Now and Forever (50 page)

The guard unlocked the door, checked her wrist for the stamp they'd impressed on the back of her hand at the main gate, and stood aside to let her through. The door led out to a lawn dotted with benches and framed with flower beds, and there were no apparent boundaries, only a long strip of healthy-looking lawn beyond. She crossed the threshold slowly and saw couples wandering down walks on either side of the lawn. And then she saw Ian, at the far end, standing there, watching her, stunned. It was like a scene in a movie, and her feet felt like lead.

She just stood there and so did he, until a broad smile began to take over his face. He looked like a tall, gangly boy, watching her and grinning, his eyes damp, but no more so than her own. It was crazy--half a block of lawn between them and neither of them moved ... she had to ... she had come here to see him, to talk to him, not just to stand there and gape at him with a smile on her face She walked slowly along the walk, and he began to walk toward her too, the smile on his face spreading further, and then suddenly, finally, at last, she was in his arms. It was Ian. The Ian she knew. It smelled like Ian, it felt like Ian, her chin fit in the same place on his shoulder. She was home.

"What happened? You run out of hair spray, or did the lizards get to be too much for you?"

"Both. I came up so you could save me." She was having a hard time fighting back tears, but so was he, and still their smiles were like bright sunshine in a summer shower.

"Jessie, you're crazy." He held her tightly and she laughed.

"I think I must be." She was clinging to him tightly. He felt so damn good. She put a hand on his head and felt the silk of his hair. She would have known it blindfolded in a room full of men. It was Ian. "Jesus, you feel good." She pulled away from him just to look at him. He looked fabulous. Skinny, a little tired, a little suntanned, and totally overwhelmed. Fabulous. He pulled her close again and nestled her head on his shoulder.

"Oh, baby, I couldn't believe it when you started writing. I'd given up hope."

"I know. I'm a shit." She felt bad suddenly for the long months of silence; now, looking right into his face, she could see how much they must have hurt him. But she had had to. "I'm a super-shit."

"Yeah, but such a beautiful super-shit. You look wonderful, Jessie. You've even gained a little weight." He held her at arm's length again and looked her over. He didn't want to let go. He was afraid she'd vanish again. He wanted to hold on to her, to make sure she was real. And back. And his. But maybe ... maybe she had only come back to visit ... to say hello ... or good-bye. His eyes suddenly showed the pain of what he was thinking, and Jessica wondered what was on his mind. But she didn't know what to say. Not yet.

"Country life is making me fat."

"And happy, from the sound of your letters." He pulled her close to him again, and then pinched her nose. "Let's go sit down. My knees are shaking so bad, I can hardly stand up." She laughed at him and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"You're shaking! I was afraid you wouldn't see me!"

"And pass up the chance to make the other guys drool? Don't be ridiculous." He noticed then that she was wearing the gold lima bean, and he quietly took her hand in his.

They found a bench to one side of the lawn and sat down, still holding hands. He had one arm around her, and her hand was trembling in his. And then the words began to rush out. She couldn't hold back anymore. The dam had finally given way.

"Ian, I love you. It's all so lousy without you." It sounded so corny, but that was what she had come to tell him. She was sure of it now. She knew what she wanted. And now it was a question of want more than need. She still needed him, but differently. Now she knew how much she wanted him.

"Your life doesn't sound lousy, baby. It sounds good. The country, the house ... but ..." He looked at her with gratitude rushing over his face. "... I'm glad if it's lousy, even if it's only a little bit lousy. Oh Jess ... I'm so glad." He pulled her back into his arms.

"Do you still love me a little?" She was wearing her little-girl voice. It was so long since anyone had heard that, so long since he had. But what if he didn't want her anymore? Then what would she do? Go back to the Geoffreys of the world and the fuzzy-haired idiot playwrights from New York? And the emptiness of a house and a gazebo and a swing and a world made for Ian ... but without him? What was there to go back to? Staring at his portrait? Thinking of his voice? Wearing the pearl earrings he'd given her?

"Hey, lady, you're drifting. What were you thinking?"

"About you." She looked him square in the eyes. She needed to know. "Ian, do you still love me?"

"More than I can ever tell you, babe. What do you think? Jessie, I love you more than I ever did. But you wanted the divorce, and it seemed fair. I couldn't ask you to live through all this." He gestured vaguely to the prison behind him. It brought worry to her eyes.

"What about you? Are you surviving it?" She pulled away to look at him again. He looked a lot thinner. Healthy, but much thinner.

"I'm making it a lot better than I thought I would. Ever since I finished the book. They're letting me teach in the school now, and I'm due ..." He seemed to hesitate, looked at something over her head, and took a deep breath. "I'm due for an early hearing in September. They might let me go. In fact, it's almost certain they will. Through some kind of miracle, they've knocked out the famous California indeterminate sentence since I've been here, and as a first-time offender my time could be pretty much up, if they're amenable. So it looks like I could be coming home pretty soon."

"How soon could it be?"

"Maybe six weeks. Maybe three or four months. Six months at worst But that's not the point, Jess. What about all the rest of it? What about us? My being in prison wasn't our only problem."

"But so much has changed." He knew it was true. He had heard it in her letters, knew it from what she'd done, and now he could see it in her face. She was more woman than she had ever been before. But something magical also told him that she was still his. Part of her was. Part of her belonged only to Jessie now, but he liked it that way. She had been that way long, long ago. But she was better now. Richer, fuller, stronger. She was whole. And if she still wanted him now, they would really have something. And he had grown a lot too.

"I think a lot has changed, Jess, but some of it hasn't and some of it won't. And maybe it's more than you want to mess with. You could do a lot better." He looked at her, wondering about the photograph he'd seen in the paper. He had seen the same article Beth had. And if she could have Sir Geoffrey Whatnot, why the hell did she still want him?

"Ian, I like what I've got. If I've still got it. And I couldn't do better. I don't want to do better. You're everything I want."

"I don't have any money."

"So?"

"Look, I got a ten-thousand-dollar advance for the book, and half of that went for your new car. And the other five thousand won't go very far when I get out. You'll be stuck supporting me again. And baby, I have to write. I really know that It's something I have to do, even if I have to wait table in some dive to support myself in the meantime. There's no way I'll give up writing, though, to be 'respectable.'" He looked rueful but firm. And Jessie looked impatient.

"Who gives a damn about 'respectable'? I made a fortune selling the shop to Astrid. What the hell difference does it make now who earns what doing what, for what ... so what, dummy? What do you think I'll do with that money now? Wear it? We could do such nice things with it." She was thinking of the house. And other things.

"Like what?" He smiled at the sound of her voice and held her closer.

"All kinds of things. Buy the house in the country, fix it up a little. Go to Europe ... have a baby ..." She turned her face and smiled at him, nose to nose.

"What did you say?"

"You heard me."

"I'm not so sure I did. Are you serious?"

"I think so." She smiled mysteriously and kissed him.

"What brought that on?"

"A simple process, darling. I've grown up since I saw you last. And it's just something I've been thinking about lately. And I realized something else. I don't just want 'a baby.' I want your baby. Our baby. Ian ... I just want you, with kids, without kids, with money, without ... I don't know how else to tell you. I love you." Two huge tears slid down her face and she looked at him so intensely that he wanted to hold her forever.

He threw his arms around her and held her to him with a huge smile on his face. "You know what's going to happen, Jess? Any minute, some asshole with a flashlight is going to walk up to me, it's going to be two in the morning, and I'm going to wake up, holding my pillow. Because this can't be real. I've dreamed it too often. It's not happening. I want it to be, but ... tell me it's for real."

"It's for real ... but you're breaking my left arm."

"Sorry." He pulled away from her for a moment and they both laughed. "Sweetheart, I love you. I don't even care if you want a baby anymore. I love you, in that ramshackle empty house you got yourself, or in a palace, or wherever. And aside from that, I happen to think you're nuts. I don't know what made you come back, but I'm so damn glad you did."

"So am I." She threw her arms around him again, nibbled his ear, and then bit him. "I love you," she whispered it in his ear, and he pinched her. It had been so long since he'd even touched her, held her, felt her. Even pinching and biting felt good. It was all such a luxury now. "Christ, Ian, what's the matter with you?"

"What do you mean?" He looked suddenly worried.

"You didn't even yell when I pinched you. You always yell when I pinch you. Don't you love me anymore? " But her eyes were dancing as they hadn't in years. Maybe as they never had before, Ian thought.

"You came up here for me to yell at you?"

"Sure. And so I could yell at you. And hug you and kiss you, and beg you to get the hell out of here and come home, for Chrissake. So will you please, dammit? Will you!" Jesus. Twelve hours ago, she hadn't even been sure he still wanted her. But he did! Thank God he did!

"I will, I will. What's your hurry? What do you have, snakes in that place? Spiders? That's why you want me, right? The exterminator--I know your type."

"Bullshit No spiders, no snakes, but ..." She grinned.

"Aha!"

"Ants. I walked into the kitchen the other night to make a peanut-butter sandwich, and I screamed so loud, I ... what are you laughing at? Goddam you, what are you laughing at?" And then suddenly she was laughing too, and he had his arms around her and he was kissing her again, and they were both laughing through their tears. The war was over.

And eight weeks later, he was home.