Pigeon English (12 page)

Me: 'Agnes would love them! I could learn juggling for when she comes. Where do they sell juggling balls?'

Mamma: 'You can just use tennis balls.'

Me: 'Will you buy some for me? I need three.'

Mamma: 'We'll see.'

Terry Takeaway stole a jar of hot-dog sausages from the raffle table and nobody even tried to catch him. He calls the hot-dog sausages Scooby Doo Cocks.

Terry Takeaway: 'They're for Asbo. He loves 'em, don't you boy.'

When Asbo came to see me Mamma got scared. I had to save the day.

Me: 'It's alright, he doesn't bite, he's lovely, look.'

Asbo went on his back for me to scratch his belly. He loves that. He even has a belly button, it looks like a tiny bum. Then it was time for Dance Club. They were all parrots. Lydia kept forgetting to smile. She was too busy concentrating on getting the moves right.

Me and Mamma: 'Go, Lydia! Give us a smile!'

She was even brilliant. She got all the moves right. I kept wishing Miquita would fall over but it was another girl who fell. She slipped and landed on her behind. The rest of them just kept going until the end. They only roughed her when the dance was finished, then everybody said she pissed herself because of the massive wet patch on her behind. It was only a lie. They knew what really happened because they saw it. But it's funnier to say they pissed themself. Pissing yourself is funnier than just falling over. Everybody agrees.

Smaller kids: 'Pissy pants, pissy pants!'

Girl: 'F—off!'

I won a binoculars with my raffle ticket. Asweh, it was a dope-fine piece of luck. They're army colour. They actually work even if they're just plastic. I looked at the whole world through them. They made everything close. I could see the satellite dishes on the flats and the cross on the real church and the bullet hole in the broken lamppost. I looked on the roofs for if the murder weapon was up there but I didn't see it. My pigeon was sitting on the roof of the Jubilee Centre, when he saw me he winked at me then he flew away, he was too fast to follow with the binoculars. I got dizzy from looking for him so I had to call it quits.

All the Dell Farm Crew were there but they didn't even talk to me. My new mission can wait, there's no business on carnival day. That's the best thing about carnival, everybody forgets their business for one day and just has fun. I hope Killa keeps Miquita, then she won't disturb me anymore. He was trying to burn her with his lighter. She tried to get away but he pulled her back. She was even laughing like she loved it. It felt crazy. Girls are stupid.

He only stopped when the police van went past. He went proper still and his face went all hard. I saw it through the binoculars. The whole crew all put their hoods up and went like statues. Nobody was laughing anymore. Then they all split.

When the police van went past the pissheads all threw their cans at it. The police van stopped. The pissheads got scared. They thought the policeman was going to come out and arrest them. They all went quiet. Then the police van carried on going and the pissheads all cheered like they'd won the war. Asweh, it was very funny. Binoculars are very useful for making things closer.

Lydia kept her parrot costume on all day. She made a parrot song for Agnes. Agnes loved it, her laughing was like a wave in the sea, when it landed on you it made you laugh as well. Nobody could even stop, it was too funny. Agnes can say Harri now. She can say all our names. Mamma and Papa and Lydia and Grandma. She can even say her own name. We made her say all of them. She loved it. She said them all proper loud a hundred times. Asweh, it was very funny!

Mamma tried to make her say Harrison but she didn't want to. She just said Harri. Mamma didn't even get red-eyes, she was just smiling from ear to ear.

Agnes:
'Harri!'

Mamma: 'That's it! Well done, my darling!'

Me: 'Take care with my ears! You'll make them fall off!'

Agnes:
'Harri!'

Harri is her favourite. She loved saying it more than all the others, you could tell. She didn't want to stop. She was still saying Harri when the calling card ran out.

Agnes:
'Harri! Ha

I can't wait until Agnes knows all the words, then I can tell her my best stories. The first one I'm going to tell her is about the man with the fake leg. He was on my aeroplane. He had a fake leg made from wood. It even had a foot with a real shoe on it. Before he went to sleep the man took his leg off and gave it to his wife to hold. The wife fell asleep holding it like it was a baby. It was very funny. It felt lovely. I pretended like the leg was a baby and the wife was her mamma.

If your leg fell off when you were alive, in Heaven it grows back. Asweh, Agnes will love that one!

There was no church today because of the broken glass and bad words. Mr Frimpong was nearly crying. He loves church the most from all of us. Mamma squeezed him to make him feel better. You thought his bones were going to turn to dust on the spot.

Mr Frimpong: 'It's senseless, that's what it is. No respect for anything.'

I was even glad at first, I'm tired of singing the church songs. They're always the same and Kofi Allotey isn't there to make funny words for them. The church isn't even a real church. It's just in the Jubilee Centre, in the room in the back behind Youth Club. It's only a church on Sunday, the rest of the time it's just for bingo and old people's stuff. Everybody wanted the wet patch on the roof to be Jesus but really it just looks like a hand with no fingers.

They smashed the windows through the cage. They wrote DFC all over the wall in mighty letters. Derek was trying to rub them off but they wouldn't rub off.

Mamma: 'What is DFC?'

Mr Frimpong: 'Who knows? Some code of theirs. Just nonsense.'

I didn't tell them what DFC really means. I pretended not to know.

Mr Frimpong: 'Will they be on CCTV?'

Derek: 'They'll have covered their faces. They're ignorant but they're not stupid.'

That's why Mamma won't let me get a hoodie, for if I cover my face. I don't even want to cover my face, I only want to keep my ears warm. I hate it when Mamma calls me a liar.

They tried to make it look like they put shit on the window but you knew it was only Snickers. The lumps were too square and you could see the peanuts sticking out, they weren't fooling anybody.

Me: 'We could go to the real church, the one where the dead boy had his funeral. It's only round the corner.'

Mamma: 'It's the wrong kind of church.'

Me: 'How?'

Mamma: 'Just because. They sing different songs. They're not the songs we know.'

Me: 'We can learn them. They might be better.'

Mamma: 'They're not better. We don't know them.'

Me: 'But I don't get it. It's even a real church. They had the dead boy's funeral there. It must be good.'

Mamma: 'It's just the wrong kind, that's all.'

Mr Frimpong: 'Bleddy Catholics. They want to give us all Aids so they can steal our land back again. It's true.'

I still don't get it. It has a cross and everything. It must be the right one if it has a cross.

I don't know why you have to sing songs every time. Sometimes you could play djembes instead or just pray. God's probably bored of the songs by now, he's heard them a million times already. That's probably why he makes earthquakes. If it was me I'd tell them sing me a new song I haven't heard before or I'll send you another earthquake. The same songs every time is just lazy.

Me: 'Do you want me to get my binoculars? They're only at home. Then I can look for clues.'

Derek: 'That's alright, Harri. I'll just clean this up.'

It wasn't my fault they ruined the church. If I was in the gang I could tell them about God. I could even save them. A gang can be for good things, not just for tricks. Where I used to live, me and Patrick Kuffour and Kofi Allotey and Eric Asamoah were always going on fine missions. We always took the empty Coke bottles back to Samson's Kabin. One time we even helped Patrick Kuffour's papa insulate his house. We searched all the streets and found all the boxes and broke the cardboard down to the right sizes. For our reward he gave us all a big bottle of Fanta. We had a drinking race and then we all did a big burp together like bullfrogs having a ruckus. Those kinds of missions are the best, when everybody helps and you get a reward after. Somebody should tell the Dell Farm Crew about them. I could pass on the message.

Lydia: 'Just stay away from them, they're trouble.'

Me: 'What about Miquita, she's even worse. She's always trying to suck me off and you don't even stop her.'

Lydia: 'That's different. It's different for girls, you don't understand. You need the right friends or they'll just rough you. Miquita's only bluffing, you can't take her serious.'

Me: 'If God saw what you did he'd take your eyes. I'm not going to be your guide dog when you go blind. I'll just pull you around on a string, it's your own fault if you can't keep up. I've got places to be, I'm not waiting for you.'

Lydia: 'It wa's only paint!'

Me: 'No it wasn't, it was blood.'

It was definitely blood on the clothes, that's why she put bleach on them. Both the two of us knew it. We watched the lie go up big and slow between us, then it burst like a spit bubble. They always burst before too long.

Lydia: 'Don't bring yourself, Harrison. It was Miquita's blood, OK?'

Me: 'How did her blood get there? She wasn't even cut.'

Lydia: 'It's not that kind of blood. It's a girl's blood. You don't know what you're talking about! Just go away!'

She ran to Mamma's room and shut the door in my face. I could hear her crying behind the door. It felt crazy. I wanted to turn the crying off but she had to learn her lesson. Doing something bad on purpose is worse than doing it by mistake. You can mend a mistake but on purpose doesn't just break you, it breaks the whole world bit by bit like the scissors on the rock. I didn't want to be the one who broke the whole world.

Me: 'You wouldn't have to cry if you weren't such a big liar! And you look stupid in that parrot costume! You can stop wearing it now, it smells! Carnival's finished!'

Lydia: 'Just f—off!'

Asweh, it just felt too crazy. My belly went all cold. I never suspected her to say it in a million years. I didn't even know what to do. I had to go on the balcony to get my breath back. I looked for my pigeon all over. Asweh, there were too many, they were too far away to see the colours. I even tried to tempt him with a Haribo Tangfastic but my pigeon still didn't come back. I don't think he ever will.

Kyle Barnes taught me the dirty finger trick. It's very easy: you just pretend like you're looking for something, like if they asked you for a penny, you search all your pockets as if you're looking for the penny. You have to pretend like you lost it and search for a long time. The longer you search, the funnier it will be at the end.

Then when you bring your hand out of your pocket, instead of giving them the thing you were supposed to be looking for, you show them your dirty finger instead. It's very funny.

I tried it on Manik. It tricked him. It was brutal. He had no idea I was going to bring my dirty finger out. He wasn't suspecting it in a million years. Don't forget, it only works with your dirty finger (that's the one in the middle that means the same as f—off).

Me: 'Got you!'

Manik: 'Shit, man! At least my trainers ain't manky, what did you do to them?'

My belly turned over. Everybody started laughing.

Everybody: 'What did you do that for? It's well gay!'

Me: 'How! No it's not!'

It's only lines. I drew them on to make my trainers look like Adidas. I did it with the marker pen. You're allowed to take them as long as you bring them back after the holiday.

I didn't breathe the poison in. I only breathed it in one time before my head went fuzzy. I didn't get high.

I made the lines proper straight, they weren't even wobbly or anything. They still look bo-styles from far away. They wouldn't stop laughing. It made me go red-eyes. I hate them.

Me: 'Quit it!'

Everybody: 'No can do, sorry! It's just too funny! You're classic! Asweh by God!'

They won't be laughing when I'm in the Dell Farm Crew. I'll make them kiss my trainers. They can kiss my arse as well.

Mamma says the CCTV cameras is just another way for God to watch you. If God's busy in another part of the world, like if he's making an earthquake or a tide, his cameras can still see you. That way he can never miss anything.

Me: 'But I thought God could see everywhere at the same time.'

Mamma: 'He can. The cameras are just for extra help. For the places where the devil is very strong. It's just to make you safer.'

Adjei, the devil must be mighty strong around here, there's cameras all over the place! There's one at both ends of the shops and outside the newsagent's. There's even three inside the supermarket just to stop Terry Takeaway stealing the beer. I'll have to put my coat over my head because I haven't got a hood. If I go fast enough the camera can't follow me, I'll just be like a spirit. That's what I was hoping for.

We were waiting for the right time. It had to be clear so we could get away without crashing into anybody. It was me and X-Fire and Dizzy and Killa. They were going to crash the target and I was going to run away with the prize.

Dizzy: 'Don't worry blud, you just stay with us, yeah? If it looks like it's getting f—ed up I'll give you the sign. Then you just get out of there, got it?'

Me: 'Got it.'

The sign is a nod. That's all I have to watch for. All I have to do is follow them. If they run, I run, it's easy. I'll just pretend I'm playing suicide bomber, then it won't even be hutious. I'll only fail the mission if I split before the end.

X-Fire was in charge of picking the target. It had to be somebody weaker, that way you could knock them down easily. They couldn't fi ght back and it was quicker. We had to keep our backs to the camera until X-Fire found a target. We pretended we were just hanging around. I felt in my pocket for my alligator tooth. I asked for the blood to make me go fast enough.