Chapter 27
“It's been a minute,” Secret said as she and Shawndiece walked through the park side by side. “I was glad you were able to find the time to meet up with me today.” Secret strolled Dina along the trail in her stroller.
“Me too,” Shawndiece replied. “Yesterday just wasn't good for me. I had some business to handle.”
“With Lucky I suppose,” Secret said.
Shawndiece just kept walking, not confirming Secret's statement.
“I guess that answers my question,” Secret said under her breath, but not low enough where Shawndiece couldn't hear her.
“Well, from what I hear,” Shawndiece said, “you've been handling a little business of your own with Lucky.”
“True,” Secret admitted. “Call it temporary insanity.”
Shawndiece stopped and looked at Secret. “Does that mean that you're no longer interested in being part of the crew?” Shawndiece used her fingers to put quotation marks around the word “crew.”
Secret turned to Shawndiece. “I won't beat around the bush. Like I said on the phone, I really need to talk to you about something important. And that something important is me changing my mind about getting all mixed up in this whole dope thing.”
Shawndiece chuckled and started walking again. “I take it you've met Quasi,” Shawndiece said. “She has the tendency to change a bitch's mind about wanting to be in the game.”
“No, it wasn't Quasi,” Secret said. “It's you.”
“Me?” Shawndiece stopped walking again and questioned Secret.
“Yes. The only reason why I even got mixed up in all that was because of you.”
“Girl, please.” Shawndiece waved Secret off. “Don't even try it. I have never put it in your head to do something like that. As a matter of fact, remember how I was all up in your ass the day Lucky brought you to the garage?”
“I know, but since I've been out of jail, I don't get to talk to you, I don't get to hang out with you,” Secret said. “Every minute of your time was occupied by your so-called hustle. I just wanted my friend back. If becoming part of the crew”ânow Secret was the one putting the word “crew” in quotation marksâ“was the only way things could go back to normal with us, then that's what I was willing to do.”
“But things aren't back to normal.”
“But they can be. That's what I'm trying to say.” Secret threw her hands up and allowed them to fall to her side. “The hell with this. Let's just go back to the life we lived pre Lucky coming into our lives. It's all just been downhill since.”
“What, and me go back to being a gold-digging ho?” Shawndiece said. “Rocking with guys I don't give two shits about just to keep clothes on my back and a little chump change to throw at my moms for rent? The hell with that,” Shawndiece said. “Do you know how much money I have made in just these few months?”
“Let your momma tell it, not enough,” Secret said. “That day I went looking for you shortly after I got out of jail she said you were dodging her to keep from paying rent.”
“I wasn't dodging her,” Shawndiece was quick to say. “I had been in that fucking dungeon with Quasi for days making mad loot. I practically slept there. I got my mom's mortgage paid up six months in advance plus a nice savings for myself.”
“That's great,” Secret said. “Then you definitely don't need to keep doing it. Live off of your savings. You graduated high school. Heck, you don't have any kids. You can go to college. You still live at your mom's address right?”
Shawndiece nodded.
“You still pay her rent. Girl, you can get financial aid for college and end up going for free. Just get your mom to cosign that all of this is true.” Secret was telling Shawndiece to get her mother to do what Yolanda would have never done for Secret. As far as Secret was concerned, Yolanda never wanted to see her only child make it. “I can even get you a job at the grocery store with me.” Secret shrugged. “Who knows, we can end up being roommates and justâ”
“Will you stop it with that whole fairytale shit?” Shawndiece snapped. “You always did live in la-la land. Well, haven't you figured out yet that this is the real fucking world?” Shawndiece looked and sounded so exasperated. “That's your story, Secret, not mine,” Shawndiece told her best friend.
“But it can be your story too. It can be our story. You've always been so strong and so smart, Shawn,” Secret said. “I don't even know how you got caught up with Lucky like that in the first place. I mean, you rolling with ballers is nothing new. But usually it's just for their money.”
Shawndiece exhaled. “I've been fucking with these niggas for so long I just got exhausted and jaded. Yeah, I have some nice jewelry, designer clothes, shoes, purses, memories of some nice trips, but where has that gotten me? The day I caught up with Lucky, I followed his ass out to the burbs. Do you know he has a five thousandâsquare foot home with two nice-ass cars parked in his driveway?”
Secret didn't know that. If she'd really given a damn about Lucky, that probably would have pissed her off, that she was supposed to be his so-called woman, yet he had her living in government housing while he lived in the lap of luxury, but she didn't care anymore. That still didn't hide the surprised look on her face when Shawndiece told her.
“I thought so,” Shawndiece said. “And I wouldn't have known either had I not seen it for myself. By the time I approached him, I no longer gave a shit about cussing him out.” She paused and said, “But I did cuss his ass out though.”
Secret half smiled.
“But when all was said and done, I had dollar signs in my eyes. I wanted to know how I could get that. Being put up in an apartment or condo by a dude would no longer suffice. I wanted to bring shit to the table on my own. My mother always said make sure the only thing you ain't got to eat is what another nigga done brought to the table. And that's how I had been living my entire life. Eating whatever was handed to me. Well fuck that. After snagging a baller hadn't seemed to be working to my benefit anyway, I figured, if I can't beat 'em join 'em.”
Secret looked down at Dina. So far her trying to talk Shawndiece out of the drug game wasn't working. She had to come up with something else. She thought for a moment and then looked back up at Shawndiece again. “Can I be honest? I feel a certain way about you working with Lucky,” Secret said. “After what he did to me and you go into cahoots with him.”
Shawndiece twisted her face up. “But you wit' that nigga now, so what's the difference?”
“The difference is . . .” How could Secret tell Shawndiece what was really going on without blowing her cover? She couldn't. Shawndiece was her best friend from the cradle to the grave, but she worked with Lucky. As much as she hated to say it, Secret could not 100 percent trust Shawndiece with the full truth. “Look, I was stupid to forgive Lucky.”
“No, that's just who you are. You've got a good heart.”
“Yeah, well, my heart can get me trouble. You always taught me to listen to my head. Well my head is telling me that I should have never even start messing with Lucky again, and you should have never started in the first place.”
“Well, looks like it's too late now, huh?” Shawndiece shrugged her shoulders and started to walk again.
Secret stopped her. “No, it's never too late.” Secret had to think fast. She needed to say something to convince her best friend that hanging around with Lucky could cost her her freedom. Secret was tired. It was time to end this game. It was time to deliver him to the police and move on with her life before everybody got in too deep.
“Lucky is supposed to be stopping by my house tonight. I'm breaking things off with him. I need you to do the same.”
Shawndiece sniffed. “Damn, you acting like I'm dating the nigga. I'm just putting in a little work.”
“And has putting in work really gotten you any further than giving blow jobs did?” Secret snapped.
Shawndiece raised an eyebrow.
“I'm sorry, Shawndiece, but it's the truth. You still don't have a house on the hills or anything like that.”
“It takes time,” Shawndiece said.
“Come on, you're smarter than that.”
Shawndiece put her hands on her hips. “Not everybody is as smart as your college-bound ass.”
“Well, my college-bound ass is working in a grocery store, on welfare raising a baby. Might I add low-income housing?”
“Yeah, but you still don't have to want for nothing with Lucky in your corner. So I have him in mine too, in a different way.”
Secret was becoming desperate. Nothing she seemed to be saying was registering with Shawndiece. Lucky was about to get set up, and anybody in his crew at the wrong place at the wrong time could go down with him. Secret wouldn't be able to live with herself if one of those people ended up being Shawndiece.
“How about we just be in each other's corner?” Secret suggested. “Just me and you. Fuck the world. After all, what has the world done for either of us?”
Shawndiece didn't reply. She looked to be taking in Secret's words.
Secret continued to strike while the iron was at least warm. “You once told me yourself that the streets don't give a shit about anybody. It will chew you up and spit you out. So is that what our fate is?”
“Maybe mine, but not yours,” Shawndiece replied.
“If it's yours, then it's mine as well. I'm following your lead. You've never steered me wrong before, so I don't think you would now. So if you think being in the game is worth it, then fuck it; let's do this. We're in the game, together.”
“Come on, Secret, you're talking crazy.” Shawndiece was half taking her friend serious. But the longer Secret stood there with a straight face, the more serious Shawndiece began to take her friend. “Secret, what you're asking me to do isn't as easy as it sounds. I mean for you it is because you play a different role in Lucky's life than I do.”
“Then I'll tell him for you that you're out.” Secret wiped her hands as if to say it would be as easy as taking out the trash. “He'll listen to me.”
“Secret, you don't understand.”
“No, Shawndiece, you don't understand.” And that was no exaggeration. She didn't even know half the truth as to why her friend was so desperate for her to quit Lucky's crew. “I've trusted you for years.” She took Shawndiece's hands into hers. “Don't you think it's high time you start trusting me?”
Shawndiece stared down at their hands. The two had had such a strong connection since they were young girls. They'd always been there for each other and had each other's backs. Secret was right; she had always allowed Shawndiece to take the lead, to be the teacher. It had been draining Shawndiece over the years, always feeling that, as the decision maker, if things went wrong it was her fault. She'd even blamed herself for Secret being locked up in jail. And now even today Secret still wanted to follow Shawndiece, even after how all that had turned out. Shawndiece just couldn't lead her friend down that same path again.
“Okay,” Shawndiece said in an almost inaudible tone.
“What?” Secret asked, leaning her ear in closer.
“I said okay,” Shawndiece shouted into Secret's ear, trying to be funny.
Secret laughed, let go of Shawndiece's hands and then hugged her friend. “Oh, God, thank you, Shawn. Thank you so much.” She pulled away and said, “Because if Quasi stuck her finger in me one more time . . .” Secret's words trailed off as she stuck her tongue out in disgust.
Shawndiece pulled Secret in for a hug. “I know, I know. No more dungeon, no more nothing.”
Secret pulled away. “So when are you going to let Lucky know?”
“Well, I just have to handle one last piece of business on Friday, and then after thatâ”
“No!” Secret yelled. Her joy was short-lived. “You have to tell him now and just be done with it.”
“I will tell him, Secret, but it's kind of like I need to earn my last paycheck, so after payday on Friday, I promise youâ”
“No, no, no, no, no.” Secret just kept shaking her head and repeating those words.
“Secret, please stop. I promise you that will be the last time. Come Saturday morning I will officially be out of the game.”
Secret took a deep breath. “Please, Shawndiece. I just have a bad feeling. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. And you end up in jail. Please. You said you would start trusting me and following my lead from now on. Well, I need you to do that starting now, not Saturday. Okay?”
Shawndiece just stood there. Secret could see dollar signs in her friend's eyes. She knew how important money and any type of come up was for Shawndiece.
“I know leaving money on the table is not something you do,” Secret told Shawndiece. “But all money is not good money, and in this instance, that is truer than ever.” Secret thought for a minute. “Lucky dropped me a stack for the little bit of work I put in. You can have it. I don't want it.” Secret still had the wad of cash in her purse as she spoke. She dug down into her purse that was hanging on Dina's stroller. She pulled the money out and began to stuff it into Shawndiece's hands. “Here. Just take it. I don't want it anyway. It's blood money as far as I'm concerned.”
“Secret, stop it,” Shawndiece said as passersby began eyeing them. “You trying to get us knocked over the head and mugged out here?”
“Please, Shawn, I'm begging you.” By now tears were streaming down Secret's face. Her shoulders began to heave and she was starting to make a scene out in public.