Olivia (21 page)

“
For me?”

“
Yes, he suggested I take a picture
for
my boyfriend
.”

“
Did he, now?” He laughs a little,
looking once again at the photo. “That’s the oldest line in the
book, baby.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
Sounds a lot less obvious than,
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ don’t you think?” he asks.

“
I swear, it was all in the name of
art,” I say, blowing him off but starting to wonder if there may be
any truth to what he’s saying.

“
I’d bet you my scholarships he’s
got a copy of this tucked between his mattresses.”

“
But you worked so hard for those
scholarships,” I tease him. “Why would you want to just hand that
money over like that? And plus...
gross
.
Manny’s no Hollis.” I crinkle my nose at the thought.

“
Baby, trust me.” He touches the
picture softly, and I imagine he’s tracing my face, but I can’t
tell. “There is nothing gross about this picture... and all guys
are like Hollis, just maybe to a lesser extent.”

I slap his chest playfully. “You like it?”

“
I love it, Olivia,” he assures me.
“Tell me, where was your dad when all of this was
happening?”

“
He and Mom were both with the
dean.”

“
And what did they say about this
photo shoot?”

“
I didn’t tell them.”

“
Good, so there is
some
instinct that told you this wasn’t
okay.”

“
Sure it was
okay
,” I argue. “But yes, I do know it would not have
been a dad-approved activity.”

“
For the record,” he tells me,
“this isn’t a boyfriend-approved activity, either–unless I’m
holding the camera.”

“
Fine, I’ll take it back.” I snatch
it from his hands, but he moves quickly, sitting up to reclaim
it.

“
You will do no such thing.” We
look at the photo together. “It’s actually pretty good,” he admits,
“but I still don’t trust the guy.”

I consider what he’s said, wondering if he’s
jealous. After nearly a year of dating, he’s never once voiced his
concern about any other guys. He’s never been the jealous type, and
I sense that it’s not his motivation now.

“
I’m sorry,” I tell him, starting
to question Manny’s reason for taking the picture, just like Jon
had. “I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the
time.”

He smiles and nods. “I’m sure you didn’t.” He sets
the picture aside and starts to play with my hair, his eyes staring
intently into mine. “Were you alone with him?”

“
For the tour I was, but there was
someone else in the studio with us when he took the
picture.”

“
If there hadn’t been, would you
have still done it?”

“
I swear, Jon, it never occurred to
me that it was anything other than him wanting to show me his
work.” I struggle to hide my frustration, but inwardly I know I’m
only frustrated with myself.

“
That’s what I worry about,
Olivia.” His voice is very soft and kind; his concern, genuine. “I
think your parents have sheltered you a little
too
much.”

“
This isn’t about that.”

“
Sure it is. It’s a strange
dichotomy, really. On the one hand, you’re this woman that I love,
who knows herself so well. And on the other hand, you’re still a
seventeen-year-old girl who really doesn’t know the world at all. I
forget that sometimes.”

“
I’ll be more careful,” I tell him.
“But I’m probably never going to see him again anyway, so Manny’s
not an issue.”

“
But if it’s not Manny, who will be
next?”

“
What, do I have to question the
motives of every person around me?”

“
Like your dad does? Maybe so...
it’s made him a good judge of character. You’re incredibly
introspective, Liv. You just need to use that scrutiny for other
people. Just be a little more discerning, that’s all I’m
asking.”

“
Okay,” I agree quietly.

“
Don’t put yourself in a situation
where you’ll be alone with a guy you don’t really know, okay? Maybe
Manny’s intentions were pure, but I can guarantee not every guy’s
would be.”

“
Okay,” I tell him, my voice more
animated. “I get it.”

“
Good. I trust you.”

“
Thank you.”

“
Do you have some homework to do?”
he asks. I can tell he’s just trying to fill the time so he doesn’t
have to think about his family. He may look strong, but I know how
much it must bother him to know his brothers are staying with
strangers, their futures in limbo.

“
I have to write a two-page summary
of what I thought about
Walden
.”

“
That doesn’t sound too
hard.”

“
It’s not. I’ve got it outlined, I
just need to write it,” I explain. “You look really tired. Did you
sleep at all last night?”

He shakes his head.

“
Why don’t you try to take a nap or
something?”

“
Because I’m not sure when I’ll see
you again. I don’t want to waste our time together.”

“
Please, sleep. I’ve got my laptop.
I’ll stay right here and work on it. I’ll be right here with
you.”

He kisses me, an unspoken thank you, and settles
into his pillow. Five minutes after I start working, he’s asleep.
When I finish my paper, I connect to the school’s wifi and open up
a web browser. The page I’d been looking at last night is still
up.

Yale College.

Two hours ago, I had given up my own plans to stay
in Manhattan for college. I knew with one-hundred-percent certainty
that I wanted to go to Yale. Now, I wonder if I could leave Jon
behind.

The options are varied, based on so many
circumstances that seem to hang in the balance right now.

He goes to Columbia, and I go to Yale. We see each
other some weekends, and I spend the summer in the city. After
graduation, we get married and live in the loft, where he can work
close to the neighborhoods he wants to help, and I can paint.

He goes to Columbia, and I stay in the city and go
to Parsons. Next fall, I’ll be eighteen, and my anonymity will be a
thing of the past. People in New York will be watching my every
step or mis-step. I don’t want to live under that microscope. The
more I think about it, the more pressure I think it would put on
both of us. I think–for me–getting out of the city for awhile is
paramount. I want to experience college, and make friends–and
mistakes–without the attention of an entire city.

Jon drops out of school to take
care of his brothers. Where would that leave me? I recognize how
important Will and Max are to him, but I can’t imagine my life with
him if he chooses this route. Raising a child my brother’s age? I
know it’s selfish, but I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want
it for Jon, either. Wouldn’t that just put him in the same place
he’s been all of his life, trying to escape? Wasn’t his mission to
break the cycle, not just for his own family, but for many families
who find themselves in a similar position?

The dorm room door wakes Jon and startles me, even
though Frederick is cautious as he opens it, peeking around it to
see if we’re still here. Hollis’ voice carries down the hall as he
yells at someone else.

I close my laptop, putting it in my bag and deciding
it’s probably time for me to get home anyway.

“
How long was I asleep?” Jon asks
as his roommates settle back into the room.

“
An hour? Hour and a half? I’m not
sure. But go back to sleep.” I run my fingers through his hair.
“I’m going to get a cab home.” He stretches and starts to get up.
“No, really. Stay here and sleep. I can get a taxi on my
own.”

“
I don’t want you out there alone,”
he says, punctuating the sentence with a yawn.

“
I’ll go with her,” Frederick says,
standing up from his desk. I look at my boyfriend, questioning the
suggestion. “Seriously, Jon. You need some sleep.”

“
Okay,” he says, not putting up a
fight.

I squat down next to the bed and speak to him
softly. “I can be alone with this one?”

His eyes are still closed, but he smiles broadly. “I
trust Fred,” he says, finally blinking his eyes open. I lean in to
kiss him one last time.

“
If you need anything at all, Jon,
just let me know. And call me tomorrow after you talk to your aunt,
okay?”

“
I will, baby.” He pulls his
comforter into his chest and relaxes into his bed. “Thank
you.”

“
Love you.”

“
Love you, too,” he mumbles as
sleep starts to overtake him.

Frederick walks me to the street, but stops to talk
to me before hailing a cab. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“
He can’t quit school,” I tell him,
worried. “He has to know that’s not a good resolution.”

“
I know,” he assures me, “but this
is really testing everything he believes. We spent half the night
talking about what could happen.”

“
I’m glad he has a friend to talk
to.” I smile at him sincerely. I knew Jon had a hard time making
friends in high school because no one could match his intelligence
or ambition, so it’s good to see that there are people like
Frederick around him. “Can I give you my number, in case something
happens?”

He looks a little surprised. “Sure, yeah. Of
course.”

“
I can trust you won’t give it out,
right?”

“
Livvy,” he laughs, “of course I
wouldn’t. I respect you both.”

“
Thanks.” As he flags down a taxi,
I program my number into his phone. “And thanks for getting me the
cab.”

“
My pleasure. Don’t be a
stranger.”

“
Okay. Good night.” I instruct the
driver where to to take me, and plan the upcoming conversation with
my parents as he takes me through the streets of
Manhattan.

I would hate to live here. I would hate even more to
admit that to Jon, knowing he spent his whole life in this
apartment, but the noise from the street and adjoining units is
overwhelming and stressful. It only heightens the tension I’m
already feeling. I put myself in his shoes, wondering how he’s
dealing with the transition. I mean, the thought of Trey being
whisked across the country is unfathomable to me. Even if he was
being sent to live with my grandparents in Wyoming, I can’t imagine
our home life without him.

Jon sits on the floor of his brothers’ room,
carefully folding shirts and putting them in boxes. He’s quiet, and
takes his time with each one. I’d offered to help him, but he said
he wanted to handle this part. I’d already packed away the few
items that Will and Max shared between the two of them, and I
stripped the beds and went down to the laundry room in the basement
of his mother’s building to wash their sheets. I still wasn’t sure
how we were going to dry the linens. The two dryers down there both
had OUT OF ORDER signs on them. I figured I’d end up taking them to
my house to finish the job.

“
It’s just temporary,” I remind
him, unable to withstand the tension anymore. “And you can visit
them anytime.”

“
How?” he asks, frustrated. “How am
I going to fly to Utah on a regular basis, Liv?”

“
There are ways,” I tell him, not
wanting to say what he doesn’t want to hear anyway. My mother had
made the suggestion to me already. “I’ve always wanted to go to
Utah.”

“
Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” he
says sarcastically. “Your parents are going to let you and me fly
across the country together for the weekend? Wake up,
Liv.”

I know he doesn’t mean to be cruel. I know he’s just
angry and hurting. I look around his side of the room–his brothers
hadn’t changed a thing on Jon’s side since he moved out–trying to
find something to occupy my time. I find a book on the corner of
his desk,
The Brothers Karamazov
. I’ve
never read it, but I know it is one of Jon’s favorites. I also know
this is not his copy. His is on a bookshelf in his dorm, the
paperback cover worn, the spine broken.

He’d given this copy to his oldest brother when he
moved out. He didn’t expect him to read it at his age, but Jon had
hoped Will would be curious enough to try. The bookmark was still
stuck in front of the title page.

I wonder if I should pack this without Jon knowing.
Thumbing through a few pages, I start reading a passage in the
second part.

“
What am I thinking?” Jon asks, his
back still facing me. I’m not certain he’s talking to me. “Who am I
to think I can make changes in society when I can’t even fix my own
family? This is as messed up and as broken as it gets.”

“
Jon.” I close the book and tuck it
inside the box I’d started packing, crossing the room to sit behind
him. “This is the best solution right now. Your mom’s finally
getting some help, and your aunt seems really nice. She’ll take
care of your brothers.”

“
They’re so far away, though,” he
says sadly. “And what role models do they have? A father in jail
and a mother in rehab–”

“
And a brother at Columbia
University,” I tell him, stating the obvious, which he seems to be
forgetting. “A brother who rose above the situations that have
defeated so many other people. What better role model could they
have?”