Authors: Philip Roth
Then too there is the former First Lady's bitterness
toward her own country, as manifested in her
decision to marry a foreigner and live in a foreign
country.
POLITICAL COACH:
Well, it isn't exactly as though
she's living in Peking or Hanoi, you know.
LEGAL COACH:
I've considered that, and I think that
the wisest course to follow is not to mention the
name of the country itself. We'll just keep saying
foreign-suggesting intrigue and despots and shady
operations-and hope that nobody will remember
it's only Greece.
POLITICAL COACH:
Jackie and Lancelot-I've got to
admit, we're going to get the headlines on this one.
But why Jimi Hendrix, if he's dead?
LEGAL COACH:
Because we haven't had a rock performer yet. And
personally I think _the parents of the country are
ready to hang one of those bastards. We'll start
cautiously, however, with a dead one. And if we
don't pick up any flak there, we'll get ourselves a
live one in time for
,
the election ... And, of course,
last but not least, his name begins with a "J."
TRICKY:
I must say, from the sound of it, you
certainly appear to have thought this through in all
its ramifications in only about five minutes. The
political advantages to be gained by associating
Lancelot and the Charisma name with rock singers
and folk singers seem to be inestimable. And
indicting and then freeing Johnny Carson is
probably just about the most fantastic opportunity
for self-aggrandizement I've come upon since
Hiss.
LEGAL COACH:
Thank you, Mr. President.
TRICKY:
But-and this is a very big but-there is the
rule, of your own devising, that we all agreed to
earlier. Yes, I know you see this as "a clear and
present danger" to the party-but I happen to see it
as nothing short of a tremendous boon.
Consequently, I am not going to allow you to
submit these five names. But-and here is an even
bigger but-but, because the five
are
inextricably
linked by their first initial, I am going to ask you
rather to submit them as though they were one. And
to indicate that they are to be tabulated as one and
not five, I am going to place a large bracket there in
the margin, like so ... See? I want all of you to see. I
have just done exactly as I said I would. Please take
a good long look so that afterwards there is no
cause to question the honesty of these proceedings.
(All examine the bracket and agree it is a bracket,
just as the President said) Now then, Professor.
Your vote.
HIGHBROW COACH:
I cast my vote for Curt
Flood and Curt Flood alone. Not only is his a fresh
name to a country that is growing pretty weary of
the Berrigans and the Panthers-and, with all due
respect, is sick to death of Jacqueline Charisma-but
on top of that he is, as I said earlier, someone we
can slander and vilify without any danger of turning
him into a hero or a martyr. In the argot of baseball,
he is a natural.
TRICKY:
Very good. (Records the vote) And,
Reverend? Have you reached a final decision? You
can't say I haven't given you time to make a wise
choice.
SPIRITUAL COACH:
No, I can't. Only I'm afraid
that having listened to everything that's been said,
I'm really more confused now than when I began. I
mean I'm still very much for Jane Fonda. She is still
far and away my first choice. but once I get beyond
her-well, I just can't make up my mind. And it really
would be terrible to do the wrong thing, wouldn't it,
given the gravity and seriousness of what we're
about ... ?
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 81
(To the General) Excuse me, but who did you vote
for again?
MILITARY COACH:
Hanoi and Haiphong.
SPIRITUAL
COACH
(to Political Coach) : And
you?
POLITICAL COACH:
Hanoi, without Haiphong.
SPIRITUAL COACH
(to Legal Coach) : And you
have the five-in-one-and what were the others?
LEGAL COACH:
Berrigans, Panthers and Flood.
SPIRITUAL COACH
(throwing his hands up) : Oh,
this is just impossible! Each one sounds better than
the one before! Oh-the heck with it! Eeny, meeny,
miney, moe ... Okay! Jane Fonda
and
Curt Flood!
Done!
TRICKY:
(Records the Reverend's vote) Now that all
the ballots have been cast, gentlemen, I am going
once again to pass this sheet of paper among you
so that you may be certain that your votes have
been correctly tabulated. Even the President of the
United States, you know, is capable of making a
clerical error, and if he has, he certainly hopes that
he can be a big enough man to admit it. (He passes
the paper among them)
LEGAL COACH:
Jimi Hendrix, Mr. President
the first name is spelled J-i-m-i, not J-i-m-m-y, as
you've written it here.
TRICKY:
Well, let's correct it then, because that is just
the sort of error, inadvertently made, that tends to
be totally misconstrued by the press.
82
OUR GANG
Now I never claimed to know how to spell the
names of every colored person in this country, but
I will tell you this much: where someone's name is
concerned, colored or not, he has a constitutional
right to have it spelled correctly on any indictment
that is handed down on him, no matter how absurd
or outrageous the charges themselves. And so long
as I am President, I am going to make every effort
to see that this is done. Now, J-i-m what?
LEGAL COACH:
I.
TRICKY:
J-i-m-i. There. And I'll initial the change,
just to make clear exactly who is responsible for
both the error and the correction. There!
Now I only wish that the wonderful colored
people of this country could have seen the scrupulosity
with which I attended to a matter
seemingly so picayune as this one. Oh sure, the
media would still find something to carp about, you
can bank on that. But I am certain, if I know the
great majority of good, hard-working colored
people in this country, that the time I just took
from my pressing duties as President of the United
States and Leader of the Free World to correct a
single letter in one of their names would not have
gone unnoticed and unappreciated. Call me a
dreamer; call me a believer in humanity; call me, as
the song has it, a'cockeyed optimist; and be sure to
call me a big man too,
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
83
for admitting to my error; but I am sure that they
would understand just how difficult a problem this
is for us to solve, given the kinds of ways they
spell those names of theirs, and I think they would
have that wonderful wisdom, such as comes to
people who work in menial occupations, to realize
that a job of these proportions is not going to be
completed overnight, and that consequently we are
not about to be bullied into spelling their names
correctly by marches or demonstrations or mule
trains parked on the White House lawn. We will
spell them right but in our own sweet time, and
according to our own secret timetable, on earth as
it is in Heaven.
SPIRITUAL COACH:
Amen.
TRICKY
And, my friends, on that sanctimonious
note, I am going to call this conference to a close.
At ten A.M., we shall meet to settle upon the exact
nature of the crime. In the meantime, I will remain
here in the locker room, in uniform .. .
SPIRITUAL COACH:
Mr. President, it is nearly
dawn. You must get some rest. You must take
your helmet off and go to bed.
TRICKY:
I couldn't sleep now, Reverend, if I tried.
Not with a smear campaign of this magnitude
before me.
SPIRITUAL COACH:
But a man has only so much
to give ...
TRICKY:
When it comes to something like this,,
84
OUR GANG
Reverend, I have to say, immodest as it may sound,
I am indefatigable. No, I will remain
in
uniform,
helmet and all, and with the aid of the ballots you
have cast here in this free election, I will hammer
out, in the lonely vigil of the night, the conspiracy
that seems to me most beneficial to my career. I
only hope and pray that I am equal to the task.
Good night, gentlemen, and thank you.
ALL:
Good night, Mr. President. (They rise to leave)
TRICKY:
And don't forget to hand in your
uni
forms at
the door. I won't mention names, but I understand
that last time one of you tried to smuggle his out,
under his street clothes, in order to show off at
home to his wife and children. Of course, I
understand the temptation. How many times have I
wanted to address the nation in my shoulder guards!
I've never told this to a soul, but strictly between us,
at the time of the Cambodian incursion, I did go on
nationwide TV, unbeknownst to everyone, wearing
my regulation National Football League athletic
supporter.
I just couldn't help myself. I'd seen Patton and I'd
invaded Cambodia, and I guess the whole thing
went to my head. Of course, not a word beyond
these four walls: if any of my critics found out, well,
you know how they like to jump on Dixon. All I
have to do is wear a football player's jockstrap on
TV while making
TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS
85
a foreign policy speech and the morning papers
would have me pegged as a psychopath. Down here
in the secret underground locker room it's one
thing-up there in the real world, banker's gray!
ALL:
You can trust us with your secrets, Mr.
President.
TRICKY
(moved) : I know I can ... All right, then. It
remains only for each of you, as he passes from the
room, to slap me on the behind the way the pros do
coming out of the huddle. And don't forget to say,
"Way to go, Tricky D, way to go!"
* 4 *
Tricky Addresses
the Nation
(The Famous "Something Is Rotten in
the State of Denmark" Speech)