Not Meeting Mr Right (4 page)

'But you can be on Koori time whenever you want,
right?' Dannie couldn't help herself.

'That's right,' Peta chipped in.

'He must be romantic and be comfortable with
showing affection in public, and by that I don't mean
grabbing me on the tit every time he kisses me.'

'Who did that?' Peta wanted to know.

'Jason, the young surfer I met down the coast last
New Year's. Every time we kissed he grabbed my left
breast, didn't matter where we were.'

'Why not your right one?' Peta asked.

'Left one's slightly bigger. He loved it more,' I said
matter-of-factly. The discussion was getting off track
again, so I brought it back. 'I want a man who is
financially secure and hopefully debt-free.'

'What about a mortgage?' Liza asked.

'A mortgage is fine. I just don't want him working
twenty-four/seven to pay off his gambling debts.'

'
Now
who are you outing?' Dannie said. 'You're a
bloody serial dater, Alice.'

'Grant – remember him? We met at the Leukaemia
Foundation ball. Turned out he backed the horses to
the point where he was working seventy hours a week
to cover his debts. That's not the kind of man I want to
marry. Would anyone?'

'Depends, was he built?' Peta always managed to
bring it back to basics.

'Okay, you've got a pretty strong list here, Alice.
Anything else you want to add?' Liza was trying to wrap
up her side of the work. She'd been a very objective
scribe and facilitator.

'Yes, I want a loyal, faithful, sincere, chivalrous, witty,
competent and responsible man.' I was completely
serious, but Dannie burst into giggles.

'That's it, then?' Liza asked, almost impatiently.

'No. Can you add that he should be a good
communicator as well?'

'You've got to be kidding, Alice. I've never met
any
man like the one you're looking for,' Dannie said,
marvelling at the long list of criteria I'd come up with.

'What about George?'

Dannie squealed with laughter. 'George! That's it,
I'm going to pee myself! You live in a fantasy world
sometimes, Alice.' She got up off the sofa and ran along
the hall to the bathroom.

'Well, Alice, no-one could accuse you of not aiming
high.' Even Liza, whose standards were generally rather
exacting, was surprised at what I expected in a potential
partner.

'Based on previous experience, as you have just
heard, sis, I've got to aim high. The more you ask for,
the more you're likely to get, right?'

'Or the harder you might fall, Missy.' Peta wasn't
convinced.

When Dannie came back from the loo, Liza read
out my final list of essential selection criteria for the
position of Mr Right, or, as she called it, 'Alice's tenpoint
plan'.

Essential selection criteria for Mr Right

1.
Must be single, straight and wanting to be in a
relationship

2.
Must be good to his mother and like children

3.
Must love his job (don't want him whingeing
every night about his day)

4.
Must only be addicted to me (not alcohol or
narcotics, and he must not smoke)

5.
Must think I am the most gorgeous woman on
the planet

6.
Must be a non-racist, non-fascist, nonhomophobic
believer in something, preferably
himself

7.
Must be punctual (although I am allowed to be
on Koori time)

8.
Must be romantic and be able to show affection
in public

9.
Must be financially secure and debt-free
(mortgage will be acceptable)

10.
He must be loyal, faithful, sincere, chivalrous,
witty, competent, responsible and a good
communicator (i.e. he must be a good listener)

'Actually, I'd like to add some non-essential criteria
as well. Just a couple of desirable characteristics that
might help me identify the
real
potentials.'

'I'm going to need another drink, then,' said Peta,
and took herself out to the kitchen.

'I'd like him to be in the property market – or at least
thinking of getting into it. And I don't want anyone with
a criminal record, so don't be lining me up with any of
your clients, Liza, okay?'

'What about teeth and hair?' Dannie asked cheekily.

'Well yes, he should have both, and they should be
his own, of course.'

She wasn't giving up. 'Here's one for you, Al: what if
he's got kids from a previous marriage?'

'Nup, don't want an instant family either, or stalker
ex-girlfriends, been there with Terry – had to get an
AVO out against them both eventually.'

'Okay, that's gotta be it now, Alice – you can't
possibly have any more criteria, surely?' I was turning
into one of Liza's more difficult clients.

'Actually ...' – I admit I was a little embarrassed
to add yet another criterion, but it was important to
me – 'It would help if he were a compatible star sign.'
Aria said that for a harmonious relationship, the
perfect matches for Leos were Tauruses, other Leos,
Scorpios and Capricorns. If I wanted passion – and
what girl didn't? – I should try Aries, Gemini, Libra or
Aquarius, and if I was looking for a challenge, then I
should date Cancerians, Virgos or Pisceans. I wanted
it all – harmony, passion
and
a challenge – so that just
ruled out Sagittarians, really. I trusted Aria.

'I think you should stop there, Alice, and move onto
your strategy for meeting this one-in-five-hundred-million
guy. Your so-called Mr Right?' Liza made me
feel like I was in one of those little rooms with the oneway
mirrored windows where they grill baddies on TV.
She was taking it all so seriously. But then, so was I.

'You mean Mr Unbelievably-Perfect-Needs-To-Be-
Cloned,' Dannie said, shaking her head. She stood up
and headed to the kitchen, where Peta was still busy
making some late-night cocktails.

Peta was the real party girl of the group. I met her in
the Bachelor of Education course at Sydney's University
of Technology when we were in first year. I went on to
teach and she decided to go into policy making. She
was good at it. She'd never have made a schoolmarm
anyway; she was too effortlessly glamorous for that,
with her trendy clothes, flawless make-up, and about
300 pairs of shoes. Imelda Marcos had nothing on our
Peta. She knew that a career in teaching would never
have allowed her to maintain her elaborate wardrobe. I
was happy with her decision, because I often borrowed
her clothes. Yes, Peta's career in policy furthered
Indigenous education and helped two Indigenous
women to look good at the same time.

Peta was also the prettiest of the group. We knew
it. She knew it. Her broad smile lit up any room she
walked into. Her buttered body was toned and golden
(''Cos I'm a Murri from Queensland,' she always said),
and her long, luxurious, mahogany ponytail drove
guys wild. It wasn't unusual to see Peta surrounded by
a swarm of young admirers at our local, the Cushion
Bar down at Coogee Beach, on a Friday night. She just
seduced men with her presence. I could've learned a
lot from Peta on that front. She was always positive,
no matter what, and incredibly likeable as well. She
could be sharp, sometimes, but only when dealing with
ignorant whitefellas, and even then she made sure she
had good cause. Between Peta, Liza and Dannie, I had
the best mix of friends a single, childless woman of
twenty-eight could hope for.

Soon Peta and Dannie brought out fresh drinks,
and we settled down to work on the strategy. I had
read in
Aria's Almanac
that feng shui-ing your home
would not only bring peace and harmony, but could
bring love as well. So I started my list with that:
Feng
shui flat
.

'Secondly, you'll need to get your friends to set you
up with their single friends. Blind dates. Don't get too
blind yourself, of course,' Peta said. 'You should also
suss out people at work – maybe there are some single
dads floating around. And what about Mickey? He
must have some mates.' I wasn't too keen on the singledad
idea, but Peta was right: Mickey
should
know
someone I could date. Mickey was my only close friend
at St Christina's. He taught science. Being gay, he was
great at getting in a huddle for girl-talk, exchanging
dating horror stories and fashion disasters. Most of
the time, we met at the Cushion Bar to debrief. Mickey
liked a few G&Ts too, and there were fewer suspicious
Christian eyes upon us there than in the staff room.

'What about attending a few work-related events,
like conferences and department functions? I'm sure
the school will pay for some professional development.
At least at those kind of gigs you can meet people who
do similar work,' Liza said. It seemed a sensible, practical
suggestion; the list was coming together nicely.

'You could place an ad in the classifieds. I knew
someone who met her husband that way. She also got
shagged a lot along the way.' While I wasn't just looking
for a 'shag', Peta's idea might be a valid strategy.

'Can we just say I'll check out the classifieds, as
opposed to placing an advert myself? That's just a
little too desperate for me, I think.' They rolled their
eyes collectively. Obviously I was desperate; otherwise,
I wouldn't have dragged them all to my place in the
middle of the night to workshop my problems.

'Same with internet dating. I heard one of the
mothers at the school saying her sister's friend was doing
it and met an engineer,' Dannie added. She was clearly
impressed with 'engineer status', but that was okay – so
was I! I was quite open to becoming Mrs Engineer.

Liza was next to offer a strategy: 'I recently read
about this annual singles picnic at Bondi. It's called
"Singles Uprising." You might want to check it out.'

Liza never ceased to amaze me with the amount
of useful trivia she knew. 'How on earth did you come
across that?' I asked.

'I googled "uprisings" for a paper I was writing for
the
Indigenous Law Bulletin
, and that was one of the
sites I found.' Thank god one of my friends was an
internet nerd!

Looking for an excuse to take a trip, I added 'holiday
romance' at the bottom of the page. 'That's it,' I said.
'We're done.'

Liza read the list out loud:

Strategies for meeting Mr Right

• Feng shui flat
  

• Go on blind dates with suitable (single,
  heterosexual) friends of friends
  

• Suss out potential dates through work – single
  colleagues and their friends
  

• Attend professional gatherings – conferences,
  meetings
  

• Place an ad in the classifieds
  

• Try internet dating
  

• Attend 'Singles Uprising'
  

• Be open to holiday romances
  

Liza paused. 'I guess we could sum these strategies
up with one simple command,' she said. She took a
fat purple texta and wrote across the top of the page:
'BE OPEN TO ALL OPPORTUNITIES!' Then she
stood up and went straight to the kitchen, where she
removed all the takeaway Thai and pizza menus stuck
to my fridge and used the magnets to put the lists up
in their place. 'Leave these here as a daily reminder of
the process involved in achieving your goals before
your thirtieth birthday cut-off date, Alice.' Evereffi
cient, she recognised something else we needed to
do: 'I think while we're at it we should make a short
list of the strategies for
not
meeting Mr Right.' She was
onto something. Whatever I'd been doing in the past
obviously wasn't working.

'The first strategy should probably be
not
to stray
from your list, Alice! Stick to the strategy!' Liza was
right, of course, and that would be a useful mantra
during down times.

'Don't get too pissed and make a complete dick
of yourself when you're out on dates, either.' Peta
knew what she was talking about, having spent many
weekends cursing herself for things she'd done on a
Friday-night date under the influence of alcohol.

'Never talk about exes on your first date, Alice.
Actually, don't talk about them at all. That's probably
the best advice I can give you,' Dannie said. The last
man she went out with before she'd met George was the
local mayor, who had moaned about his ex-girlfriend
dumping him for another woman. It had been so bad
Dannie had walked out of a restaurant mid-meal.

'It drove me nuts, so I dumped him. So, if we don't
like them talking about their exes, I'm sure they won't
like it either.' She was right, of course.

'Don't forget the rule about no sex on the first date.'
Peta stood, as if to give a public oration, took a long
slug on her drink, then continued: 'Men might like you
to be as wild as a tiger in bed, but they'd also like to
believe that you are virtuous, at least for the first date.'

'When's acceptable these days?' Dannie had been
out of the game for some time, and so had I, compared
to Peta.

'The third date is usually acceptable. By then the
juices are well and truly flowing and you can count the
previous dates as foreplay.' Peta could be crude, but she
sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

Liza added the no-sex-till-the-third-date rule to the
list, then said, 'Alice, don't even think about dating any
of your friends' exes. If she dumped him, you can rest
assured there's a good reason for it.' Liza had gone out
briefly with one of Peta's exes, who we had all called
'The Root-Rat'. The emphasis was always on
rat
– he
just couldn't be faithful. Even for Peta, a notorious
good-time girl, it had been too much, so she'd dumped
him. The Root-Rat had always fancied Liza and we all
knew it. Liza had believed he would be different with
her, that she could tame him. She couldn't and didn't.
Luckily the friendship between the girls hadn't soured;
in fact, they still joked about it.