Pieces of Us (23 page)

As I drove through the center of town and out toward the highway, I tried to work out what he might need to tell me so urgently. By the time I’d pulled off the highway and parked the car, I had several ideas. The first and most worrying was that he or a member of his family was very ill, next was that something had happened to Sarah’s baby, or maybe Bonnie and Alex broke up… But all of those seemed unlikely, and none of them required a trip to our special place. So I guessed he wanted to talk about us.

I walked through the trees until I came to the familiar clearing and the fallen log. As I climbed up and settled against a branch, I heard rustling and twigs cracking along the path. I looked up as Cameron appeared.

“You’re early,” he said.

“So are you.”

He climbed up on the log next to me, and I did a quick scan. He was thin but not unhealthy, and apart from the slight bruise around his eye from where Owen had hit him, he looked fine. He didn’t appear to be sick, so I relaxed a little.

“Thanks for coming.”

“What’s going on?” I asked nervously, picking at the dried bark on the log.

“I’m leaving,” he said, watching my face.

“I — I don’t understand.”

“I put the house up for sale, and I contacted a friend of mine in California. He’s asked me to join his clinic. I’m moving to San Diego.”

His words swam in my head as I tried to find something to say.

“Why?” I asked the question, but in my heart I knew the answer.

“I got a hard jolt of reality the other day when I saw you and Owen together. When I saw…” He took a deep breath. “When I saw you and Owen kissing, it really hit me for the first time that you were with someone else. You looked so happy and comfortable, and it made me realize that I’d lost my chance with you. Then when Owen hit me, I saw just how much my presence in your life was affecting your relationship with him… And the truth is I just want you to be happy. So when I got home, I sat up all night thinking, and the next day I called the real estate agent, listed the house, and called my friend.”

I nodded slowly, making sure I understood everything before I responded. “When will you go?” I bit my lip, but it was useless. I knew I was going to cry.

“I leave tomorrow. That’s why I needed to talk to you today. I’ve been putting this conversation off all week, and I’ve run out of time. I wanted to tell you in person instead of just disappearing.”

I cringed at his words. I hadn’t given him that same courtesy when I left town, and I was grateful he was saying goodbye in person. I gripped his hand.

I hadn’t seen Cameron in five years and had only been reacquainted with him for a few weeks, much of which I’d spent trying to avoid him. But having him back in my life felt like I’d regained a part of myself. I still cared about Cameron, and I hated the thought of him leaving.

“You don’t have to go,” I said, wiping away a tear. “I spoke to Owen, and he’s okay with us being friends.”

Cameron sighed and looked up at me with a half-smile.

“
I’m
not okay with it. I’m still in love with you, Charlotte. I’m always going to be in love with you, and while I honestly do want you to be happy, I can’t watch it happen with someone else.”

I knew he was doing the mature thing — what was best for both of us — and making the decision I’d been struggling to get myself to face. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. And it didn’t stop my heart from speaking words my mind knew were a mistake.

“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered.

Cameron lifted my chin so I looked into his sparkling eyes. “Ask me to stay, and I will,” he said, gently wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Tell me you want to be with me, and I’m yours.”

I wrapped my arms around my shaking body to hold myself together. Part of me wanted to jump into Cameron’s arms and beg him to stay, but the part of me that loved Owen held me back. I couldn’t hurt him…I wouldn’t.

Reluctantly, I shook my head, knowing that in saying no, I was saying goodbye to Cameron forever. I looked at the ground so I wouldn’t see the pain on his face.

When I finally looked up, I found him staring at me with a small smile and watery eyes.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

I nodded.

“I really am happy for you, Charlotte. You deserve love. I’m going to miss you so much.”

I threw my arms around him and pulled him close, trying to hold on to him for as long as I could. We sat for several minutes with our arms wrapped around each other, just being together.

“I love you, Cameron,” I whispered softly against his neck. It wasn’t a declaration or an invitation to stay. It was a fact and my way of saying goodbye.

“I love you, Charlotte.” He kissed my forehead as he pulled away.

His hand cupped my face, and he ran his thumb over my cheek to wipe the tears. His eyes were wet too. Although it was five years late, we were finally giving our relationship a proper goodbye.

“I have some last-minute packing to do,” Cameron said. “And you should get home to Owen.”

I clung to him for another moment, but I knew he was right. This would be best for us. I would marry Owen, and he would begin a new life in San Diego and probably fall in love with a wonderful woman. The thought of him loving someone else brought more tears, though I knew they were hypocritical.

“Come on,” Cameron encouraged, climbing down and grasping my hand to help me down as well.

He held my hand tightly as we walked back to our cars. I allowed him to pull me along, but with every step I knew I was closer to saying goodbye — for good.

All too soon, we stood next to my car and Cameron brushed a strand of hair away from my face before placing a gentle hand on my cheek.

“You’re so beautiful.” He leaned down and very gently brushed his lips against mine — just a feather-light touch that ended as quickly as it began. Cameron’s eyes were closed, and he smiled as he pulled away from me.

“Have a wonderful life, Charlotte Grace Barnes,” he whispered.

I wanted to tell him something profound, something encouraging, but I couldn’t get anything out.

“Be happy.” He squeezed my hand and took a step back.

My whole body screamed, but I held my ground. I owed Owen my loyalty, and I was not going to betray him, no matter how much I wanted to in this moment.

Cameron walked backward, keeping his eyes locked on mine until he reached his car. He fumbled in his pockets and pulled his keys free, unlocking the door before turning back to me for one last look.

I mustered all the strength I had to pull my mouth into a weak smile. It must have looked pitiful with my red, puffy eyes, but I wanted his last memory of me to be with a smile. He gave me a sad smile of his own, then got into his car and was gone.

As his taillights disappeared into the night, I allowed my grief to overwhelm me. I don’t know how long I sat on the ground, but I cried until I had no tears left. Then I wiped my eyes and tried to put my thoughts in order. I’d been trying so hard to figure out how I could fit both men into my life, and in the end, the decision was made for me.

How was I supposed to go home to Owen now and pretend everything was fine? Would I be able to smile and kiss him and live with the smug look I knew I’d see on his face when I told him Cameron was gone?

I tried to convince myself I’d be fine without Cameron. I’d lived for years without him — but that was when I’d believed he cheated on me. Now that I knew the more complicated truth, it was hard to think about not having him in my life. Only Cam’s announcement that he was leaving had really allowed me to see how much I wanted him around.

I longed for the comfort of a warm bed and strong arms to hold me close. But I wasn’t sure whose arms I wanted. Finally, I realized I should go home. I stood up slowly and the muscles in my legs protested from being curled underneath me for so long.

I drove back to my house and sat out in the driveway for a few minutes before I went in to face Owen. The house was dark, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t sitting in the bedroom reading with a lamp or watching TV with the lights off, waiting for me. I closed the car door as quietly as I could.

I stepped on something as I reached the front door and looked down to find an envelope at my feet. It had my name written on the front, so I pulled it open and peeked inside. There with a folded piece of paper was something making a jingling sound. I read the three words written in Cameron’s handwriting:

Goodbye, my love.

I tipped the envelope and watched as two gold rings fell out into my palm.

I stared at the loops of metal, and my mind reeled. He was really letting me go. He wasn’t holding on anymore.

My bottom lip began to tremble, but I closed my eyes and held in the tears. I put the rings and the note back in the envelope and shoved it in my handbag.

I walked quietly into the dark, silent house and went upstairs. I undressed quickly before slipping into bed next to a sleeping Owen. He didn’t wake up but must have sensed me next to him. He rolled over and flung his arm over me, pulling me close to his chest.

Not half an hour before I had longed for the warmth of my bed and strong arms to hold me, but now I felt no comfort in them.

Chapter Thirteen

Starting New

“Ugh, I can’t eat another bite.” Dad sighed, leaning back in his chair and patting his belly. “That was delicious, Char.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I said, clearing the Thanksgiving plates from the table.

“Has she been any better?” Dad whispered. He was trying to be subtle, but I could hear him clearly from the kitchen.

Owen sighed. “No, she’s been distant ever since he left.”

“Don’t worry. She’ll come around. She was like this after her mother left, and she came out of it eventually. Just give her some time,” Dad whispered back as they moved into the living room.

I slammed the plates down on the counter. I hated that they were talking about me like I was some miserable child who disappointed them. I couldn’t help how I felt. I hadn’t wanted to come back to Fairfield in the first place. Cameron was thrust back into my life — without my permission — and then just as I started to make a place for him, he up and walked out. This left me a bit thrown, and I thought it was quite reasonable to feel confused.

I resented the fact that my father was comparing my behavior to how I was after Mom left. I’d been in shock then, and it was that behavior that caused me to lose Cameron in the first place. I wasn’t withdrawn now. I was still spending time with Bonnie and Sarah, and I was looking into going to community college and finding a career. My sex life with Owen was healthy, and I didn’t think I was neglecting him at all. What was I doing that made them think I was distant?

“Everything all right in there, Char?” Dad called.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I called back, turning on the faucet.

Once the dishwasher was started, I took the cherry pie I’d prepared out of the oven and set it on the counter.

“Do I smell pie?” Dad yelled.

I walked into the living room and stood with my hands on my hips.

“Yes, but you just said you couldn’t eat another thing,” I pointed out.

“Charlotte, there’s
always
room for pie!” he said in mock horror.

“Just so you know, I’ll always have room for pie as well,” Owen said. His words were jovial, but the light tone didn’t show on his face.

Rolling my eyes, I went back to the kitchen and served up the pie with ice cream. We ate in virtual silence, with Dad and Owen giving each other knowing looks. The more they stayed silent, the angrier I became, and so I stayed quiet too. When I finished, I dropped off my plate in the kitchen walked down the hall to the bedroom.

I knew I was being moody, but I didn’t appreciate being spoken about behind my back, and I didn’t want to be fake and pretend I didn’t know it was happening. I thought about confronting them, but decided to calm down and talk to Owen in the morning.

I changed into pajamas and climbed into bed, reaching over to the nightstand for my book. After about an hour of being lost in my fantasy world where aliens had taken over the earth, I heard the bedroom door open.

Owen had an empty look on his face. He wouldn’t make eye contact, so I looked back down at the page and kept reading. I didn’t feel like talking right now anyway.

He changed into a pair of old sweats and climbed into bed, pulling a pillow over his face and rolling away from me.

“Good night,” I said softly, but he didn’t reply.

***

I slept restlessly and woke before the sunrise. Owen was sprawled out across the bed and snoring loudly, so I snuck out of the room and quickly showered before going for a walk.

The empty streets were dusted with snow, and it was still mostly dark, almost as if I was walking through a ghost town. I walked the few blocks to the twenty-four-hour diner and bought myself a coffee. I sat down to read the newspaper, enjoying that I had the whole place to myself.

I took a deep breath and inhaled the delicious scents coming from the kitchen. They were cooking bacon. After the waitress refilled my coffee cup, a few people started filing in, and I noticed it getting light outside.

I waved the waitress over and ordered a stack of pancakes with strawberries. I wasn’t sure why, but I had this feeling in my stomach like I shouldn’t go home. I ate my pancakes and thought about Cameron. I hadn’t heard from him since he left three weeks ago — not even a message to let me know he’d landed safely in San Diego. The only reason I knew he’d made it was because I asked Bonnie.

I thought again about the rings he left on the doorstep and felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. Refusing to cry in public, I searched through my bag for a tissue and quickly wiped my eyes before leaving some money on the table and heading home. I walked slowly, watching the clouds turn from pink to white as the sun made its way higher into the sky.

As I approached my house, I felt an uneasy tension spread through my body. I didn’t know where it was coming from or why it was there, but I couldn’t shake it. When I let myself in I found a suitcase by the door, and I could hear banging coming from the bedroom.

I ran down the hall and found Owen pulling things from his side of the closet. I gasped, and he turned and looked at me sadly.

“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked, afraid of his answer.

Owen sighed and sat on the bed, surrounded by his belongings. “I’m going back to Boston,” he said, looking at the floor.

I shook my head and my arms automatically wrapped around my body. “No, you can’t.” I reached for his hand but he shook me off. “Owen,
no!”

“Charlotte,” he whispered, tears welling in his eyes. “Can I ask you a question?”

I nodded, but kept my arms wrapped tightly around myself.

“Is our relationship a way for you to bide time?” he asked, looking me directly in the eye. “I have a right to know.”

My mouth dropped open. “What?”

“Well, obviously you still have feelings for Cameron. Are you just with me until he proves himself good enough for you again?”

“I chose you! When Cameron left, he told me he’d stay if I asked him to. I told him to go. I picked you!”

“I just don’t think you’re done with him.” Owen shook his head. “He’s all around you, all the time. Before we moved back, I could tell there was something in your past you needed to reconcile. But since we’ve been here, I’ve felt the distance growing between us as you reconnected with your old life — with Cameron. And now that he’s gone…it’s like you’re gone too.”

“I’m done with him. He
left!”

“And if he was here?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but I hesitated a second too long. He nodded sadly and shoved his clothes into his suitcase.

“I picked you, and I would again — even if he was here now,” I said firmly, taking a few steps toward him.

“Okay, then tell me you’re not in love with him,” Owen said, turning around to face me again.

“Owen, what I had with Cameron is over and — ”

“Tell me you don’t love him,” he repeated, cutting me off.

I shook my head slowly and sat down on the bed. I couldn’t say I didn’t love Cameron because I did, and I always would. I started to cry and covered my face with my hands.

I felt the bed sink and Owen’s arm slide around me as he pulled my head to rest on his shoulder.

“Hush. Don’t cry. It’s understandable that you still love him. You can’t help that there are feelings there.”

I nodded and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you into a relationship you weren’t ready for,” he whispered. “I could tell you hadn’t moved past your previous relationship, but I was just so in love with you. I wanted to make you mine.”

“I
am
yours.”

“No, you’re not. A part of you wants to be, but you still belong to him. I can feel it. He’s in your heart.”

I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but that was exactly how I felt.

“I’m the safe option for you, Charlotte. I’m the guy you can depend on, who’ll never hurt you.”

I nodded.

“But I don’t want to be that,” he explained. “I want you to feel passion for me. I need you to be consumed with me…like I am with you.”

As much as I wanted to deny it all and profess my undying love for him, I couldn’t. I did love him, but not the way he needed and deserved.

“I can’t handle being your second choice. I can’t be your rebound. I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love you.”

I nodded and continued to cry, knowing this was the end. My relationship with Owen was over.

He was silent, rubbing my back soothingly while I cried. I didn’t want him to leave, but he was right, he
did
deserve someone who would love him passionately — without the ex-husband baggage.

“I…I need you to know…I
want
to want you like that,” I choked out.

“I know you do, sweetheart.”

“You have no idea how badly I want that,” I cried.

I cupped my hands to either side of his face, looking into his big blue eyes. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders just as my eyes closed and our lips touched.

The kiss started gently, our lips moving in tandem as his arms tightened around me. His tongue moved into my mouth, intensifying our kiss, and I sucked on it before gently biting his bottom lip. He moaned softly, and his hands moved into my hair, keeping me tight against his body.

We put everything we had into that kiss, knowing it would be our last. When I finally pulled my lips away, I whispered, “I love you.”

He smiled sweetly at me. “Love you more,” he replied.

Now I knew he was right.

I looked down at the diamond ring on my finger and sighed sadly. I held my hand out to him with my fingers outstretched. He hesitated only a moment before gently grasping my palm in one hand and sliding the engagement ring off my finger with the other.

We were over.

***

“What do you want to do for Christmas?” Dad asked with just a few weeks to go before the holiday.

“Nothing,” I said, pushing food around on my plate.

“We have to do something. It’s Christmas!”

“I’m not a huge fan of Christmas.”

“Please, Char?”

I sighed. “I just don’t have anything to celebrate.”

“What are you talking about?” Dad asked. “You are loved and wanted and a good person.”

“You’ve always been there for me, Daddy,” I said softly, taking his hand and squeezing. “Thank you. It’s just…”

“I know you’re feeling bad about Owen, but you told me yourself it was for the best.”

“It
is
for the best. But my marriage was a failure, Cameron didn’t want me, and then Owen left…it’s just a lot to take.”

“Cameron wanted you,” Dad said, taking a long sip of his beer.

“He cheated on me,” I said, exasperated. “Maybe not technically, but he chose Lucy over me.”

Dad cleared his throat.

“What?”

“After you moved back in with me he came to the house a few times, but I wouldn’t let him in. He begged me, saying he needed to talk to you, to explain, but I told him if you didn’t answer his calls, you didn’t want to talk to him. And then after you left…”

“What? What happened after I left?” I sat down next to him at the table, coaxing him to continue.

“Well, about two months after you left, he came by the house again.”

I ate up his words eagerly. Having both of the men in my life walk out at nearly the same time had been a major blow to my self-esteem. Dad’s story was like music to my ears.

“He asked me to tell him where’d you’d moved, and when I refused…well, I’ve never seen a more broken man, Char. He was destroyed. I kinda felt bad for the kid,” Dad said with a chuckle.

“Will you tell me about it?”

“I didn’t really want to speak with him too much. My main concern was for you… But all I know is I’ve never seen a man look more devastated. I heard around town that he was searching for you, but I never spoke to him to get the details.”

So Cameron
had
tried to find me. I expected to find that comforting, but all it did was reinforce the fact that he’d now let me go. He’d been willing to fight for me then, but now he’d moved on.

“When I took the divorce papers around to his house for him to sign — it wasn’t good. The house was dark, and he was unshaven and skinnier than I’d ever seen him — not to mention the huge bags under his eyes. Didn’t look like the kid had slept in weeks. I’ll never forget it,” Dad said, shaking his head.

I wondered how I looked right now. I turned toward the mirror inside the china hutch. My hair hung limply around my shoulders, and my skin was sallow and pale. I had bags under my eyes and frown lines around my lips.

I looked away from my reflection and saw my dad’s face — the concern and pain behind his eyes. Suddenly I felt terrible for causing him worry. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to cry myself to sleep every night and be unsure who I felt worse about losing. It was such a strange sensation to feel abandoned yet not know who I was craving.

That thought frightened me. I had to pull myself out of this. I’d gotten through worse before. I’d lived through losing my mother and my husband, and I was strong enough to get through losing Owen.

I thought about who I was and the person I hoped to become. I’d lived with a broken heart for more than five years, and I’d started to identify with that pain. I just assumed it would always be part of me. But I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted to start my life fresh — starting with reclaiming Christmas.

“Okay, Dad, we’ll do dinner, but nothing big. Just you and me and a turkey. How does that sound?”

“Perfect,” Dad said, smiling.

I spent the next few weeks planning the menu and shopping for the perfect gift for Dad. I also spent some time on the Internet, hoping to shore up some ideas I had about starting fresh.

***

“You’re a great cook, Char,” Dad said, finishing off his Christmas turkey. “I’m so glad we did this.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said just as there was a knock on the door.

“Did you invite someone?” I asked suspiciously.