Olivia’s Luck (2000) (40 page)

“So we have,” he muttered as he raced past me and on up the stairs. “Well done, Liwy. You’re thinking on your feet.”

“But, Hugh, why don’t you leave him? Don’t wake him up, I’ll – ”

But he’d gone, and two seconds later was racing back down with a sleeping bundle, wrapped in a duvet, in his arms.

“Hugh, why don’t I stay? Or take him back to my house?” I urged. “He can stay with me.”

“No, no,” he insisted, dashing past me, “family occasion.” He stopped, turned back. “In years to come, Liwy, this chap will be able to say that he attended his sibling’s birth, and how many boys can say that, eh?” He leant forward confidentially. “And don’t tell Molly,” he whispered, “but I’ve got the video camera packed in her case. Thought I’d surprise her, thought we could all be in it, you know,
en famille
, but I’ll be down at the sharp end, of course, getting the
moment critique
as she pushes it out, doing a bit of a David Attenborough commentary. Won’t she be surprised?” he grinned.

“Oh, Hugh, I’m not so sure she’ll – ”

“Won’t she just love it? And we can play it every year on his birthday!” He turned and ran. “Bye, all. Just put the dogs out for five minutes, then slam the front door behind you as you leave!”

We watched as he ran off down the path, bundled Henry in the car – no question of strapping him in, of course, or his wife come to that – and then with a throaty old roar of the engine they were away. I saw two cigarettes burning in the night sky as they sped off, shrieking with laughter. Very close. Very happy. Very Molly and Hugh.

Sebastian and I stood and waved until they were out of sight. All was quiet for a moment. Then Sebastian voiced what I was thinking.

“I envy them,” he sighed.

I nodded. “Me too.”

There was a pause. I shook myself. “Come on, let’s clear up, see to the dogs and get out of here.”

Much of the drive home was spent in companionable silence. I think we were both exhausted by the events of the last few hours and also, pleasantly mellow, and somewhat lost in our thoughts. At length though, Sebastian chuckled.

“What?” I turned, smiling.

He shook his head. “Just – that pair. What a riot.”

“I know,” I smiled, pleased to have introduced him to a riot. My riotous assembly. I snuggled down happily in my seat.

After a bit, he pulled up in front of my house. “Here we are, then.”

I turned. Took a deep breath. This was my moment. “Um, would you like to come in?”

His dark eyes widened with surprise. I hadn’t noticed before but they were exactly the colour of expensive chocolates. Belgian browns, they should be called, with black nuts in the middle.

“What, with Maureen there?”

“Well, she could go home,” I said, somewhat brazenly. I felt myself flushing. This was wrong, somehow. I should be having this conversation in his arms, hot with passion, lips a-tremble, unable to control ourselves and needing to prostrate ourselves somewhere horizontally, pronto, not two feet apart as if we were at some executive board meeting.

He scraped back his hair nervously. “A little, um, awkward, don’t you think? Bye-bye, Maureen, see you later, nudge-nudge?”

I licked my lips. “Well, why don’t we go to your house then, have a coffee there?” I offered brightly. What was wrong with this man, and what the hell was I doing in the driving seat?

He regarded me for a long moment. Smiled gently. “Let’s leave it, Liwy, eh? Not tonight.”

I stared. It took me a moment to realise I’d been rejected. Not tonight, Olivia. I felt for the door handle, struggled with it, flushing to my toes.

“You’re right, it’s late,” I said, rustling up a bright smile, “and coffee only keeps me awake anyway.”

Suddenly he lunged towards me – yes, he couldn’t help himself – and I pitched forward too, kissed his ear as he – opened my door for me.

“It does stick a bit,” he confessed as I retrieved my lips from his hair.

“Oh, right!” I gasped. God, did I get away with that? Did he know I’d tried to snog him? I got out, covered in confusion.

“See you soon then,” I warbled.

He smiled up at me through the open window. “Definitely. ‘Night, Liwy.”

“Good night.” I recovered enough to smile, even challenged him briefly with my eyes. But he didn’t seem to notice.

I turned, not waiting to see him drive off the few yards down the road, and walked dazedly up my drive.

When I knew he’d definitely gone, though, I stopped still, turned, and stared back down the empty road. Well. What d’you make of that then? I blinked. Had I got it so wrong? Had I really misread the signs so badly? Had we not, after all, been swimming in a sea of mutual attraction for the best part of the evening? Had he not felt the roaring in his ears, the volts shooting through the old aortas, the throbbing of the pulse points as we’d locked eyes over the buttercups, simultaneously licking strawberry juice sensually from our fingers? I felt – shattered, confused. What was wrong with the man? Was I not right, somehow? Had I said the wrong thing? Offended his artistic sensibilities? I didn’t have time to ponder further, however, as Maureen opened the front door.

“Ah, you’re back,” she said caustically. “I thought I heard a car.” Her sharp nose twitched like Hunca Munca’s. Probably smelt it too.

“Yes, we’re – I’m back.” I sighed. “Hi, Maureen. All well?” I trudged wearily towards her.

“Fine. Claudia’s been asleep for hours. I sent her up at nine, she was so tired, but…” she paused.

“Yes?”

“Well, there’s a man here.”

“A man? Where?” I peered past her, through the open front door.

“He’s sitting out in the garden, on the terrace. Been here for a while, actually.” She swooped forward suddenly and found my ear. “He says he’s your husband!” she hissed.

I stepped back. Stared. “My…Johnny?”

She nodded, wide-eyed, tight-lipped, triumphant. Then she folded her arms importantly and stood aside to let me in. I put my handbag down slowly on the hall table and moved past her dazedly, then realised she was following me down the passage.

I turned. “Um, thank you, Maureen,” I muttered. “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, well, now let me see. I arrived at seven so – ”

“Here.” I pressed far too much into her hand, not having time for the mental arithmetic.

She didn’t argue and went back towards the door for her coat. “I’ll see myself out,” she called diplomatically, but with a tinge of regret.

I nodded, didn’t answer, but all the same waited until the door had shut firmly behind her. Johnny? Here? What on earth for? And why so late? I glanced at my watch. Ten thirty. Not so late, of course, because Molly had abruptly curtailed the evening.

I walked slowly out on to the terrace, tucking my hair carefully behind my ears. My heart was pounding. As I emerged through the French windows, I saw him sitting on the terrace wall, his long, elegant legs dangling. He stood up.

“Hi, Liwy.” His face was strange, taut and pale in the moonlight, yet I knew he had a tan, and he was smoking, for God’s sake. Johnny almost never smoked. Then it came to me. In a blinding flash, I knew. Knew what this was. Why he’d come. This was what Nina had come to tell me the other day, what Molly had hinted at.

“Sorry to crash in on you like this.” He cranked up a smile.

“That’s OK,” I said carefully.

He took a nervous drag of his cigarette and stared down between his feet. I moved past him and sat, because I needed to, not too close, but just a bit further along the wall from where he’d been sitting. I held on to the balustrade behind in case I needed to clutch something.

“I thought you were in France,” I said lightly.

“I was, we were, but…” He bit his lip. “Well, I needed to talk to you. It wouldn’t keep any longer, so I flew back this afternoon.”

I nodded. Blimey. This afternoon, eh? Guilty conscience keeping him awake at night, no doubt. Spoiling his holiday, putting him off his langoustines, keeping him from concentrating on his Jeffrey Archer on the beach. I noticed he was practically wearing beach clothes too – T-shirt, deck shoes, shorts – as if he’d literally just stood up and brushed the sand off himself. Literally just left her, lying supine and bronzed beside him on her raffia mat in her Top Shop bikini, kissed her sun-drenched shoulder a tad regretfully and said, “It’s no good, my love, I must pop back and speak to her indoors. We simply must get this sorted out once and for all. See you back here in the morning for coffee and croissants on the balcony, OK?”

“Right,” I swallowed. “You couldn’t have called?”

“No. I had to see you, Liwy.” His blue eyes were heavy with regret.

I gulped and gripped the balustrade behind me firmly. “I see. Well, here you are then.” I raised my chin with a brisk, defensive air. “Fire away.”

He took a quick nervous drag of his cigarette, dropped it and stubbed it out with his toe. His eyes came up to meet mine. Clear as a summer’s sky.

“I can’t bear it, Liv. I miss you too much. In fact I miss both of you too much. This has been the biggest mistake of my life. I thought I could do it, but I can’t, I know that now. I love you so much, Liwy. I want to come back.”

I
stared at him incredulously. For a moment I couldn’t speak. Had neither wind nor words to draw on. My mouth fell open with shock.

“You…want to come back?”

He scraped back his hair nervously. “Look, I know it’s a hideous cheek and I should have rung or written – prepared you in some way – but every time I sat down and put pen to paper it sounded so formal, so eighteenth century, I – I just needed to see you.” Suddenly he bounded across to me, took my hands as they lay shocked and lifeless in my lap, and shook them urgently, as if to shake life into me. He gazed desperately into my eyes. “I needed to plead with you, Liwy, to beg you even, to go down on my knees if necessary, because God knows, I can’t do this any more. I’m dying without you. I can’t bear it. I just can’t bear it any longer!”

I stared into his wide blue eyes, speechless. Then I took my hands away, got up, and walked dazedly round the terrace. I sat down again, my legs feeling very unsteady, and looked down at the moss on the York stone. He wanted to come back?
He
was pleading with
me
to have him back? At length, I unwound my tongue.

“But – you left
me
!”

“I know.”

“For her!”

“I know!”

He shook his head despairingly, scraped frantic hands through his hair again, pulling at the roots as if to punish it. “And God knows why. Well, no, I
do
know why, exactly why, but that’s not important right now. All that matters is that I want to come back, to be a family again, here, with you and Claudia, where I belong.”

“It’s important to
me
!” I spluttered. “Why
did
you leave me, Johnny? And for her! Why her, of all people, and why have her charms suddenly deserted her so dramatically!”

He plunged his hands deep into his pockets and threw back his head. Turned anguished eyes on to the night sky. At length his eyes came down to meet mine.

“Sex,” he blurted out, holding my gaze. “Pure and simple.”

I nodded. Stared back unflinchingly. Then I took a deep breath. “Better than with me?”

“No, different.” He shrugged. “Different person, that’s all, so more exciting in the beginning, the thrill of the unknown, that kind of thing. Pathetic,” He gazed down at his shoes, shook his head remorsefully. Then in a low voice: “I know, Liwy, I know. Sad, cliched, totally laughable and deeply, deeply, pathetic. A middle-aged man who sees his youth slipping away from him. A man who’s always felt young and vital, who can’t believe it’s all over. Can’t believe he’s never going to sleep with anyone else, ever in his life again, besides his wife. Puerile, I know. And I’m so, so sorry.” His eyes came up to meet mine, beseechingly.

I nodded, trying to keep calm. “Well, it’s not exactly trail-blazing, is it, Johnny? You’re not the first, and you certainly won’t be the last, but – God, just for sex! All this – all this pain and heartache, just for sex? Couldn’t you have gone off and had an affair? Sneaked off out of hours, seen her in your lunch hour, maybe even had a few old-fashioned dirty weekends, told me you were playing golf with the boys or something, got it all out of your system that way, so no one knew?”

He stared at me, aghast. “You mean – you’d have
liked
that?”

“Oh, I’d have
loved
it!
No
, Johnny!” I cried. “I’d have liked it about as much as having a cup of cold sick poured over my head, but I’d have preferred it to – to the cruelty I suffered! Preferred it to the ghastly public humiliation, to the mockery you made of my life, of my marriage, and to the grief and the agony my child went through!
She
wouldn’t have known if you’d sneaked off to a grubby motel, half the
county
wouldn’t have known, Christ,
I
might not even have known, and since you clearly planned to ditch this woman within a few months anyway, in the long run it would have been tacky but preferable!”

“And deceitful.”

“Oh, Johnny!” I cried, exasperated, banging the palms of my hands on my forehead. “You and your bloody honour! It’s so misplaced, so misguided! You really think you’re doing the decent thing by coming clean and walking out on your wife and child and not sneaking around? You really think that’s the honourable thing to do, under the circumstances?
Well, I disagree!
The only thing that assuages is your conscience! The only person it helps is you!
You
wanted to feel better, and you couldn’t cope with having the guilt hanging round your neck any more! Oh, you could stoop to having the
sex
– that wasn’t a problem – but, Johnny, the man of honour, the man with a sense of duty, couldn’t stoop to lying, to being deceitful, to not letting me find out. You couldn’t stoop to
sparing
me!” My fists were clenched with anger, and for a moment then, I couldn’t speak. My voice, when it finally came back, was low, shaky, quivering with rage. “You destroyed me, Johnny, and you’ve destroyed our marriage. You’ve ruined everything! Spoilt it all, and now, months later, as I’m beginning to lick my wounds, beginning to come to terms with the grief, and trying hard to become part of the human race again, you stroll back in here, cool as anything, and declare you’d like to be part of this family again. Lie in your old half of the bed, wash the car, dig the garden, do the washing-up, poke the boring old wife for the rest of your life – well, I’m just not having it, Johnny! I’m just not convinced!” With that I burst into tears. Great racking sobs rent my body and tears poured down my face. I didn’t even bother to try to check them, to cover my face in any way. He rushed to put his arms round me.