Authors: Kate Stayman-London
Marin
[2:28pm]
: Hey, have you left yet? I’m running so behind!!!
Bea
[2:30pm]
: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!! David just told us he learned to twerk, and he’s going to show us?? Marin he’s so drunk it’s going to be AWFUL
Marin
[2:31pm]
: NO! Did Sharon make that sangria again?? That stuff is so dangerous
Bea
[2:35pm]
: 1) she did 2) I’m wasted 3) would it be a terrible idea for me to make out with Sneha’s hot cousin?
Marin
[2:36pm]
: Boy cousin or girl cousin
Bea
[2:36pm]
: Boy cousin I’m still straight Mar
Marin
[2:37pm]
: Cool then he’s all yours!!!! As long as no one’s leaking anything to the press, GO FORTH!!!!
Bea
[2:37pm]
: I’m not really gonna make out with him
Marin
[2:38pm]
: I know, babe. But you COULD
Bea
[2:39pm]
: CORRECT, I COULD
Marin
[2:42pm]
: Ok getting in a car see you soon tell David not to twerk until I get there!!!!!!
Bea
[2:47pm]
: Too late he just did and it was art
——-Forwarded Message——-
FROM:
Olivia Smythson, The Agency <
[email protected]
>
TO:
Bea Schumacher <
[email protected]
>
SUBJECT:
RE: Projects
Hey, Bea! Just want to do a quick rundown of where we stand on various projects—your call with CondéNast is SET for Thursday, and Jenna Lyons is going to be in town next week, she wants to know if you’re avail on Wednesday to talk potential collabs? Katy and Corey will email you to set it up. We’re also fielding calls from several publishers about a memoir, but I’ve told them all you aren’t ready for that. Any thoughts on a bone we could throw them in the meantime? A fashion handbook, something like that? Just spitballing here, you’re the creative!
And just to double-check, you’re sure you don’t want to do anything else in television?? I have to tell you, Bea, I’m getting more calls than I know what to do with. Would you remotely consider being a substitute host on The View? Call me when you can!
P.S. I know you’re taking a “break” from social media, but can you PLEASE post at least one Insta story a week? We’ve got to keep your engagement metrics up, or all these new followers will be for NOTHING! Thanks, Bea!
OVER FOOTAGE OF THE PARIS SKYLINE AT SUNSET, WE HEAR A VOICE—
VOICEOVER
One month ago in Paris, not one, but
two
men were ready to marry Bea Schumacher.
INSERT FOOTAGE: SAM AND BEA ON THE PONT DES ARTS
SAM
I love you, Bea. I want to spend my life with you.
INSERT FOOTAGE: RAY DOWN ON ONE KNEE
RAY
Bea, will you marry me?
ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS AS WE PUSH IN ON BEA’S FACE—BUT THEN WE FREEZE-FRAME AND—
SFX: RECORD SCRATCH
VOICEOVER
But she turned them BOTH down.
SMASH CUT TO A RAPID MONTAGE OF FOOTAGE FROM THROUGHOUT THE SEASON OVER UPBEAT MUSIC
VOICEOVER
This Monday, on the LIVE
Main Squeeze
Reunion Special, we’ll answer
all
your burning questions. Why did Bea turn down Sam and Ray? Have they forgiven her? Has
she
forgiven Luc? And what will she say when she sees Asher for the first time since he left the show?
INSERT FOOTAGE: BEA, ASHER, GWEN & LINUS LAUGHING OVER DINNER
VOICEOVER
Don’t miss a moment of the dramatic
Main Squeeze
Reunion Special, this Monday night at eight, only on ABS.
Life back in Los Angeles was a little like a parallel universe, one where Bea was mostly the same person, where not many things had changed, but where strangers occasionally gave her odd looks of recognition, and rarely went so far as to offer unsolicited opinions on her romantic choices. Bea didn’t frequent the kinds of bars or restaurants where having been on reality television would entitle one to skip the line, much to Marin’s chagrin. These days, Bea preferred to lie low; avoiding crowded places and staying as far from social media as her agent would allow, relishing the actual, real-life company of her actual, real-life friends. She hadn’t watched any of the episodes of her season yet, even though they were all right there waiting. For now, she was happy to be back in her own house, her own clothes, her own bed.
But as the reunion show neared, one month to the day after the finale, public interest in Bea’s life started to perk up again, and Bea felt the familiar nerves return. It was nothing close to the anxiety she’d felt prior to and during her season, but she thought over and over about what it would be like seeing so many of these men for the first time since filming ended—Luc, Sam, Ray, and, if he showed up, Asher.
There wasn’t a thing she could do to stop her racing thoughts—but at least she got to bring Marin along for moral support, and the network sent a plush black SUV to chauffeur them to the studio in Burbank.
“Who are you most nervous to see?” Marin asked, helping herself to some M&M’s from the car’s minibar. “Ray or Asher?”
“Asher’s not coming,” Bea said quickly.
“You don’t know that for sure. TMZ said he might be there.”
“Last I heard, he hasn’t been responding to any of the producers’ emails. They say he’s in breach of contract.”
“Seriously? Do you think they’ll sue him?”
“No, that was just a useful threat to make sure I didn’t shut down production. I don’t think they’d bother over whether he shows up for one reunion show.”
Bea’s tone was casual, but the truth was that she thought about Asher more than she liked—when she read something funny, when she wore anything leopard-print, when she stopped into Sephora and found herself browsing for things Linus might like. As angry as she still felt about the way he’d abandoned her at the first sign of trouble, she found she missed him even more. She’d asked Alison to look into whether he’d be coming to the reunion, which was how she found out he’d cut off contact with the production staff entirely. That was that—he couldn’t possibly send a clearer signal that he had absolutely no interest in seeing her again. It stung—and badly—but Bea knew that if she could get over Ray, she could get past Asher too.
“Serious question, though,” Marin deadpanned, aiming to lighten the mood, “can I punch Ray when you see him?”
“Marin!” Bea laughed.
“Not like a Krav Maga hit—just a gentle CrossFit hook! Please?”
“He got down on one knee on national television and I said I’d rather be alone than marry him. Isn’t it possible he already got his comeuppance?”
Marin scowled. “Not even close.”
Once they arrived at the studio, things moved quickly: Bea was back in the hair-and-makeup chair, then off to wardrobe, where Alison dressed her in a custom Jason Wu tuxedo with slim pants, long lapels, and a sheer chiffon camisole that gave the illusion Bea was wearing nothing at all underneath. Her hair was styled in a sleek chignon, her eyes were rimmed with black kohl, and her five-inch black-patent Manolos were completely impossible to walk in. In short, Bea looked like a fierce boss bitch—the total opposite of a typical
Main Squeeze
reunion show look, which was something soft and white and lacy that suggested a glowing bride-to-be.
“Wow,” Marin enthused, “if any of these men didn’t regret losing you already, they’re really going to now.”
“Right?” Alison grinned. “My work here is done.”
“Ugh,” Bea sighed, “your work literally is done.”
“Nuh-uh, I’m styling you forever.” Alison gave Bea a warm hug, then turned to Marin. “Where are you watching the show? Up in the audience?”
“Oh, I guess.” Bea didn’t miss Marin’s affected nonchalance. “Bea, is that right?”
“You can watch wherever you like,” Bea said pointedly. “Do you want to hang with Alison in the green room?”
“I mean, sure, if that’d be cool with you?” Marin turned to Alison, who smiled coyly.
Well,
Bea thought
, maybe someone will find love from my time on this show after all.
But before she could poke any further fun at her two friends, a producer came to grab her—the audience was seated, and it was nearly 5
P.M
. Pacific, 8
P.M
. Eastern. Time for the show to begin.
@Reali-Tea
Okay shippers & sippers, are you ready for the big @MainSqueezeABS reunion show?? Tweet along as we find out the dirty dish on how that finale really went down.
@Reali-Tea
Here’s Johnny to intro a blooper reel of all the men being idiots in the house, snore. How many times can I watch Trevor get wasted and fall off the diving board?
@Reali-Tea
Omfg, they’re making all the personal trainers (Kumal, Ben K., and I want to say Ben Q.? maybe?) take a quiz about fatphobia and every time they get one wrong they have to do 10 push-ups hahahahaha I love this show so much
@Reali-Tea
OH SHIT they brought Ben G.’s kindergarten class to teach Jefferson why it’s bad to be a bully!!!
@Reali-Tea
Boss little girl: “Jefferson, do you think it’s okay to be mean to people?”
Jefferson: …
BLG: “Well, if you don’t think it’s okay, then why were you mean to Bea?”
Jefferson: …
Tiny boy w/glasses: “My mom said that bullies hate themselves. Do you hate yourself?”
@Reali-Tea
They’re making Jefferson take Michelle Obama’s anti-bullying pledge. Y’all, I will go to my grave stanning this show, I swear to god.
@Reali-Tea
Awwwww, it’s Wyatt!! Hey boo! He’s thanking @ombea and all of us for accepting him for who he is, I am cry
@Reali-Tea
Johnny’s telling Wyatt they have a surprise guest to see him???
@Reali-Tea
SHUT UP IT’S WYATT’S MOM HATTIE!!!!! She says she loves him and she’s proud he came out, she thinks they should get another set of matching tattoos. Tattoo this family on my face tbqh HATTIE PLS ADOPT ME.
@Reali-Tea
Okay, first half of the show is OVER! Queen @ombea herself coming out after the break, so grab your mugs now, because you KNOW she’s about to serve some tea.