Authors: Loni Flowers
“Get your drunken butt in the car. I'm not letting you drive like this,” I heard my mother yelling as she pushed my dad towards the car.
“I'll just walk,” he shot back.
“That's what I
should
let you do, but I'm far from the monster you've become, so get your ass in the car,” she demanded. He conceded and she slammed the car door shut behind him. Walking back to me, she asked, “Lilly, do you know this man?”
“Yes.” I answered.
“Do you feel comfortable... I mean, safe with him?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Very well then. I'll leave him here with you and take your father to the house.”
“But—”
“Whatever questions you have of me or your father can wait. From what I've heard,” she looked at Drew, “you've got your own life to sort out.” Before walking to the car, she stopped next to Drew and patted him on the shoulder. “Good luck, dear, you still have my number if you need to call me, right?
“Yes, ma'am I do. Thank you again, Mrs. Morgan. I really appreciate your help tonight.” Drew said.
“I'm more than happy to help. Lilly, I'll leave the guesthouse unlocked. No sense in driving back home tonight or wasting money on a hotel. That goes for you as well, Drew. I hope to see you two in the morning.”
My mom hopped in the car and drove away. The soft, warm glow of the lamp washed over Drew as he stood silently watching me.
“Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. I'm nuts. I have a messed-up family. My mother is apparently seeing someone else. My father hates that I'm still breathing, and it's my fault Jesse is lying in that tomb. I was driving that day. I'm the one who killed my brother.” I threw my arms out and pointed to the cemetery's entrance. “Run, Drew. Run as fast as you can away from me and never look back.”
He didn't speak, but continued watching me. When he looked down briefly and glanced back up, I saw a glimmer in his eyes. They appeared glassy, but when he blinked, they were normal again.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” I asked. “Just go. Don't worry about sparing my feelings. It's better off thi—”
“If that's what you want, I'll leave, but you haven't given me any reason to walk away.”
I stared back at him, too shocked to form a sentence. It wasn't the response I was expecting and his soft-spoken tone and sad eyes told me he was about to join my pity party. But I didn't want a pity party, I didn't need it, or deserve it. As much as my heart swelled to hear him say those words, I didn't want him to feel like that's what I wanted to hear.
“Drew, did you hear a word I said?”
“Yes. Every word.”
“Are you sure, because I just said I KILLED MY BROTHER!”
I yelled. “My father wishes I were dead. All my friends stopped talking to me after the accident. My mother already pities me, so I don't need you doing it too.” A gust of wind blew and the chill sliced through me. I stared up at him, watching his hair tousle in the breeze and I thought how sexy he still looked in his suit. The tie was gone, the top three buttons were undone, and the shirt beneath his suit coat was slightly wrinkled. The cold tears stung my cheeks as I realized he was missing his own party back home. Instead, he was standing beside me in a graveyard. I walked away, turning my back, and wrapped my arms tightly around myself, freezing in the crisp air.
“Have you ever really stepped back and thought about what
your father is accusing you of?” Drew asked bluntly.
I turned to face him again, “Excuse me?” I asked, as if it were the dumbest question I'd ever heard. “I've had the last five years to think about what he's told me.
Every. Single. Day.” I glared at him as my teeth chattered.
He closed the gap between us, using his thumb to swipe the tears on my cheek before he pulled his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders. I felt instant relief with his warmth enveloping me. The scent of his aftershave floated up and I sighed longingly as I breathed him in. “Thank you.”
“Let's get out of this wind.” Drew shuffled toward the car, and I followed behind. He opened the passenger door, “Get in, I'll drive.”
Once he positioned himself in the driver’s seat, Drew pivoted to face me. It was an awkward feeling to have him so close. I was scared he would get angry with me any moment for not telling him the whole truth. I pressed the sleeve of his jacket to my cheeks, wiping the remaining tears off.
“I'm sorry I yelled at you,” I whispered, breaking the silence between us.
He ignored the apology. “It was a horrific accident, Lilly. It could have, and I'm sure has happened, to other people. You didn't ask the deer to jump in front of the car. You jerked the wheel, most people would have. But you cannot blame yourself for what happened. If it were the other way around, would you want Jesse to feel like he killed
you
?” Drew asked softly.
He was right, of course, he was; but rationalizing it in my head and saying it out loud still didn't make it okay. “No, I wouldn't want him thinking that way. But you know, when your father tells you that you ruined someone's life over and over... I guess eventually, it starts to stick. I know I didn't kill him on purpose, but it doesn't change the fact that it
was
my fault.”
“It doesn't change the fact that you were driving, but mistakes happen and you have to learn to let it go. I'm not saying you should
forget what happened, simply recognize it for what it was, an accident, and let it go.”
I nodded, understanding what he was trying to get across. The therapist said as much, but I never confessed to her that my father was blaming me. Maybe my sessions would have been more productive if I had.
Drew rubbed the back of his fingers across my cheek. “Are you okay? Does it hurt still?”
“He hurt my feelings more than anything else. Dad never hit me before and it took me off guard.”
“It took a lot of restraint to keep from coming over to you when he did that. If it weren't for your mom, I would have kicked his ass. I'm sorry to say, but your dad's a real dick.”
“Tell me something I don't already know,” I huffed. “I just hope my mom is okay, being alone with him. Tonight's the worst I've ever seen him.”
“Seems like she's learned how to handle him pretty well to me.”
“Yeah, she must have grown a backbone recently, because I've never seen her that assertive with him before. Makes me wonder just what she's had to deal with since I've been away. I knew it was bad, but maybe it was worse than I imagined.”
Drew only nodded, agreeing with my new assessment of my mother. Silence hung in the air between us again. Peering over, Drew looked away from me, slumping his shoulders with his hands stuffed in his lap as he leaned against the car door. I glanced in the same direction, hearing only the rustle of the trees and seeing the black backdrop of the unknown in the distance. “I'm sorry I ruined your night. You didn't have to come all this way to find me,” I said quietly.
He sighed and glanced at me. “Seeing you in so much grief… God, Lilly, it killed me. It was wrong of me to let you walk out of there alone.”
“I didn't mean to be so dramatic, but seeing those paintings completely caught me off guard.”
“It's totally understandable. That's why I didn't show them to you yet.”
I shook my head, thinking how a simple communication problem caused all of this to happen. I couldn't help wondering if maybe it was meant to be this way. Maybe I was meant to have a big blow-up with my father. It felt good to finally tell Drew everything.
“Give me your keys, I'll drive you back to your parents’ house,” Drew said, holding his palm out to me.
I fished them out of my pocketbook and handed them over. He started the car and turned the heater on. For once, it worked like it was supposed to and I was thankful as I held my hands up to the vent to warm them. Drew put the car in drive and headed out of the cemetery. It was only about a ten-minute drive to my parents’ house. Giving Drew directions was the only talking we did.
We were nearly there when I realized where we were. The sharp curve loomed up ahead and I could feel my hands starting to shake. I had only driven past the site of the accident a few times since it happened.
“Stop, Drew,” I said out loud.
“Stop what?”
I gripped his shoulder. “Stop the car right now. Please.”
He did as I asked and pulled over to the side of the road. Switching on the hazard lights, he twisted in his seat. “What is it? What's the matter?”
“Turn the car around. I'll show you a different way to go. There's a few side roads we can take to get us around this.”
“Around what?
Why can't we just go straight ahead? I could have sworn this is the way your mother brought me.”
I felt stupid, and would surely sound even dumber when I said it out loud. “Just ahead, a little further up, is where it happened. I've only been there a few times since the accident. I inadvertently drove by once when I wasn't paying attention, and two other times with the
therapist. The ones with my therapist didn't go so well, so I refused to come back. I go around now.” Drew looked at me, his sad eyes roaming my face for a clue, and I couldn't tell if it was pity or something else. He grabbed my trembling hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. “I know,” I said, “you don't have to say it. I'm nuts. I'm okay with that.”
Drew sighed heavily and let go of my hand, placing his back on the steering wheel. “I'm sure glad you know just what I'm thinking,” he said with a hint of sarcasm.
“But I didn't mea—”
“Just tell me where to turn,” he said, giving the car gas and swinging it around in the middle of the street.
I did as he asked and only spoke when I needed to. After a few extra turns, we pulled into the driveway and down the long paved path. A car's headlights came toward us. We both slowed our car until coming window to window with my mother's boyfriend. “Earl?” I asked.
He nodded an awkward hello. “Lilly.”
Great, he remembered me from the grocery store.
“Do you happen to know if my dad is here?”
“Yes. I helped your mom get him into bed in one of the rooms upstairs.”
Shocked, I wondered how my father even let that happened, especially in his condition. “Oh. I bet that was fun,” I said, leaning over Drew to talk.
“Oh, sure it was, after I punched him in the mouth for
talkin' shit to your mom.”
“You what?!”
Earl shrugged his shoulders. “It wasn't the first time, and I bet it won't be the last. At any rate, he should be out for the rest of the night and feelin' like a peach when he wakes up.”
I couldn't help the grin that curled across my face. I still didn't like knowing my mom and dad split up, and I wasn't sure about this
Earl guy, but I was starting to think I could get used to him. Anyone who could take on my dad got extra points in my book.
After we pulled away and drove up to the guesthouse, we both got out. I started walking toward the house before I noticed Drew wasn't behind me.
“I'm going to head on back,” Drew said, standing in front of my car. “Please be sure to thank your mother for me. I really appreciate what she did, especially for a stranger.”
I hurried back over and stood in front of him. “You're leaving?”
“Yeah. I only have this suit and didn't bring a change of clothes. Plus, this is something you should sort out with your family, without me in the way.”
“No. Please don't go,” I said, tugging at the front of his shirt. I looked into his eyes as my own started to pool with tears. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I stepped closer and pressed my cheek against his chest. “Please say you'll stay, I don't want you to leave.”
His hand brushed over my head and he kissed the top of it. He sighed, breathing heavily into my hair and we stood there a moment, saying nothing while his fingers combed through my hair.
“Okay,” he finally said.
After getting my bag out of the car and entering the guesthouse, I was surprised to see not much had changed since the days when my brother and I had sleep-overs and after-school parties here. It was a small, two-bedroom house with two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. One of the bedrooms was made into a game room. Overall, it would have been a perfect size for any small family to live in. I had no idea why my parents needed another house to go with the in-ground swimming pool, and thought it was a bit crazy. Funny, I never had those thoughts when we were hanging out with all of our friends. I guess I'd become more rational with age.