Authors: David Mamet
CHARLES:
Get to it.
TURKEY GUY:
Honor, and …
ARCHER:
We’re rather busy.
TURKEY GUY:
Yes. Of course, Sir. In the past …
CHARLES:
Fuck the past. We’re going to start anew. Don’t you think?
TURKEY GUY:
Absss …
(
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)
ARCHER:
It’s the fellow from Iran. He’s denying the rumor that he has launched missiles.
CHARLES:
Who told anyone he had launched missiles?
ARCHER:
You told your wife.
CHARLES:
Christ
that woman is a gossip … (
Pause
) Tell him it’s cool, big mistake, and I’ll take care of it. (
To
TURKEY GUY
) Now: my friend. I would like to bring your attention to some simple facts.
TURKEY GUY:
Of course, Sir.
CHARLES:
You ready?
TURKEY GUY:
Yes. Sir. I am.
CHARLES:
There are: How many people in this country? (
To
ARCHER
)
ARCHER:
Three hundred million, several odd hundred th …
CHARLES:
Say three hundred million. On
Thanksgiving
.
TURKEY GUY:
Yes, Sir.
CHARLES:
How many, would you say, “eat turkey”?
TURKEY GUY:
All
of them …?
CHARLES:
That would be yummy, but, let’s say, purpose of argument, one hundred million. Zat sound? Fair to all concerned?
TURKEY GUY:
Yes, Sir.
CHARLES:
How much is turkey a pound?
TURKEY GUY:
I…
CHARLES:
This morning. At the opening bell. Turkey at the supermarket. “Turkey” could be had for …?
TURKEY GUY:
Well. Well, Sir, I. I don’t know, regional discrepancies …
CHARLES:
Don’t fuck with me.
ARCHER:
How much is turkey a pound?
TURKEY GUY:
“A” turkey …
CHARLES:
Do you know where Prondachzeck, Bulgaria is?
TURKEY GUY:
No, Sir.
CHARLES:
Nobody does. (
Pause
) Just five guys. Who work for me. (
Pause
) And the fellas who they
take
there … (
Pause
) And leave there.
(
The phone rings
.)
CHARLES:
(
To phone
) What? (
To
TURKEY GUY
) It’s for you …
TURKEY GUY:
Excuse me … (
To
CHARLES
) Yes. Sir, there is a woman in the anteroom, who is sneezing.
CHARLES:
How much is turkey a pound?
TURKEY GUY:
And could you issue orders that she is to be kept away from the birds?
CHARLES:
How much is turkey a pound?
TURKEY GUY:
For the birds, Sir, have been raised in
complete
isolation, under strictest standards of organic veterinary care …
CHARLES:
Yeah, okay.
TURKEY GUY:
And a woman is sneezing in the outer office.
CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Who’s sneezing? Get her in here.
(
BERNSTEIN
enters, wearing a large, colorful Chinese amulet around her neck. She sneezes
.)
BERNSTEIN:
Mister President.
CHARLES:
Bernstein.
(
She sneezes again
.)
TURKEY GUY:
Sir, when this person leaves, could you ask her to exit by, a route which will not place her again in proximity to my turkeys?
CHARLES:
What is it you want, pal?
TURKEY GUY:
Mister President?
CHARLES:
Quid pro quo. Quid pro quo. What do you want?
TURKEY GUY:
For you to pardon …
CHARLES:
Good! You know, many fine folks, grew up comfortable, went to college, nothing wrong with that, I however, was raised in a migrant camp. And one thing that I learned. Is Life? Life is one thing.
ARCHER:
Give and take.
CHARLES:
Give and fucken take.
TURKEY GUY:
Mist …
CHARLES:
Give and take. Way the thing lays out? You want something. I got what you want? You give, and I take. Or else you wouldn’t be here. (Re
TURKEY GUY
) Bernstein?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir?
CHARLES:
What do these guys want?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir?
CHARLES:
Are you sitting down? They want me TO PARDON A TURKEY.
TURKEY GUY:
Two turkeys.
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, you weren’t raised in a migrant camp. You grew up in Shaker Heights.
CHARLES:
… And you think that was a picnic? (
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers it
.) What?
ARCHER:
It’s the Israeli ambassador. “The future of the State of Israel …”
CHARLES:
(
Takes phone
) What? Iran has not launched … I… Iran has not … (
To
ARCHER
) Get my wife on the phone. (
To phone
) Iran has … Look: you people, got along without a country for two thousand years. You’re gonna be fine. All right?
(
Pause
.)
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, my baby …
CHARLES:
(
To
TURKEY GUY
) This office has not raised its fee for twenty years. One turkey, fifty grand, but, but, you want me now to cut my price in half. And pardon not one, but two … and here’s one for you: IS IT A CRIME?
TURKEY GUY:
Mist …
CHARLES:
Being a turkey? Is it a crime?
TURKEY GUY:
Sir, the country understands the gesture as one of, of, of, of “whimsy.”
CHARLES:
But they, I believe, have overlooked the underlying logic of the case.
(
The phone rings
.)
ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Yes? (To
CHARLES
) Chuck … It’s your wife.
CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Can you keep your trap shut about things that I tell you in confidence. (
He hangs up
.) I pardon your turkeys, what does that imply? That the birds I
haven’t
pardoned, the turkeys each American actually eats, on Thanksgiving, are criminals?
TURKEY GUY:
I…
CHARLES:
And you know what, perhaps I do not have the
power
to pardon turkeys.
TURKEY GUY:
Sir, Presidents since World War Two have pardoned turkeys.
CHARLES:
At what cost.
TURKEY GUY:
(
Pause
) Sir …
ARCHER:
What did you give ’em?
TURKEY GUY:
Sir, if you would like us to consider raising our organization’s stipend, to your, your …
CHARLES:
Oh good. Now we’re getting somewhere. Archer?
ARCHER:
Sir?
CHARLES:
Do I have the power to pardon turkeys?
Ask
me.
ARCHER:
Mister President? Can you pardon turkeys?
CHARLES:
Not for one hundred thousand dollars.
TURKEY GUY:
One hundred?
CHARLES:
Fifty grand a bird.
TURKEY GUY:
All right.
CHARLES:
No, I said
not
for one hundred thousand dollars. That’s the old price.
TURKEY GUY:
Fifty grand was the old price.
CHARLES:
Times one turkey. Times two that would be a hundred—That’s the old price. Do I hear an increase on the old price?
TURKEY GUY:
One hundred fifty thousand.
CHARLES:
I don’t think so.
TURKEY GUY:
One eighty-five.
CHARLES:
In cash.
TURKEY GUY:
Yes, Sir …
(
The phone rings
.
TURKEY GUY
extends his hand
.
CHARLES
checks his info card
.)
CHARLES:
(
To
TURKEY GUY
) Give my best to Betty …
(
ARCHER
answers, listens
.)
ARCHER:
(
Pause
) Hold the phone.
CHARLES:
Yes.
ARCHER:
The price of turkey was quoted at two dollars a pound.
CHARLES:
Yes …?
ARCHER:
That’s “on the bird.”
CHARLES:
What else could it be?
ARCHER:
Pre-sliced.
CHARLES:
What is it pre-sliced?!
ARCHER:
Between seven and eleven dollars.
CHARLES:
(
To exiting
TURKEY GUY
) Stop right there.
TURKEY GUY:
Sir?
CHARLES:
Let’s start again. Seven dollars a pound times three hundred
million
people does not equal, one hundred eighty-five grand.
TURKEY GUY:
What does it equal?
CHARLES:
You tell me.
TURKEY GUY:
You want me to bid against myself?
CHARLES:
How
dare
you use such language in this sacred office.
TURKEY GUY:
I beg your pardon. Tell me what you require.
CHARLES:
I want a number so high even dogs can’t hear it. Are you cogitating? (
Pause
)
TURKEY GUY:
I am.
CHARLES:
And where have your deliberations led you?
TURKEY GUY:
“No.”
CHARLES:
“No”—to your Commander in Chief?
TURKEY GUY:
Yes.
CHARLES:
In
wartime
…
TURKEY GUY:
… I…
CHARLES:
Okay—that’s treason.
TURKEY GUY:
Treason?
CHARLES:
Under my wartime powers? You bet your ass.
TURKEY GUY:
You know what, I don’t
think
so. You know why? You’re
dead
.
CHARLES:
I’m
dead
… ?
TURKEY GUY:
Your numbers are lower than Gandhi’s cholesterol, and, after the election, we’ll see you at
Swap Meets
signing autographs. You
LOSER
.
CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Get me the Pork People on the phone …
(
ARCHER
takes the phone
.)
TURKEY GUY:
Oh. You’re gonna sell “pork” on Thanksgiving.
CHARLES:
Watch me. Show this gentleman out …
(
ARCHER
motions the
TURKEY GUY
out
.)
ARCHER:
(On
phone
)… holding for the Pork People …
CHARLES:
(
Pause
) Bernstein.
BERNSTEIN:
Sir?
CHARLES:
What is that about your neck?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, it is a Chinese amulet.
CHARLES:
An “amulet”?
BERNSTEIN:
That’s right.
CHARLES:
From “China”?
BERNSTEIN:
Yes, Sir.
(
Pause
.)
CHARLES:
Ah huh … Bernstein?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir?
CHARLES:
Are you an agent of that Oriental Power?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, I am not.
CHARLES:
And yet you bear their “mark” about your neck.
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, it is a symbol of love.
CHARLES:
Aah …
BERNSTEIN:
And Family Unity.
CHARLES:
And how am I to know that? Bernstein? I don’t read Chinese … Do you?
BERNSTEIN:
They gave it to me at the hospital.
CHARLES:
Uh-huh.
BERNSTEIN:
When we went to claim our daughter.
CHARLES:
Then you don’t
know
what it means …
BERNSTEIN:
They told me.
CHARLES:
Do you suppose, Bernstein, the Chinese are incapable, of hanging on your neck, a symbol, which said to their cohorts, in
this
country …
ARCHER:
I have the Pork People on the phone.
CHARLES:
… “Rise up and kill the White Oppressor.”
BERNSTEIN:
They give it to all families who adopt a child.
CHARLES:
What better conduit, Bernstein, for their filth. Can you be so naive?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir—
CHARLES:
Are you a friend of those forces inimical to the best interests of your native land?
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, I am not.
CHARLES:
And yet you went to China.
BERNSTEIN:
Sir, Nixon went to China.
CHARLES:
He went to play Ping-Pong.
ARCHER:
National Confraternity of Pork and Pork Product Producers …
(
CHARLES
takes the phone
.)
CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Hello, Tink? How they hanging …? (
To
ARCHER
) Caught between a dick and an asshole. (
To phone
) That’s a good one. Tink … (
To
ARCHER
) Are we calling about that “thing,” about the piggy plane …?