Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (45 page)

“What?”  She pressed.  “What’s
going on?”

“I’m noticing a distinct ‘spider’
theme to the décor here, Dove.”  He shifted on his feet, obviously expecting
that something bad was about to happen.  “While I wouldn’t yet call it
‘worrisome’… it’s definitely becoming ‘a concern.’”

“I’m the richest man in the
world!”  Din crowed, jumping up and down in crazed joy.  “
I can buy and sell
all of the people who doubted me!!!
”

“Am I the only one wondering how
we’ll even cart all of this shit out of here?”  Ryle asked no one in
particular.  “I mean, we got two guys and a blind lady, fifteen thousand feet
up a snowy mountain, which is surrounded by miles of salt desert, in the middle
of the worst kingdom in the world.”  He let out a long breath.  “We’re in for a
lot of trips if we’re just filling our fucking
pockets
with coins.” 
Ryle turned to face them, his voice louder.  “Maybe this is something you two
idiots should have thought about!”

“I hired a crew.”  Uriah defended
weakly.  “They mutinied.  Again.”

“You hired like a dozen guys!” 
Ryle stamped a foot.  “
That’s several hundred tons of gold!
”

“Planning isn’t my department!” 
Uriah shouted back.

“I didn’t expect to actually find
anything!”  Ransom shook her head.  “I’m not used to succeeding at things! 
Give me a break!  I’m new at winning!”

“I think I see it!”  Din suddenly
cried, his voice now raw.  “There it is!”  He laughed again.  “And now that I
have it, I will
crush
everyone who ever tried to keep me down!”  He
cackled in demented glee, his grip on sanity slipping.  “I will make myself a
GOD!”

“Okay,” Ryle stepped closer to
them, “wanna fill me in here?”

“My partner just led that maniac to
an unlimited source of dark magic which will instantly grant his every sadistic
whim.”  She deadpanned.  “And now we’re trapped here with him.”

Uriah shifted awkwardly.  “I’m not
going to lie,” he said calmly as he watched the scene play out in front of
them, “mistakes were made.”

She snorted at his understatement. 
“You think?  He’s going to become some kind of mass-murdering psycho, ‘Rai.  He
said as much.”

Her partner scoffed at the suggestion. 
“That’s just conjecture.” 

“No, it really isn’t.”  She pointed
at their client, to draw her partner’s attention to the man’s ranting.

“I will burn the armies of the
world!”  Din continued, pacing back and forth, too excited by his own cruelty
to sit still.  “And I’ll finally show that doddering old bitch that I’m the one
with REAL power!”

“You already killed her.”  Ryle
reminded him matter-of-factly.  “So, I think she got that message already, man.”

Din ignored him, continuing to
babble his plans for his new role of world destroyer.

“I could be wrong,” Uriah sounded
like he was coming to a hard realization, “but I don’t believe that our dear
client’s intentions are entirely honorable.”

“No shit.”  She deadpanned.

“I think he fully intends to do
something nefarious with that lamp.”

“Yeah.”  She nodded her head. 
“‘Cause he’s batshit fucking crazy, Uriah.”

“I think you exaggerate.”  He
scoffed again.

“He’s batshit fucking crazy,
Uriah.”  Ryle agreed.

“Okay.  Yeah, okay, he is.”  Uriah admitted,
then let out a tired sigh.  “One day, I hope to be hired by someone who isn’t
crazy or evil.  Just once.”

“Seems like it’s usually
both
with you two.”  Ryle agreed.

“Told you we should have killed
him.”  Ransom reminded her partner.

“The Swab?”  Uriah asked.  “Or
Din?”

“Either and both.”

“You always say that!”  He threw
his arms out in exasperation.  “Every time, that’s your advice.”

“And it’s always right, isn’t
it!?!”

“You’re a pessimist, that’s your
problem, Ransom.”  He sounded pouty now.  “You’re incapable of giving people
the benefit of the doubt.”

She gasped in sheer indignation. 
“’The benefit of the doubt’ just leads to evil genies being released inside ‘Spider
Mountain,’ Uriah!”

“Oh, this is an isolated
incident.”  Her partner sniffed, feeling insulted.  “Stop trying to make it
seem like something else.”

“Life with you is one catastrophic
‘isolated incident’ after another, all of which seem to be connected.”

“I’m just not even going to talk to
you anymore.”  Uriah decided.  “You’re just some blind Adithian princess
talking to herself right now, because no one here is listening to your toxic
naysaying.  We’ll just sit here and wait in silence for the giant spiders to
eat us.”

“If you’re not going to listen to
her tell you that this is your fault anymore, can I please have my turn?”  Ryle
volunteered.  “Because
this is
all your fault
.”

“You haven’t earned the right to
point out my mistakes yet.”  Uriah informed him.  “It requires facing death
at
least
four times due to my negligence before you’re allowed to
participate.”

“But I’m not going to have another
opportunity!  Because we are so tremendously fucked.”  Ryle argued.  “Like… to
never before seen levels of fuckitude.  Magically endowed, spider-powered, icy,
subterranean fuckitude.”

Ransom frowned and began counting
off on her fingers.  “There’s the kidnapping in Cormoran, the time you turned
him over the Baselanders, the
second
kidnapping in Cormoran, the fact
the Adithians kidnapped him and sent an unkillable warrior after him, you got
him in a shipwreck, got him lost in the Wasteland and kidnapped by the
Wastelanders, and now you’ve trapped him on this mountain with a madman.” 
Ransom shrugged.  “Sorry, ‘Rai.  I think the Swab has reached your minimum
required number of times you’ve almost killed him and earned the right to call
you an idiot.”

“Damn straight!”  Ryle agreed.  “My
sister is going to be like: ‘What was Ryle even
doing
there?  Why was he
attacked by an evil genie and giant spiders?  He hates spiders!’”

“What, implying that anyone
loves
giant spiders?”  Uriah asked.

“Or that he might
not
hate
evil genies.”  Ransom added.

“Well,
I
don’t hate evil
genies.”  Uriah sounded as if he thought himself defending the race against
rampant and unjustifiable prejudice.  “Provided they’re doing my bidding and
not someone else’s.”

“If they’re doing
your
bidding, why would it be evil?”  Ryle sounded confused.

“Have you
met
this man?” 
She laughed, pointing at her partner with her thumb.  “This sinister
motherfucker can somehow even make a
hairstyle
evil.”

Uriah chuckled in amusement.

“Pirates!”  Din yelled, like he was
summoning his pets.  “Fetch my prize!”

Uriah was only too happy to go be
the first one to claim the lamp.  And once her partner had it in his grasp,
there was absolutely
no way
he was ever going to hand it over to their
client.

Ransom, as ever, was far more
cautious.  “Uriah?”  She grabbed his arm before he could make his way across
the narrow path over the void towards the lamp and the treasure.  “If my
ancestors really had a magic lamp which could grant their every wish, why would
they seal it way the hell out here?”  She whispered urgently.  “On the border
of the Wasteland and the Grizzwood?  Why wouldn’t they use it to kill their
enemies?”

“I’ve researched genies and lamps
for years, Dove.  I’ve prepared for this.  I
know
it’s real.”

“Even if it is or was—which I still
doubt-- they didn’t use it to save themselves.”  She didn’t let go of him. 
“Which means maybe they knew something about it that we
don’t
.”  She
shook her head.  “And, not to state the obvious, but do my people
really
seem like they’d just put the lamp out for anyone to grab?  Front and center in
the treasure room?”  She arched a meaningful eyebrow.  “Or do we seem like the
kind of sadistic fucks who would put an utterly fake lamp out there as one last
booby-trap?  Because I
know
that’s what I would have done.”

Her partner paused.  “That’s…
that’s an excellent point.”  He swallowed.  “Make the call.”

“No.”  She shook her head again. 
“It doesn’t smell right.”

“Did you hear me!?!”  Din screamed
at them.  “I told you to go get my prize!”

Uriah gave the man a dismissive
snort.  “Fuck you.”

“You’re challenging a god!”  Din
cried indignantly.  “That will be my first wish!  Godhood!”

Uriah snorted again, entirely
unimpressed.  “Fuck the gods.”

“I’m wishing for a mermaid.”  Ryle
decided as if having given the matter serious thought.  “I like mermaids.”

Uriah repeated his contemptuous
snort.  “Fuck mermaids.”

“Yep, that’s the plan.”  Ryle
agreed, sounding like he was smiling broadly.

“Fine!”  Din shouted at them, his
voice had an extra tinge to it, like he was genuinely hurt by their betrayal. 
“I’ll just go get it myself!”

Uriah was quiet for a moment. 
“Swab?  Go start loading up our gold.  We’ll take what’s upstairs.  That’s
enough.”

“Loading it onto what?”  Ryle
scoffed.  “We don’t have a sled, horse or carriage.  Hell, you barely have
shoes
.”

“Improvise.”  Uriah snapped.

“And what are you going to do?”

Her partner’s tone darkened.  “What
I
came
to do.”

The boy retreated back through the
cavern to start gathering up the more easily obtainable loot from the chamber
above them rather than the much larger mountain of gold on the other side of
the cavern.

“I’m going to go kill our client
now.”  Uriah told her softly.  “You okay with that?”

“I’ve been okay with that from the
moment we met him.”  She stepped closer to her partner.  “If he’s on the
pathway,
don’t
follow him.  It could be a trap.  I think it’ll be easier
to just wait about thirty seconds and let this place kill him for you.”

“Oh, but my way would be so much
more fun.”  Uriah teased.

“When I get that lamp, I’ll make you
all sorry!”  Din threatened, his voice breaking and making it sound like he was
about to start crying.  “You’ll see!”

“The little fellow is scampering the
rest of the way across the pathway now, Dove.”  Uriah informed her.  “Jeez,
look at him go.” 

“So much stupidity, done with such
precision.”

“He takes idiocy to the point of
performance art, Dove.”  Uriah observed.  “I don’t know whether to weep or
applaud.”

It sounded like rocks crumbled on
the path, followed by Din’s startled cry.

“Whoops.”  Uriah raised his voice. 
“Almost there!  Don’t lose heart!”  He leaned closer to her.  “You know?  I
don’t like him… but he tries so hard.”

“He does, he really does.”  She
nodded.

“It’s almost inspirational.”

“Gives hope to dumbasses
everywhere.”

“He’s made it across.”  Uriah
informed her calmly.  “Which, to be honest, is farther than I thought he’s
get.”

“I’m going to take this lamp and
make you all sorry!”  Din threatened again, still having a slight whimper at
the end.  Ransom wasn’t entirely certain if that was caused by sense of
betrayal or his mania, but either way, it was creepy.  “
How does it feel to
know you’re about to be the first to die at the hands of this world’s newest
and most powerful god!
”

“I, for one, am certainly
experiencing the dread of the rapidly approaching ass-kickery, yes.”  Uriah
paused.  “Or I might just be ‘sleepy.’  It’s hard to tell for sure.”  Uriah
looked down at her.  “Dove?  What are
you
feeling?”

“Hostile apathy.”  She informed him
unemotionally.

“If you’re wrong about this, he’s going
to use his newfound genie friend to burn us to ash, you know.”  He whispered.

She waved off his concern.  “Just
wait.”

“YOU’LL PAY!”  Din screamed at
them, his voice going up an octave at the end.  “NO ONE CAN STOP ME!”

“He’s got the lamp.”  Uriah reported
to her.  “Should we start to run?  Because in…”

A strange noise filled the cavern:
a mechanical clicking, followed by… skittering.

“What…?”  Din wondered aloud. 
“What’s happening?”

“Well, not to rub it in that I was
correct, but that
doesn’t
sound like an squid.”  Uriah called to him.

Din started to reply, but whatever
it was he’d been about to say was lost to the noise of millions of creatures
moving around in the space, crawling over everything and filling the air with
the horrible sound of moving legs and gnashing teeth.

Din started screaming hysterically,
crying for help.

“The ‘decorative’ spiders are
carrying our client away, Dove.”  He told her calmly.  “He’s really putting up
a struggle though, I must say.  But, obviously, they
are
bugs, so I suppose
we can’t be
too
impressed with how many of them he can try to step on.”

A new sound echoed through the
space: the breaking of glass, followed by what could only be described as a
roar. 

“Aaaaaand now there’s a big one. 
It just sort of leapt out of the gemstone mural.  It was pretty cool, actually.” 
Uriah continued his play-by-play of the action for her.  “Our client is trying
to get away…”  Uriah raised his voice.  “That’s no way for my new god to
behave, Din!  You’ve got worshippers to impress!”  Uriah chastised.  “This kind
of performance is a black mark on the career of any fledging supreme being!” 
He chuckled at his own joke, then continued to explain what was happening. 
“Oop… it got him.”

“That was quick.”

“I bet the old lady would have lasted
longer.”  Uriah agreed.  “She was a fighter.”

Din’s screaming continued as he
thrashed his arms and legs, trying to escape the giant spider’s clutches.