When Suzy looked away, an awkward silence
settled over their table. Emma was afraid that she had offended her. “Suzy, I didn’t mean anything bad by that. You know I love Beth, Claire and Ella.”
Suzy took a deep breath and then ran a hand through her long hair. “It’s not that,” she said quietly. “It’s just . . . I do . . . have babies on the brain.”
Shocked, Emma sat back in her seat with a thud. “Are you pregnant?” That question only seemed to upset her friend further, and she was clueless as to what was going on. Was this an unwanted pregnancy?
“I’m not pregnant. Please don’t mention this to the others.”
Emma took her hand and said, “You can talk to me. I would never repeat anything you tell me in confidence.”
“Gray and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. I know I don’t seem like much of a kid person, but you have to understand that was how I was raised.” Emma knew from previous conversations that Suzy and Beth were not particularly close to their parents, who were more committed to their jobs than to their daughters. They had been particularly critical of Beth due to the weight problem she had fought for years.
“I think you’ll be a great mother. You would have the coolest kid on the block for sure.”
“I thought it would be so easy,” Suzy continued. “Everyone around us seemed to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. But each month I stare at that white stick, waiting to see two pink lines. I have grown to hate that
damned thing as month after month, there is only one freaking pink line.”
Emma squeezed her friend’s hand tighter. “Oh Suzy, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. All of these babies and pregnancies around you must be hell for you right now.”
“Yeah, and I feel like shit over it. I just let them assume I don’t like or want kids because it’s easier than explaining that I can’t get pregnant. I’m happy for everyone, but I feel like such a failure. Why is it easy for them and not for me? The worst part is seeing the disappointment on Gray’s face every month. He tries to hide it, and he’s always encouraging, saying just the right thing, but I know he wonders the same thing. Why not us? Don’t
we
deserve to be parents?”
The longing in Suzy’s voice made Emma’s own eyes fill with tears. “Of course you deserve it. Have you talked to your doctor? Aren’t there some medications that you can take to, you know, jump-start things?”
“Yes, there are other things we can try. We have another appointment next week with the reproductive doctor. They say that medically there is no reason that we aren’t, you know, making a baby. Next we’re going to try a procedure called an intrauterine insemination. That’s a fancy way of saying they are going to help the swimmers in case they are blind or lazy. Poor Gray just got over the anxiety of worrying about his sperm count when they mentioned the term ‘lazy swimmers.’ He looked at me when we came out of the appointment and said, ‘My boys are getting fucked over.’”
Emma laughed. It was hard to imagine a man like
Gray worrying about anything concerning his body, much less his sperm potency, but hey, everyone had problems. “I guess you guys have tried all of those different baby-making positions, right?”
Suzy shuddered. “Ugh, we’ve had so much sex in the last six months that my vagina is threatening to strike if we don’t take a day off. We’ve even gone home during lunch to do the mambo when I’m ovulating.”
Impressed, Emma asked, “You know when you’re ovulating?”
“Oh, honey, they make a test to tell you everything now. When that sucker gives us the green light, we go at it like jackrabbits for the next several days. Some men might crack under that kind of pressure, but Gray can perform anytime, anywhere, without fail.”
“I already hate you, bitch; must you keep making it worse?” Emma tried to joke to lighten the mood.
“You know, you’re kind of cranky today,” Suzy said. “Are the batteries dead in your vibrator again? One word,
rechargeables
.”
“My batteries are fine. I just have a wicked case of PMS, and my boss is a turd.” Emma was happy to see Suzy joking around after looking so upset earlier.
“You know,” Suzy began, “I hate to be the one to point this out
again
, but Brant is kind of a stud. I’ll grant you, he’s all over the place personality-wise, but in the ass department, he has got it going on. You could bounce a quarter off those firm cheeks of his.”
“My God, Suzy, no! Stay away from the light! Just hang on; I’ll call nine-one-one and get help for you right
away. Do you feel dizzy? How do you treat a stroke brought on by bad taste in men?”
Suzy roared, causing heads all around the deli to turn in their direction. “Honey, my taste is just fine. Everyone else agrees with me. If you guys would just have angry office sex, you would both feel better. He works so much that I bet he hasn’t gotten laid in ages. A bad case of blue balls will make a man cranky as hell.”
Emma dropped her head in her hands. “You did not just say that. My lunch is about to climb back up my throat. Ugh! It’s hard enough to work with Mr. Sunshine without thinking of him with ball issues or even worse, having sex with him. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!”
Suzy raised an eyebrow, clearly skeptical over her denial. “Never say never, my friend. I pretty much said the same thing about Gray, and then I went and married him. He seemed just as uptight as Brant in the beginning, but nothing could be further from the truth.”
“That’s not the only problem Brant has, though,” Emma protested. “He annoys me in so many ways that I spend part of every day fantasizing about ways to kill him and dispose of his body so I don’t get caught. This is bad, but I’ve even wished he didn’t have a brother or sister so there would be no one to miss him if he did disappear.”
Suzy gave her an admiring look. “You’re kind of a scary person sometimes, Em, but I like it. I had a few thoughts of choking Gray in the beginning, too, but
never seriously pondered ways to hide his body.” Pointing to the to-go box on their table, she added, “That’s probably cold and soggy by now. I told you to order it after we were finished.”
Emma gave her friend an evil smile and said, “People who don’t get their own lunch don’t have much say in how their food arrives. He’ll just send me down the hall to the microwave anyway.”
“Knock, knock.” Looking up, Brant was surprised to see his sister, Ava, standing in the doorway. “Where’s Emma? You didn’t run her off, did you?”
“No such luck. She’s gone on one of her usual long lunches. She should be back in about three hours, give or take a few minutes.” When Ava settled into one of the chairs facing him, he knew this wasn’t just casual chitchat. Ava was more of a pacer and she generally got right to the point. The fact that she seemed nervous made his stomach roll. It was his job as her older brother to worry about her.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, unable to hide the concern in his voice.
Ava sighed. “It’s Alexia.”
He looked at her blankly for a moment. There hadn’t been any mention of that name in a couple of years, and it hit him hard to hear it now. Had something happened to her? Almost afraid to ask, he said, “What about her?”
“She’s getting married, Brant.”
For a moment, he was back to that day two years
ago when his world was rocked to its foundation. Alexia Shaw had been the daughter of a business associate. They had met at a party, and he had immediately been drawn to the shy beauty. After spending years avoiding any serious involvement with the opposite sex, he was officially smitten. Alexia had been homeschooled and a naive twenty-one-year-old when they met. They had started out as friends, but after the first few months things had progressed quickly and they had sex for the first time.
Alexia had brought out a softer, more relaxed side of him that he showed very few people. After dating for a year, he had proposed and she had tearfully accepted. Their wedding was three months away when she made a new friend at the office, Josie. At first, he was glad. Her family had been so protective that she didn’t have any close friends, and he thought it would be good for her.
Things had started off innocently enough: a movie here and there or a shopping trip. Unfortunately, under Josie’s tutelage, things progressed into trips to clubs, bars and God knows what else. Suddenly, his sweet Alexia was staying out all night or coming to his apartment drunk so that her parents wouldn’t know. Sometimes he would go for days without hearing from her. She stopped returning calls and when he did catch her, she was vague and distant. Of course he had tried talking to her, but she didn’t seem to care about his feelings.
Things came to a head one evening. Several times
during dinner, she had texted someone. When he asked, she said that it was Josie. She excused herself near the end of the meal to use the restroom. He quickly paid the check, more than ready to leave. He saw Alexia propped against the wall outside the bathroom talking on her phone. As he approached her quietly from behind, he heard enough to know that she was talking to a man. The sexual elements of the conversation were still seared in his head to this day. She finished the call and turned around. He saw a momentary flash of guilt before her expression turned defiant. He motioned her in front of him and they walked outside. When they neared his car, she whirled around, almost shouting, “Go ahead, say something!” When he just looked at her in shock over the scene unfolding, she sneered. “Ohhh no, Brant Stone would never air his dirty laundry in public. What would it take,
honey
, for you to lose control?”
He had put his hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down. But her eyes were wild and her movements jerky. “Alexia, take it easy.”
Her laughter was shrill enough to make his hair stand on end. “I think you’re calm enough for both of us. I’ve had to live like that my whole life, and I don’t want to do it anymore.” Brant was even more unnerved that her manic behavior had settled into something almost sad but resigned.
When he protested, trying to convince her to get in the car so that they could return home to talk, she had put her hand on his cheek and smiled at him affectionately. Her anger had evaporated quickly, leaving only
sadness in its wake. “It never will be the place.” She took off her engagement ring and handed it back to him. “You’re a good man, Brant, a much better one than I deserve. I never would have gotten out from under my father’s thumb without you. Because of you, I can finally be me.”
He’d felt his world collapsing when Josie’s car pulled up beside them and, ignoring his pleas, she simply shook her head and opened the passenger door to her friend’s car. He’d stood rooted to the spot long after the taillights had faded away. In the days to come, he had tried to reach her, but she had officially severed ties with him. It appeared that she had cut her family out of her life as well. In the blink of an eye, his entire future had changed—and he had had no idea what had caused the landslide.
From then on, he kept to himself and licked his wounds in private. After all, Alexia was right—he did not lose control . . . ever. His grandfather had drummed that into them from an early age. Always control the situation and those involved.
Maybe it was a lesson he had learned too well, but he didn’t know how to change now . . . it seemed safer not to. He ended his business relationship with her father, which was a relief to them both, and moved on. He was a survivor; he always had been.
“Brant . . . Brant, did you hear me?”
He jerked, shaking off the memories that Alexia’s name had brought rushing back. “I . . . How do you know that?”
Ava gave him a wry smile. “How do I know everything? Mac, of course. His company still handles security for her father’s company. I guess Alexia is back in the family fold again and getting married. Word is that her parents approve of her choice. I just didn’t want you to be caught by surprise if the announcement shows up in the paper.”
His head was spinning and his sister knew him well enough to recognize it. Hell, he, Ava, and Declan were all masters at hiding their feelings. When their parents had been killed in a plane crash, they had been raised by their grandfather. It wasn’t that he was unkind to them; he was just rather indifferent for the most part. His business was his life and if you were looking for affection, you were out of luck.
Wearily, he ran a hand through his hair. “Thanks for letting me know, but it was a long time ago. Of course Alexia would have moved on, just as I have.” Ava gave him a look and he knew she was dying to comment on his last statement, but she let it go. She was never one to press the point on past pain because she damn sure didn’t want anyone doing that to her.
“All right, just letting you know.” Looking at her watch, she stood up. “I’ve got to get back to work. I’m watching Evan tonight for Declan and I have a ton of work to get out of the way before I go over there.”
Brant looked at her in surprise. “You’re babysitting?” Not that he thought Ava wasn’t capable—she just had a tendency to distance herself from long interactions with anyone, even family.
He had expected an insult in return but was surprised when she said, “It’s the closest I’ll ever get to having a child.” With that, she turned and left his office as quickly as she had entered.
What a day.
It was barely lunchtime and he had already been hit by two things. His ex was getting married, and his sister was still being ruled by her painful past. The first was a sucker punch to the gut; the second was disheartening but not surprising. He knew he needed to talk to Declan about Ava. As for Alexia, he resolved to bury the information that his sister had given him down deep inside. After all, what had really changed? She didn’t want him then and she didn’t now. He refused to be ruled by his heart again. That part of his life was over.
With a grimace, Brant threw his half-eaten sandwich in the trash. He had no doubt that Emma had made sure it was as inedible as possible. He opened his bottom desk drawer and looked at his junk food collection. His snack consumption had gone through the roof since Emma had started working for him. He wasn’t sure why he continued to ask her to bring him lunch every day when he rarely ever ate it. He suspected it was just his perverse need to see those plump lips tighten in annoyance and to watch her green eyes roll dramatically as she snapped off a reply. She was a spitfire, and he had grown to enjoy getting burned by her. It was the liveliest part of his day.