ON AIR (6 page)

“Kids aren’t for me,” I stated. “Not right now.”

“So…a good woman, though? One you can come home to every night? Connect with on all levels?” He paused. “Trust?”

A loud sigh released from me, louder than I’d expected.

“You gotta let it go, Dane. Other people’s actions are not your fault. You can’t live your life based on the fuckups of other people.”

“Yeah, I know. And really, probably not a good time to talk about that right now.”

“No? Then when?”

Knowing that Darius was one of only two people who knew a huge secret in my life turned the conversation sour. Maybe I did want to talk about it, but I was afraid of what I’d say.

“I think if I just let all of that go, the memory will fade away and won’t even be there anymore. The past is the past.”

“Oh is that your logic for that?” Darius basically mocked. “Well good luck with that because pretending something didn’t happen isn’t the way to get over it. Especially when you still use it as an excuse to not get close to anyone.”

I shook my head in defiance, but didn’t disagree with words. Because I couldn’t. I knew he was right. And if I’d been sitting here with Madden, he would have said the same damn thing.

“I just want someone who makes me happy and doesn’t play games, and who I can trust and count on. I would give her ten times that in return.”

Darius nodded, ignoring the asshat who was barking at him for some whiskey. “I know you would, man. So don’t settle.”

“Don’t settle? You’re the one all concerned about my on-and-off with Natalie.
That
would be settling. She’s not the right girl for me.”

“Why not?”

I didn’t answer. Not because I didn’t know, but because I didn’t want to discuss it. I was glad Darius left to help the fuckwad without manners, so I also left the bar to find Madden. I felt like my timeout had been sufficient enough and sat down to watch the rest of the game.

“You good, man?” he casually asked after a minute. I knew he wouldn’t make things weird, so I just nodded my response. “You missed a laughable strikeout. Seriously, dude needs traded.”

I gladly moved into baseball talk with him and the others for the next hour. Until I received a text from Holly, asking what I was up to. I stared at my phone for a minute, debating if I should text her back. I told myself I should, but decided to forget it.

I didn’t have time for fickle women.

8

I
’m not really sure what the hell happened with Natalie the other night. If I wasn’t mistaken, I felt like she deliberately picked a fight with me at the bar. Maybe she took the sweatshirt ordeal a little hard, but how was that my fault?

I was at work Wednesday when she dropped by unexpectedly. She walked right into my office and tossed something on one of the chairs at the worktable.

“Happy?” she asked, a bitchy scowl on her face. She folded her arms over her chest and stared at me.

I stood because I couldn’t exactly see what she’d delivered since my computer blocked the view. The second I saw navy blue and gray, I knew it was my Mariners sweatshirt.

“Sure, extremely happy,” I muttered, walking around my desk to pick it up. I didn’t even have to bring it close to my face to know it smelled like her, I could already smell strawberries and vanilla. “Thanks.”

She didn’t respond but remained standing where she was. I knew Natalie well, and her attitude right now was a reflection of something else. Thinking back to what Darius and I had talked about, I decided not to be such an insensitive asshole this time.

Draping the sweatshirt neatly over the chair, I approached Nat and gave her a hug. She was completely rigid when I did, still with her arms folded across herself in defiance. But awkward position and all, I continued to hold her anyway until she dropped her arms and eventually slid them around my waist.

I’m really not sure how it all evolved, but I ended up with a beautiful, feisty woman who was now crying against my shoulder. It shocked me, to be honest. I didn’t think I had ever seen Natalie cry. I didn’t even know what to say at the moment, but I had a good minute to think about the last few weeks and her behavior toward me.

“What’s going on, Nat?” I finally asked, trying to keep my voice soft and steady. I was kind of struggling with my reaction because I initially wanted to be growling and shit, and make her tell me what the fuck was going on. I considered myself to be a fairly sensitive guy, but I didn’t always know how to be “tender.”

She continued to cry for another minute but it seemed to taper off. I just kept holding her, and was now stroking the back of her head hoping it was helping and not hindering.

Finally I had to pull back to look at her face. Her eyes immediately darted to the floor, and that’s when the really uneasy feeling hit my stomach.

“Natalie.” My voice was firm because she needed to talk to me, but I was a bit unsure of my own self right now. I’d never seen her like this, so I had nothing to compare it to in order to discern her actions.

“I can’t, Dane,” she finally whispered as she carefully swiped her eyes with her fingers. “I can’t right now.”

“What the fuck do you mean you can’t?” Okay, so my calm was finally being hijacked by my panic. “Natalie, tell me what is going on with you.”

She exhaled a heavy sigh. “I needed that, I guess.”

If she was referring to soaking my shirt with her tears, I had no objections. But since she wouldn’t tell me why, then I had plenty to say. However, knowing my history with her, I knew if she didn’t want to budge then she didn’t want to budge. We’d only end up arguing and I didn’t want it to get to that point again.

I left her to shut down my computer and gather my things. I grabbed my bag and put my hand on Nat’s back to lead her to the door. “You’re coming home with me.”

Surprisingly, she didn’t object. I saw her car in the parking lot but left it there to put her in my truck. The drive home was a silent one, but that tended to be Natalie’s character sometimes anyway. She wasn’t really one to talk a lot, and she especially didn’t talk if she didn’t feel like it. I always liked that about her.

I dropped my shit on the kitchen table and led Nat straight through my bedroom into the bathroom. She didn’t utter a peep when I stripped us both naked and pulled her into a steaming shower with me. It wasn’t even anything sexual because she just wrapped her arms around my neck and stood there with me in the hot water.

For a minute, at least. Her fingers on my skin and her naked body against me was a turn on, and when she felt my obvious reaction to her, she slipped a hand down between us and stroked my cock purposefully. Pretty soon my lips were on her mouth and my tongue was against hers, and then her leg was wrapped around me and I was balls deep inside her.

Like I said before, sex with Natalie was usually pretty rough. We normally did the deed, made sure both got off, and that was that. But there was something different about this time. I’m not sure if I was gentler because of her breakdown earlier or if she was the one who set the tone, but I went slower, and because of that, I was somehow focused on all the details between us. Like how her fingers were gripped against my skin, but more for security instead of forcing me to thrust. And how far I’d slide out of her before I’d go deep. For some reason I was hyperaware of her slick walls squeezing against my dick and how fucking good that felt.

I could tell she was getting close. Listening to her sounds usually directed me pretty well at this point, and when her arms slid around my neck for support, I continued my angle until she came. When I was sure she was content, I made quick use of the timing, pulling out to let myself release all over her stomach.

And for some odd reason, my first thought was that she and I were doing this same thing in my bed two weeks ago. I hadn’t been with anyone else in between that time either, but that was usually the case.

I shut those thoughts down as we rinsed off. Normally we’d clean up, get dressed, and one of us was out the door not too long after. This time I made the mistake of watching Nat for a minute as she dried off and pulled her panties on. She seemed so…melancholy. I wasn’t used to this kind of silence. It made me miss her off-the-wall humor after sex. I wanted her to smile and wink, and say something about “fuck-and-duck”, or joke about how long it took me to get her off.

I suppose I could man up, though. I wasn’t completely heartless and insensitive. In fact, I was probably the opposite, which was what left me so upside down with Natalie. I had my instincts, but her actions usually derailed me from acting on them first.

I grabbed a t-shirt from my dresser drawer and slipped it over her head. I couldn’t read the expression on her face, but her eyes were taking me in seconds after and we just stared at one another.

Finally I led her into my room and threw back the covers on my bed for her. She climbed right in, and after throwing on a pair of shorts, I slid in behind her and pulled her backside against me. I gathered her damp hair and placed it above us on her pillow.

It was only a Wednesday, but I must have been extremely tired to fall asleep at six in the evening. And when I woke up, it was because Natalie was in the bathroom collecting her clothes. The clock read
8:34
. Two-and-a-half hours in my bed was two hours longer than she’d ever remained there, but I didn’t feel like that was good enough this time.

I pulled on a shirt and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. When she came out of the bathroom fully dressed, I said, “Stay. I’m gonna order Chinese.”

She gave me a dubious gaze and bit her lip when she glanced away.

“It’s not anything you should be thinking too hard about, Natalie. Just stay.”

I left the bedroom, wondering if that had been as directive as I’d intended, or just rude. I wanted her to stay, but in order for me to stop being a hypocrite by over thinking the situation as well, I picked up the phone and ordered some food.

Natalie ended up on the couch and flipped on the television. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw her there. It was probably a couple of years ago for a fight night, but other people were at my house too. I just wasn’t used to seeing her
in
my environment, my space, my comfort zone. It made me second-guess Madden’s whole “fuck buddy” opinion, and the more I thought about it, the more it unnerved me.

She’d always been more to me than that and I knew it.

“Get your shoes back off,” I said, pointing to her ankle boots as I sat down next to her. “Relax. Get comfortable.”

I wasn’t sure if she was ever going to talk again. She hadn’t said a word since a brief “thank you” when I held the door to my house for her as we entered. But she kicked off her shoes, almost hesitantly, and let out a sigh.

“You don’t have to indulge me, Dane.”

I knew I didn’t have to either. But whatever happened in my office earlier was still nagging me. Big time. I wanted to bring it up again—I wanted her to tell me what the hell was going on because I hated obscurity—but maybe I didn’t deserve to be that role in her life right now.

“Maybe you don’t have a choice,” I answered smugly.

She barely cracked a smile. “I’m a big girl, but I’m sorry I lost my shit and unloaded on you earlier. I didn’t mean to.”

I studied her for a few seconds. Her appearance was obviously a bit doused right now. She’d shed a bunch of tears, taken a shower, and slept for a couple of hours. But even after all of that, I think it made her more beautiful than ever. She could dress herself up to go out and be all glammed up, but this side of Natalie Denman was different and felt more approachable. She could still throw her nastiest Bronx attitude at me all she wanted, but that would only make it better.

Right now, messy hair and all, she’d risen to a perfect 10 on my scale.

“First of all, you don’t have anything to apologize for,” I said. “And second, you unloaded jack shit on me, beautiful. You didn’t leave me with a damn thing except your tears.”

The crease between her brows deepened. I was expecting her to come back with something sassy, but she didn’t. Maybe pushing her into sharing wasn’t the route to go. It felt stupid to think she needed some time to learn to trust me since I felt she’d always been able to, but perhaps that wasn’t my call to make.

The television was on a commercial, so I grabbed the remote and found a movie. I’d never spent time with Natalie after having sex so this was uncommon behavior for me, but I grabbed the throw blanket from the other couch and used it to cuddle up with—Natalie included. I put my arm around her and scooted her closer until she eventually laid her head against me.

We watched
The Lord of the Rings
for the next few hours, and during that time, I avoided two texts from Holly. Yes, two. One asked if I was okay—I guess because I never responded to her other one—and the other asked me to give her a call.

Sorry, but not really. I tried all week to get together with her, and after thinking back on it, I’d been extremely accommodating with my time and schedule. It’d been
she
who had different things going on or reasons my ideas wouldn’t work out.

I didn’t care anymore.

When midnight hit, I made Natalie go back to bed with me. She didn’t resist, and didn’t make any comments about the changes in our routine.

I had no idea what to think of that.