Authors: Ginger Solomon
One Choice (19 page)
“What are you doing?” Josiah watched Cahri stare down the hallway, the desperate need to escape written on her face. Did she hate him so much?
“Thinking.”
“About leaving?”
“Yes.”
He gritted his teeth together as her answer stabbed his heart, much like he imagined his words had penetrated her heart yesterday. “Are you serious about walking away from our marriage?”
“Why should I stay?”
Josiah didn't answer for a moment. What could he say that would make her want to stay? He closed his eyes and prayed. He knew what he had to do.
“Close the door and come sit with me. I will tell you a story. If, when I'm done, you want to leave, I will let you go.”
Doubt appeared in her eyes, but she shrugged and climbed onto the bed beside him, though still as far from him as she could be.
He took a deep breath. “Several years ago I was engaged. Her name was Remalyn. We had been seeing each other for over a year. Two months before the wedding, I heard some disturbing rumors from trusted servants and even friends. I decided to find out for sure.” He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. How could he explain his actions, and hers?
“The cameras were due to be installed soon, so I had the install date moved up, with the permission of my father, to a time when she visited with her family on the other side of the island. When the install was complete and she'd returned, I told her I had to be away for a few days. I stayed in the security area â a place I knew she'd never go â and watched her.” He swallowed, remembering the horror.
“After two days of watching her, I almost gave up, but then I noticed her hanging on another man as they walked down the hall. They went to the other side of the palace. A place used when groups of dignitaries arrive and not yet in the realm of the cameras.” He shook his head. He'd never wanted to remember the blow his heart had taken at her betrayal.
“I followed and found them in bed together, a confirmation of the rumor. She begged and pleaded for a second chance, but I walked away. I couldn't even look at her. She'd pretended to care for me. As I left⦔ He closed his eyes, picturing her face as though it had happened mere moments ago. “As I left, she informed me she had never loved me, and she was pregnant with another man's child.”
A slight gasp from Cahri assured him she was listening.
“I went to my father with the information. I was not in a position of authority then. Jonathan was still alive and the rightful heir. My father had both Remalyn and my former friend exiled without a fuss to save me some embarrassment â after we'd canceled the wedding, of course.
“Since then, I have had a hard time trusting women. Remalyn agreed to marry me because her family had money issues â though I didn't know it at the time â and because she wanted the title of princess. She didn't have any hope of being queen. Jonathan disliked her and would have nothing to do with her, though she tried, or so he told me later. I believed her lies, and when I saw you with Paul, it was like living it all over again.”
“I'm sorry,” Cahri whispered, “but I'm not her.” Her hands crushed the comforter then smoothed it out again.
“I know you're not, and I'm sorry I accused you of being like her, but when I saw you hugging and kissing Paul, something inside of me snapped. I couldn't see or hear the truth.” He grasped her hand in his. “Please don't take this the wrong way, but I do have to know.” He paused then whispered, “Have you ever
been
with a man?”
She glanced up, shock evident in her eyes. Their gazes locked. “No, I haven't. I hadn't even kissed anyone until you.” She blushed and severed eye contact.
He could tell she spoke the truth, but he still struggled with trusting her.
He squeezed her hand.
She glanced back at him.
“Thank you. Thank you for being what I thought you were to begin with, for saving yourself for me. It is a gift I will never take for granted.
You
are a gift.” He paused. He wanted to declare his love, but he didn't think she was ready to hear it. Not after what he'd said earlier. Manipulation was not his style, and to say those words right now would reek of it.
He continued to hold her hand, but couldn't look at her for his next question. He swallowed. “Do you still want to leave?”
She pulled her hand away.
Oh God, she still wants to leave. Help me.
“I understand.” Tears stung his eyes and his lip quivered. What would he do without her? “I will have Anaya make arrangements for a flight to wherever you want to go. We will still be married, but you are free to leave.” He bit his lip. His throat tightened, but he continued with what he wanted to say. “I'd appreciate it if you left now. Someone will bring your things to you later.” He stared at the picture of his parents, clinching his teeth together to keep from losing control. He'd never before experienced such defeat. The desire to lie down, go to sleep, and never awaken overwhelmed him.
He'd failed.
****
Cahri's hand was enveloped in Josiah's tender grasp.
Secure. Protected. Loved. These words flitted through her mind when in his presence, even after his harsh words.
Then he asked it â the one question she knew he would ask. “Do you still want to leave?” He'd said it in such a soft voice, she wasn't sure she'd heard him right. But she knew.
She pulled her hand from his to caress his cheek, wanting to see his eyes. She froze when he started talking again. He blinked. Sadness marred his handsome features.
Leaving was open to her. He'd said so. But she loved him and wanted to be with him despite the hurt he'd caused her. Forgiving him wouldn't be easy, but she had to do it. It would eat at her for the rest of her life if she didn't. He held part of her heart, and that portion would die without him.
“Josiah?”
He didn't respond.
She scooted closer and swallowed. “May I touch you?”
Again, no response.
She inhaled and touched his cheek.
He didn't move.
Her hand trembled.
“I didn't pull away because I wanted to leave. I wanted you to look at me.” She guided his face in her direction. His eyes were closed. “Please open your eyes.”
When he opened them, his pain radiated straight to her heart. The wall she'd built crumbled. She wanted to wipe away the misery she saw in his eyes, but it would take time. Just as it would take time to wipe away her hurt. A tear slid down his cheek. She watched him blink again and again in an effort to stem the flow.
The love she had for this man welled up within her. He had such a tender heart and a willingness to let her go at the expense of his own hopes and dreams. She wiped his tears.
She inhaled. Her heart thumped in her chest. Could she tell him she loved him? Should she? She hadn't said the words, but he had to know, right? She swallowed.
“Oh, Josiah.” She kissed his cheeks, catching the last of his tears. “I don't want to leave. I want to be your wife. The things you said hurt, but what stung worse was you telling me you never wanted to see me again. It hurt so much because I want to be with you, to understand when we have misunderstandings, to forgive what needs forgiven, to do things which please you.” A tear slipped from her eye. She stared at the sheers flapping in the breeze in an effort to regain control.
He cupped her chin in his hand, and caressed her cheek with his thumb. The tear disappeared.
She inhaled and closed her eyes, overwhelmed by his touch. She'd thought never to experience it again.
He turned her face toward his. She opened her eyes.
“You
want
to stay?”
She nodded, never taking her eyes off his as hope sparked anew.
“Will you put the ring back on?”
“Not yet.” She still ached. His words from yesterday echoed in her mind. Replaying them again would gain her nothing. “Do you believe me now? Do you want me to be your wife?” Her words were just above a whisper. Vulnerable was not how she would describe herself on any other day, but it was how she felt at the moment. He could hurt her again with a single negative response.
“Oh, my sweet. I do believe you. I'm sorry I wouldn't listen before.”
He paused.
She gulped.
“Yes, I want you to be my wife, more than ever before.” He believed her and wanted her.
She closed her eyes, relishing his words.
He pulled her closer and she let him. She wanted to be so close to him. When he didn't kiss her, she opened her eyes and held her breath at the desire she recognized as he gazed at her face. She leaned in and touched her lips to his. It sent a shock through her body. She wanted more and moved closer for another kiss.
He removed the pins holding her bun. His hands and fingers weaved through her hair and down her back. They stopped at her waist.
Their gazes intersected and held for a long time, when a knock sounded on the door. Josiah groaned.
“What is it?” he yelled without releasing Cahri.
“Josiah? May I come in?” The queen.
“Just a minute.” He pulled Cahri closer again and kissed her as though desperate to take more of her. “When I've recovered and our formal wedding is over, I'm taking you on an extended honeymoon, so I can have you all to myself, with
no
interruptions.” He released her. “Off with you.”
She gazed at him. What was he thinking?
“Is it okay if I take a shower?”
He nodded.
Touching her lips, she slipped into the bathroom. They were swollen and still tingled from his ardent kisses. She licked them and tasted him again. A shiver ran through her whole body as she twisted the faucet. Waiting for the water to heat, she thought about the last twenty-four hours.
She needed to forgive him and put the ring back on. The water ran over her head as she asked God to help her. She prayed until the water turned cold, and her skin wrinkled.
Getting out of the shower, she got dressed and dried her hair. Her prayer reaffirmed what she already knew. Forgiveness was not based on feelings â it was a decision. She prayed the whole time, knowing what was required of her. The heaviness in her heart lifted, and supernatural peace descended.
When she walked out of the bathroom, the king was in the room. Heat flooded her face, but she didn't know why. She deviated toward the sitting room door, trying to leave without them knowing she had even entered.
“Cahri, come. We are done. I was on my way out,” the king said.
When he was gone, she went to her dresser and opened the box. The intensity of the prince's eyes on her back made her tremble. She twisted around with the ring, and walked toward him.
Cahri move toward Josiah with his
grand-mere's
ring cradled in her hand. An overwhelming love filled his being, until she paused.
What was she thinking? Doubt flickered across her face.
His stomach knotted.
“Will you put it on this time?” Her voice quivered.
Tears burned his eyes.
She forgives me.
He took the ring from her and slid it in place with a gentle touch, then lifted her hand and kissed every finger, praising God for her and thanking Him every time his lips touched her skin.
“I forgive you, Josiah, my prince, my husband.”
Thank you, God. She forgives me.
****
“Come, lay beside me? These last few days have not been how I wanted our marriage to begin. I want so much more for us.” Josiah's voice was soft, and full of humility. Cahri watched a rare moment of indecision flash across his face. What was he thinking?
“Can we start over, maybe just be friends first? We don't know much about each other, and yet we find ourselves entwined in marriage. I'm attracted to you, but I want to get to know you first. Right now I just want to hold you and take a nap.”
She waited. Did he have more to say? He reached out and touched her cheek then ran his hand down her arm. Chill bumps appeared on her arms as she shivered. His touch was so gentle and intimate somehow.
He pulled her hand to his lips. She shivered again. He peered at her. His eyes told her how much he wanted her, and how much of his desire he controlled.
“You are beautiful, my wife,” he whispered.
Her neck and then her face heated up.
“Will you lay down with me?” he murmured over her hand. The huskiness of his voice melted her heart. She watched his eyes darken as he curled and uncurled her hair around his fingers.
When she had climbed onto the bed and lain down, he tugged her backward until they touched. Her heart thudded in her chest. He began caressing her hair again. Her body relaxed. She loved to have her hair combed, brushed, or just played with. He leaned forward and inhaled.
“Are you comfortable?” His breath tickled her ear.
She murmured an affirmative.
He moved her hair and kissed the back of her neck. She snuggled closer. Forgiveness would be easier than she thought. God made what seemed impossible hours ago possible. Her heart skipped a beat when his teeth nibbled her ear. Heat coursed through her body.
“Friends first?” Her whispered question stilled his kisses.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Your beauty makes me forget everything except being with you. I'll try to be still.”
She woke up almost two hours later in the same position, embraced by the prince. True to his word, he had remained still. She inhaled with deliberate slowness.
“Are you awake?”
“Yes.” She didn't move because she enjoyed being in his arms⦠a lot, just as she enjoyed being in his arms when they'd danced. It seemed so long ago, but the banquet had been last week.
He leaned back and started playing with her hair. He pressed forward again and kissed her neck. It gave her the chills. He chuckled and kissed her again.
“Turn over, my princess,” he murmured. “I want to kiss more than your neck.”
She obeyed. She wanted to be kissed by this man.
His eyes smoldered with contained desire. A tremble spiraled through her body, not from fear, but from a passion inside of her she didn't even know existed. He reached behind her and ran his fingers through her hair again, shifting his eyes to watch the movement of his own hand.
“So beautiful. I knew it would be.” His fingers caught on a knot, which he worked out a little at a time. The entire time he caressed her hair she watched the wonder on his face. He did like her hair. Amazing.
He glanced back at her face and touched her cheek. “So beautiful.” He touched his lips to hers. So soft, so warm, so tender. “Cahri, my princess, my wife. Please be patient with me when I get jealous.” Another kiss with a light touch demanded nothing in return.
“I think I am going to enjoy being your husband.” His lips and then his breath on her cheek made her heart flutter.
She lifted her hand and touched his cheek. He closed his eyes, and she leaned forward and kissed each of them. He opened them and their gazes locked.
Her fingers nestled into his hair, closing her eyes as she enjoyed touching him. His soft, brown locks with just a touch of curl at the end wrapped themselves around her fingers. When she opened her eyes, his were closed. She leaned forward and kissed his lips. She started to pull back, but he held her in place with his hand on her neck.
He opened his eyes. Dark chocolate. They seemed bottomless, sucking her in. He pulled her closer and kissed her. Lights started dancing behind her eyes; sensations she had never felt before assailed her body. It was exciting and at the same time overwhelming. She was unable to pull back, not because he held her in place, but because the kiss pulled her in further and further. His hand started caressing her hair again. It added to her euphoria.
He made a sound, and she realized the direction of their actions. She wasn't ready. She moved away, a sudden need for space filling her.
“Would you like a drink? I find I need a drink. Wow, look at the time. I slept longer than I thought.” Her hands trembled. She walked around the room, moving from one piece of furniture to another, straightening things that didn't need to be straightened. He watched her.
“Stop,” she said.
“Stop what?”
“Watching me.” She moved into the bathroom for her brush and yanked it through her hair. He still watched her.
“Would you like me to brush your hair?” he asked. His voice sounded normal as though nothing at all had just happened between them.
What had happened? They'd kissed. That was all. Why had it affected her so much? What did it mean? She stopped and gazed into the mirror. Her face was flushed. She enjoyed his kisses. Why had she left him? She shook her head at her own cowardice. He hadn't asked anything of her she hadn't been willing to give. Foolish girl.
She walked to the bed and helped him sit up. He took a sudden breath.
Removing her hands from his sides, she stared at the floor. Guilt stabbed her. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry.”
He touched her hair. “Shhhh. It's okay. I'm fine. It was just a moment of pain.” He tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace.
She stared at him. “You've asked me not to lie to you, please do me the same honor and don't lie to me. I can tell it hurt and still does.” She twisted away, but he reached out and grabbed her arm.
“I'm sorry. You're right. I just didn't want you to feel guilty. It's already starting to fade though. Please, don't leave. Let me brush your hair.” He whispered the last sentence, almost as though he wanted just to be able to touch some part of her. She handed him the brush and climbed up on the bed beside him. He worked on the knots with an unexpected tenderness. She sighed with contentment. His hands in her hair made her want to be closer to him.
He pushed her hair over her shoulder and started rubbing her back.
“Mmm. Feels good.”
After a few minutes, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer, grunting. He maneuvered her so she could lean against him. She tried to be careful not to bang into his leg or hurt his ribs.
He pulled her back, so she would lean on him.
She tensed.
“Relax,” he murmured in her ear.
“I don't want to hurt you.”
“You won't. I'll adjust you if I need to so you're not hurting me. I want to hold you and get to know you at the same time.”
His arms around her waist engulfed her in safety, but his breath on her neck unsettled her. She loved his warmth on her back, and she nestled just a little closer and relaxed.
“Tell me about your family. Besides Paul, are there any other brothers and sisters?”
“No, just Paul and I.”
“Where are your parents?”
She stiffened.
He squeezed her then relaxed again. “You don't have to tell me.”
“It's okay. They died three years ago.” She paused, thinking about them. “I still miss my mom a lot. My dad too.”
He hugged her tight and remained quiet for a few minutes, seeming to sense her need for silence. He pressed a light kiss on her neck.
She mumbled and tilted her head.
“Are you sure?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
He kissed her neck again. She shivered. His lips caressed her ear. The desire to kiss him overcame her and she twisted just enough so their lips met. It was both sweet and sensual at the same time. She deepened the kiss, wanting more. He pulled back and gazed at her.
He stroked her cheek, “You are so beautiful and I love kissing you, but I don't want to go where this is heading yet. I want for us to get to know one another, become friends before we become lovers. The longer I kiss you and touch you, the harder it gets.” He paused and took a deep breath, staring at his dresser. “Don't look at me like that.”
She shifted her gaze from his face, hurt. How could she not do it again, when she didn't know what it was she'd done in the first place?
He touched her chin and she lifted her eyes to his, allowing him to see her hurt.
“You didn't do anything wrong, my wife. Your desire shines in your eyes, and I find it so hard to resist. We are pulled toward one another physically, but I want us to connect spiritually and emotionally first, okay? I'm not rejecting you. I want to know all of you, not just your body. Turn back around. I will try to control myself.”
His words relieved the momentary pain. Was she being too sensitive?