Penitence (2010)

L L, t jENN1FER LAURENS Penitence by Jennifer Laurens Grove Creek Publishing This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are a product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, business establishments or locales is purely coincidental. A Grove Creek Publishing Book PENITENCE Grove Creek Publishing / March 2010 All Rights Reserved. Copyright 2010 by Jennifer Laurens This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part without permission. For further information: Grove Creek Publishing, LLC 1404 West State Road, Suite 202 Pleasant Grove, Ut 84062 Cover: Sapphire Designs http://designs.sapphiredreams.org/ Book Design: Julia Lloyd, Nature Walk Design ISBN: 1-933963-83-2 $13.95 Printed in the United States of America For Cortnie, Tiffinie, Jennifer Heidi and Mikelynn My sisters - I thank you Penitence - book two - One I was awake. But I was dead. Was the vast gouging ache in my heart or in my soul? It didnt matter. I writhed in agony trying to escape, willing to do anythingeven hurl myself from a rocky cliff or into a turbulent black sea to rid myself of the dread spreading throughout my being. Seconds ago Id been cradled in the arms of the man I loved. Complete comfort had surrounded me. Joy. Peace. Safety. All of those gifts eluded me now. Now, a fierce fire raced through my veins. Bruised muscles screamed. My heart pounded out each difficult breath. Flashing images of the accident blared into my consciousness, more vibrant and real than any memory Id ever recalled when Id been alive. I gasped. My heart sped. I reached for Matthias. Concern flashed over his face. Zoe? I... I gulped for breath. Night. Pouring rain. The yellow and black truck. Scraping steel. Blinding headlights. I see the accident. Look at me. His hands reached out in urgency but he was disappearingbeing sucked away. Zoe. Look at me. Im trying! Through the blast of crashing images, I strove to keep my gaze locked on his. I could barely see his face through the collage of the accident whirling in my mind. My body felt weighed down, as if Id taken in a breath of leaden air. Like a tornado the sensations stormed, tearing apart the image of Matthias face, ripping him further and further from my view until he shrunk, devoured in the vortex. I strained, reaching. Screamed for him. Kicked and clawed as though Id been dropped into the dark abyss of an open grave. Please! I dont want to go. I want to stay with you! Slipping into the agony-drenched weight of flesh was like laboring into a two-ton wet suit. Scratchy noise filled my head. Why was mortality so... loud? Just as Id been unable to stop my death, I couldnt stop myself from sliding back into my body. Back to life. Wretched, fragile life. Life without him. Matthias. Uttering his name didnt call upon serenity. Peace didnt bestow its tranquility over my suffering. Was I being punished? Where was he? Why was his assistance inaccessible to me now? Even through the exhaustive fight, the misery of pain, I knew as powerful as Matthias was, there was One more powerful than he. One whose will I couldnt fight. At that moment, I knew I was meant to return to my family. There were things I had to do. With that understanding, the scratching in my head started to subside. From the core of my being, a warm calm reverberated and spread slowly into my battered limbs. At the same time, tears sprung behind my burning eyes. Matthias. Oh, God, do I have to leave him? Will I see him again? Please, please dont take him away. Weepingthe very act of itthe violent sobs wracking my body, hurled me back into consciousness. I opened my eyes. Through a veil of tears I saw white. A dotted ceiling. Dull, man-made light. Not like the even beauty of the sun from the vibrant paradise Id just left. Paradise. How long had I been there with him? I didnt know. Hours? Seconds? Time wasnt measured there like it was here. But then I hadnt had enough time to even ask Matthias that question. Another wave of sorrow rose in my heart, crashing with bitter violence through my limbs. I closed my eyes, tears gushing out. Please let me dissolve. Cease to exist. I cant go on with this hurt eating my heart. My weeping continued. A very human baptism back into life. I was here. Alive. Mortal. I wanted Matthias with me. He was my guardiansent to protect me. Werent we meant to be together? Hed lived his life, almost a hundred years before me. He was living another life now, without me. Reality sunk me into deep despair. A layer so thick, impenetrable and overwhelming I couldnt face the thought of my life without him for one more second of consciousness. I blacked out. Soft, urgent pressure on my arm. A hand. Mom. I knew her touch as if shed said my name in a crowd of thousands and I opened my eyes. She stood over me. Mom. Its so good to see you. Joy burst in my heart. Mom. My mom. I tried to smile. I guess I did, because she smiled back, and gently squeezed my arm. Above her head, white ceiling with black dots. I was still in the hospital. The aches in my body confirmed I hadnt gone anywhere. Shes awake. Dads voice. He came next to Mom, peered over her shoulder with a smile. Tears. Joy spilled from his countenance like a waterfall of love spreading over me. I was so pleased they were happy. Happy that I was back. Home. Alive. I closed my eyes. Matthias. Dont talk if youre too weak, Moms voice reached through my longing for him. I opened my eyes, looked at her. Focus on Mom. Then you wont think about him. But that didnt work. My heart yearned for what it couldnt have. Hey. My voice. The sound wasnt clear and crisp as it had been in Paradise. The tone carried the rough edge of mortality. Mom and Dad didnt seem to notice the difference. Both smiled bigger at the sound. Tears streamed from Moms blue eyes. Oh, honey. She leaned over. Her faded perfume, mixed with the very mortal smell of flesh and bone, trickled into my waking senses. She pressed herself lightly against me in a hug, as if she was embracing a fragile glass sculpture of me instead of my body. I love you so much. You too, I said. She stood upright, turned and wept in Dads embrace. Their love was so pure. They loved each other first, above anyone or anything else. I always knew that, was never jealous of that because commitment was supposed to be that way. Thats how love survived. Love. The ache in my heart I was striving to ignore grew stronger, pounding through the impossible spheres of two different lifetimes that would never join. A love separated by a power stronger than either of us could influence. I closed my eyes against a fresh onslaught of falling tears. Where does it hurt, Zoe? Its more than hurt. I wanted to dissolve. Die. Please take me away from here. Cant I go back? Please. Behind my closed eyes I searched for the whirling vortex of my life to play out again. I sought the light. The continuous beep of the monitor pierced my semi-conscious state. Death, a step Id once feared like most human beings, wasnt coming for me. I wasnt going anywhere. The beep of the monitorannoying as it waswoke me again. I opened my eyes. Same white room, dull light and black dotted ceiling. I was breathing. My heart was pumping blood through my system, and the pain had gone from a furious roar to a low, recurring moan in and out of my body. Youre awake. Moms voice. I turned my head, found her coming to my side, reaching out to me. Shed changed from the black shirt shed had on last time I saw her, into a white shirt. Her smile radiated. She wrapped her hand around mine. Oh, honey. Its a miracle. They werent sure youd come back. Oh, honey. She gently squeezed my left hand with both of hers. Where is everybody? My voice sounded more like my own. I must be getting better. A sharp pang of sorrow shot to my heart. I should be glad. Healing meant I could get out of this depressing place. See everybody. Go home. Dad had to stop at the office. Abrias at school and so is Luke. How long have I been here? Two weeks. Two weeks?! I was stunned. The passing time had felt like minutes at best. They werent sure you were going to make it, Zoe. Again, she squeezed my hand. Desperate. Afraid, like she couldnt believe I was there. Im so glad youre awake. Im awake, I murmured. Id tried to go back to Paradise and had failed. I swept the room for Matthias. Bunches of colorful flowers filled every free surface. The bright colors didnt cheer me. Dear God, where is he? I closed my eyes. Im going to be fine, Mom. Yes... But she didnt sound convinced. Im here, arent I? I snapped, eyes flashing. Id journeyed from death back to life. I may never see Matthias again. Moms worried expression flashed to surprise. Sorry, I muttered and turned my head away. I kept my eyes closed. Being awake was like falling back to sleep, back into a bad dream, one that kept repeating itself. One I couldnt escape. You need to get your strength. Moms voice was soft. She gave me one last squeeze and then the pressure on my hand was gone. I lay there in a restless state of helplessness. Before I took another breath, I wanted some answers. Where was Matthias? Why wouldnt he come to me now? Was it because I wasnt in any danger? Please let that be the reason hes not here. A sense of dread latched onto my bones with a deep grip. I couldnt dismiss the feeling. Why was I allowed to be with him in Paradise, allowed to hold him, kiss him, led to believe that we were at last going to be together, only to be cruelly torn apart? Surely, God wasnt that callous. Had I done something wrong? Had Matthias broken a heavenly rule? My mind, still weak and fairly listless, tired swimming with such thoughts. You really should rest. Mom again. Havent I been? For the last two weeks. Frustration still lingered, even in my weakened tone. I understand you must feel discouraged. Mom looked like she was trying to figure out why her eighteen year old daughter whod almost been killed in a car accident, sounded like she wasnt happy to be alive. She had no idea that a few months ago Id fallen in love with an angel. Not just any angel, my little sister Abrias guardian angel. Mom would never believe that hed become my guardian angel, too. Never, in her wildest dreams, would she believe that Id died and spent the most treasured moments of my life with Matthiasin death. Are you in pain? Not as bad, no. Thats good. You were talking a lot, Mom said. While you were unconscious. I jerked my head in her direction and my eyes flashed. What did I say? Well, a lot of it wasnt understandable, but you kept repeating, Matthias. I squeaked out a gasp. Who is Matthias? she asked. The young man from the zoo? I couldnt believe Mom remembered seeing Matthias at the zoo. Wed taken Abria there one Saturday for a nice family day at Dads insistence and Abria had done what she commonly does when were out in publicrun away. Thankfully, Matthias had been there, found her, and carried her back to us in his heaven-sent arms. Mom must have been impressed by Matthias powerful, calming countenance because she remembered his name. Why would I remember a zoo worker? I asked. Thats what confused me. But youve never mentioned any friends named Matthias, so... Im sure it was just my subconscious doing dumb things, Mom. Now wasnt the time to admit the truth: that the guy shed been impressed with at the zoo, the one with the halo of toffee hair and eyes the color of two oclock sky hadnt been a zoo worker at all. He was her daughters guardian. The man I loved. The man Id never have because I was alive and he was dead. Two weeks, I mumbled, wanting to change the subject. I blew out a breath. Two weeks. It didnt seem like that long. Moms hand on my arm again, warm love. It did for us. Her eyes glistened. Seeing the raw pain on her face, my heart ached. I covered her hand with mine. Her eyes widened. Zoe! You moved your arm! Yeah. I lifted my bandaged limb. What happened, anyway? If shed been that thrilled to see me move my arm, I wondered what condition the accident had left the rest of me in. Moms expression grew grim and surge of panic welled up inside of me. Had I been disfigured? I wiggled my toes. I felt all the way down, that was a relief. Each finger was in place; wearily I held them in front of my face. But my arms were wrapped like a mummy, with IV tubes vanishing somewhere beneath the gauze. I tried to sit up, and sharp pain shot across my chest. Mom snapped her hand out to my shoulder to stop me. You have some broken ribs. Your right lung was punctured, and you had a concussion. They spent four hours extracting shards from your body. It was a miracle none of the glass or metal went deep. One nearly... she paused, swallowed, reached out and petted my head. One nearly sheared off your right breast. What? Heart pounding, I lifted my hand to feel but felt only thick wrapping beneath the thin hospital gown. They were able to save it, Zoe. The plastic surgeon did a wonderful Mom, I want to see it. Let me see. My pulse thrummed. Plastic surgeon? Sweat sprung from every pore. I tried to throw back the sheets covering me, but the effort was exhausting. Zoe, youre alive, thats what matters. I want to see! What did it look like? Did I look like a freak? I closed my eyes, weighing visions of purple gashes across my white flesh, distorted appendages hanging lopsidedly from my body, and other grotesque sights. Mom raised the bed with the push of a button until I was sitting upright. My racing heart still hadnt slowed. In fact, as the moment drew closer, a wave of nausea rose in my throat. Im going to be sick, I whispered. Lets do this another time. No, no! I want to see it now. Mom, please. Moms face was white, and my panic plunged. Gingerly, she helped me sit forward. Aches pounded like a base drum through every muscle in my body. As much as I wanted to see what my breast looked like, the movement of sitting up drained me. Id never felt so weak. I fell back against the raised mattress, breathing like Id just run a marathon. The door whooshed open and a dark-skinned, black haired man dressed in a white physicians coat waltzed in. His teeth gleamed off the brilliance of his jacket. Zoe! Tucked under his arm was a clipboard, which he tossed casually on the table next to the bed. I am Dr. Semolitis. You are awake. How are you feeling? Like I was hit by a semi truck, I grumbled, on the last of a pant. He chuckled. Lucky to be alive, you are. He leaned over, whipped out a mini flashlight, flicked it on and the tiny beam shot first in my right eye, then in my left. Looking much better, I must say. You were in bad shape when you came in. Your mother is glad today, is she not? He shot Mom a glittering grin. She smiled. Much happier today, yes, thank you. You are a miracle girl, you know that? He lifted my wrist, paused and felt my pulse. My heart finally slowed down some. Was this the doctor whod sewn me up? Handled my breast? I shuddered at the thought. You