Picnic on Nearside (18 page)

*   *   *

It was no good; she couldn’t sleep.

“Are you there?”

Yes.

“What do you think we ought to do?”

Despair. We’ve lost Equinox.

“You never knew her.”

Part of her will always be with you. Enough to hurt you. We will always hurt.

“I want to live again.”

Live with hurt?

“If there’s no other way. Come on. Let’s start. Try to make a light. Come on, you can do it. I can’t tell you how; you have to do that yourself. I love you. Blend with me, wash me clean, wipe out the memory.”

Impossible. We cannot alter ourselves. I want Equinox.

“Damn you, you never knew her.”

Know her as good as you. Better. In a way, I
am
Equinox. But in another way, I can never be.

“Don’t talk in riddles. Merge with me.”

Cannot. You do not love me yet.

“You want to sleep on it another few thousand years?”

Yes. You are much nicer when you are asleep.

“Is that an insult?”

No. You have loved me in your sleep. You have talked to me, you have taught me, given me love and guidance, grown me up to an adult. But you still think I’m Equinox. I’m not. I am me.

“Who is that?”

No name. I will have a name when you start really talking to me.

“Go to sleep. You confuse me.”

Love. Affection. Rockabye, rockabye, rockabye.

*   *   *

“You have a name yet?”

“Yes. My name is Solstice.”

Parameter cried, loud and long, and washed herself clean in her own tears.

*   *   *

It took them four years to work their way around to Ringmarket. They traded a song, one that had taken three years to produce, a sweet-sad dirge that somehow rang with hope, orchestrated for three lutes and synthesizer; traded it and a promise of four more over the next century to a tinpan alleycat for an elephant gun. Then they went out on a trail that was four years cold to stalk the memory of those long-ago pachyderm days.

In the way that an earlier generation of humans had known the shape of a hill, the placement of trees and flowers on it, the smell and feel of it; and another generation could remember at a glance what a street corner looked like; or still another the details of a stretch of corridor beneath the surface of the moon; in that same way, Parameter knew rocks. She would know the rock she had pushed off from on that final day just before Equinox was taken from her, the rock she now knew to have been an Engineer way-station. She knew where it had been going on that day, and how fast, and for how long. She knew where it would be now, and that was where she and Solstice were headed. The neighborhood would be different, but she could find that rock.

They found it, in only three years of search. She knew it instantly, knew every crevice and pit on the side she had landed on. The door was on the other side. They picked a likely rock a few kilometers away and settled down for a long wait.

Seventy-six times Saturn turned below them while they used the telescopic sight of the gun to survey the traffic at the station.
By the end of that time, they knew the routine of the place better than the residents did. When the time came for action they had worked over each detail until it was almost a reflex.

A figure came out of the rock and started off in the proper direction. Parameter squinted down the barrel of the gun and drew a bead. The range was extreme, but she had no doubt of a hit. The reason for her confidence was the long red imaginary line that she saw growing from the end of the barrel. It represented the distance the bullet would travel in one-thousandth of a second. The figure she was shooting at also had a line extending in front of it, not nearly so long. All she had to do was bring the ends of the two lines together and squeeze the trigger.

It went as planned. The gun was firing stunbullets, tiny harmonic generators that would knock out the pair for six hours. The outer hide of a Symb was proof against the kinetic energy contained in most projectiles, natural or artificial. She didn’t dare use a beam stunner because the Engineers in the station would detect it.

They set out in pursuit of the unconscious pair. There was no hurry; the longer it took to rendezvous, the farther they would be from danger.

It took five hours to reach them. Once in contact, Solstice took over. She had assured Parameter that it would be possible to fuse with an unconscious Symb, and she was right. Soon Parameter was floating in the dark cavity with the Engineer, a female. She put the barrel of the gun under the other’s chin and waited.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Solstice,” she said.

“It won’t be something you’ll ever be proud of, but you know the reasons as well as I. Just keep thinking of Equinox.”

“I wonder if that’s a good idea? I’d rather do something for her that I
would
be proud of.”

“Want to back out? We can still get away. But if she wakes up and sees us, it could get awkward if we let her live.”

“I know. I have to do it. I just don’t like it.”

The Engineer was stirring. Parameter tightened her grip on the rifle.

She opened her eyes, looked around, and seemed to be listening. Solstice was keeping the other Symb from calling for help.

“I won’t give you any trouble,” the woman said. “But is it asking too much to allow me a few minutes for my death ritual?”

“You can have that and more if you’re a fast talker. I don’t want to kill you, but I confess I think I’ll have to. I want to tell you some things, and to do it, I’ll need your cooperation. If you don’t cooperate, I can take what I need from you anyway. What I’m hoping is that there’ll be some way you can show me that will make your death unnecessary. Will you open your mind to me?”

A light came into the woman’s eyes, then was veiled. Parameter was instantly suspicious.

“Don’t be nervous,” the Engineer said, “I’ll do as you ask. It was just something of a surprise.” She relaxed, and Parameter eased herself into the arms of Solstice, who took over as go-between.

They had a lot staked on the outcome of this mutual revelation.

*   *   *

It came in a rush, the impalpable weight of the religious fervor and dedication. And above it all, the Great Cause, the project that would go on long after everyone now alive was dead. The audacity of it! The vision of Humanity the mover, the controller, the artist; the Engineer. The universe would acknowledge the sway of Humanity when it gazed at the wonder that was being wrought in the Rings of Saturn.

Ringpainter the Great was a utopian on a grand scale. He had been bitterly disappointed in the manner in which humanity had invaded the solar system. He thought in terms of terraforming and of shifting planets in their courses. What he saw was burrows in rock.

So he preached, and spoke of Dyson spheres and space arks, of turning stars on and off at will, of remodeling galaxies. To him and his followers, the universe was an immensely complex toy that they could do beautiful things with. They wanted to unscrew a black hole and see what made it tick. They wanted to unshift the red shift. They believed in continuous creation, because the big bang implied an end to all their efforts.

Parameter and Solstice reeled under the force of it; the conviction that this admittedly symbolic act could get humanity moving in the direction Ringpainter wanted. He had an idea that there
were beings out there keeping score, and they could be impressed by the Grand Gesture. When they saw what a pretty thing Ring Beta had become, they would step in and give the forces of Ringpainter a hand.

The woman they had captured, whose name they learned was Rosy-Red-Ring 3351, was convinced of the truth of these ideas. She had devoted her life to the furtherance of the Design. But they saw her faith waver as she beheld what they had to show her. She cringed away from the shrunken, hardened, protectively encased memory of the days after the theft of Equinox. They held it up and made her look at it, peeling away the layers of forgetfulness they had protected themselves with and thrusting it at her.

At last they let her go. She crouched, quivering, in the air.

“You’ve seen what we’ve been.”

“Yes.” She was sobbing.

“And you know what we have to do to find Equinox. You saw that in my mind. What I want to know is, can this cup pass from us? Do you know another way? Tell me quick.”

“I didn’t
know
,” she cried. “It’s what we do to all the Consers we capture. We can’t kill them. It’s against the Law. So we separate them, keep the Symb, leave the human to be found. We know most of them are never found, but it’s the best we can do. But I didn’t know it was so bad. I never thought of it. I almost think—”

“No need to think. You’re right. It
would
be more merciful to kill the human. I don’t know about the Symb. I’ll have to talk to Equinox about that. At first I wanted to kill all the Engineers in the Rings, with a lot of care put into the project so they didn’t die too quick. I can’t do that any more. I’m not a Conser. I never was. I’m not anything but a seeker, looking for my friend. I don’t care if you paint the Ring; go ahead. But I have to find Equinox, and I have to find my children. You have to answer my question now. Can you think of a way I can let you live and still do what I have to do?”

“No. There’s no other way.”

Parameter sighed. “All right. Get on with your ritual.”

“I’m not sure if I want to any more.”

“You’d probably better. Your faith has been shaken, but you might be right about the scorekeepers. If you are, I’d hate to be
the cause of you going out the wrong way.” She was already putting her distance between herself and this woman she would kill. She was becoming an object, something she was going to do something unpleasant to; not a person with a right to live.

Rosy-Red-Ring 3351 gradually calmed as she went through the motions of her auto-extreme unction. By the time she had finished she was as composed as she had been at the start of her ordeal.

“I’ve experienced the fullness of it,” she said quietly. “The Engineers do not claim to know everything. We were wrong about our policy of separating symbiotic pairs. My only regret is that I can’t tell anyone about our mistake.” She looked doubtfully at Parameter, but knew it was useless. “I forgive you. I love you, my killer. Do the deed.” She presented her white neck and closed her eyes.

“Umm,” Parameter said. She had not heard her victim’s last words; she had cut herself off and could see only the neck. She let Solstice guide her hands. They found the pressure points as if by instinct, pressed hard, and it was just like Solstice had said it would be. The woman was unconscious in seconds. Now she must be kept alive for a few minutes while Solstice did what she had to do.

“Got it,” came Solstice’s shaken thought.

“Was it hard?” Parameter had kept away from it.

“Let’s don’t talk about it. I’ll show it to you in about a decade and we can cry for a year. But I have it.”

So the other Symb was already dead, and Solstice had been with it as it died. Parameter’s job would not be nearly so hard.

She put her thumbs on the woman’s neck again, bent her ear to the chest. She pressed, harder this time. Soon the heartbeat fluttered, raced briefly. There was a convulsion, then she was dead.

“Let’s get out of here.”

*   *   *

What they had acquired was the Symb-Engineer frequency organ. It was the one way the inhabitants of the Rings had of telling friend from foe. The radio organs of the Symbs were tuned from birth to send on a specific frequency, and the Engineers used one band exclusively. The Consers employed another, because
they had a stake in identifying friends and foes, too. But Parameter no longer identified with either side, and now had the physical resources to back up her lack of conviction. She could send on either band now, according to the needs of the moment, and so could move freely from one society to the other. If caught, she would be seen as a spy by either side, but she didn’t think of herself as one.

It had been necessary to kill the Engineer pair because the organ could not be removed without causing the death of the Symb. The organ could be cloned, and that was the escape Parameter had offered the other two. But it had been refused. So now Solstice had two voices; her own, and the one from the other organ which she had already implanted in herself.

In addition to the double voice, they had picked up information about the life of the Engineers without which it would be impossible to function without immediate exposure. They knew the customs and beliefs of the Engineers and could fit in with them as long as they didn’t go into sexual rapport. That could get sticky, but they had a dodge. The most reliable way to avoid intercourse was to be pregnant, and that was what they set out to do.

*   *   *

It didn’t seem too important, but his name was Appoggiatura. They had encountered him during the third week after the murder. It was a risk—a small one, but a risk all the same. He had been easy about it. He learned all about Parameter’s deeds and plans during their intercourse and remained unperturbed. Fanatic dedication was rare among Consers; the only real fanatic Parameter had met was Bushwhacker, who had offered to shoot her at the hint of treason. Parameter and Solstice were aware that what they were doing was treason to the Conser cause. Appoggiatura didn’t seem to care, or if he did, he thought it was justified after what they had been through.

“But have you thought about what you’ll do if you find Equinox? I don’t know what you think, but it sounds like a thorny problem to me.”

“It’s thorny, all right,” Solstice agreed. “To me, especially. Don’t talk to me about problems until you’ve gone through the insecurity I’ve felt when I think about that day.”

“It’s
my
insecurity, too,” Parameter said. “We don’t know.
But we do know we have to find her. And the children, though that isn’t so strong. I only saw them for a few minutes, and they’ll be seven years old now. I can’t expect much there.”

“I wouldn’t expect much from Equinox, either,” he said. “I know something about what happens to a Symb when it’s separated from a human. Something dies; I don’t know what. But it has to start over again from the beginning. She’ll be a part of one of your children now, whichever one of them she took over when she was separated from you. You won’t know her, and she won’t know you.”