“Can you close that thing?” he yelled to the driver.
The tinted glass divider lowered, shutting us in. He slid in closer across the seat, squeezing me in against the door. He groped around the layers of material of my dress until his hand found my thigh buried underneath. He gripped hard. I used to like it when he touched me that way, with a firm, rough hand, like he never wanted to let go. But now it made me feel like I was suffocating, like he thought I
belonged
to him.
I opened the window more, letting in a stream of big, fat
raindrops. I couldn’t help but think of Nick, dripping wet. Where had he gone? Were these same drops falling on him right now? The way they felt, landing on my cheeks in splats, made my stomach coil into knots. It wasn’t just Nick. I had felt this way before—the rain settling into a mist over my face, the pain in my gut, the uncertainty—like a memory from another life. That’s when I remembered the last time it had rained this way: the night of the accident.
“I booked a room at the Sheraton for later,” Derek announced as we pulled into the school driveway behind a line of other rented limos. “And look what I brought for the occasion.” He flashed open his jacket. A small, square, florescent green packet peeked out from the inside pocket. It was a condom, just like the ones we had bought together at the Vista Valley Mart all those months ago. “I figured we can, you know, pick up where we left off.”
My stomach heaved and swelled like there was a tidal wave trapped inside me. “Okay,” I said weakly.
The driver came around to my side first and opened the door, holding out a black umbrella. I slid out from under Derek’s hold but could still feel the spot where he had been gripping my leg, like it had been permanently marked by his fingertips.
I paused on the walkway. The rain was pelting down in sheets, blowing onto my hair and dress. A giggling group of dressed-up couples spilled out of their limo and splashed past me, racing for dry cover. Derek ran with them, making a beeline for the front entrance. He didn’t turn around or even notice I hadn’t moved until he reached the doors.
“What are you doing?” he called out as the wind battered a bouquet of balloons behind him. A silver one broke free from the bunch. I followed its path in the sky as it flew higher and higher above Derek, above the building, up into the source of the storm, until I couldn’t see it anymore. Suddenly I wasn’t standing outside the school, but in front of his house that night, the rain coming down on me just like this. “Olive, come on! You’ll get soaked.”
As his voice reached me, I shook off the feeling, reminding myself where I was. I ran up the walkway to meet him.
The whole building felt like it was shaking from the thumping bass. We headed in the direction of the sound, the rows of lockers on either side of us plastered with the same nautical-themed streamers and balloons covering the front entrance.
“We’re going here first,” Derek said as we approached the Pioneer. It had been so long since I’d staked out the door, waiting for Derek to emerge, pretending I just happened to be walking by whenever he finally did. “We stashed a keg in here this morning.”
The pre-party was already packed. Hip-hop streamed from the iPod docking station, drowning out the Katy Perry song blaring from the gym. It was hot and humid inside, the windows completely fogged over from the rain. I looked around, taking in my surroundings. All these years, I’d built the Pioneer up in my head to be this amazing, secret hideout. But it was just like every other classroom in the building, with the same drop-panel ceilings, the same fluorescent lights, and the same dry-erase board up at the front. Other than the fact that you needed a key to get in, there was nothing special about it.
“Bro!” Jed, one of Derek’s teammates, greeted him with a high five. Even though Derek had his arm around me, Jed acted like I wasn’t there. “Now we can really get this party started. This one’s for you!”
Jed downed his beer in celebration and then immediately started pounding the one in his other hand. A small crowd cheered him on. A group of girls nearby excitedly admired one another’s outfits. A couple was sloppily making out in the middle of the room. And here I was, with Derek, a part of it again. This had been exactly what I wanted. Only now that it was happening, why did I feel like I was suffocating?
Derek dropped his arm from my shoulder. “If you’re just going to mope all night, tell me now.”
“No,” I said, dredging up the biggest smile I could muster. I was sure I looked just like my mother. “I’m happy to be here.”
“I’m going to get some beer.”
He pushed his way through the thickening crowd toward the keg, greeting his teammates with “bro-hugs” along the way, like they were football players. I moved off to the side and watched him. All this time I’d been so convinced that getting back together would reinstate my identity, but I never stopped to question what that identity even was. Because the more I thought about it, Jed’s behavior was no different from how it used to be before the accident. He never talked to me or asked me questions about my life. None of Derek’s friends ever had. I was just the girl on the side, the one who watched from the stands during debates and sat quietly during lunch, listening to them laugh at their inside jokes. It suddenly dawned on me
why Derek had wanted me to dress up as a cheerleader for Halloween. It wasn’t so he could live out some private fantasy. It was so I could look like what I already was: his personal cheerleader. In the end, it was probably why he chose me over Betsy. He didn’t have to worry about sharing me with an entire team. I only cheered for him.
My eyes aimlessly scanned the crowd until they rested on a head of long, blond hair. I knew who it belonged to before she even turned around. Betsy Brill. What was she doing here?
She intercepted Derek as he made his way back, juggling two yellow plastic cups overflowing with beer. Leaning in, she whispered something in his ear. My body froze as her dress slipped off her shoulder, revealing her bra underneath. It wasn’t just any bra. It was red, with a delicate, white lace trim. Tiny pink heart-shaped polka dots covered the bust. Even though the hearts weren’t visible from where I was standing, I knew they were there because it wasn’t the first time I’d seen them.
My lungs suddenly felt like they were shrinking, fighting for small gasps of air. Everything grew hazy, the room off-kilter, like I was the one who’d been drinking. I looked down at my dress, still streaked with rain. It felt like I was standing outside looking in through the steamy windows.
And that’s when the truth came barreling toward me, forcing me to confront everything I didn’t want to think about or remember. One by one, each detail came into sharp focus, like I was reliving the whole experience all over again. It felt so real and vivid, like I’d been transported back in time to that night,
and I was no longer standing in the Pioneer, but in Derek’s bedroom. Naked.
I’d begged him to let me keep some of my clothes on, but he said he wanted to see all of me when it happened. He told me to trust him. And I did. I always did. The bed squeaked as he lay down on top of me. Using his hand, he guided his way in. I stifled a scream and bit down on the inside of my cheek. Pulling down on the ends of my hair, Derek thrust his body into mine over and over until he rolled off with a grunt. And just like that it was over. I was no longer a virgin.
When I’d reached down to retrieve my shirt from the floor, it snagged on something hidden under the bed. A red bra with heart-shaped polka dots and a white lace trim around the edges.
The song suddenly blasted in my head. The lyrics jumped on top of each other, out of order, like a traffic pileup. There was an added urgency to his voice, but I couldn’t tell if it was meant as a sign or a warning. The melody crescendoed until it seemed like it had nowhere left to go, like it was dangling on the precipice of a deep canyon. One more step and it would drop, free-falling into the abyss. The sound and scope were so big it felt like the melody could no longer fit in my head, a prisoner banging his fist against the contours of my skull.
I’d become so convinced the song was trying to tell me something, but I was beginning to realize that maybe I was going about it all wrong, that it was up to me to decipher its meaning, to decide what to do next.
A nudge on my arm brought me back, the blinding fluorescent
lights reminding me where I was. “There’s only beer,” Derek said, handing me a cup.
I reflexively stepped away, his breath already sour and stale from drinking. Betsy’s eyes met mine from across the room. A sly grin spread across her face as she readjusted her dress, hiding the lacy strap. And that’s when I knew: she had wanted me to see it.
“It was hers,” I muttered under my breath. “It was Betsy’s.”
I had long suspected the bra belonged to her, but I was beginning to discover the true power of denial. Uncovering the truth stirred something so deep within it was like excavating a corpse, that part of me I wanted to keep hidden even from myself.
Because the alternative was too shameful.
“Relax,” he said, crumpling his empty cup. “She’s here with someone else.”
The haze around me began to clear. It wasn’t just about Betsy. It was the things Derek did and said, the way he looked at me. The way he made me feel when I was with him: more alone than I felt when I was by myself. None of it reflected the person I wanted to be. The person I was starting to become, until we got back together.
“I need to get out of here.”
“Wait.” Derek reached out to stop me but caught hold of the corsage on my wrist instead. Pink and white petals fell to the ground.
“Hey, watch it!” Jed called out as I bumped his elbow on my way out, jostling his cup. Beer sloshed all over his shirt, some splattering on my dress, but I didn’t stop. I made it to the
door ahead of Derek and sprinted back down the hall, my legs pumping so fast that the rest of my body could barely keep up. I stopped by a bank of lockers and leaned against them, gasping for air. Derek came bounding around the corner, practically tripping over me.
“What the hell has gotten into you?” he said, wiping his moist brow with the back of his sleeve. “If this is about Betsy, I told you it’s over.”
I stood to face him. My mind was no longer fuzzy. It reminded me of what happened when the aperture on the camera was wide open: lots of light came through. And that’s what it felt like now. The aperture on my life was opening, and for the first time, I could see Derek for who he really was.
My voice came out strong and clear.
“It’s about everything,” I said. “That night, you made me feel like I was the one who’d done something wrong, that I was the reason you cheated. That I even deserved it.” As it started to come out, I realized that I’d been directing my feelings of betrayal and mistrust at the wrong person. “You disappeared when I needed you most. What’s worse is you didn’t defend me. You let everyone believe I’d done it on purpose.”
“Well, didn’t you?” he said, his face all blotchy and red. “Nobody forced you to take my car. You were completely out of control.”
I started to back away as I thought about the rest of that night. How he said I’d made him wait too long, that love wasn’t always enough. I had felt like I was choking and that the only way to breathe again was to run away, to get as far away from
him as possible. It was exactly how I felt again right now. But instead of leaving and letting him have the last word, I turned around one last time.
“You know, I actually feel sorry for you. You’re the kind of coward who will never be able to think for himself. You’ll always have to hide behind lies and other people’s ideas to feel like a real person. But, believe me, the truth will always find you.” I gathered my dress in my hand. “And since I didn’t have the guts to do it the first time around, let me be perfectly clear. I’m breaking up with you.”
I ran down the hall, away from the thumping bass, the balloons, and Derek. This time, I knew he wasn’t going to follow. And I didn’t want him to.
I had almost reached the door when I ran right into Annie coming out of the girls’ bathroom, knocking her camera bag off her shoulder. I scrambled to catch it but it was too late. It fell to the ground with a dull thud.
“Oh shit,” I said, kneeling down to get it. “I hope I didn’t break it.”
We had passed each other in the halls many times since our fight in the darkroom, but this was the first time we’d actually spoken. It was also the first time I realized just how much I’d missed her.
“It’s fine.” She slung the bag back over her shoulder. “There’s a reason there’s so much padding,” she said, tapping the thick outer case.
“I’m really sorry, Annie.”
“I know.” She played with the zipper on the camera bag.
“I didn’t mean those things. I was totally out of line. I was just angry and confused.”
Annie dropped the rest of her bags and we both sat down on the floor. “But you were right. There I was telling you how to live your life when I wasn’t even being honest about my own. I was too afraid to accept who I really am.”
I pulled my knees into my chest and leaned against the lockers. The metal felt cold against my exposed back. “Sometimes that’s the hardest part.”
“Well, because of you I finally did it. Jessica is now officially my girlfriend and she’s moving back to L.A. in the fall. I even came out to my parents, not that they were surprised.”
We both laughed. “That’s amazing, Annie! I’m seriously so proud of you.”
She nodded toward the gym. “Aren’t you supposed to be in there being crowned prom king and queen?”
I squeezed my eyes, trying to blink back a tear. “It’s over. For good this time.”
Annie nudged her shoulder into mine. That was all it took. The dam broke and months of pent-up tears came pouring out of me. Every time I tried to say something, another swell took over. It was the kind of full-body, chest-heaving crying where you have no choice but to surrender.
“I feel so humiliated,” I finally said between sobs.
“You have no reason to be.” She reached for my hand. “I was way too hard on you.”