No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (24 page)

“You must be Daniel,” said the woman on reception.

“And you must be the ever-charming Audrey who has made my life hell for the last few hours by having a door policy harsher than Heaven.”

“Well God spots the sinners and I spot the over-hyped birthing partners,” said Audrey.

“God? What has God got to do with it?”

“You said it’s easier to get into Heaven.”

“I think she thinks you mean the holy Heaven. Not London nightclub Heaven,” interrupted Katy.

“I see. I forgot there was another Heaven. Look Audrey. Get us the best room in the house and we’ll call it a truce shall we.”

“Name,” barked Audrey.

“Daniel Laker.”

“Not yours, hers,” said Audrey without looking up.

“Katy Chapman,” said Katy. “Is the birthing pool room free? I’ll try anything at this point and I promise to keep him under control.”

“Follow Nurse Brady here and she’ll check for you. Enjoy,” she smiled sweetly at Daniel.

“Birthing pool? What do you mean birthing pool?” Daniel whispered loudly as they trotted after Nurse Brady.

“It’s supposed to be good for pain relief,” replied Katy.

“Looks like you’re in luck,” said Nurse Brady after she had peered round a door. “Come on in.”

Daniel stood in the middle of the large, very well illuminated room and visibly paled.

“What is that? A baby elephant bath? Are we at the zoo?” he exclaimed.

“Daniel, just chill will you. That is hopefully going to stop me screaming blue murder every five minutes.”

“Why? Is it full of tequila?”

“You settle yourselves in,” said Nurse Brady. “I’ll be back in five minutes to do an internal and see how we are getting on.”

“Say why don’t I go grab us some Starbucks whilst you get all the weird stuff over and done with,” said Daniel, already starting to feel a little faint. “A latte will do you the world of good.”

“I don’t think the Starbucks roll-out program has hit hospitals yet Daniel.”

“I can but dream Katy, I can but dream. Dishwater in polystyrene it is then.”

“If you can find me a bacon butty I might let you look away during the gory bits.”

“Promises, promises. Now you keep an eye on that Nurse Brady, she looked a bit fresh to me. No probing for too long tell her.”

“You really know how to make this whole thing special, you know that Daniel?”

“Just trying to do my job girl. I’ll be back in ten.”

8.15am

“Why are you here? Is Katy here? Daniel, wake up, wake up now?” said a far away voice.

“What the hell. Where am I? What’s going on?” mumbled Daniel, slowly raising his head from the cafeteria table that he had dozed off on.

“You’re at the hospital and it’s me Matthew. What are you doing here?” asked Matthew.

“Matthew? Matthew? Oh fucking hell, Matthew. No it’s not you is it? I’m still asleep and this is some kind of twisted nightmare.”

“No Daniel. It is me Matthew.”

“Who called you?”

“No-one.”

“So why are you here?”

“Because Alison started to have some pains in the night. Not labour or anything but they want to keep her in on bed rest for a few days just to be sure.”

“I see. So no-one called you,” Daniel asked again.

“No, why would they? Are you awake yet? You’re not making any sense?”

Daniel glanced at his watch.

“Is that the time? Must go,” he said, getting up from his chair.

“No stop, hold on a minute. You’re here with Katy aren’t you? Look just tell me she’s alright, please?”

“She’s fine but I’ve got to go, she’s waiting for me.”

“Oh my God she’s in labour isn’t she?” said a shocked Matthew. “But she’s not due for another two weeks. Where is she? I have to see if she’s alright. Tell me where she is?”

“No. You just stay right here,” said Daniel, suddenly fully awake.

“You don’t understand, I’ve got to see her. I saw her yesterday and I need to explain. I need to sort things out with her.”

“Oh no you don’t. She is going through enough right now without you complicating it yet again. Just drop it OK for everyone’s sake.”

“I can’t just drop it you idiot. It’s Katy and she might be having my baby. How can you tell me to just drop it?”

“Because you’re not going to be the one to be left to pick up the pieces when you screw it all up again. Listen to me. Let it go. It’s what is best for everyone, you know that,” said Daniel.

“If you won’t tell me where she is then I’ll go and find her myself,” Matthew said as he turned and marched towards the door.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” said Daniel, hitting his head on the table. He reached inside his pocket for Katy’s phone and dialled Braindead’s number.

“We’re just coming into Leeds now. The relief crew is on its way,” came a too-cheerful voice.

“Look Braindead we have a potential hostile takeover emerging. The other father has arrived. When you get to the station get in a cab and tell him to drive very, very fast. Have you got that? I’ll be waiting for you at the entrance. You have no time to lose,” said Daniel.

“Right you are. Don’t you worry; no-one is taking our main player. Not without a fight.”

“That’s the spirit. Now just get here as quick as you can.”

Chapter 22

8.40am

“Just hold on a minute, we’re nearly done,” came Katy’s voice from behind a curtain as Matthew entered the room having already interrupted two other labouring women in his quest to find Katy.

“Looks like you won’t have time to go home and get your swimming trunks, I’m eight centimetres already,” said Katy as the nurse threw back the dividing curtain.

“What the… oh God, here it comes again,” said Katy.

“It’s OK love, just breathe easy,” said the nurse, putting the gas mask over her mouth before looking up to see Matthew hovering by the door. She did a double take.

“Who are you? Are you supposed to be here?” she asked looking between Matthew and Katy.

“Yes,” said Matthew quickly. “Yes I am. I’m sort of the father.”

“Sort of?” she enquired.

“Long story,” he said before walking over to stand next to the bed. “Here, hold my hand Katy. It’ll be alright I promise. I’ll stay with her now,” he said to the nurse.

Katy shook her head vigorously form behind the mask and grabbed the nurse’s arm.

“She doesn’t seem too happy about that,” said the nurse. “Perhaps you should step outside until she’s calmed down a bit?”

“But I need to talk to her,” said Matthew.

Katy let out a heart wrenching moan.

“What about? Being a sort of father?” asked the nurse with raised eyebrows.

“Where is he? I’ll kill him,” gasped Katy who had evidently finished her contraction. She started to try and get up.

“You are going nowhere lady. Just sit down,” said the nurse.

“The bastard. I knew I couldn’t trust him. He called you didn’t he, just so he could get out of seeing me give birth. The pathetic little bastard.”

“If you mean Daniel, no he didn’t call. I just happened to see him in the hospital restaurant.”

“In the restaurant? So you just happened to be in there did you? Yeah right. I may be in labour but I’m not stupid you know?”

“No Katy, I did. Alison was admitted last night on bed rest. I’d just gone to get a coffee before going to work.”

“Alison?” asked the nurse.

“My wife,” replied Matthew.

“I see. That sort of father,” said the nurse.

“No, I don’t think you do see. I am not that sort of father at all. I am only a sort of father because; well because she doesn’t know who the father is.”

Katy took a sharp breath and the nurse raised her eyebrows even higher.

“He makes it sound like it’s me who is the bad person but it isn’t. His wife is expecting twins any day and that makes him much worse than me,” Katy bit back.

“So it’s like that,” said the nurse, gently backing away. “Tell you what I am going to do. I am going to leave you for ten minutes to have a little chat about things, then I am going to come back in and you tell me whether he’s staying. Ten minutes and that’s it.”

“We have nothing to say after yesterday,” declared Katy after the door had swung shut behind the nurse. “And in case you hadn’t noticed I am in labour so hardly in any fit state to talk to you again.”

“How does it feel?” asked Matthew.

“Oh yankee doodle dandy. I have Mr. Gay UK as my highly inept birthing partner and I have never known pain like it. How do you think it feels?”

“Well I actually meant how does it feel to know that you are about to see your child?”

“Oh marvellous. Something to really look forward to. As if I’m not on a big enough guilt trip as it is, soon there will be two little eyes peeping at me wanting to know where its daddy is and instead it will have Daniel insisting it is cleaned and dressed in designer baby gear before he even touches it.”

“Katy, it’s going to be OK, I promise you,” said Matthew.

“Just shut up with that rubbish and give me that gas mask. Another one’s coming.”

“Right, right. Here you go, now breathe in, is that better?” asked Matthew, looking around frantically. “Look I have this with me. This might help.” He bent over and pulled a book out of his briefcase entitled
Childbirth Without Fear
.

“I believe the recommended chapter is this one. Let me find it. Here we go,
Factors Predisposing to Low Threshold of Pain Interpretation
. Shall I read some to you?”

Katy’s hand flew in the air knocking the book clean out of Matthew’s shaking grasp. She howled again at him from behind the mask.

“Bit late for that perhaps,” he said. “What should I do?” he asked her.

She screamed even louder.

“Oh Katy it is going to be alright, really,” he said, trying to put his arm around her. His hands were clammy and he felt short of breath as nerves took control of his body. He knew he was panicking. Time to calm down and do what he needed to do he decided. “Listen Katy, I was up all last night thinking. I was so upset to leave you in that state yesterday. And well you see I have a plan.” Matthew cleared his throat. “So we wait a year,” he said giving Katy a nervous look before continuing. “I think we have to because I can’t leave Alison now. Everyone says that the first year is the worst so I think I owe her that at least. But I will find a way of still seeing you and of course I will help financially. It’ll be tough but…”

Matthew was interrupted by Katy letting out an enormous scream.

“Oh is it coming? Keep breathing Katy; just keep taking that gas in. So anyway as I was saying, it’ll be tough but I reckon I can start doing some private financial consultancy on the side, you wouldn’t believe the demand for it, so that should just about keep our heads above water.”

Katy screamed again. Matthew waited patiently until the noise had abated.

“So this time next year I figure Alison will be just about able to cope and my plan is that I’ll be earning enough to afford a nanny to help her. And of course I will need to see the twins as much as possible so we would need to buy a big house so we can fit everyone in at weekends.”

Another yowl from Katy. By now her eyes were as big as saucers and she was panting heavily.

“So you see we could do it Katy,” he said. “We don’t have to be apart. It won’t be nice for a while admittedly but it’s possible, don’t you see? We could be together. You don’t have to be alone.”

Katy was starting to quieten down as her contraction eased. However she held onto the gas mask for grim death, still breathing in heavily and staring at Matthew.

I am getting this so wrong, thought Matthew. In desperation he tried a change of tack.

“Look Katy it’s you I want. I’ve spent all night thinking about it. I look at my life with Alison and just see a future of, well, bloody hard work to be honest. You’ve seen her. She’s turned into some kind of hyper paranoid, control freak. She is not the woman I married and I can’t cope with it. I just don’t know what to do to make her happy anymore. She doesn’t need me. She’s about to get her kids and that’s all she has ever wanted. And I see you, and I swear, I just want to take you in my arms and take care of you. I know I can make you happy Katy, really I do. And we’d have so much fun I know we would. I can give you what you need if you will just give me the chance.”

Matthew paused to let Katy speak but she continued to breathe in the gas as though her life depended on it.

“So you see it could all be for the best, honestly. Alison gets the kids which are all she really wants and we get to be together again, just as we should be. What do you say? Are you able to speak now? Has the pain gone?”

Also at 8.40am

“Don’t you dare not bring him here Braindead,” Daniel shouted down his phone as he paced up and down outside the main entrance to the hospital. “I don’t care what he’s saying, he’s come this far and now he has to go and see that baby born. There is no way I’m going back in that room. There is way too much female nudity and intimate interaction going on for my liking.”

“No I will not give you more details or take pictures. Just tell him to get some damn fucking balls will you and stop being so pathetic. Look I’ll make it worth your while if you just get him to the hospital door,” Daniel bellowed. “What do you want? Tell me, anything. Just get him here.”

“Yes I do have friends who are models, very good friends actually.”

“You want a date with a model? I’m not sure I could do that to a friend,” he continued.

“Yes I know I said anything but I can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do can I?”

“OK, OK, I’ll see what I can do. But date doesn’t mean sex Braindead, do you understand?”

“Yes, I guess on some far off planet she might fancy you but I’m just telling you that I am not a pimp. Date means dinner. That’s it OK?”

“Yes of course you will have to pay for dinner.

“Right. Enough. If you tell me you have told the taxi driver to come here I’ll throw in dinner as well.”

Daniel terminated the call and sank down on a bench. He noticed that a female nurse in her fifties was sitting at the other end staring at him.

“It’s a very long story,” he smiled through clenched teeth. “I am just the fairy godmother trying to bring two young people together.”