Off to Be the Wizard - 2 - Spell or High Water (28 page)

30.

Martin walked sullenly through the streets of Atlantis.

He had decided to call them streets even though there were no cars or wheeled vehicles. There were some pushcarts and the occasional wheelbarrow, but unless someone was riding in them, he couldn’t call them vehicles. By the same token, he didn’t think he could justify calling them streets without wheeled vehicles, but he decided to let that one go.
Walking sullenly through the pedestrian footpaths of Atlantis
just didn’t set the right tone.

Of course, he could have just teleported back to his hotel room and avoided the whole problem, but teleporting, like
driving
a car, is best suited to situations where you’re either traveling a long distance in a hurry or trying to impress people. For short distances, walking is still preferred by most
wizards
because it gives you time to talk if you’re with someone and time to think if you’re not. Walking can be very pleasant.
Moving
slowly through an environment gives you the opportunity to really see it. Besides, teleporting around everywhere gives one’s life a frantic, disjointed feeling, and doesn’t help one’s
cardiovascular
health either.

Also, it’s impossible to teleport sullenly. It’s over too quickly, and nobody witnesses it. If you want to travel sullenly, you pretty much have to walk, and given Martin’s mood, if he was going to do anything he was going to do it sullenly.

Martin heard someone shout his name. Martin turned, and said, “Hi, Vikram,” sullenly.

Vikram was a fakir from one of the Indian delegations. When they’d first been introduced at the big meet-and-greet on day one, Vikram had worn ostentatious robes and a cartoonish large, bejeweled turban, but since then he had worn his usual daily uniform, a simple loose-fitting orange robe.

Vikram ran to catch up to Martin, then said, “Look, Martin, I just want to apologize. I feel terrible that I didn’t do anything to help today.”

Martin started walking again. Vikram kept pace.

“Don’t worry about it, Vikram. There were a lot of people there who didn’t help. Heck, if you look at the results, I didn’t really help, did I?”

“At least you did something, and please, call me Vic. Most of us just stood there and watched.”

“It’s understandable. You were all in shock.”

“It’s no excuse,” Vikram spat.

They both walked sullenly for a moment, then Vikram asked, “Any idea who’s behind it?”

“Well, we’ve ruled some people out.”

“Who?”

Martin chuckled mirthlessly, and said, “Pretty much any suspect we had.”

After another long silence, Vikram said, “We all should have been helping you. There are so many of us. Whoever did this, they were smart to make today’s attack so chaotic. It kept us from acting until it was too late.”

Martin shook his head. “Really, Vic? I don’t think so. I mean, really, Phillip and I created most of the chaos ourselves. All the attacker did was drop another statue and throw some more arrows. Sure, he added some ropes and tar, but really, it’s just a slight variation on all the stuff they’d done before that didn’t work. It was an act of stubbornness, not intelligence.”

Vic nodded. “Sadly, I find that stubbornness often beats
intelligence
eventually. Stubbornness will beat anything eventually. That’s the whole point of stubbornness.”

Martin didn’t like that idea. He agreed with it, but he did not like it.

“Look,” Vikram said, “none of us really took any of this
seriously
before today. Logic seemed to dictate that Brit the Younger couldn’t be killed, so we didn’t think the Brits were in any real danger.”

Neither did I,
Martin thought.

“But now we are taking this seriously,” Vikram continued, “and we feel like jerks.”

So do I,
Martin thought.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. I’m sure that goes for all of the other delegates. We want to help. We just don’t know how.”

Neither do I,
Martin thought.

With that, Vikram said goodbye and Martin continued his sullen trek back to the room he had been sharing with Phillip.

When he reached the door, Ampyx was waiting.

“What do you want?” Martin asked, then immediately waved his hand to stop any forthcoming answer. “Never mind. Don’t say it. I know what you want. Go for it. I hope you have better luck than I did.”

Martin opened his door and went into his room. He didn’t close the door behind himself, so Ampyx followed him in. Martin slumped down in a chair and looked at Ampyx, clearly irritated and confused. “What? I told you, she’s all yours. Just take my advice, don’t try to get anywhere with Gwen by acting like me, because I can tell you, it doesn’t work.”

Ampyx shook his head and stepped to the center of the room as if he were about to recite the Gettysburg address. “Martin,” he said, in stilted tones, “I have come here to say something to you.”

Martin’s irritation faded, clearly being pushed out of his brain by his increased confusion.

Ampyx said, “I have watched you closely since you’ve arrived. I have discussed you with your friend, Phillip. I have observed you interacting with the sorceress, Gwen. I have witnessed your attempts to prevent harm from coming to Brit the Younger.”

Oh great,
Martin thought.
Just what I need, criticism from a walking pituitary gland.

Martin opened his mouth to interrupt, but before he could, Ampyx said, “And I’ve come here today to tell you that you have earned my respect.”

Martin squinted and said, “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?”

“Do not gloat about it, Martin. This is hard enough for me as it is.”

“I’m not gloating. I just . . . I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

“It is true. Martin, you are a man of action. You intervene, while others stand and watch. Then, by the time they take action, you are already several steps ahead. You are often out of step with those around you, but that doesn’t mean that they’re on the
correct
foot.”

“Thank you, Ampyx,” Martin said. “That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me.”

“That does not surprise me. My biggest criticism of you is in your choice of friends. Phillip doesn’t respect you as much as he should.”

“Well, in Phillip’s defense, he was my teacher. In a lot of ways he still sees me as a student.”

Ampyx sat on the chair opposite Martin. “No. You still look at yourself as a student, and it keeps you from seeing yourself or him clearly.”

“Look,” Martin said, “Phillip might be dead, at any rate he’s missing and in trouble. I appreciate what you’re saying, but now’s not the time.”

“No, now is not the time for honesty? When is? I was at the summit today, guarding one of the balconies. I saw what
happened
. You acted, while the other wizards and sorceresses stood there like sheep.”

“Ampyx, that’s not fair.”

“True. Sheep are useful.”

Martin said, “Phillip helped. Heck, he got to Brit first.”

“Yes, and what did he do? He held on to her, and he yelled. You used your magic. You attempted to anchor your legs to
pillars
, tables, even the wall. And nobody else thought to come to your aid until failure was practically a forgone conclusion.”

“Thanks, but I think you’re giving me too much credit. None of that did any good.”

“I give you credit for trying and failing. It’s not much credit, but it’s still more credit than most of your peers deserve.”

Martin asked, “Well, why didn’t you and the other guards help?”

“We don’t get involved in issues regarding magic. What if I had tried to push Brit the Younger out of the path of a
falling
statue? I’d have been crushed and she wouldn’t have gotten hurt either way. What if I’d thrown myself between her and the arrows? I get impaled, she is unhurt either way. We guards are there to keep angry citizens from troubling the sorceresses, but in truth, we are largely ornamental. Most of us do the job in hopes of catching a sorceress’s eye. Otherwise, we’d probably wear
something
more substantial.”

Martin tried to imagine fighting while wearing a mesh t-shirt and a kilt, and decided that Ampyx had a point.

“You do things, Martin. Not smart things, but still, things. While Phillip criticizes and Gwen hides, you do things.”

“What do you mean, Gwen hides?” Martin asked.

“I’ve only been watching you for a short time and it’s obvious to me that Gwen is yours. You are the only man she is interested in, and everyone else can see it. Yet she refuses to show you. She hides from you, and from her feelings. You know it is true,
Martin
. That is why she frustrates you so.”

Martin shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Ampyx asked, “Martin, how many women have you wanted in your life?”

Martin answered, “Many.”

Ampyx asked, “How many of those women have wanted you in return?”

Martin answered, “Not many.”

“And how did you respond to their lack of interest?”

“I dunno. I guess I got the hint and left them alone.”

“Yes. But you haven’t given up, even after she left and moved far away. Even after all the times she’s rebuffed your advances. Even now, when you claim to have let her go, you still hold out hope. It’s because some part of you, some part that sees things clearly, some part that isn’t your brain, knows that she is hiding. She hides. It is her nature.”

Martin frowned. He didn’t like being psychoanalyzed. He especially didn’t like being psychoanalyzed accurately.
Is it true?
Martin asked himself.
No. She’s very outgoing. Everybody in
Leadchurch
liked her. She ran that shop, where she spent ten years pretending to be a tailor, hiding the fact that she was a wizard.

“Okay, Ampyx, say you’re right.”

“I am right.”

“I didn’t mean that literally.”

“I do.”

“Whatever. So what? How does any of this help me now? Phillip and Brit are gone and Gwen is still hiding.”

“And you are sitting here in your room, doing nothing.”

Martin asked, “What should I do?”

“Something.”

“I can’t just go out and start doing crap at random. I need a plan.”

“Who has been coming up with the plans so far?”

Martin thought back to the time right after what he’d started referring to as “The Big Squid Implosion.” Martin felt a stab of embarrassment when he recalled having suggested that Ida, the president, was behind it, and having to have it explained that nobody as smart as her would do something so stupid. Martin had instantly seen that they were right, and handed over the strategy to them. Martin said, “Brit and Phillip and Gwen made the plans.”

“Why them?” Ampyx asked.

“Because, if I’m being honest, they’re smarter than I am.”

“Are they smarter, or do they just know more?”

Martin asked, “Is there a difference?”

“Yes, a big one. Even I know that. Martin, you say they made the plan. Was that plan to simply let the murderer keep trying over and over again, until they either gave up or got it right?”

“Well, that’s not how they put it,” Martin mumbled. “Besides, this last time the idea was to use our powers to identify who
did it.”

“Did that work?”

“No.”

“And you’re certain that they are smart?”

“Yes, look, you’re right. You have a point. I am usually the one who acts first, and Gwen and Phillip tend to do a lot more standing around talking than I like, but I make a lot of mistakes. More mistakes than they do.”

“Because you try more things than they do.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing. There’s something to be said for planning and strategizing, and they are smart people. It’s just their plan this time that turned out to be stupid. Smart people do dumb things some times.”

Ampyx stood silently, thinking about this.

“Smart people do dumb things,” Martin repeated.

They sat in silence. Martin’s eyes got wide. He looked at Ampyx, then stood up urgently. Ampyx stood as well, alarmed that Martin seemed alarmed. Martin looked around the room, opening and closing his mouth as if silently arguing with himself. Ampyx asked, “What’s wrong?”

Martin looked up at Ampyx and said, “Smart people do dumb things!”

“Dumb things like repeating themselves?” Ampyx asked.

31.

It isn’t possible to teleport sullenly, but it is possible to
teleport
urgently. Martin and Ampyx materialized outside Brit the
Younger’s
door. Martin was perched on the balls of his feet, ready for anything. Instead of anything, he found nothing, nothing out of the ordinary anyway, and it seemed to confuse him for a moment. He swiveled his head around, making sure the coast was clear, then removed his hand from Ampyx’s shoulder and rang the doorbell.

As they waited for Nik to answer, Martin kept looking from one end of the hall to the other.

“Is something wrong?” Ampyx asked.

“Yes. We’re onto something.”

“And that’s wrong?”

“Of course it is,” Martin said. “It’s always when you feel like you’re onto something that life knocks the wind out of you.”

Nik opened the door. “Oh, hello again, Martin. Who’s your friend?”

Martin said, “Nik, this is Ampyx. Ampyx, Nik. Is Gwen still here?”

Nik smiled, but shook his head. “No, the poor thing left a little after you did.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Home, I guess.” Nik turned his attention back to Ampyx. “You don’t talk much, do you?”

Ampyx said, “No.”

Martin said, “Thanks, Nik. You rest. We’ll go to Gwen’s.”

Nik said, “You should.”

The three of them stood in silence, then Nik asked, “You don’t know where Gwen lives, do you?”

“No,” Martin admitted. “No, I don’t.”

Martin and Ampyx materialized urgently outside Gwen’s door. Unlike Brit’s apartment and Martin’s hotel room, Gwen lived in the Atlantean equivalent of a townhouse. Her front door faced the pedestrian thoroughfare. Atlanteans went on about their business, but the city’s mood was decidedly less upbeat since the events of the morning. The worse the news, the faster it travels.

Martin took a quick look at the façade of Gwen’s home. Its Atlantis-standard white-crystalline walls were interrupted by pleasant, rather conventional-looking windows. Martin could see the backsides of curtains and plants just inside. The place gave off an air of cheerfulness. He’d have wanted to go inside even if he hadn’t known that Gwen was in there.

Martin knocked on the door. He heard nothing. He knocked again, then yelled, “Gwen, it’s me! We need to talk.”

A few seconds later, the door swung open violently. Gwen looked at Martin. She seemed to be both angry and relieved. Martin didn’t know if she was angry to feel relieved at seeing him, or relieved to feel angry at seeing him.

“Gwen, we need to talk. Can we come in?”

Gwen seemed to notice Ampyx for the first time, and his presence clearly confused her. “Uh, sure,” she said, stepping aside.

Martin went in the door, but Ampyx hesitated. Martin turned around and said, “Come on in. You might as well watch us from up close for a change.” Ampyx followed Martin into Gwen’s home.

From the outside, peeking in through the windows, Gwen’s home had exuded happiness, and Martin could see why. What with the curtains, the flowers, and the decorative furnishings, the areas right next to the windows almost reeked of cheerful good taste. The rest of the house seemed to be storage space for rolls of fabric, dress dummies, work tables, and sewing machines. The whole back wall of the room was covered with racks of garments in various stages of completion.

Martin spun around, taking it all in. “You still make clothes?” he asked.

“Yes,” Gwen answered.

“Why?”

Gwen said, “Because I enjoy making clothes.”

Martin walked to one of the work tables and felt a piece of dark fabric that was pinned to a pattern. “Do you make things for the other sorceresses?”

“A few things, mostly for the Brits. To be honest, I mainly just make things for fun. What I really enjoy making is outerwear, and we don’t get much call for it here.” She walked to a female dress form that was wearing a sleek moto-inspired jacket that was made from the dark wool material of a longshoreman’s coat.

Martin looked at the coat, and the other projects strewn around the space, and said, “This is really cool, Gwen!”

Gwen smiled, then glanced at Ampyx. She turned back to Martin and said, “Why is he—” She stopped herself, realizing that she was being rude. She turned to Ampyx and asked him, “Why . . .” She stopped again, then realized that she didn’t know how to ask what she wanted to ask without it sounding a little rude, so she just went for it.

“Why are you here?” she asked.

Ampyx said, “I don’t know. He brought me.”

Martin said, “I think better with Ampyx around. He helped me figure out what to do next. Besides, the non-magic folk live in Atlantis too, so they should have a hand in preventing this.”

Gwen asked, “Preventing what?” She looked at Ampyx, who shrugged. Clearly, he was as lost as she was.

“First things first, Gwen. When we were at Brit’s place, and she and Phillip came back from the giant squid implosion, what did I say?”

Ampyx repeated, “Giant squid implosion?” He looked even more lost.

Gwen said, “It’s not what it sounds like. The squid didn’t implode.”

“Never mind that,” Martin continued. “What did I say?”

“About what?” Gwen asked.

“I said that we should look at who had the most to gain from Brit and the other Brit being out of the way.”

Gwen nodded, “Yes, I remember, and we told you that wasn’t helpful.”

“Because?” Martin asked.

“Because you said that the person with the most to gain
was Ida.”

“Because?”

“Because she’s the president, and with the Brits gone, she’d be in charge.”

“She is in charge,” Martin pointed out, “but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You all told me that was a stupid idea.”

“And it is,” Gwen said. “Ida’s not behind this.”

“How do you know?”

“Because Ida knows just as well as anyone that it’s logically impossible for Brit the Younger to die, because Brit the Elder is here.”

Martin and Ampyx exchanged a look, then Martin continued. “Your logic has two flaws. One is that it would appear that harm
did
come to Brit the Younger, and that it seems to have removed Brit the Elder, but that’s not the main flaw. You couldn’t have known that would happen back then. No, your reasoning has an even more fundamental error.”

Gwen asked, “And what is that?” She did not like the way this was going.

“Gwen,” Martin said, “it’s not your fault. You and Brit, heck, even Phillip agreed, and he didn’t buy into the idea that Brit the Elder’s existence made Brit the Younger invulnerable. You all fell prey to the same fallacy. Ida is smart, isn’t she?”

“Yes. Very.”

“And to even attempt to kill Brit the Younger would not just be immoral, but it would also be stupid, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, very.”

Martin walked to Gwen, and gently placed his hands on both of her shoulders. “Gwen,” he said, “smart people do stupid things.”

Gwen looked at Martin, her expression a mixture of confusion and disgust.

Martin smiled as if sharing a bit of good news. “Smart people do stupid things!”

Gwen replied, “Smart people do stupid things?”

Martin nodded slowly, and said, “Smart people do stupid things.”

Ampyx muttered, “Like repeating themselves.”

Martin said, “You said that already,” then turned his attention back to Gwen. “Just because someone’s smart, that doesn’t mean that everything they do is going to be smart. Look at you!”

“What?” Gwen asked.

“You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known.”

“Go on.”

“But you refuse to admit that you’re crazy about me. That’s stupid! You want something, yet you’re pushing it away. You’re smart, but you’re doing something stupid.”

Gwen shook her head. “I never said I was crazy about you.”

“I know! That’s my point!”

Gwen looked like she might explode. Martin held up his hands, and in a calming tone said, “Look, never mind that. Forget I said anything. I’m sorry. Now’s not the time for that conversation anyway. But think about my point for a second. Really think about it. You have to admit, I’m right. Smart people do stupid things.”

After a long, angry silence, Gwen said, “Yes. You’re right.”

Martin thrust a triumphant finger in the air, and yelled, “Ah ha! HA! Ah ha HA!” He turned to Ampyx, smiling broadly, and said, “Huh? Eh?”

Ampyx crossed his arms, nodded in deep satisfaction, looked at Gwen and said, “Mmm-hmm.”

“Oh, what?!” Gwen shouted. “What are you so happy about?”

“I’ve convinced you,” Martin said. “That means that my
argument
was convincing, and the only example I gave to try to make my point was that you’re into me. If that example convinced you, that means—”

“That you should shut up,” Gwen interrupted.

Martin looked to Ampyx, who nodded silently.

“Okay,” Martin said. “We’ll table that for now.” His words were contrite, but he sounded like he was on the verge of
giggling
. “We have to go and question Ida.”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Martin, we’ve been through this. She wouldn’t have thought that killing Brit was possible.”

“Yes, yes, and as such her even trying would be stupid, which I’ve demonstrated, is not the same thing as impossible.”

“But that’s not evidence.”

“I’m not claiming it is. I’m just saying that we can’t rule her out, and you have to admit, she is the person with the most to gain from the Brits being gone. You saw her after they vanished today. She’s practically the whole government now. Even if you don’t think she did it, talking to her is the logical starting point.”

Gwen looked unconvinced.

“Unless you have any better ideas,” Martin added, trying not to sound smug.

After a long, smoldering silence, Gwen said, “It can’t have been Ida anyway. She would have been caught by Brit’s surveillance app.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. The app was looking for any known magic users, right?”

“Yes.”

“And since magic was used, but the app didn’t catch anyone, that means it was an unknown magic user, right?”

“Yes, and Ida is well known. If it’d been her—”

Now Martin interrupted, “Yes, I know. Clearly she didn’t actually do the magic, but someone had to, and every legitimate magic user in the city would have shown up in the app, right?”

“Yeah,” Gwen said, wearily.

“Then, logically, it had to have been an illegitimate magic user. Someone who snuck into the city unannounced.”

Gwen said, “Yes, in which case we can’t—”

Martin raised a finger and said, “Or, OR! Or, some magic user gave powers to a local.”

They had both nearly forgotten that Ampyx was still there, but now he reminded them. “Wait, you can do that?”

Gwen said, “No! No we can’t!”

Martin said, “That’s not true. We can, and you know it.” He turned to Ampyx, and said, “I mean, obviously, we can’t. We’re not supposed to. We’d be in big trouble if we did and the other
wizards
found out, and even if they didn’t it would be
tremendously
dangerous
. It’d probably end in horrible
bloodshed
, so no, we can’t give powers to non-magical folk.”

Martin turned and looked Gwen in the eye. “But, it is
technically
possible. You know better than anyone, the Camelot shell program gives powers to people who are wearing a certain kind of robe, a particular kind of hat, holding a staff or a wand,” Martin shook his staff to emphasize the point. “Give someone all that, have them recite the Konami code in Esperanto, then memorize a few key phrases, and they’re in business.”

Gwen shook her head. “Martin, Ida would never do that.”

“Why? Because it’s stupid?”

“Martin, I grant you that smart people do dumb things
sometimes
, but this is Ida. She doesn’t go around doing dumb things all the time. She’s not an idiot. We wouldn’t have made her president if she were.”

Martin slowly took a step toward Gwen. He put his hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her eyes, and said, “Gwen, I don’t deny that you’re much smarter than I am, and have been around longer, and that you know Ida far better than I do. That said, you just used the fact that she’s an elected official as evidence that she wouldn’t have done something stupid. Are you even listening to yourself?”