“Aww,” Nuklear Man cooed. “You’re such a cutie wutie. Yes you are, yyyyyes you are.” He scratched the cat between the ears and held him close. Angus roared and stormed in the background as Nuklear Man and his new friend were sinking into their own world of happiness which was completely oblivious to everything else in the universe.
__________
Crushtacean smashed through Metroville. His eagerness grew with every melodious harmony that echoed through the city. Atomik Lad fell behind while assisting unfortunates left in the path of destruction. He knew Nuklear Man would be able to handle the situation until he got there anyway. He always could.
__________
Angus’s raging came to an abrupt halt. The thick chains wrapped around his small body dragged him back to the ground with a hard metallic
thunk
. He could hear, what was it? A train?
“Who’s there?”
He listened closer.
Was it a stampede of some kind? “Nuklear Man? Do ye hear that?”
Stagnant puddles throughout the abandoned grounds rippled. “Where are ye, ye haggis brained oaf?”
“Awww, he’s purring. You wuv Mr. Nuklear Man, don’t you Mr. Whiskers? Yes you do.”
Crushtacean loomed over the horizon.
“Nuklear Man!” Angus screamed. “Git me outta here! That bloody Crab’s here! Blast ‘em,
do
somethin’!”
“Lookit that belly! Yes, belly, belly, belly!” The cat rolled, stretched, purred, and generally enjoyed the moment almost as much as Nuklear Man.
“He’s comin’ this way!”
__________
Issue 23 – Wherein Angus Has Too Much Crab Meat
Dr. Genius had been monitoring the situation through a passive telepathic uplink. She focused the Scientific: Telepathy Helm on Nuklear Man and tossed all the dials to their maximum settings. “Nuklear Man! Angus needs your help! What’re you—oh no.”
“Necessario un operacion grande y peligroso? Loco Paco’s Discount Surgery!”
She took off the telepathic helm with a forlorn frown. “Spanglish radio.”
__________
“Tee hee, you’re sticking your tongue out!” Nuklear Man told the cat.
Angus Dwarf-a-pulted to safety. Or he would have had Nuklear Man not tied him down with several tons of scrap metal. Angus’s frantic frenzy to escape only served to further enflame Crushtacean’s passions.
She’s a bit petite for my tastes, but OH BABY!
“What are ye—ARGODNOPLEASEEERGHELLTHISISHELLBLBLBLE!”
__________
Atomik Lad touched down in front of Nuklear Man three minutes later. A snoozing cat with fluffy gray fur that faded into a white underside was cuddled up in Nuklear Man’s arms. Atomik Lad scanned the area. “Where’s Angus?”
“Never mind that. I found us a new sidekick.”
“Not—”
“Katkat!”
Atomik Lad’s head drooped. “Don’t tell me. ‘Kat’ because he’s a cat.”
Nuklear Man nodded.
“And ‘kat’ because he’s also a cat.”
Nuklear Man beamed with pride. “
Exactly
. Together, they make Katkat. It’s brilliant.”
“It’s something, all right.”
“You said it.”
“Anyway, what’d you do with Angus? Where’s Crushtacean?”
“I dunno. Angus was making a racket a while ago, but I guess he musta worn himself out.”
“And Crushtacean?”
Nuklear Man shrugged. “He’s a no show.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I brought Angus here, but then I had to tie him down because he didn’t want to go through with the plan.”
“And?”
“And then I found Katkat. We’ve been training ever since.”
“Training? No, don’t explain. We’ve got to find Angus. And how the hell do you miss a giant, rampaging, horny crab monster?”
“It ain’t easy, but I does what I can.”
“Laddies?”
“Angus!” Atomik Lad ran a little deeper into the abandoned factory grounds as his diminutive friend stumbled out of them. It looked like a scene from a movie about the end of the world. “What happened?”
Angus limped from around a corner. He was wearing his heavily armored Iron: Battlesuit outfit
backwards
. His fierce Iron: Battlehelm was tilted to one side. He had a far-off look in his face. His empty gaze pointed a few degrees over the horizon without focusing on anything. Atomik Lad was reminded of a news anchorman’s vacant stare. The Surly Scot hobbled to him as if on automatic.
“Are you okay?”
Angus blinked one eye at a time and nearly toppled over, but Atomik Lad caught and him and held the Scotsman upright. “Ah’m okay. Sure.”
“You sure?”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“Where’s Crushtacean? What happened?”
Angus shivered. “Ah likes a spot o’ sugar with me crumpets every morning to put the bounce in me step,” he stated matter-of-factly and fell on his back.
“How’d he get out of the iron girders?” Nuklear Man asked.
Atomik Lad followed Angus’s tiny and erratic footprints back into the half-crumbled factory. Inside its walls, Crushtacean was lying on his great underbelly. His enormous pincers were crossed under his head. A smoke stack was sticking out his footjaws, reminding Atomik Lad of a giant cigarette. “He’s snoring?”
__________
Atomik Lad called Dr. Genius to inform her that Crushtacean had been subdued, though he wasn’t entirely clear on the specifics. She immediately mobilized Überdyne’s army of secret vehicles, which consisted of a dozen semi-trucks labeled Inconspicuous Trucking Company. They arrived on the scene within minutes since there was no traffic left in the city. Dr. Genius personally supervised the activities. A tracking device was placed on Crushtacean’s carapace and cargo helicopters flew in to transport The Crab to the ocean and release him back into the wild.
“It’s the humane thing to do,” Dr. Genius was explaining to Atomik Lad.
“I understand, but what if he comes back? Look at what he did to the city in just a matter of hours.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that.” She grinned deviously. “The tracking device is rigged so that if he comes near a civilized shoreline, one of Überdyne’s secret Scientific: Weapon Platform Satellites will zap him with a few terrawatts of laser energy. He won’t bother us again thanks to good ol’ Pavlovian learning.”
“Ah. Yes, humane.”
“Better than dicing him up. Überdyne’s been wanting to break into the seafood industry for years now. I had to talk the board out of it to save this rare and beautiful specimen.” She looked past Atomik Lad. “And here comes Nuklear Man.”
Atomik Lad turned around. “He’s still got that cat.”
“Hey, Sparky, Dr. Gorgeous.” Nuklear Man winked at her and whispered to Atomik Lad. “Chicks dig it when you hit on them relentlessly.”
“Right.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend?” she asked.
“See!” he gleefully whispered to his sidekick before answering. “Ima, please! I know I’m irresistibly handsome, but let’s try to keep at least a semblance of professionalism despite my perfect physique and charming demeanor. Besides, it’s not little.”
“Nuke.”
“I know this spandex doesn’t leave much to the imagination, but I can tell you from personal experience—”
“Whoa! Nuke! She’s talking about the damn cat.”
“Oh.” He straightened his spandex. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
Ima laughed, “You guys. You’re crazy.”
“Crazy like a
lunatic!”
Nuklear Man said. “No, wait.”
Atomik Lad sighed. “He found the cat out here somewhere.”
“Crazy like a mental patient? Well, now, that one
sounds
right, but I don’t know.”
“He calls it Katkat, don’t ask, it’ll only make sense and you don’t need that. I know I didn’t. I’m afraid he wants to keep it.”
“Ooh, Ooh! Can I?
Please!
I’ll take care of him and everything! I’ll even feed this one!”
“This one?” Ima asked.
“He doesn’t have the best record when it comes to pets. It’s best that we don’t talk about it in public.”
“Oh my,” she said.
“Please?” Nuklear Man begged.
“Oh fine. It’s your birthday.”
“Yippee!”
“Meowr.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, it is your birthday isn’t it. Your present is still in the Magnomobile. I forgot all about it when Crushtacean popped up.”
“Goody! Back to the beach!” Nuklear Man scooped up Katkat and zoomed into the sky.
“No, wait!” Atomik Lad yelled. “Dammit, that’s how we lost number three. I’m sorry, Ima, but I’ve got to keep an eye on them.”
“Understandable. Perhaps next time we get together the entire city won’t be in peril. Be careful.”
“That’s the plan. See you later.” His Atomik Field erupted and he followed his mentor back to the beach.
__________
“Now what’s that special thing all cats can do?” Nuklear Man wondered aloud as he flew back to Larsen Beach with Katkat tucked into his thickly muscled arms.
“Meow?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Purrrr.” Katkat rubbed his face against Nuklear Man’s tucking arm.
“But you do make a good case for it.” He pondered some more. “I guess you win. Fly, Katkat, fly!” He gave the cat an underhand chuck into the wild blue yonder. “Kat-a-pult! Hm, that one just sounds stupid.”
“Mreowr!?!” Katkat hollered as he rocketed across the sky.
“That’s the spirit!” Nuklear Man cheered. “Er, pull up. Katkat, don’t be like all the others, pull up!”
A crimson blur rushed past Nuklear Man, spinning him like a top. He stopped himself and had to yank his cape off the top of his head. “Lousy meteors,” he grumbled.
Atomik Lad raced to the launched Katkat. He gained on the flying feline and reached out to save him from a messy demise. He focused on his hands for an instant and recoiled. He let out a sigh, shut off his chaotic Atomik Field, and safely grappled Katkat.
“Time to turn on the juice,” he said.
But it didn’t quite work. Pathetic red sparks fluttered around his body as the pair began to succumb to gravity.
Well, this is bad
. The ground was getting a little too friendly for Atomik Lad’s comfort. “What a great way to end an otherwise promising career in the Hero business. Fend off an inter-dimensional dragon spirit, thwart countless plots to take over the world, defeat Dr. Menace at every turn, subdue a giant crab, and then get turned to hamburger while trying to save a damn cat.”
They kept falling. His Field kicked in mere inches from the ground. Atomik Lad bounced across Larson Beach like a skipping stone until he came to a clumsy stop some distance from what was left of Nuklear Man’s birthday party. “Ouch,” he moaned.
“Mew.”
Nuklear Man landed knee deep in sand next to them. “Ooh! You saved him!”
“You’re talking to the cat, aren’t you.”
“Of course I am. You should know better than to fly at such dangerous speeds.”
Atomik Lad grumbled.
“Lucky for you, Katkat was able to catch you and talk some sense into you.”
“Why did you throw him?”
“Cats can fly.”
“Cats
can’t
fly.
“Katkat told me so.”
“No. No, he did not.”
“It’s the special thing they can all do.”
“No, they’re supposed to be able to land on all four feet.”
“Oh. Well, then, no harm done.”
Atomik Lad stood up, still holding Katkat. “You know, Nuke. Katkat is a really dumb name.”
“Is not. You’re just not smart enough to understand its intricacies. Like me.”
“‘Like you’ meaning you can or can’t understand these alleged intricacies?”
“Um. Nyes.”
“Let’s just get back to Norman and Rachel, clean up the party, give you your stinking present, and get back to the Silo for some nice sleep. Being with you all day is sending me to an early grave.”
__________
An hour later, the sun started to set behind the dunes. Rachel and the Heroes finally disposed of the leftover junk and garbage from Nuklear Man’s prematurely preempted party. Even Mighty Metallic Magno Man was able to help, though he tended to walk in wobbly lines. Katkat slept soundly in the Magnomobile’s driver’s seat.
The chores were completed and Nuklear Man’s incessant whining had become unbearable. Atomik Lad and Norman hauled the Hero’s present from the Magnomobile’s trunk. The box was taller than Nuklear Man. His eyes widened with childish glee. “Let’s cut ‘er open like a prom date!” he said enthusiastically.
Everyone else took a step back from Nuklear Man and traded worried glances.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” Atomik Lad said. “I just work for the guy.”
Nuklear Man tore into the huge box like a massive jungle cat mauling its prey, but only Katkat knew this for sure. Little foam peanuts poured out of the wounded box until they came up to Nuklear Man’s knees.
“Ack! It’s got me! Curse you, curse you
all
for this treachery!” he howled. “May I haunt you from beyond the grave for eternity!”
“Nuke, it’s just the packing material. It’s there so that what’s inside doesn’t break in shipping,” Atomik Lad said.
Nuklear Man ceased his throes of death and dove into the package. He pulled out a small box with “A Fubar doll!” in it a few seconds later. He clutched the small box like it was his own long-lost child.
“You didn’t,” Rachel moaned. “Please tell me you didn’t.”
“We had to,” Atomik Lad said.
“Yeah,” Norman said. “It was the only thing we could find. I mean, what do you get the man who doesn’t know anything?” He poked Nuklear Man in the ribs.
“Get your slimy hands away from it, you, you sneaky sneak! He’s
mine!”
Nuklear Man stroked the small Fubar toy. It teetered on the border between adorably cute and hideously evil.
“Okay, Nuke. Whatever.” His Magnowatch beeped. “Oh, geez, I’ve got to get back to the Magnopad. Catch you guys later.” He saluted them. “Great meeting you, Rachel.”
“I know,” she said with a coy little smile.
“Don’t let Sparky pull that ‘Out of gas’ shtick on you.”
She just smiled as the Tungsten Titan set Katkat on the sand and took off in his purply supercool car.
Atomik Lad watched him pull out onto the wreck-littered highway beyond the dunes. “Isn’t the Magnopad the other way? Eh, he’ll figure it out. Anyway, how’s your present, Nuke?”