On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk

ON A SCALE FROM
IDIOT TO
COMPLETE JERK

A Highly Scientific Study
           of Annoying Behavior
                   Science Project by J.J. Murphy*

*with
Alison Hughes

Copyright © 2014 Alison Hughes

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording or by any information storage and retrieval system now known
or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Hughes, Alison, 1966-, author
On a scale from idiot to complete jerk / Alison Hughes.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN
978-1-4598-0484-5 (pbk.).--
ISBN
978-1-4598-0485-2 (pdf).-
ISBN
978-1-4598-0486-9 (epub)

I. Title.

PS
8615.
U
3165O5 2014           j
C
813'.6           
C
2013-906648-9
C
2013-906649-7

First published in the United States, 2014
Library of Congress Control Number
: 2013954114

Summary
: J.J.'s science report has everything: graphs, charts, case studies,
a quiz and the best subject matter of all time—jerks (and a few idiots).

Orca Book Publishers gratefully acknowledges the support for its publishing
programs provided by the following agencies: the Government of Canada through
the Canada Book Fund and the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Province of British
Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.

Design and illustrations by Jenn Playford
Cover image by Dreamstime; Cover illustrations by Jenn Playford
Author photo by Barbara Heintzman

www.orcabook.com

17 16 15 14 • 4 3 2 1

To M, for everything.
And to Gig, for somehow making us love him
despite being a bit of a jerk.

On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk
A Highly Scientific Study of Annoying Behavior
Science Project by
J.J. Murphy

CONTENTS

Chapter 1:
The Dawn of the Jerk

Chapter 2:
A Long History of Jerks

Chapter 3:
Organization, the Sciencey Way, Lame Definitions and the First Two of Many Scientific Illustrations

A) Organization

B) The Sciencey Way

C) Lame Definitions

1) Scientific Illustration #1: The Phases of a Jerk's Behavior

D) A Jerk by Any Other Name: A Note on Language

E) A Truly Scientific Analysis

1) Scientific Illustration #2: On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk

Chapter 4:
Can Young Children Be Jerks?

A) Case Study #1: The Cranky Toddlers and the Big Plastic Car

B) Case Study #2: Mayhem in the Mudroom

1) Scientific Illustration #3: The Path to Complete Jerkdom

Chapter 5:
Can Really, Really Old People Be Jerks?

A) Case Study #3: The Nursing Home Manly Man

Chapter 6:
Jerks in the Family

A) Case Study #4: Rebecca's Confusing and Alarming Family

1) Scientific Illustration #4: Rebecca's Family Tree

Chapter 7:
Jerks in Sports

A) Players

B) Coaches

C) Fans

1) Case Study #5: The Fan Who Cost Us the Game

D) Referees

Chapter 8:
Jerks in a Crisis

A) Case Study #6: The Fire-Drill Drama

B) Case Study #7: Sanjiv's Hideous Injury

Chapter 9:
Jerks at School

A) Students

1) Case Study #8: The Arc of Jerkish Behavior

(a) Scientific Illustration #5: Bell Graph of a Jerk

2) Case Study #9: Graphing Solo Jerks and Groups of Jerks

(a) Scientific Illustration #6: Graphing How Jerks Respond to Jerkish Events

(b) Scientific Illustration #7: Quadrants of Jerkish Behavior

B) Teachers and Principals

1) Teachers

(a) Scientific Illustration #8: Rating Annoying Teacher Behavior

2) Principals

Chapter 10:
Miscellaneous Jerks

A) Nurses

B) Doctors and Dentists

C) Bus Drivers

D) Store Clerks

E) Neighbors

F) Servers

G) Internet Trolls

Chapter 11:
Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk?

A) Case Study #10: Interview with a Former Jerk (My Uncle Dave)

Chapter 12:
Can Animals Be Jerks?

A) Pets

1) Case Study #11: The Flyer-Route Monster

2) Case Study #12: The Four-Pound Ankle-Biter

3) Case Study #13: The Night Screamer

B) Wild Animals

1) Case Study #14: The Garbage Thieves

Chapter 13:
You Be the Jerk!

Chapter 14:
Drawing Some Conclusions (and a Cool Pie Chart)

Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One

CHAPTER 1
The Dawn of the Jerk

Imagine a very different world, billions of years ago. Okay, probably more like millions. Millions of years ago, nothing was as we now know it. There were no buildings, cars, airplanes, roads or electric lights. There was no pizza, and even if there had been, there were no ovens to cook it in. There were no wheels, paper, clothes or shoes, let alone computers,
TV
s or cell phones. There were no science projects, because there was no science class (or schools or grades or paper).

Earth was a wild, creepy place. There were oceans practically everywhere, and only one big, really weird-looking piece of land. Roaring volcanoes spewed lava and fossilized all the things that died. Monster birdlike thingies screeched and soared over the vast ocean and the forests of enormous ferns. Strange animals scrabbled out a living on land. It was a tough life, one where a creature didn't know if it would be alive that night to sleep with one eye open for predators. The animals with flattish teeth grazed on plants. Those with pointy teeth ate the plant grazers. It was all pretty logical.

But all of a sudden one millennium, strange humanlike animals appeared, loping gorilla-style on all fours. These animals were pretty smart compared to the bacteria and algae that came before them. They started grunting at each other, using rocks for tools, and drawing on cave walls. And instead of all the humanlike things fending for themselves, they figured in their smallish, flat heads,
Hey, if we all stick together,
we'll be harder to kill
. And they were.

Problem time. Even if you don't become some prehistoric monster's lunch, living together sometimes sucks. Because not all people, even those early, grunting, ape-walking humans, are nice. Newly discovered cave scratchings show us this. (They can't really be called drawings because they're pretty bad. Think of your two-year-old cousin holding up a paper and screaming, “IT'S A CAT!” which you would never have figured out
ever
without her telling you.)

These cave scratchings were found in a cave, obviously, in remote Bmugwanaland in June of this year. All the best cave-scratch experts say they tell an important story, rather than just being random doodles by a bored early human stuck in the cave on a long rainy day.

It's been in all the papers. Here's a bit from one of the articles:

The recent discovery in the Bmugwanaland caves of
Central Africa continues to provoke discussion and debate
among scientists.

“Yes, yes, they may look like the rudimentary
scratchings of a demented two-year-old,” said an irritated
Professor Basil Worthington-Smythe, lead archaeologist of
the scientific expedition.

“But,” he added, “they very likely were scratched by an
adolescent early human, possibly twelve to fourteen years
old. And they clearly, unmistakably, paint a picture of a
crucially important historical event.”