Not Everything Brainless is Dead (14 page)

The aged ape smiled at them. “Yes, that effigy is of me in my glory days.”

“You can speak our language?” Dr. Malevolent asked suspiciously.

“Oh, I can do more than speak your language,” the shamanistic bigfoot replied as he played the air guitar on his staff like a rock god, inciting applause from Captain Rescue.

“Yeah… uh, okay,” Charlie said, “and how may we help you?”

He continued playing more air guitar on his staff. “I bring age old wisdom and knowledge.”

The bunny took a single step backwards. “Why on Earth are you doing that?”

He stopped for a moment. “I must play to the spirits to appease them so that they may help you and all life.”

As he began his air guitar solo again, Charlie said, “…and they respond well to air guitar?”

“That… or the disco dancing,” the shaman said as he placed the end of his staff firmly on the ground and pounded rhythmically. “The knowledge I bring you is of a horror approaching of undead proportions.”

“If you are referring to all the zombies… the ones like Stubbs over there,” Charlie said as he motioned to the zombie and his newfound bigfoot girlfriend, “then you’re about six hours late.”

He looked at the bunny rabbit. “Yes—well, we yeti live on the outskirts of the human world, and news travels slowly amongst us. Take for instance, we had no knowledge that rabbits as large as you existed.”

Charlie lifted off his head to reveal the human sweating underneath.

The shaman stumbled backwards in disbelief. “What strange magic is this?”

“No magic, just a suit,” he said, handing the head to the shaman, who inspected it closely, feeling its fur, and poking its eyeballs. He then slipped it over his head—a tight fit, but his chuckles hinted at his satisfaction.

Inspection complete, the shaman gave it back to Charlie and said, “The undead are just the beginning.”

“What are you getting at?” the bunny replied, shoving its head back onto its shoulders.

With a wild look in his eyes, the shaman leaned in. “A foul wind has overtaken my people, and there is much unrest.”

Charlie felt compelled to roll his eyes at the monkey from underneath his bunny head. “Why do you have to speak in riddles?”

The shaman glanced over its shoulder, making sure no one was listening in. “I’m unsure of the full extent of this plight, but something is influencing my brethren, turning them against you and your kind.”

Charlie peered at the bigfoot all around. “’Our kind’ don’t even know you exist.”

“I’m afraid that is soon to change,” the shaman said as his head sank.

The bunny shrugged. “What do you want from us?”

“Nothing at the moment, I’m just warning you. Soon, you may be called on once more.”

“Well jeez,” Charlie said, admittedly bored, “drop me an email if you have figure any of this out.”

The ape gave him a curious stare. “Email?”

“Yeah, never mind.”

The shaman scratched its head. “Well, I must go pray to the spirits so that they may watch over us.”

Charlie tried to keep from laughing underneath the bunny head. “Okay, you do that.”

The shaman headed off, but soon stopped and looked over his shoulder. “I had our cooks prepare you some food. Feel free to feast, and then rest here for the night if you wish. We set you up some cots in the building nearest the feast.”

The heroes meandered through the underground city for a few minutes, soon discovering the feast laid out for them.

Captain Rescue clapped and sprinted over to the tables. “I’m starved!”

The others followed behind him, curious what kind of food the apes ate and expected them to eat.

“Oh God,” Dr. Malevolent said and almost vomited. Many of the dishes included insects and other small critters as their primary ingredient. A large bowl sat in the center of the table filled with slithering maggots, which interested Stubbs immensely.

“Maggots!” his coarse voice said excitedly as he dug his hand into the bowl and pulled out a handful, shoving them into his mouth.

Captain Rescue watched him closely as the maggots slid down his throat and fell out the many holes along what was left of his esophagus. Finally the hero asked, “You don’t actually have to eat do you?”

Mouth stuffed, the zombie shook his head. “I sure don’t, but it’s still fun!”

Dr. Malevolent could not stand to look at the creature any longer and turned her attention back to the table. Her second investigation unearthed treats more appealing to her pallet. The bigfoot laid out a few dishes composed primarily of plant life. Dr. Malevolent had never before considered vegetarianism, but after watching a zombie shovel maggots into its face, she might convert.

As she took a plate of leaves from the table, the super villain glanced at Captain Rescue, who refused to stop staring at the zombie eating his maggots. She just rolled her eyes and shoved a handful of leaves into her mouth. Somehow, the texture and the taste both pleased her. The super villain looked next to Freight, and laughed. Within seconds, she figured out his eating habits. Freight didn’t care what he ate, or where it came from, as evidenced by the creepy crawlies that he had already chewed to bits.

She noticed Captain Rescue begin to slink away towards a corner. Once there, he dug into his utility belt, pulled out a candy bar, and opened its wrapper. Then, as if under the impression someone would take it away if caught, Captain Rescue discreetly took bites from it. Dr. Malevolent laughed to herself as an idea popped into her head.

She pointed at Captain Rescue. “What are you doing?!”

He slid the candy bar back into his utility belt. “Uh… nothing?”

“No!” Dr. Malevolent continued while trying to keep from laughing. “You had something. What is it?”

Captain Rescue hunkered down. “It was nothing… just a little snack.”

She put her hands on her waist like a stern mother. “And you were trying to keep it from the rest of us? With all we’ve been through together?”

Everyone noticed the ordeal transpiring and began to surround the two.

Captain Rescue glanced around in panic. “I’m sorry; I just don’t have enough for the rest of you! I hate plants
and
bugs!”

With her hands still on her waist, Dr. Malevolent said, “So you thought you’d hide over here in a corner while you gorged yourself?”

He frowned. “Yes.”

She shook her finger at him. “You ought to be ashamed.”

“I am! I am!” Captain Rescue took the candy bar back out of his utility belt and handed it over.

She took the chocolate treat, and then decided to take this a step further. “Now you go to bed right this second and think about what you’ve done.”

Captain Rescue stomped his foot. “Fine, if you insist!”

Dr. Malevolent crossed her arms. “I do.”

He snarled at her and stormed off towards the building of cots mentioned by the shaman earlier. Once he was out of sight, she looked at the others and curtsied.

With his head underneath his shoulder, Charlie took a moment away from his snacking and said, “You’re evil.”

She nodded. “I am good at what I do.”

He glanced at the tents. “We should all get some sleep, we have to save the world tomorrow.”

“And then next week,” Dr. Malevolent said with a smile, “I have to take it over.”

Charlie laughed as he headed towards the hovels. “That’s what you say every week.”

She huffed. “Yes, well, maybe one of these weeks you’ll pull your weight and we’ll finally get it done.”

“Don’t you dare try to blame our inability to conquer the world on me, you’re the leader of our little crime syndicate,” Charlie said as the dilapidated doorway to their sleeping shack came into view.

Dr. Malevolent laughed loudly. “Well, maybe if you spent less time dressing up as oversized bunnies and more time training, things would be different!”

“Training?! What is there to train for? You’re the one who comes up with all the cockamamie schemes. It’s not my fault they have a tendency to fail.”

They opened the door to the shack to find Captain Rescue sitting in his cot with a candy bar between his lips. He yelped and tried to hide it.

Dr. Malevolent fluffed him off hopped into a cot. “Shut up and go to bed.”

The hero growled at her and then flipped around, faced the wall, and did as told. After such a busy day, Captain Rescue fell asleep in mere seconds, and as he began to snore, Dr. Malevolent sighed and cupped her hands over her ears. The super villain watched her right hand man climb into one of the cots still wearing his bunny costume.

Despite the fact the super villain still had her lab coat on her shoulders, she laughed at Charlie. “You’re going to sleep in that thing?”

Charlie shrugged, ignoring the fact he slept in it most nights. “Seems like too much hassle not to.”

Dr. Malevolent just faced her wall as well and went to bed. And of course, Freight had no plans of sleeping. He sat there for a few minutes until the others dozed off, and then he flipped around and sat on his cot, facing the door. There was no way he’d let those dirty monkeys get a drop on him during the night. Thus, with his shotgun sitting on his shoulder, the giant man watched the doorway the entire night.

***

Dr. Malevolent awoke the next morning with Captain Rescue decreeing that the time had come for the heroes to skedaddle. While the others headed towards the tunnel, Stubbs faced his bigfoot girlfriend and said a few words that translated to something like, “Farewell, my love! I’ve got a world to save.” She seemed utterly heartbroken and buried her face in her hairy hands, and wept—probably for her benefit, since the dangers of relations with a zombie were unknown, and suffice it to say, it would have not been pretty.

As Captain Rescue came through the hole leading out of the bigfoot’s city, he found the forest much less threatening. He breathed in deep, smiled, and let the fresh forest air fill his lungs. Then, as he took in another breath, a dragonfly flew into his mouth. The cacophony of coughing that followed did not diminish his newfound respect for nature one bit. That would soon change as a low rumble echoed from off in the distance. Everyone, bigfoot included, looked at each other curiously. As another rumble shook the ground, Charlie, remembering something he saw during a movie, pulled a glass of water from his bunny pouch and placed it on a nearby tree stump. Another rumble echoed through the forest, and the water in the glass shook.

The disturbance grew ever closer, and it put everyone, even Freight, on edge. Soon, they could hear the snapping of branches and crushing of leaves. It was practically on top of them and nobody could see a thing. Then, an enormous pink foot with equally enormous talons fell from the treetops and crashed into the ground, knocking everyone off balance. Following the foot, an enormous pink head reached down and grabbed one of Dr. Malevolent’s lackeys between its jaws. All they could make out were the tiny pink arms dangling from the creature’s chest. Just as quickly as it appeared, the enormous pink Tyrannosaurus Rex ran off into the forest with its prize screaming in its mouth.

“Well…
that
was interesting,” Captain Rescue said as the pounding of the dinosaur’s feet faded away.

Charlie poked around in the footprint it left. “I don’t know what’s more fascinating: a dinosaur or that it’s pink.”

Since the hero’s couldn’t solve the case of the pink Tyrannosaurus Rex by standing around, they waved goodbye to their gracious bigfoot hosts and returned to their journey. The nearby city might have been on the brink of destruction, but the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. With arms locked together, they skipped happily through the jungle—long forgotten were the undead massing just a few miles behind them.