Not His Kiss to Take (32 page)

The orgasmic storm waned—fuck knew when; it went on endlessly—and Jamie came down from the incredible, wonderful high, slumped against the solid body behind him, hands stuck on the wall. Evan’s arm encircled his waist. Kisses were being nibbled along his neck. A bristly chin chased the kisses.

“
So beautiful, coming for me,” Evan whispered into his ear between nips.

“
That hurt,” Jamie groaned. His spent cock lay nestled in Evan’s hand, cherished and protected.

“
Want me to kiss it better?”

Jamie’s body lurched weakly. “Please don’t. I can’t come anymore. I can’t even
stand
.”

“
Just the way I like to leave you when I make you come.” Evan went back to kissing his neck.

The best thing about Evan was that he never rushed the afterglow. Even in the beginning when they weren’t kissing, he reveled in the quiet touches, the cuddling. Now he encouraged Jamie to do the same. Oh, who was he kidding? Jamie loved it. Was totally spoiled. Nobody had ever touched him the way Evan did, like he couldn’t live without him. Like air.

After Jamie’s heartbeat calmed some, Evan stepped on his pants until they finally pooled around his ankles. “Step out.” Right.
Like I can lift my leg.
Did Evan have any idea how heavy his feet were? Catching the heel of his sneaker with his toe, Evan popped it off. “Other foot.” That other foot wasn’t quite as heavy. When he was shoeless, Evan lifted him out of his jeans and set him down again like he weighed next to nothing, as boneless as he felt. Inching his legs back together, he noticed his trembling thighs were wet with cum.

Guess he’d be cleaning the wall soon.

“
Keep your arms up,” Evan said.

He had arms? Since when? Warm hands tickled up his sides as Evan worked both his shirt and hoodie up and peeled them off together. Suddenly being naked after basking in all that delightful heat sent a series of tingly little shivers up and down his back, or maybe it was those kisses between his shoulder blades? Evan eventually reached down and stole the socks right off his feet. Well, actually, they were Evan’s socks. But his feet still missed them.

Fondling hands turned him around. Holy crap, Evan was handsome. Those half-lidded eyes—that mouth. That
heat.
They’d spent a great deal of time kissing since he’d manned up and finally allowed himself to kiss Evan that night in the bar. Having Evan’s tongue halfway down his throat might possibly be the best thing ever. He should check. Right now. One of those kisses would feel wonderful. He felt loose and dreamy, so he leaned in and practically pounced on Evan’s mouth.

Second best thing about Evan: he never said no, not in words, not in action.
Must like kissing me as much as I like kissing him
. Huh.

After indulging him for several breathless moments, and yes, it was the best thing ever, Evan pulled back. That odd,
pleased
smile danced angelically on his wet lips, but his eyes glinted black as sin. “Kneel for me.”

Holy goddamn and fuck. Jamie’s legs almost folded of their own accord. His cock twitched, as if the stupid thing thought it could get hard again. And his hole…
clenched
. Patient as ever, Evan waited. Waves of want practically rolled off his big, vibrating body, yet he waited.

At first, Jamie didn’t understand the tenseness behind that waiting; he was quite ready to drop to the floor and give him fifty licks. His brain hadn’t fully reengaged yet; it was still lost somewhere in Big-O La-La Land. Evan’s eyes, so dark, so full of secrets, searched his.
He’s trying to tell me something.
Then it clicked. Realization dawned. Okay. This was a test.

Evan wanted to know if he’d do it.

If he’d submit.

Parts of Jamie certainly wanted to, and not just the dangly thing between his legs taking a renewed interest in the proceedings. No, there was something else there, something deeper. An unexamined want newly awakened. The desire to bend at the knees pulled strongly. Evan didn’t want to hurt him; Jamie knew that. Quite the opposite, in fact. Evan wanted only the best for him. Just…parts of Evan had been sprinkled with kinky dust instead of fairy dust.

There could be untold delights waiting for him down there at Evan’s feet…

But.
But…but. If Evan just wanted him on his knees to suck his cock, Jamie’d be down there in a shot. Sucking Evan off, especially when he fucked his throat, and for those breathless seconds cut off his air supply, rocked his world. But that wasn’t what Evan wanted—
all
he wanted. That shadowy other half that lived within him would always want more.

And Jamie just couldn’t do it.

It had taken everything he had to get this far—everything. Keeping his knees locked, Jamie forced himself to remember those…everythings.

All those mornings studying or just plain hiding in the hallways long before school started so he could escape the house unseen and have someplace to go.

What the smacks sounded like when the escape wasn’t quick enough—
quiet
enough.

The hurt of betrayal as his mother looked the other way.

Leaving his friends, his
life
behind, because he knew he’d shrivel up and die if he stayed.

All those months and months of working two or three jobs, and all those seventy-hour weeks of cleaning until his hands blistered and peeled.

The pride he’d earned when he finally stood up for himself and decided no one was ever gonna put him down again.

Those
everythings.

He couldn’t just lay it all down at someone else’s feet.

Not even Evan’s.

Chapter
Eighteen

What the hell just happened? One minute, Jamie had been a sated, if wobbly, pile of strung-together bones, and now his eyes were full of that mistrust Evan had witnessed that first night he’d carried him home. Behind the brilliant blues, Evan could almost see Jamie’s clever mind whirling, the wariness building.

When had things gone
this
wrong? Surely not from that endless kiss they’d just shared—that had been spectacular. Jamie’s kisses were worth waiting a lifetime for. Was it that he’d held him too tightly as he came down from his climax, and mostly to satisfy his own selfish desire? Mauling Jamie when he clung all pliant and boneless never get old. Maybe Evan smothered him? Or was it that he—
no, wait.

Hadn’t Jamie said
that hurt
? Evan thought he’d been referring to the power of his orgasm, because the kid had almost blown apart at the seams. He’d slathered the wall with an impressive amount of spunk. What if…? Oh hell. “Jamie? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Tell me where it hurts.”

Silence for a moment, then: “Nothing hurts. I’m fine.”

Fine?
Fine?
Well, wasn’t that a big, fat whopper. “Don’t say that, Jamie—don’t. Don’t lie. Don’t shut me out like this. We agreed. We…we had
a deal
. We agreed to—” Oh God, no…

Was it regret? Did Jamie regret what just happened?

He’s changed his mind.

No. Not that. Please…

I shouldn’t have spanked him…God that was so stupid. I thought he liked it—he was so hard, so hot for me. Moaning and begging with every fiber of his being. And he scared the crap out of me tonight—he could’ve broken his neck, right there in front of me, and I wouldn’t have been able to do a thing. I know I pushed, but he really gets off on me pulling his hair and manhandling him—we both get off on it. And that kiss—he practically attacked me.

What did I do wrong?

Is it regret? Because he’s not…

Shut up!
Evan squeezed his hands into fists and willed his inner voice to shut the fuck up. But the thought, dark and malignant as it was, wormed its way out of his subconscious and into the light.

He’s not gay…

Not really.

Keeping his hands spread for balance, Evan tripped backward until he hit the wall. His hands, his legs, shook—shit, he was shaking all over. A crushing weight settled on his chest. His throat closed up in despair.
Keep it together. Don’t make it hard for Jamie, don’t shame yourself begging, don’t—

“
I can’t do it, Evan.”

I know, Jamie. Forgive me—it just hurts.
Evan forced his eyes to remain open and focused on Jamie, even through the burn of unshed tears. Jamie looked as miserable as Evan felt. “It’s okay, angel,” he finally choked out.

“
I-I know you want—I just
can’t
. I can’t do it. I mean—”

“
I understand.” Truly, Evan did. Because he understood and because he cared for Jamie, he could let him go. Again. And this time, he’d do his best to make it easy for him. He’d do it honorably and truthfully and without the taste of a lie upon his lips. He’d find a way to banish that regret. He would…
do no harm.

“
Please don’t be mad at me,” Jamie whispered.

“
I’m not mad at you. Never will be. That’s ridiculous. You can’t be—you have to be what you are. I understand. I do.”

“
Yeah?” Now he just looked sad and defeated, not wary.

“
Yes.”

“
Part of me really wants to…but I just can’t give you…
that
.”

Funny thing was Evan
knew
that. Had accepted it without reservation. Winning Jamie’s kisses had been the thing that mattered, and the fact they’d never consummate their physical relationship with intercourse didn’t matter one bit anymore. It wasn’t necessary. They had great sex without going that final step. What they did together blew his mind, and he was more than satisfied with that and had no intention of asking Jamie to give more of himself.

Jamie kissed him now. That was what he’d really wanted—all he needed. But not anymore. Not if the taste of Jamie’s regret swirled about on his tongue afterward.

Killed him to think he’d just had the very last one. That he’d never kiss Jamie again.
I haven’t had enough yet—not even close. We just got started…
Hell, a lifetime of kisses wouldn’t be enough.
At least he’d savored that last perfect kiss, reveled in it and not taken it for granted…

“
Evan?”

Worry furrowed Jamie’s pale brows. Concern haunted his summer-sky eyes. “Yes, angel?”

“
Please don’t cry.”

What? He wasn’t crying, was he?

Reaching over, Jamie brushed a trail of wetness running down his cheek. Guess he was. “Don’t cry, Ev.” Gentle fingers wiped the dampness from his other cheek. “Please don’t, baby. Does it…does it matter that much to you, then?”

“
Of course it fucking matters! What do you think? That I don’t care? That I don’t have a heart to break? That the penthouse has a revolving door or something? Do you think it’s not gonna kill me when you leave me this time?”
Unbelievable.
“I can accept you changing your mind, Jamie. I can.
I do.
You can’t be anything but what you are—I know that more than you’d ever understand. I’ve lived it, that trying to be what other people want you to be—demand that you be. But that doesn’t mean it’s not gonna hurt me to lose you, and I’m not going to lie and say it won’t.”