Pierced Love (10 page)

Friday

The last few days have passed by in the horrendous blur that is my day-to-day life. I wake up for school, dread the torture that will plague me up through graduation and do my best to swallow down the panic that attacks me during the day. Then after all of that fun is said and done, I come home to do my homework, eat, sleep and then start the whole miserable ritual up again the next day. Good times had by all…not! Seriously though, it’s only been a week and a half of my senior year and I can’t wait to be done. My peers are no less vicious than they were last year. Even the new kids find a reason to watch my every move like I’m about to explode. How is it even possible for them to act or treat me that way, they don’t even know me. In fact, half of the school that treats me like a freak doesn’t even know the truth of what happened that day. Out of everything that hurts me, that is probably the part that bothers me the most. How can someone intentionally want to hurt another person when they have nothing to do with that person or worse yet, they don’t even know that person? No matter how invisible I attempt to be, they still find me. It doesn’t matter if I sit in the front of the class or the back, they still stare. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of, at least not until after graduation. Sometimes I wonder if I would have acted differently that day, would things have changed so drastically. I can wonder all I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that day can’t and won’t be erased from my past. The only hope I have of people moving on from it is me moving on from it in a new life in a new place. That new place for me has always been in Ames, Iowa at Iowa State. Now, I don’t know if that future is still even possible. Ever since last weekend, and the run in with Jill, I worry that my past will follow me around, regardless of where I live or go to school.

I let out a heavy sigh and close my diary for the night. I feel emotionally wasted after that entry.

I throw my legs off the side of my oversized comfy chair and tuck my diary back into its hiding spot in my room.

Glancing around my room, I’m grateful for the things I have. I just wish my emotional state of mind was stronger. It would help me deal with the hate and the hurtful actions of my peers.

I get into bed and slide under my covers and down comforter. Lying down, I instantly feel a wave of comfort.

Between the confusion of what happened last weekend at the party with Loudon and the pain of making it through school each day I’m exhausted as I lay my head down on my pillow tonight.

I try to keep my mind off of him, to not think about how he consumes my thoughts, but I can’t. There’s just something about Loudon that makes me feel calm. Even after what happened, I still want to see him, to be near him again.

I must be crazy, but hell, what else is new?

I drift off to sleep thinking about the tall, dark haired, bright green eyed guy I can’t seem to forget about.  

The loud beeping sound of my alarm pulls me from my deep sleep. I throw my arm to the left and smack it into silence. Ahh, at least another fifteen minutes of peace until I have to wake up and get in the shower.

I snuggle my body back under my covers and pull my pillows back in place. Just as I start to feel my body and mind fall back into a restful sleep my cell phone rings.

Ugh!

Opening my eyes, I look over to my nightstand and can’t imagine who would be calling me at 6:05 in the morning. I pick up my phone and don’t recognize the number so I hit ignore. I toss the phone onto my bed and curl myself back into place. I only have ten more minutes and I need to make them count.

My phone starts to ring again.

Oh my god, who the hell. I search on my bed for my cell and pick it up to see the same number is calling.

Guess I’m not getting those extra ten minutes now.

I touch the green accept button on the screen and put the phone to my ear.

I have no clue who this might be, but I can hear a bunch of people talking in the background.

“Hello,” I say.

“Oh hey, Zar, you answered.”

That voice, I know that voice. It’s Loudon.

My heart starts to beat a faster rhythm and I can feel my cheeks begin to flush as my body springs into a sitting position and I gasp.

My hand flies to my mouth to stifle the awkward sound, shit.

“Well, I figured if I was persistent you’d eventually answer one of the next hundred times I called. Guess I was right.”

I can hear him laugh through the other muffled sounds coming from his end of the line.

“Yeah I guess so. Well Loudon, you have me awake now, this better be important,” I reply with a yawn.

“It is, I promise. Are you planning on coming up here today with your parents?” He asks.

Why would he be asking me that?

We certainly did not leave things too well the last time I saw him and that was only a week ago.

“I hadn’t planned on it why?” I ask.

I twirl the strings on my sweatshirt and wait for his reply.

“Well I wanted to see you again and talk about what happened. I’m really sorry for the things that Jill said. She thinks she knows everything, and likes to make people’s lives a living hell…including mine.”

“Yeah about that,” I start to say.

“Zar, just forget about what she said, she doesn’t even know you, so whatever she was talking about is just her trying to be a bitch. It’s how she is with everyone.”

“Ummm, okay,” I say.

Does he really believe that or is he just trying to cover up for her?

Then the words Allie said come back to me.

“Zar, you have no idea how big of a heart Loudon has, he would never do anything to hurt you or anyone else. You need to learn to open up to people and not push them away. Give him a chance to explain, okay?”

“So what do you say?” He pauses for a moment and I can hear someone calling for him in the background.

“Sorry about that,” he says, “will you come back up here so that we can hang out again or better yet, how about I come down to you this time. Are you free tonight? I don’t have practice so I can leave right after my run with the guys.”

What is with this guy and why does he want to spend time with me so badly? Is it because he feels bad for me? It’s surely not for the lack of friends on his part. I have no clue what he’s up to, but a big part of me does want to see him again. I liked the way I felt when he was around me.

“Yeah, that’s fine, I guess.”

“Cool, Zar. I’ll see you later today. Text me your address and I’ll pick you up around 4:30.”

“Sure, sounds good,” I reply.

The line goes dead and I sit in silence on my bed.

I’ve experienced a lot of emotions in my life, but this one…right now is all new to me. I’m anxious to see Loudon, yet I’m unsure as to what he has planned. I want to listen to what Allie said the other day. I don’t necessarily have to change who I am, I just need to let others in to see me for who I really am and not who I’m perceived to be by my classmates.

Looking at my alarm clock I see that it’s already 6:20 and I have to get a move on before I make Zoe late for her dance class.

I throw off my comforter and covers while hopping out of my bed. I need to make my way into the bathroom for a shower and to get ready for today.

After all, I have a lot to think about; how I want to approach tonight with Loudon. I need to give him a chance, but at the same time I have to be on guard after what happened the other night. I don’t want to feel like that ever again when I’m with him.

I manage to shower and get down stairs right as Zoe finishes her breakfast.

“Hey, you almost ready to go, we don’t want you to be late,” I say, passing her by to grab a banana.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Sorry you got stuck taking me today,” she says, grabbing up her bag and ballet shoes.

“It’s fine. Mom and dad asked for a favor so here I am. Let’s go.”

Extracurricular activities are yet another thing that set me apart from my siblings.

Zeke was an all American athlete since birth and kept the family busy running back and forth between his practices and games all year long. Zoe is more of the artist in the family with her dance classes, music recitals and creative writing. Me, on the other hand, well I don’t participate in much else than school and family jeopardy night. I’m the academic genius of the family. Who needs sports and art when you have a perfect 4.0 and are top of your class…not me?

I follow Zoe out of the kitchen toward the garage.

In silence, the two of us make our way over to my car and proceed en route to the dance studio.

Once we arrive, I pull into the parking lot and Zoe jumps out so she’s not late. Rather than go in with her, I decide to grab my messenger tote and head into the local coffee shop. I figure I might as well get some homework done while Zoe is in class.

I order myself a regular black coffee and a blueberry muffin. Looking around the little shop I see a table in the front by the window. I set down my breakfast and sit down in the seat directly in the sunlight. I pull out my textbooks and notebook and settle into do my work.

An hour or so goes by and I’m quite proud of myself for finishing the majority of my work.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Zoe walking across the street and towards the coffee shop. I watch as she enters and walk straight up to the counter to order her favorite, hot chocolate with extra whip cream.

I smile inside knowing that this is her weekly treat for all the hard work she’s put into her dance routine.

A few others come into the shop and instantly Zoe finds herself deep in a conversation with the other girls from class.

As socially awkward as I am, Zeke and Zoe make up for it.

I remember a time when I was happy and carefree, when no one looked at me as if I was a freak.

I miss those days.

I miss having friends.

I miss being me.

I think I’ve looked at the clock in the living room at least a hundred times in the past fifteen minutes. Not to mention, that if I don’t stop pacing around the living room, I’m going to wear a path in the carpet around the coffee table.

I let out a heavy sigh and run my hands down my sides.

Loudon should be here any minute and I’m nervous as hell. I haven’t been with him since the night of the party and that’s a moment in time I’d rather not remember.

Mom, dad and Zoe are in Ames spending the day working on the arrangements for the engagement party and I’m here alone.

It took me most of the afternoon to figure out what to wear. I know I’m totally overreacting, but this is all new to me.

I really don’t know why I’m making such a big deal about this, it’s not like it’s a date or anything…right? Actually, if you count the party and today that would make this our second date, well, not really, ‘cause they’re not really dates.

Oh geez, I’m a nervous wreck.