“We
are
going to figure this out. If for no other reason than that we both need to resolve what happened.”
“How do you mean?”
“I don’t want to be the man who hurt you and you don’t want to be the woman with the broken heart.”
She pursed her lips as she turned and looked at him.
“It’s the truth.”
“Yes, it is. I just don’t want it to be. But you’re right, I need something that only you can give me, and I’m going to be ruthless about taking it, Jay. I won’t make this easy for you.”
He smiled and felt something tight in his chest relax. “I wouldn’t want you any other way.”
“Do you want me?” she asked. “Or do you just want a version of me? This isn’t Vegas. I’m not going to have time to just lie in bed with you and have sex all day.”
He hardened at the thought of that. That was one of his fantasies, but he also wanted more from her than the physical. Their bond had started with light flirting and kisses that he still didn’t quite believe were real. No one had ever tasted as good as Alysse or had fitted into his arms just the way she did.
“Who said anything about sex?” he asked.
She closed the gap between the two of them. He held himself still as she ran her finger down the center of his chest, poking him. “This entire setup is about seduction and we both know it. So give me the truth, Marine.”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to handle you without the sex,” he said. “In bed I know what I’m doing and...well, it makes our relationship a lot easier.”
“That’s not a relationship,” she said.
“I know. Believe me, if it was we’d still be together and the last few years would have been much different.”
She smiled at him. “I don’t understand you, Jay.”
He didn’t understand himself. This crossroads had started in the desert sand but it was turning into a crisis inside him. Something that he had to resolve, or he knew he’d end up just as bitter and lonely as his old man had been. Having a chance at happiness with Alysse—he knew he couldn’t, wouldn’t, give that up.
“I don’t either, but we can do something about it,” he said.
“You are very confident about this.”
“It’s the only plan I’ve got. I’m kind of invested in making it work.”
She nodded. “Things are going to be different this time.”
“I get that,” he said.
“Good. I’m not the passive person I used to be.”
He laughed that she said that with a straight face. “You are so far from passive. From the beginning you had me wrapped around your little finger.”
“Did I?” she asked. “It felt the other way around to me.”
In that instant he knew that the bond they’d formed had its grounding in something beyond just sex. He had always known it deep inside because she’d never left his thoughts even when they had half the world between them. But she’d made him very aware that the feelings weren’t one-sided. And that gave him more hope than he probably deserved.
* * *
T
HE
WAITER
LIT
the tiki torches near them and delivered a coffee service. She glanced at her watch, knowing she should be leaving, but she didn’t want to go just yet. Jay made her feel as if this was the first day of the rest of her life.
She wanted it to be worth something. She thought about how one-sided her life had been since she’d started working at the bakery. How when she went to the beach to play volleyball with her friends and family she always felt like the odd person out because everyone else had a partner and she was afraid to risk herself again.
Jay had stolen a little of that happiness from her and she wanted it back. She wanted everything life had to offer and the only way she would get that would be to take it back.
Jay had been right when he’d said she wasn’t passive. She liked to pretend she was easygoing and just went with the flow, but truly, she was determined to have everything her own way.
And maybe Jay had sensed that and he’d left her because he knew she wasn’t going to be content just to let him be her lover and rule her life the way he had that week in Vegas. She had changed in the last five years and she hadn’t even realized how much until she’d been sitting across from him at dinner. She wanted things now that she hadn’t understood were important back then.
It was humbling to discover that though she’d felt so adult and grown up in Vegas she was only now catching on to how much she still had to learn. It had been easy to fall for Jay because she’d never really lost before. Were her expectations too high? Not high enough?
“Come back and sit down,” he said.
She nodded and returned to the table. No matter how much she wanted to run away and leave him she knew she wasn’t going to do it until she’d gotten some more information from him.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Just wondering how difficult the last few years have been for you,” she said.
“Not too bad,” he answered. “A lot of routine and discipline.”
“Do you like the routine?”
“Love it. In the Corps there are rules and if you follow them you get the expected results.”
“Just like baking,” she said.
He chuckled and she caught her breath as she recognized just how handsome he was when he smiled. She stared at him and noticed again the new cut above his lip. Just a small scar, not recent, but it hadn’t been there the last time she’d seen him.
Suddenly she had a vision of a warrior, battered and bruised, but continuing to fight because he didn’t know anything else. She wondered if Jay had a code of honor and then realized what a silly thing that was to consider: she knew he had a code of honor. He’d left her to keep from hurting her.
That was what he’d said. And in a way she could see the logic in it, but in another way she didn’t get it. She truly didn’t understand this man.
“I guess it is like baking,” he said at last. “I like the order of it.”
“Me, too. But I also like coming up with my own variations. I use the recipes for the basics, then I build on them.”
He shook his head. “There’s little room for variation when you are fighting a war.”
“I wouldn’t know about that. But I think I want to. Tell me about yourself, Jay.”
“There’s not much to tell,” he said.
She frowned. “I’m not going to let you push it aside. I need to know what you’re really like.”
“Fine. I wake up at five-thirty even when I’m on leave and run five miles. Then I shower and eat breakfast.”
“What do you have for breakfast?” she asked, suspecting he ate the same thing every day. After all, he’d admitted he liked routine. It was just the Jay in Vegas that had been spontaneous.
“Cereal. I like it and it tastes the same wherever I am in the world.”
She wanted to ask him more questions, but he seemed lost in thought. She could almost see the gears in his mind turning as he mentally went through his routine.
“I report for duty when I’m not on leave and check my weapons and get my assignment. Depending on what my mission is I follow the parameters of that. Then, at the end of the day or mission, depending on how long it lasts, I return home.”
“What kind of assignments do you have?”
“You don’t want to know,” he said.
“Yes, I do.”
“Tell me about your day,” he said.
She narrowed her gaze on him. “You’re stubborn. More so than I am.”
“Damned straight.”
She just sat there knowing that she’d play this out to the end by not budging an inch. But then if she did and kept up the stone wall around her emotions, was he going to leave her exactly the same person she was when she arrived here? Alone and not trusting
any man.
“Fine. I wake up at four and hit the snooze button twice before I finally have to jump out of bed and hurry through my shower. Once I get to the bakery I am almost awake. I have a cup of coffee and start making the pastries we need for the morning. Staci gets there about the same time as I do and the first fifteen minutes are eerily quiet until we both wake up and then we start talking.”
“What do you talk about?”
“Anything, everything and nothing. You know? We just talk and then the day speeds by and when it’s six we close up and head home.”
“That’s a long day,” he said.
“Yes, but I like it. We’re closed on Sunday and Monday and I always wake up at four and can’t go back to sleep. It’s so frustrating.”
He chuckled, and for a moment she forgot the past and the baggage they both had. She felt as though she was on a date, and she relaxed for the first time in more than five years.
“I hate that.”
“Does it happen to you?” she asked.
He shook his head and she had to laugh. It figured. He was the kind of man who was too regimented ever to have that kind of sleeping issue. He probably ordered his body to exercise and it did it.
But he wasn’t a machine, no matter how much he might seem so on the surface. She knew that he was a man and he wanted—no, needed—something from her. Some sign that there was more to life than what he’d known, and she was so afraid to go down this path with him.
But she wasn’t about to let herself chicken out.
4
J
AY
DIDN
’
T
BELIEVE
in luck. He’d seen too many guys with four-leaf-clover tattoos leaving in body bags to think that there was anything in this world that could influence his fate. He’d kind of always known he made his own luck and sitting across from Alysse on the beach with the waves crashing on the shore...well, it was about as lucky as he’d ever felt.
Tonight he’d realized how little he knew Alysse and that had maybe been why he’d left. Perhaps that panicked sweat he’d woken up in the last morning he’d been in Vegas had had nothing to do with her large family and the expectations she had for him, and everything to do with the fact that he didn’t really know her outside of that king-size bed they’d shared.
He wanted to believe that. Truly, he did. But at the end of the day he’d taken one look at the sweetly sleeping woman and known deep in his soul he was going to hurt her. So he’d done it the quickest way possible. Got it over with and got out.
But then that damned IED had changed his life. And now he was back trying to carve something from the past that he should never have given up. It wasn’t as simple as reliving what they’d had because they couldn’t go back. He wanted to know if he could have the life he’d never experienced with her.
“So tell me about your near miss,” she said in a careful tone.
Alysse was the prettiest girl he’d ever known. He’d seen beautiful women before but there was something about her that had drawn him from the moment their eyes had met. And sitting across from her now, he was still enamored with her. She had mellowed toward him during dinner, though he knew he was still on the hot seat and she’d walk away from him without looking back.
“There’s not much to tell. The logistics of it won’t matter to you. Just know that I was lying in the sand, sun in my eyes and for a minute I thought I was dying. In that instant it came to me that I had no one. It sharpened all of my desires and all of my ideas of what life was about.”
She reached over and rubbed her hand down his arm, taking his fingers in her grasp and squeezing them gently. “I’m sorry you were alone.”
He nodded and looked away. Even though the sun had started to set, he’d kept his sunglasses on so she couldn’t read his emotions or see the fear he knew was in his eyes. She was too good for him, he thought, the way she was upset about him being alone even though he’d tossed her aside.
“It’s my own fault.”
“Yes, it is,” she said. “So you almost died and thought you needed someone to mourn you?”
“Nah. I almost died and I thought, Really, man, this is all you want out of life?” Faced with his own mortality, he’d acknowledged he wanted more than what he had. Yet he wasn’t too sure what he’d do with more if he got it.
The one thing he was sure of was that Alysse was the key to understanding that. She truly was the only woman he’d spent more than one night with. But he wasn’t about to tell her that. She was looking skeptical enough about his entire proposition.
“What answer did you find?” she asked.
“I haven’t. But the last time I was happy outside of the Corps was with you, so...”
“I can’t believe you,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re back here hoping for something.”
“That
is
what I said,” he reminded her gently.
She withdrew her hand from his.
He looked away and then pushed his hands through his hair. He’d rather face an entire unit of well-trained guerillas than this woman. The fact that he was still scared of her after all this time made him realize that there was more to Alysse than sex. He wanted more from her than physical pleasure, though that was still a big part of why he was here.
“I get that you are afraid to trust me, Alysse. I know that I don’t deserve the slightest kindness from you—”
“Don’t. Don’t say things like that because you make me want to feel sorry for you,” she said. “And that’s not right.”
He stepped toward her. “Let’s go. I need to get away from here. I feel exposed.”
She nodded. He saw her long hair blowing in the wind and he had the feeling that he’d said the wrong thing. But at this point there was nothing else he could say.
“I can’t...I’m not sure I can do much more tonight. I guess you can call me tomorrow,” she said backing away.
He knew he had to let her go. At least until he figured out what he wanted from her and for her, as well as how to have peace in the future.
But that wasn’t about to happen tonight. He knew better than that. “Can I give you a ride home?”
“No. I have my car,” she said. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Hey, I’m not about to let you treat this like some casual date. I want to know what you are feeling.”
“Feeling? I have no idea what I feel at this moment. I’m scared and nervous and excited. I don’t have any idea what will happen next and I’m not entirely sure that I’m not making a stupid decision because...well, because I never actually got over you, Jay.”
“That’s good,” he said, feeling more confident than he had since she’d arrived on the beach.
“I’m glad you think so. But you are here to sort out your life and I already have one. One that you didn’t want to be a part of.”
“We don’t know that. This second chance—”
“Is for you,” she said. “It’s not for me and I have to remember that. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
The very last thing he wanted was to hurt Alysse, but he wasn’t about to let his chance—his chance at...what?—go. He had no idea what she going to be to him, though his gut said she was his golden ticket and a man didn’t get too many of those.
“I get that,” he said. “Thanks for staying for dinner.”
“You’re welcome,” she replied, making ready to leave. Then he noticed the Sweet Dreams bakery box.
“Dessert!” he said. That was the excuse he’d used to get her down here and maybe now it would be reason enough for her to stay. He could only hope so.
“Dessert?” she asked.
“We haven’t had whatever you brought for us yet,” he said. “You can’t leave until we have dessert.”
With an almost sad look on her face, she pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head and he saw her pretty blue eyes. Saw the pain and fear she’d alluded to earlier and he knew he was a goner. He was never going to be able to make an unbiased decision where she was concerned.
He was alive but not well and he wanted to take care of himself and find out if he had any chance at life, a real life, but he wasn’t going to be able to put himself before her.
“Please,” he said at last, because any other words were beyond him.
She blinked and then nodded. “We have to get past this.”
“I know,” he said. “You’re afraid I’m going to hurt you and I’d rather die than do that.”
“You can’t be vulnerable to me,” she said slowly. “If you are...we will both lose.”
“This isn’t about winning,” he said, closing the gap between them and pulling her into his arms. “This is about...”
She tipped her head back and put her hands on his shoulders. Going up on tiptoe she leaned up and brushed her lips over his. Then she slowly opened her mouth and her tongue sneaked out to touch his and he melted.
He forgot that he didn’t want to screw this up and went with his gut. And his gut said this woman belonged in his arms. She belonged with him.
* * *
A
LYSSE
KNEW
SHE
’
D
MADE
a huge mistake by coming here. She’d already been in a “romantic” mood, thinking that this Marine was going to make a gesture that would win back his woman. Being the woman in question...well, a cupcake wasn’t enough, but sadly Jay was. He was the guy she’d been waiting for and now she found she was ready.
Her control of the kiss lasted briefly and then Jay’s hands were on her hips and he pulled her off balance and into him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and was overcome with an emotion that was embarrassing. She felt the sting of tears so abruptly she stopped the kiss and rested her head on his shoulder.
It had been too long. She took a deep shuddering breath. She refused to cry. But she couldn’t help it when he slid one hand up her back to her neck and rubbed her shoulders.
“Ah, Aly. I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too,” she admitted, the truth finally revealing itself. Jay wasn’t someone she could be casual about, as he’d said. If she couldn’t walk away now and not look back, she was never going to be able to do it.
She might want to pretend that she had some say over her emotions, but truthfully she didn’t, not where he was concerned.
He tipped her chin up, looking down at her with those big dark chocolate-brown eyes of his and he kissed her. His hands framed her face as his mouth moved over hers with the confidence and surety she remembered.
But then his tongue slid against hers and she stopped thinking. She just let her feelings take over. Shivers spread down her spine. Her breasts felt full and needy. She shifted her shoulders to rub against him and he moaned deep in his throat as he widened his stance so that his hips cradled hers.
She felt the nudge of his cock as he hardened and she moaned a little as he rubbed himself against her.
She was alive and nothing else mattered to her in that moment. Jay’s hands were under her shirt and sliding over her back. His big calloused hands caressed up and down her spine until she was arching against him, trying to get even closer.
He lifted her off her feet and took a few steps before sitting down on the closest chair. She straddled him and looked down at him, smiling.
“I want you,” he said. He took the tip of his finger and drew it down the center of her throat and then caressed the skin where her neck and throat met. It was a particularly sensitive spot for her and she shuddered with awareness.
“I can tell,” she said, rocking her hips over his
erection.
“I never could hide the way you make me feel,”
he said.
“I’m glad,” she said. She didn’t want to talk. If they did, she’d start thinking and worrying and she’d have to leave. And right now she was remembering that it had been a very long time since any man had touched her this way.
She leaned down, dropped nibbling kisses against his jaw, and slowly worked her way to his lips. When she met his mouth, he tunneled his fingers through her hair and tangled his tongue with hers. She shifted on his lap and knew she was close to climaxing.
She reached between them, running her hands over his chest encased in that black T-shirt. He was a fine-looking man, she thought. She reached for the hem of the shirt and lifted it up and over his head.
She sat on his thighs and looked down at the light smattering of hair on his chest. The muscles pulsed as she moved her touch over him.
She traced the line of hair that narrowed over his hard stomach before it disappeared into the waistband of his jeans where flesh met fabric. His stomach tightened and he let out a long, low breath.
“Damn, woman...”
“Like that?” she asked, feeling a heady sense of power over him. This was what she’d wanted. She needed to be in control.
“Love it.”
“Good,” she said, shifting on his lap to lean forward and kiss his chest. She kissed each pec and then used her tongue on his brown nipples. Gooseflesh spread down his body wherever she touched him.
His hands tightened on her waist and then he swept his hands up her back, taking off her shirt. He tossed it to the side and brought his hands around to her breasts. He cupped them and leaned into her.
She felt the arousing warmth of his breath on her skin before the brush of his lips. He kissed the scalloped edge of her lacy bra over one breast and then the other. She shuddered on his lap, fighting to control the sensations that threatened to overtake her.
He put his hands around her midriff and then brushed his thumbs up until he found the center of her nipple under the lacy fabric of her bra. Using his thumbs, he stroked back and forth and she found his mouth.
His tongue sucked hers strongly, and again she shuddered. Frustrated by her jeans and his, she wished they were both naked. She needed more from him and she needed it now.
She reached for his zipper, but he stopped her. “Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“I want this to last.”
“I don’t think I can wait,” she confessed. She was on the edge of coming just from this little bit of temptation and she didn’t want to draw it out. She wanted to take her orgasm now.
“It will be worth your while,” he said.
She smiled. The sound of his words affected her as much as his touch did. He unhooked her bra with a quick flick of his wrist. The cups stayed in place on her breasts and she saw him glance down at her.
She felt his cock twitch against her, and knew the sight of her breasts had turned him on. She reached behind her to brace her hands on the table so she could lean back and give him a better view.
“Aly, you are gorgeous,” he said, his words low, husky.
“Am I?”
“Hell, yeah. I’m almost afraid to touch you. Afraid to let you touch me because I’ll wake up and find out this is just another fantasy.”
His words were penetrating. She didn’t want to find out this wasn’t real either. And she needed this night. The fantasy of Jay and this moment.
She brought her hand up and covered his lips with her fingers. “Don’t talk. Just make love to me, Jay. Make me forget everything but this.”
He put both hands over her breasts and slowly peeled back the lacy cups. He stopped when the areole of her left breast was revealed and leaned in to tongue the fabric out of the way. He teased it with his mouth and then slowly closed his lips around her nipple.
Alysse felt her arms tremble and then a minute later, Jay’s arm was around her to support her while he pleasured her. She slowly slipped a hand to touch him while he continued to caress her breasts.
She undid the button at the top of his jeans and gradually lowered the zipper, caressing him through the barrier of his boxers. He shifted his hips and she gripped his cock. It was hot and hard and she slid her hand up and down its length until his hips bucked forward and a drop of moisture was at her fingertip. She rubbed it over the head of his cock and then stroked him again.