Perfecting Patience (14 page)

I was put in a tiny meeting
room, sitting in one of the most uncomfortable chairs I’d ever sat in, to wait. When the door opened, I stood, but my knees felt weak when she entered. Her hair was limp and dull, her eyes were watery and lifeless, and her face was branded with what looked like a permanent frown.

The generic
grey pants and white T-shirt she wore washed her out even more. She looked almost nothing like the beautiful girl I’d fallen in love with. Her eyes reached mine, but their usual light never came. She just stared back at me in silence.

The nurse who brought her in smiled awkwardly at me before she quietly shut the door behind her. I
t was just Patience and me standing in the stillness of a practically empty room.

“Are you okay?” It was the only thing I
could think to ask.

“I think so.”

Her voice sounded tiny and as fragile as she looked. I wanted to hold her to me and take it all away. I wanted to take her away from everything and plant her in the California sun and pray she’d grow back into the girl she used to be.

“Good.”
I swallowed hard. “You should’ve come to me. I could’ve helped.”

She didn’t respond. Instead, she shrugged a little and I saw the regret on her face.

“I didn’t even know you were going to a therapist. I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me these things. Of all the people in the world who could understand drugs and life issues, I would’ve understood. I didn’t even know you had a prescription for Xanax.”

It was a generic conversation, but I was too afraid to push
, and she was obviously not in the mood to talk.

“I didn’t have a prescription
,” she whispered.

She pushed back a strand
of dull blond hair and closed her eyes in embarrassment.

“Then where did you get them?”

None of this made any sense to me. I felt as if I’d lived with a stranger all the time I was in Florida. Patience knew me better than anyone, yet I obviously knew nothing about her. It hurt.

“I bought them from Phillip.” She opened her eyes and a tiny tear rolled down her cheek.

And then everything made sense. She wasn’t fucking that dude. They weren’t meeting behind closed doors for secret touches and kisses. He was her dealer. How could I have been so blind? How could I, of all people, not realize what was going on right under my nose?

“You mean you didn’t…
?” I couldn’t even say the words. The thought of anyone else touching her made me sick.

“No
.” I barely heard the word.

“You should’
ve told me. I still would’ve kicked his ass for selling to you, but you should’ve told me.”

There was so much more I wanted to say, but I was full of mixed emotions. I was relieved to find out she wasn’t cheating on me, but I was hurt that she was still dishonest with me about the drugs. I thought we were closer than that.

She looked up at me and desperation filled her eyes. She looked weak and out of sorts, and it took everything in me not to kidnap her and take her away from the boring white walls and intrusive hospital smells.

“I wanted to be perfect for you
,” she said as another tear fell. “You deserve someone perfect. I didn’t want you to know I was just another screwed-up girl. I was scared to lose you.”

I was out of my chair and on my knees in front of her. Wiping away the tear that was working its way down her face,
I captured her cheeks in my hands and forced her to look at me. I wanted to see her eyes. I needed to see that the girl I loved was still in there somewhere.

“But y
ou
are
perfect, snowflake. It doesn’t matter what you go through or what you’re doing, you’ll always be perfect to me because I’m in love with you and when you love someone, nothing else matters.”

She pushed her cheek into my palm and clinched her eyes shut. Using my thumb, I caressed her bottom lip. The urge to kiss it all away was so strong, but I wasn’t sure where she stood. I wanted her back. I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of her, but with everything that happened, I couldn’t tell what she wanted.

Finally, her eyes met mine and a tiny smile lifted the corners of her mouth.

“When I get out of here, do you promise to play for me?”
Her smile got bigger and I knew she was trying to lighten the mood and be playful.

I couldn’t help myself.
I laughed and moved in to kiss her. She kissed me back and threw her arms around my neck. Pulling her out of her chair, I held her close to me. It felt amazing to have her in my arms again, and I made a promise to myself in that moment that I’d never let her go again.

When I looked down at her, her eyes were alive with light
. Her color looked as if it had returned, and her smile was bright. There was no denying it—no matter what happened in the future, no matter how many times we were built up and fell apart, we were meant to be together.

“I’ll play for you every day for the rest of our lives.”

Seventeen

Patience

Waking up in the hospital with Sydney crying over me changed me.

Maybe it was almost dying that did the trick, but I was done trying to hide my issues from people. It was obvious I needed help, and it was obvious I couldn’t fix myself.

When Zeke walked away from me, I hit a whole new low. I fell right back into my depression. My panic attacks intensified and I no longer cared about school or soccer. I quit seeing things clearly. Not that I was very clear-minded before, but it got worse when I didn’t have to hide what I was doing anymore.

I openly bought things from Phillip. I didn’t care who saw me take the pills. All I cared about was numbing the anxiety, the fear, and the pain of losing Zeke. I was starting to understand the people I’d met in Zeke’s life back in South Carolina. I could remember meeting his friends and seeing them drugged out of their minds. I remembered thinking I could never be that way. Well, I was that way now, and it all made sense to me.

I quit visiting Sydney and Aunt Sarah for dinners
, and they started to call and worry. I was falling into the black and I didn’t care if I never made it out. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was as if I went away when he did, and no matter how many times I tried to find myself, I couldn’t.

I learned a few things du
ring my drug-induced chaos. Like the fact that I missed a lot. There were things going on around me that I had no idea about, which included school work. Apparently, I had a full conversation with Hope that I never remembered having.

The most important thing I learned was that pain pills didn’t make the hurt of losing someone you loved any better. Sure
, Lortab could take away the pain of a broken finger or a broken nose, but it couldn’t take away the pain of a broken heart.

It also didn’t
take away panic attacks, which is what I was trying to do when I accidently overdosed. Xanax wasn’t doing the trick anymore, and no matter how many I took, I couldn’t make the shaking and sudden fear of death go away. I was desperate, and when I opened up my medicine cabinet and found the leftover pain pills for my nose, I thought I’d give them a shot.

Thirty minutes later, I was sleepy. Forty-five minutes later, I couldn’t see straight and I was so dizzy I couldn’t make it to
my phone to call someone. I couldn’t remember falling asleep, but I could remember there being so much darkness, and then there was nothing.

That’s another thing I learned. Mixing
Lortab and Xanax isn’t a great idea. It took everything away, that was for sure, but I almost lost my life in the process. I’d been so careless with myself, but when I woke up and saw the tears streaming down Syd’s face, I knew I had to start caring and I had to start quick.

I signed the papers that Aunt Sarah handed me and allowed her to have me admitted into a psychiatric
hospital. I let go of everything and focused on getting better. Not pretend better, not half better—I wanted to be better all the way. No more almost.

Zeke stayed
at a nearby hotel and visited me every day for the first week I was there. It wasn’t until I found out that he and the boys were in the middle of recording their second record that I pushed for him to return to California.

“I’m not leaving you, babe. You’re more important than all that.”

We were snuggled up on the couch in the main room surround by other crazies like me. He was color in the boring, beige room, happiness in a depressing place. It was nice to see him every day during visiting hours, but I had to be fair. I couldn’t take up his entire life, and the guys needed him back home.

“Zeke, I’ll be fine. I’m not going anywhere. I appreciate you being here for me, but the guys need you, too. Go back to California, get the record done, and then come back. Once I’m out of here and all better, we’ll figure out how to balance everything better. I promise.
”

It took another week for me to persuade him to go back to work. I loved him for being so supportive, but I understood how much he loved his music
, and I was tired of taking things away from him.

I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, but he made sure to call me every day and check on me once he was all settled back in California. In his absence, Aunt Sarah and Sydney would come and visit as much as possible.

“It’s good to have you back. I missed you,” Sydney said as she hugged me when our visit was over.

I smiled down at her and hugged her tighter. “It’s good to be back.”

I was even starting to sleep better. I still occasionally had a nightmare about my dad, but they were nothing like they used to be. I’d even started having dreams about my mother and the happy times we used to have. I loved having those. It was as if she were there with me.

After six weeks, and so much therapy I wasn’t sure if I could ever return to my
psychology classes, I was released. I was set to see Dr. Jenson once a week and put on two prescriptions for my anxiety and depression.

Sydney was at school
the morning I was released, so Aunt Sarah picked me up. After putting all my bags in her trunk, she hugged me tightly and we both cried a little.

“We moved everything out of your apartment and your room is all set up back at my house. Once we get you settled and when you feel like you’re ready, we can get all your online classes together.”

I decided that going back to school wasn’t an option for me, and I’d asked Aunt Sarah to look into online courses. I was definitely going to get my bachelor’s in psychology. I wanted to be able to one day help young girls like me. I understood what it meant to be broken by abuse. I knew what it did to you mentally. I wanted to be able to be there the way Dr. Jenson and the rest of the professionals were for me.

As soon as I walked in the front door, I went for my phone to text Zeke.

Me: I’m home. I miss you so much.

Zeke: I miss you more. As soon as things are wrapped up here, I’m coming to you.

Me: I can’t wait. I love you so much.

Zeke: I love you more.

Me: Most

Zeke: Mostest

Me: That’s not a real word
, so that doesn’t count. I win.

Zeke: I have you
, so I win.

*

The following weekend, Aunt Sarah, Sydney, and I drove to South Carolina to visit Mom’s grave. We put purple roses around her marble gravestone and made silly jokes that we knew would’ve made her laugh if she were with us. I knew deep down that Mom was laughing with us.

The large oak trees made a canopy over Mom’s grave and the Spanish moss that flowed from the branches swayed in the light breeze. There were stones with names on them as far as the eye could see and statues depicting serenity and peace. The surround
ings made me feel relaxed and I could almost find peace in my mother’s death.

When it was time for lunch,
I stayed behind after Aunt Sarah and Syd and had a talk with my mom. I told her about everything I’d been through since she went to heaven. I didn’t leave out a single detail. I could almost hear her telling me that everything would be okay.

She had a way of making things better. Even when she was on her
deathbed and could barely take a deep breath, she’d hold my hand and say exactly what I needed to hear. It didn’t matter that she was dying and in pain; she always made time for me. She was always there and I missed that.

Later that night, in a hotel in Savannah, Georgia, I sat on the phone by the pool and talked to Zeke.

“I got you something while we were broke up,” Zeke said into the phone.

“What is it?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.” He teased. “So, I’m coming to Florida next weekend.”

It was the best news I’d heard in weeks.

“Really? Did you guys finish recording?”

“We finished this morning. I can’t wait to see your face.” I could hear his smile through the phone.

“I can’t wait to see yours.”

“I love you, pretty girl.”

“I love you more.”

The next day when we got home from our visit to South Carolina, there was a package waiting for me. I opened it to find a gorgeous necklace with a snowflake charm. Aunt Sarah put it on me, and I took pictures of myself wearing it to send to Zeke. I called him as soon as I hit send.

“You look so beautiful,” he answered.

“I’m glad you think so.”

“I don’t think so. I know so. Do you like it?”

“I love it. It’s perfect.” I smiled.

“You’re perfect.”

The rest of the week dragged by since I knew I’d be seeing Zeke the following weekend. When Friday came, I could barely contain my excitement. I held my phone close to me all day
, waiting for the call to get him from the airport, but the call never came.

Finally, late in the afternoon, he called me. He was already settled in a one of the more expensive hotels in the area.

“Why didn’t you call me to pick you up at the airport?” I asked.

“There was car
waiting for me when I got there. Why aren’t you here already?” He chuckled.

I packed an overnight bag, kissed Syd and Aunt Sarah on the cheek, then headed over to the hotel.

The lady at the front desk took in my ripped jeans and Converse and gave me a look that said I wasn’t worthy. I didn’t care. I smiled back at her as she told me the room number and then I walked away.

He was on the sixth floor. The elevator seemed to be conspiring against me since it stopped at every floor on the way up. When the bell dinged on floor six, I took a deep breath and stepped off. Following the room numbers, I finally found the door I wanted. Knocking lightly, I wait
ed until he answered.

As soon as he opened the door, he pulled me into the room and into his arms. He kicked the door shut behind us and smiled down at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been weeks since we’d been together. Weeks since he’d touched me. I leaned up on my toes and kissed him.

He kissed me softly at first, but soon I was throwing my bags down beside me and pushing him up against the door. He pushed his hands into my hair and licked at my lips before he deepened the kiss.

“We better slow down. It’s been a while and I don’t want to rush this
,” he said against my lips.

“Rush this
,” I said.

That’s all it took. He lifted me up against the wall and kissed me harder. His hands
dug into my hips as he started to press his hardness against me over and over again.

“I wanted to take my time with you. I wanted this to be perfect
,” he said as he moved down the side of my neck and sucked softly.

The buttons of my shirt popped off one by one as he pulled my shirt open and worked his mouth down onto the cleavage above my bra. I clawed at his back and begged for more. I couldn’t get enough of him. It had been too long and I needed him. I hadn’t planned on it being this way
, and from what he was saying between kisses, he hadn’t planned it this way either, but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

I pulled his shirt over his head and he took his mouth from
my body just long enough to let me. Then his warm skin was next to mine. He pulled me away from the wall and unhooked my bra. He tossed my ripped shirt and my bra across the room, then sucked a nipple into his mouth.

I cried out and dug my hands into his hair. He continued to press himself against me
, and the friction of my jeans against my thin panties was driving me crazy. Reaching between us, I went to work on his belt. I pulled it through the loops of his jeans until I was able to throw it down beside my discarded shirt and bra.

His jeans fell around his hips and I r
an my fingers through the light hair right below his belly button. He groaned against my skin. I struggled with the zipper on his jeans until finally I could get my hand beneath his boxers.

He was hard and hot in my hand as I worked my fingers up and down him. He took his mouth from my body and pressed his forehead against my chest.

“I love it when you touch me.” He was breathing hard and his shoulders lifted up and down.

I continued to use my hand on him until finally h
e released me. I pulled my hand from his pants and put my arms around his neck to pull him down to kiss me. He lifted me again and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me into another room.

Laying me on the bed, he went to work on my jeans. He popped off my shoes before pulling my jeans off completely. He stood above me and stared down at me for
a minute, and I almost covered myself.

Then he was there, kissing the inside of my thighs and sliding his finger between my newly shaved skin
and my thin pink panties. My hips lifted from the bed on their own as my body begged for more.

And then I heard the
pop of my panties as he ripped them off.

“You now owe me two pairs.” I smiled down at him.

Licking the inside of my leg, he looked up at me. His dark hair almost covered his eyes completely.