Phoenix (32 page)

I knock on her front door and wait. From inside comes the sound of shuffling feet, and the door swings open.

"Lark! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in meetings or dealing with State affairs?"

I shake my head. My heart sits heavy in my chest. "I'm hiding."

She motions me in. "From what?"

"Everything."

Miss Tully's room is quiet and cozy, just as it always is.

"I don't know what to do," I say, grabbing onto the back of a chair. "I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to be bound to Beck and live a quiet life somewhere farming. Or work at one of the Ag Centers. I was never supposed to be Head of State. And I certainly never wanted to grow up to be a murderer."

Miss Tully pats the spot next to her on the couch, and I sit.
 

"You've taken on a lot of responsibility in a short amount of time," she says. "Perhaps that's what you need - more time to adjust."

I crush a pillow to my chest. "No. I want out. I want to resign."

"Callum's treachery is impacting you more than you are letting on." Her watery eyes probe mine, and it's like my heart is being exposed. Unlike the rest of the City, I instructed Miss Tully not to watch the morning announcements - for this very reason. I needed her mind right so she could advise me. "It's okay to question yourself. I won't make justifications for you, but do you feel it was the right decision?"

"It was the only decision." An all-over numb sensation settles into my bones. "If he hadn't been so bent on hurting so many humans and witches, he could have lived normally. But his plan to expose all of us...well, I can't let that happen. He needs to be locked away."

Miss Tully watches me closely. "Do you feel we - humans and witches - are safer now?"

"I think we're on a good path." I lift my hand and tick off our accomplishments. "With the help of the East and the Light witches, the food shortages have eased; we have a peace agreement with the East; and my kind are safe from persecution - at least I think we are."

"Then in your heart, you must believe you did the right thing."

I bite my lip to hold back a sob. "I do. I just wish it hadn't had to happen."

Miss Tully sets her cup of tea down, leans over and hugs me tightly. "It's okay to cry, Lark. It's okay to not always be strong."
 

"What am I going to do?" I say between sniffles. "Jack told me I should restrict my time with Beck, but how? He'll never agree to it."

"Do you think he's right?"

I shrug. "I don't know anymore. Beck seems better, and he's trying - really trying - to gain control over himself. He doesn't seem as erratic."

Miss Tully releases me. "I think you've made your decision, but you just don't want to say it aloud."

I inhale deeply and let the words rush out of me. "That we should limit our time together until we're sure?"

My friend nods. "You could always come live with me. I'm getting too old to farm myself, and you'd be doing me a favor." She pours us each a cup of tea. "Beck could live at Summer Hill. The two are close enough you could visit daily, in small doses until you see how it's affecting him."

My breath bottles up in my chest for a moment before releasing all at once. "Could I? That may just work."

Miss Tully pats my hand. "I'd love to have you, but it will be work. I haven't any maids or things you're used to."

"That's okay," I say. The hope building in me tickles my stomach like a hundred butterflies. "I'll have to share this idea with Beck first and get his opinion."

Miss Tully shakes her head. "No, Lark. You need to make decisions on your own from now on."

"But this impacts Beck. He may not want to move back to Summer Hill. He--"

"Is his own person, and the two of you need to start recognizing it. You are bound, not merged into one person. Two people, not one."

And that's what it comes down to: being strong on my own. Not with Mother's influence, or Beck's input, but making my own decisions without consulting a Council or advisors. From now on, like with the battle with Callum, I need to make my own decisions.

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

I tiptoe down the long hallway, worried about waking the baby. My nerves jitter around my body like a live wire. How am I going to do this?

I pause outside the door.

"Annalise?" I whisper.

She's sitting in a rocking chair, holding her baby to her breast. "Yes?"

"Can we talk?"

"Of course. Come in."

I take a deep breath and rub my sweaty palms over my dress. A lump forms in my throat, but I have to ask.

"Would you be interested in being Head of State? Or at least letting me nominate you?"

She eyes me with confusion. "What are you talking about? You're Head of State. It's what you were trained for."

"I'm retiring." I give a thin laugh. "It's not the life I want."

"And what do you want, Lark?"

"To live somewhere quietly. To farm. To have the life I expected and hoped for before all this began."

"But what about Beck?" Her words stab at me. "Didn't you do all of this to be with him?"

"I did it to keep our people safe."

"And to be with him." She's right, so I nod.

Annalise stands with the sleeping Olivia in her arms and places her in a bassinet across the room. When she comes back to me, she says, "I'm a guard, Lark, not a politician."

"And yet, you know the ins and outs of the State better than anyone. Plus, people listen to you. Unlike me. You wouldn't have to scare everyone to gain their respect - you already have it."

She glances at the bassinet. "What about Olivia? Running the State requires endless hours of work, as you know. How will it impact my daughter?"

"You could send her to school to live with a nice housemother. She'll be close by and easily accessible. It doesn't have to be like Mother and me."

Annalise nods her head. "I wanted to keep her with me, but even if I stay a guard, I'll need help."

"You will."

She sighs. "Where will you be? At the Ag Centers?"

I shake my head. "No. Miss Tully offered to let me live on her farm. It's close to Summer Hill, and I thought Beck and I could get a little distance but still be close enough to see each other regularly - just until we're sure I'm not hurting him."

"You're not."

"How can you say that? We've all seen how he lashes out over my emotions."

"Emotions you now have in check."

I lift my eyes to meet hers. "Do you think that as long as I'm in control of myself, Beck will be too?"

"I do."

A smile stretches across my lips. "That's the best thing I've heard today."
 

Annalise smiles back. "I'll give you the second best thing: I'll consider your offer."

I jump up from my seat and hug my sister-in-law. To think I once feared her. If I had only known the truth about her life earlier, things could have gone differently. But there's no time for regrets, I need to get the Council to approve the changes to power.
 

First, however, I need to speak with Beck.
 

#

We're walking through the Presidio, not talking, just soaking up each other's presence. Beck's warm hand is enough to make me forget about the damp mist hanging in the air. In the distance, in the middle of the Bay, is Alacatraz - Callum's new home. Close enough to hear the sounds of the City, but far enough away to feel isolated. I can think of no worse fate for my power-hungry brother.

"Hey," Beck says lovingly. "Let's walk this way." He guides me away from the view of Alcatraz and toward the eucalyptus grove. "What's going on with you? You're so quiet today."

I sigh. I know I'm going to have to tell him at some point soon, but I was hoping for more time. At least enough time to figure out how to explain my plan to him.

There is no good way, so I blurt: "Miss Tully offered to let me live with her…at her farm. I want you to come with me."

"Birdie," Beck says, dropping my hand and stopping. "My job is here. My work, my friends, my life. I like living
here
."

"But this life isn't for me."

"You want us to live apart?" Beck says "Is that what you're saying."

"I want us to live the lives we want."

Beck crinkles his brow in concentration. "Is that what you want? For us to spend forever apart?"

"Why would we need to be apart? You could live with me at the farm and transport to work everyday. It would be easy."

"What about the State?" Beck asks. "Who's going to run it? Sun-Wei? Who?"

"I've asked Annalise. She knew Mother's secrets better than anyone and is more than competent. At least more competent than me," I respond.
 

Beck runs a hand through his wind-blown hair. He doesn't look at me, but rather keeps his eyes trained on the ground like it's mesmerizing. "You want me to agree to this?"

"I want you to consider it."

"Can't you stay here in San Francisco while I work?
You
could transport back and forth. You'd have Kyra still and wouldn't be so isolated."

I shake my head. "I'm done with this life. You know it's not what I ever wanted."

My mate eyes me carefully. "I don't know, Lark. I don't know."

#

I thought it was a perfect plan: Beck and I live at the farm, and he transports into work each day. What I've discovered is that unlike me, Beck considers things other than me to have importance. Things like his job and friends.

With sagging shoulders, I slump into my desk chair and begin shifting through the numerous reports that fill my tablet. Until Annalise and the Council agree on a change of leadership, I'm stuck doing all this.

A knock on my office door.

"Come in."

Ryker and Kyra file in, one after the other and stop before my desk.

"Lark, you can't be serious!" Kyra's curls float around her face. Will she ever learn how to keep them tidy? "You're thinking of stepping down and leaving us?" Her voice trills up at the end as if holding back a sob.

"This isn't for me."

Ryker clears his throat. "You'd still need guards, you know that, right?"

I shake my head. "No. I just want a simple life. No guards, no State events."

"Just you, the dirt, and magic..." Ryker says.

"Yes," I counter.

Kyra sits on the corner of my desk. "Well this is
deso
. What will I do for a best friend?"

"Transport and visit me?"

She crosses her arms. "What about Beck? He doesn't want to go, you know."

"I know."

Ryker places both hands on my desk. "What if the Council doesn't approve it?"

I've been so focused on the Beck issue that the thought of the Council not approving a change of power never crossed my mind. "Will they do that?" I ask. "Can they?"

"Yes," Kyra says. "They can. Don't forget who you are, Lark. We need you here."

I close me eyes and exhale loudly. When I open them, I look first at Kyra then Ryker. "Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy?"

"Because you're being selfish. Only thinking about what you want. You are a Stateswoman. A powerful one. We can't let that go." Kyra swings her legs back and hits the desk with them for emphasis. "You have an obligation."

My two friends watch me as the realization I may never be allowed to go sinks in. I try not to screw up my face, but my lip quivers.
 

Ryker flashes a glance at his wristlet. "You have a Council meeting in five minutes."

I brush away my invisible tears and collect myself. I need to be in top form if I want the Council to listen to me.

Or maybe I need to bring out angry Lark. They haven't seen her in awhile.

With newfound determination, I grab my tablet off my desk and stomp to the door. "Come on," I say over my shoulder. "You're going to want to see this."

Ryker and Kyra exchange curious looks but hustle along behind me. We make our way from my office, down the long hallway and to the stairs. Below us, Statepeople hurry back-and-forth beneath the rotunda. When we get to Beck's office, I stop and knock. He swings the door open and joins us. "Hiya, Birdie," he says, pecking my forehead.

"Hiya," I answer, still a little upset with him from earlier.
 

He cocks his head, reading my emotions no doubt, and frowns. Good. Let him know I'm unhappy. He tries to put his arm around my shoulder, but I shrug it away.

"Okay then," he says before walking away toward the Council chambers.

Kyra saddles up to me. "Lark, you're being ridiculous," she whispers.

I throw my hands up. "I can't help how I feel."

We reach the chamber doors, and I pause. This doesn't feel right - going in groveling for my freedom. I set my jaw, prepared for a fight, and enter the room.

Everyone stands, waiting for me to take my seat. Instead of sitting, however, I say, "Sit," and walk to the far side of the room - near Sun-Wei's seat. Looking down the table, I notice several new faces - Light witches most likely. "Minister," I say. "I'd like to speak before we begin with the official business."

Sun-Wei looks up at me and nods. "Very well."

I take a deep breath, trying to quell the nibble of anger rising in my core. How dare these people keep me from the life I want. How dare they. Beck watches me with sad eyes, and Kyra leans against the wall with her arms crossed. Neither like my plan.

Maybe I am wrong? Maybe this is the life I was supposed to have. After all, I did fight for it.

No. I know what I want, and this isn't it.
 

"Dear Statespeople," I start. "I'd like to propose my stepping down as Head of State, and I'd like to nominate Annalise Greene as my replacement."

Dead silence.

Then chaos. Everyone begins speaking at once, some in objection, some in agreement. More in objection.

My heart drops, and magic burns along my palms, but I keep it in. No setting fires for me today. Just calm and collected Lark.

Then I see him: Beck. Biting on his lip, struggling with my emotions, but keeping himself in check, nonetheless. He closes his olive eyes and inhales deeply. On the exhale, I catch a tremble of magic about him, but it doesn't seem to do anything.