Not Just a Governess (11 page)

‘No appetite this morning, Adam?’ his grandmother prompted as he sat down opposite her at the table.

‘None whatsoever,’ he muttered gruffly.

His grandmother nodded. ‘You did not sleep well?’

Adam was uncertain as to whether or not he had slept at all after being assailed with the worst feelings of guilt once alone in his bedchamber. Guilt. And uncertainty as to what the future held, if anything, in regard to his relationship with Elena. The latter emotion
was due, he knew, to his feeling out of control whenever he was with her. An iron control he had maintained over all of his emotions since shortly after his wedding to Fanny. For his own protection. A protection that he could not, dared not, allow to be pierced. Even by a woman as sweetly responsive as Elena.
Especially
by a woman as sweetly responsive as Elena!

‘Obviously not,’ his grandmother said drily. ‘Perhaps that is because you did not sleep alone?’

Adam stiffened. ‘Grandmama!’

‘Adam,’ she bit back with uncharacteristic firmness. ‘I am not so old that I am unaware of a man’s desire for a woman. And my insomnia is such that I heard you and Mrs Leighton talking softly together as you passed my bedchamber late last night. Very late last night. Had the two of you arranged an assignation after I had retired?’ She arched questioning brows.

Adam and Elena had parted outside Elena’s bedchamber, a long and lingering goodnight, neither of them in any hurry to bring the night to an end. Except Adam’s euphoria, his physical satisfaction, had ended the moment he entered
his own bedchamber and realised the enormity of what he had done.

He had not realised she had heard them and would not have wished for his grandmother to have done so if he could have helped it. ‘I do not—’

‘Ah, thank you, Jeffries.’ Lady Cicely turned to bestow a smile on the butler as he entered with Adam’s pot of tea.

‘That will be all, thank you, Jeffries,’ Adam dismissed distractedly.

‘Shall I pour?’ his grandmother offered once the two of them were once again alone.

Adam scowled darkly. ‘I am quite capable of pouring my own tea, thank you, Grandmama.’

‘As you wish.’ She gave him a nod before continuing to sip her own cooling brew.

Adam poured his own steaming tea from the fresh pot, his thoughts in turmoil as he contemplated his grandmother guessing what had taken place between himself and Elena the night before. It was not only embarrassing, for any man of eight and twenty to be ‘caught out’ by his own grandmother, it was also damned inconvenient.

‘Oh, do stop looking so po-faced, Adam,’ Lady Cicely said briskly. ‘I only mentioned
the subject at all because I wished, if you intend to continue the relationship with Mrs Leighton, to offer a few words of warning.’

Adam’s spine stiffened even further. ‘This really is not a fit conversation for the breakfast table.’

Grey eyes twinkled at him merrily over her teacup. ‘Would you prefer I wait until luncheon?’

‘I would prefer that we not discuss the subject at all!’ He glared at her down the length of his nose.

‘I feel I must, my dear.’ She placed a hand upon his. ‘I have no wish to see you hurt or disappointed again—’

‘I shall not be.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ she asked gently. ‘Mrs Leighton is a beautiful young woman. And one whom you obviously desire. But there can be no future in such a relationship. None that would not see both of you hurt—’

‘There is not a relationship to continue!’

‘I sincerely hope not, my dear.’ His grandmother patted his hand. ‘Because not only do I seriously doubt that really is her name, but I have other reservations, too.’

‘Do you know something about Elena that
I do not?’ He eyed his grandmother suspiciously.

‘Nothing definite, no.’ She sighed. ‘Only the doubts I expressed to you yesterday. But whether or not that really is her name, or she really is a governess, I am sure I do not have to remind you, of all people, to have a care. For I have no doubt that somewhere in the world, as was the case with Fanny, Elena Leighton will have a father, or a brother, or perhaps even a husband still alive, who will be just as desirous that their daughter or sister, or wife, was not debauched and disgraced by Lord Adam Hawthorne!’

‘I do not believe a mutual passion can be called debauching, Grandmother!’ Adam’s expression had turned icy again.

‘If that is the case, then Mrs Leighton must now have some idea of her value.’

Adam stilled. ‘Value…?’

Lady Cicely nodded. ‘You may be lucky, of course; she does not seem like a particularly grasping sort of gel to me.’ His grandmother smoothed the already-smooth skirt of her gown. ‘A pretty piece of jewellery and a suitable reference will perhaps suffice.’

‘Reference?’ he echoed again, sharply.

‘Really, Adam—’ she sounded exasperated
‘—whether you choose to continue the relationship or otherwise, you cannot be so naïve as to think that the gel can continue to be employed by you and live in the same household as your own daughter?’ Lady Cicely arched disapproving brows.

No, he was not that naïve. Just as his grandmother’s comment had also reminded him, all too forcibly, of his own earlier doubts and suspicions about Elena’s background and identity.

Doubts and suspicions which he had chosen to ignore, or simply forget the night before, in his desire, his eagerness, to make love to her.

But which he could ignore no longer.

E
lena found herself smiling inwardly and often as she spent the following morning in the schoolroom with Amanda. She hugged memories to her of being with Adam the night before, her thoughts drifting time and time again to the wonders of his lovemaking even as she distractedly attempted to teach Amanda her lessons.

Adam had been so gentle with her, so solicitous of Elena’s needs, that there had been no thoughts of denial inside her. Nor had there been any reminder of horror and pain to mar the experience. Rather, she had responded eagerly to each new pleasure Adam gave and shared with her. Shy and inexperienced though her own caresses had been,
she also believed that she had given him that same pleasure back tenfold.

Even now, Elena felt a moist and burning heat between her thighs every time she so much as thought of having Adam’s mouth upon her there. And the warmth of colour entered her cheeks at the memory of how wonderful it had been to kiss and touch him just as intimately, to taste and hold him as he lost his normally icy control to pleasure.

Those long precious minutes of being in his arms afterwards had been almost as rewarding, a time of shared contentment, when their conversation had been of little import in comparison to their physical closeness. And they had laughed with the lightness of children when they had thought themselves discovered going up the stairs together. She could still feel his long and lingering goodnight kisses upon her lips.

Elena had not seen him as yet this morning, having breakfasted in the nursery with Amanda, as was her habit, before the two of them had then gone through to the schoolroom. But Elena very much hoped that they might see each other again at luncheon now that Lady Cicely had joined the family.

And if they did, how would they greet
each other? Elena wondered dreamily. With Amanda and Lady Cicely present, Elena knew she and Adam would not be able to reveal, by word or deed, the intimacies they had shared the night before, or the closeness that had followed. But surely he would be able to give some indication, some small gesture that only she would know and understand, to acknowledge the change in their relationship?

The hours until luncheon, until she saw him again, could not pass quickly enough for Elena…

Adam was aware of the exact moment that Elena entered the salon where the family gathered before luncheon, could feel her presence behind him as much as he could hear Amanda’s excited chatter at being allowed to join the adults.

It had not been Adam’s suggestion for them to do so, but his grandmother’s, with the added comment that he ‘would have to face Mrs Leighton at some time today, so he may as well get it over with at luncheon’.

‘Getting it over with’ was not paramount in Adam’s mind at this moment—finding the right way in which he might do that was his greatest concern!

He had been too aroused, and then too satiated after making love to Elena, to give much thought as to how they would proceed from there. It had only been later, alone in his bedchamber, that the full import of his actions had struck him.

Indeed, it would seem his impetuous behaviour the previous night had placed Elena in a position of power, one that now required Adam to either offer her monetary or similar recompense for last night, or, if Elena were agreeable to continuing the relationship, then he would be expected to set her up in a household of her own until such time as that relationship ended, before again offering her monetary or similar recompense.

Either way, it seemed that Elena could not remain as a member of his household.

Either way it would seem that last night Adam had behaved just as foolishly as he had with Fanny all those years ago, in that he had allowed his physical attraction to a woman to influence his actions rather than the cold logic that had stood him in such good stead in the years since Fanny died. And that lapse, enjoyable as it might have been at the time, had once again placed a woman in the position
of dictating the tenure of their future relationship.

An unpleasantly familiar feeling, which he found totally unacceptable…

Whatever Elena had secretly hoped would be Adam’s response to her today, she was doomed to be disappointed as the luncheon progressed without his so much as glancing at her, let alone addressing a word to her directly!

Not only was his behaviour bewildering, but it was hurtful in the extreme.

Elena could come to only one conclusion: the time which had passed since they were together had given Adam the opportunity to reflect, and regret, the closeness they had shared yesterday evening.

‘—a little distracted today, Mrs Leighton…?’

Elena gave a start as she realised that, while she had been lost in her misery, Lady Cicely had addressed a remark down the table to her. Had her misery been noted? As well as the surreptitious glances Elena had occasionally given Adam beneath the sweep of her dark lashes? Elena hoped not; it would not do for Adam’s grandmother to become suspicious
of the tension that now existed between her grandson and the governess of his young and motherless daughter.

She forced a smile to her lips. ‘I was merely enjoying this delicious dessert.’

‘Really?’ Lady Cicely gave the barely touched mousse in front of Elena a pointed glance.

Embarrassed colour warmed her cheeks as she acknowledged she had, in fact, eaten very little of the luncheon. But how could she possibly eat, when she felt so nauseous?

‘I was remarking upon the pleasantness of the weather for the beginning of May.’ Lady Cicely appeared to take pity on her confused state.

Goodness, yes, today was the first day of the new month. And the sun, as Lady Cicely had observed, was shining brightly. Elena only wished that her own feelings of inner turmoil allowed her to appreciate that warmth. ‘It is very pleasant, yes,’ she instead answered noncommittally.

Lady Cicely turned to her grandson as he sat stony-faced and silent at the head of the table, his own dessert as untouched as Elena’s. ‘Perhaps we might all take a stroll outside in the sunshine after luncheon?’

His eyes were flinty between narrowed lids. ‘You must do as you please, Grandmama, as must Mrs Leighton and Amanda; I am far too occupied with estate business for such frivolity.’

‘All work and no play makes for a very dull fellow,’ Lady Cicely came back drily.

‘Then I must remain dull,’ her grandson ground out, ‘for I have neither the time, nor the inclination, for walks in the sunshine.’

His grandmother gave him a long and measured look before turning to Amanda. ‘If you have finished your meal, dear, shall we go upstairs together and collect our bonnets? No, do not trouble yourself, Mrs Leighton.’ She smiled gently at Elena as she would have risen too. ‘You obviously have not finished eating as yet and I am sure that Amanda is perfectly capable of collecting a bonnet for you, too.’

And Lady Cicely and Amanda’s departure would leave Elena alone at the table with Adam…

It was an occurrence which obviously pleased him as little as it did Elena, if the chilling gaze Adam swept over her, as he stood politely to his feet when the ladies of his family rose to leave, was an indication
of his feelings on the matter. ‘If you will excuse me, there is work in my study urgently in need of my attention.’

A frown creased Lady Cicely’s brow as she paused in her own departure. ‘Perhaps you might accompany Amanda upstairs after all, Mrs Leighton?’

‘Of course.’ Elena was only too relieved to have this opportunity to absent herself from Adam’s icily unapproachable company.

That he deeply regretted their closeness of the evening before had become painfully obvious. So painfully obvious that Elena had to force herself not to run from the dining room.

‘I advise you not to interfere in this matter, Grandmama,’ Adam warned as he guessed that was exactly what she was about to do now that they were alone in the dining room.

‘When the icy demeanour you have shown that poor woman all through luncheon is already working so well, you mean?’ She eyed him with gentle reproof.

‘I would hardly refer to her in those terms,’ he said.

‘Perhaps that is because you appear to be completely impervious to the obvious distress
you are causing her?’ his grandmother accused.

Of course Adam was not so unfeeling as to be completely unmoved by her response to his recent attitude. But what else was he to do? Any warmth or kindness on his part would surely be seen as an encouragement, after the events of yesterday evening, and Adam could not, would not, allow any woman to lead him about by his libido ever again!

His mouth thinned. ‘This is a turnaround, isn’t it? After all, you were the one to point out to me earlier on the unsuitability of such a…relationship.’

‘I believe I advised caution, not cruelty, my dear.’

‘I do not consider it a cruelty to make clear my regret for my previous actions.’

A frown marred his grandmother’s creamy brow. ‘Am I to understand, then, that your present behaviour is somewhat in the form of being cruel to be kind?’

‘Exactly,’ he confirmed tersely.

Lady Cicely looked exasperated. ‘It is one way of doing things, I suppose…’

‘It is the only way I know how to deal with this delicate matter.’ Adam turned away to stare sightlessly out of one of the dining-room
windows. ‘I freely admit I made a mistake last night. A mistake that can only be rectified by Mrs Leighton’s immediate removal from my household. In the circumstances, I believe it would be better, for all concerned, if she were to be the one to make that decision.’

‘I am not disputing that decision, but I am sure there must be a kinder way of going about it.’

Adam’s top lip curled back with self-derision as he continued to stare out of the window before him. ‘Kindness has never been my forte—’

‘If you are ready to go outside, Lady Cicely? Amanda is even now awaiting us in the entrance hall.’

Adam swung round at the first sound of Elena’s brisk tone, a single glance at her unwavering blue-green gaze in the pallor of her face beneath the straw bonnet she now wore enough to tell him that she had once again overheard the last part of his conversation with his grandmother, at least.

Despite those remarks to his grandmother, cruelty was not a natural part of Adam’s nature, but something he’d had necessarily to learn during his marriage to Fanny, out of a sense of self-preservation. Nor, whatever decisions
he might have made regarding Elena, was this the manner in which he would have chosen to make her aware of them.

He turned to his grandmother. ‘If you would care to take Amanda outside whilst I talk briefly to Mrs Leighton, my dear?’

‘Of course—’

‘I assure you, it is unnecessary for us to talk on this matter any further,’ Elena burst out, colour warming her cheeks as she recognised her own rudeness in doing so.

But she was not herself. How could she be, when she had just overheard Adam, the gentleman to whom she had felt closer than any other, not only discussing the events of last night with his grandmother, but also how best to now rid himself of her embarrassing presence from his household!

And Elena had believed herself to be half in love with him. Had thought that Adam felt some measure of affection for her in return. His remarks to Lady Cicely just now had served to show her just how foolish she had been in that regard. Lord Adam Hawthorne had taken what he wanted from her last night and now he just wanted to be rid of her embarrassing presence. And the sooner the better, as far as he was concerned.

Her chin rose proudly. ‘I shall pack my things and make my arrangements to leave here first thing tomorrow morning.’

‘You will leave when I give you permission to leave,’ Adam bit out harshly.

Elena gave him a stony stare. ‘I was under the impression that you had already done that, my lord.’

‘It was my intention to return to London tomorrow,’ Lady Cicely put in softly. ‘There is a ball I must attend on Saturday evening,’ she turned to inform her stony-faced grandson. ‘You are more than welcome to accompany me in my carriage to London, if that is where you wish to go, Mrs Leighton?’ she added gently.

It was a gentleness that brought tears to Elena’s eyes; no matter what Lady Cicely’s private thoughts might be, as to the relationship that now existed between her grandson and his young daughter’s governess, the elderly lady was not so disgusted with her that she did not show compassion for her present dilemma. And Elena now wished to be as far away from Adam Hawthorne as he wished for her to be from him!

‘Thank you,’ she accepted politely, her
gratitude for the older woman’s compassion shining in her eyes. Alongside the tears…

But Elena would not cry. Refused to allow herself to cry in front of Adam. The tears could come later, once she was alone in her bedchamber. For now she would maintain a calm demeanour—along with her dignity.

Adam did not at all appreciate the arrangements for Elena’s departure tomorrow being made without any input from him. ‘And what do you intend saying to Amanda in regard to your hasty departure?’

Lowered long dark lashes hid the expression in Elena’s eyes as she answered him drily, ‘Obviously not the truth.’

Adam felt the warmth of colour enter his cheeks at the obvious rebuke. ‘If you would leave us now, Grandmama…?’

‘Of course.’ She moved forwards to briefly to place her hand gently on Elena’s arm in obvious sympathy before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind her.

Damn it, his bungling of this affair had his own grandmother believing him to be not only cruel, but heartless, too! A belief so far from the truth as to be ludicrous…

Those hours Adam had spent with Elena
last night had been some of the happiest he had ever known. Free of artifice and pretence, he had believed. Just two people enjoying each other’s bodies and company.

Before he’d had the time to realise the consequences of their actions, that is.

But the thought of her leaving as early as tomorrow morning, of never seeing her again, was just as unacceptable to him. ‘There is no need for leaving in such haste—’

‘There is every need, my lord.’ She did not look at him, but kept her beautiful blue-green gaze fixed on the unlit fireplace.