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No More Mr. Nice Guy!
NO MORE
MR. NICE GUY!
A Proven Plan for Getting
What You Want
In Love, Sex and Life
Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2000 by Robert A. Glover
This edition published by Barnes & Noble Digital, by arrangement with Robert A. Glover All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher.
2001 Barnes & Noble Digital
ISBN 1-4014-0001-9
The men and women described in this book are real.
Names and circumstances have been changed to protect the confidentiality of each individual.
Additional resources for recovering Nice Guys are available at
www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com
Dedication And Appreciation
This book is dedicated to Elizabeth. You are my partner, my muse, and my best friend. If not for you, I would still be a hopelessly clueless Nice Guy. You are truly a gift from God. Thank you.
For David, Jamie, Steve, and Grant. You are the greatest kids a parent could want. You are each so different and unique that you make parenting a never-ending joy. Thank you for all the times you asked,
"When are you going to finish your book?" Don't ever stop being just who you are.
For the countless men and women who have invited me into the most personal areas of their lives. I have written this book for you. Thank you for your input and support in writing
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
Especially for all the men who have been a part of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's groups. You will never know how much being a part of your lives and has changed my own life. Thank you.
For Dr. Anne Hastings. Your wisdom and insight can be found on every page of this book. You have helped me believe that it is OK for me to be who I am, just as I am. Thank you.
For Debby Duvall. Your editorial skills have covered a multitude of my sins. Thank you for helping make this a better book.
Table Of Contents
Chapter One
The Nice Guy Syndrome
Chapter Two
The Making Of A Nice Guy
Chapter Three
Learn To Please The Only Person Who Really Matters
Chapter Four
Make Your Needs A Priority
Chapter Five
Reclaim Your Personal Power
Get The Love You Want: Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships
Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex
Chapter Nine
Get the Life You Want: Discover Your Passion And Potential In Life, Work, And
Introduction
Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others.
I call these men
Nice Guys
.
Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell,
Nice Guys believe that if they
are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.
Sound too good to be true?
It is.
Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. This frustration is due to the fact that
Nice Guys
have believed a myth.
This myth is the essence of what I call the
Nice Guy Syndrome.
The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life.
When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results — as it often does — Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.
The concept of the Nice Guy Syndrome grew out of my own frustration of trying to do it "right," yet never getting back what I believed I deserved. I was the typical "sensitive new age guy" — and proud of it. I believed I was one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. Yet I wasn't happy.
As I began exploring my own Nice Guy behaviors — caretaking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes — I started noticing numerous men with similar traits in my counseling practice. It dawned on me that the script guiding my own life was not an isolated incident, but the product of a social dynamic that affected countless adult males.
Up until now, no one has taken the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome seriously or offered an effective solution. This is why I wrote
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
This book shows Nice Guys how to stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in love
and life.
The information presented in
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
represents a proven plan to help passively pleasing men break free from the ineffective patterns of the Nice Guy Syndrome. It is based on my own experience of recovery and my work with countless Nice Guys over the last twenty years.
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
is unashamedly pro-male. Nevertheless, I have had countless women support the writing of this book. Women who read the book regularly tell me that it not only helps them better understand their Nice Guy partner, it also helps them gain new insights about themselves.
The information and tools presented in
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
work.
If you are a frustrated Nice Guy, the principles presented in the following pages will change your life. You will:
●
Learn effective ways to get your needs met.
●
Begin to feel more powerful and confident.
●
Create the kind of intimate relationships you really want.
●
Learn to express your feelings and emotions.
●
Have a fulfilling and exciting sex life.
●
Embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relationships with men.
●
Live up to your potential and become truly creative and productive.
●
Accept yourself just as you are.
If the above traits sound good to you, your journey of breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome has just begun. It is time to stop seeking approval and start getting what you want in love and life.
Chapter
The Nice Guy
Syndrome
"I'm a Nice Guy. I'm one of the nicest guys you're ever going to meet."
Jason, a chiropractor in his mid-thirties, began his first session of individual therapy with this introduction. Jason described his life as "perfect" — except for one major problem — his sex life. It had been several months since he and his wife Heather had been sexual and it didn't look like anything was going to change soon.
Jason spoke openly about his marriage, his family, and his sexuality. An affable man, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk about himself and his life.
More than anything, Jason wanted to be liked. He saw himself as a very generous, giving person. He prided himself on not having many ups and downs and for never losing his temper. He revealed that he liked to make people happy and that he hated conflict. To avoid rocking the boat with his wife, he tended to hold back his feelings and tried to do everything "right."
After this introduction, Jason took a piece of paper out of his pocket and began to unfold it. While doing so, he stated that he had written a few things down so he wouldn't forget them.
"I can never do it right," Jason began, looking over his list. "No matter how hard I try, Heather always finds something wrong. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I try to be a good husband and father, but it's never good enough."
Jason paused as he looked over his list.
"This morning is a good example," he continued. "While Heather was getting ready for work, I got our baby Chelsie up, fed her breakfast, gave her a bath. I had her all ready to go and was about to get ready myself. Then Heather walked in and got that look on her face. I knew I was in trouble."
"'Why'd you dress her in that? That's a
good
outfit.'" Jason mimicked his wife's tone. "I didn't know she wanted Chelsie to wear something different. After everything I did to get her ready this morning, it was still wrong."
"Here's another example," Jason continued, "the other day I cleaned the kitchen and did a real good job.
I loaded the dishwasher, did the pots and pans, and swept the floor. I thought Heather would really appreciate all that I was doing to help out. Before I was finished, she walked in and asked, 'How come you didn't wipe off the counters?' I wasn't even done, for goodness sake. But instead of noticing all that I had done and thanking me, she focused on the one thing I hadn't finished yet."
"Then there is the 'sex thing,'" Jason continued. "We only messed around a few times before we got married because we're both Christians. Sex is real important to me, but Heather just isn't interested. I thought once you got married, everything was supposed to be great. After all I do for Heather, you'd think she be willing to give me the one thing I really want."
"I do a lot more than most guys. It seems like I'm always giving so much more than I get." Now, looking like a little boy on the couch, Jason pleaded, "All I want is to be loved and appreciated. Is that too much to ask?"
Some Of The Nicest Guys You Will Ever Meet
Men like Jason walk into my office on a surprisingly regular basis. These guys come in all shapes and sizes yet they all have the same basic world view. Let me introduce you to a few more.
Omar
Omar's number one goal in life is to please his girlfriend. Nevertheless, she complains that he is never emotionally available for her. In fact, every one of his previous girlfriends has had the same complaint.
Since Omar sees himself as such a giver, he can't understand these accusations. Omar states that his greatest joy in life is making other people happy. He even carries a pager so his friends can get in touch with him if they need anything.
Todd
Todd prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect. He believes these traits set him apart from other men and should attract women to him. Though he has many female friends, he rarely dates.
The women he knows tell him what a great listener he is and often call him to share their problems. He likes feeling needed. These female friends constantly tell him what a great "catch" he will make for some lucky woman. In spite of the way he treats women, he can't understand why they all seem to be attracted to jerks, rather than Nice Guys like him.