Never Stopped Loving You (19 page)

He was caving, but he didn’t want to just let go for friends only. Not yet. Not when he’d just gotten her. “Take time to talk to John instead of blowing him off. It might change everything.”

She winced. “I know. I need to catch him somewhere private. When it’s not in the middle of the night.” She shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t matter too much. No matter when or where I talk to him, someone is going to say something about it.”

Right, yes, exactly. So what difference did it make about them? It didn’t. “Probably. But then it’ll be over.” And one less thing on her mind. That seemed to be part of the problem. Kara had way too much on her mind.

She leaned over on the counter and dropped her head on her arms. He rubbed small circles over her lower back and knew what had to be done. As much as he hated it. Absolutely hated it. “It’s going to be fine, Kara.”

She nodded. “Thanks.”

“Give it time and people will forget. With summer here and the farm open on the weekends, you have a lot of chances to change things around for you. They’ll see past your mom and see you.”

“Good point. Maybe I can find your momma’s oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipes. I remember they would be the size of your hand and every kid got one.”

Baking. Back to the good, easy topic. “Mom always said you could win someone over with good food.”

Finally she smiled and it was real and happy. “Yes she did.”

He put a hand on her shoulder. “When you want something more with us, let me know. But I’m not going to wait on you forever. I can’t.”

She pulled the sack of flour close. “I know. And thank you. For understanding.”

He grabbed the bag of sugar and waited, ignoring how bad his chest was bleeding. “Now what do we do first?”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Kara walked the slender sidewalk from her mom’s house and three blocks down to John’s. She’d sat in her car for fifteen minutes at home before giving up, getting out and walking. If she was on the street, where the occasional person was sitting on their porch watching, she was less likely to chicken out and go back to the house, only to realize this needed to be done and head back to John’s house again.

Wash and repeat with the turning and changing her mind until she’d look like a loon at six-thirty in the morning. Yes, smack early in the morning. She wanted to catch him at home when he had somewhere to be, rather than after work when he had the whole evening.

And if she wasn’t selfish enough, she also didn’t want the evening lost to John guilting her into something. That way her night could be free to spend time with Wade, as dangerous territory as that was. Last night had been hard. So hard, but good too. They’d baked together until after midnight. That’s all, just baked. The whole time they’d just baked, she’d thought of his note and his offer for dancing.

There was no dancing. Doubtful there would be for a long time, if ever. Not if she couldn’t reach a point with him where she was comfortable trying for a relationship. That meant spending time with him so she could reach that best-friend-can’t-live-without-him stage. Then there would be dancing. She had to believe one day she’d get there. With time. So long as he didn’t move on to someone else.

As she neared John’s house, the prospect of hightailing it back to the house grew higher and higher.

But she wouldn’t because this had to be taken care of. When she’d come home last night, she’d found another note stuck between her screen door and front that he’d left and she didn’t like that much at all. Another quickly jotted “worried about you” on a scrap of paper
.

It was too much guilt. Each note, each word reminded her of what she’d done, how she’d led him into believing she had feelings for him. The girl she’d been with John years ago was very different from who Kara actually was today and he needed to know that.

John’s white house was just ahead. Lights in the house were on and a breath of part relief, part fear went through her. Now or never.

She crossed the walk to his porch, went up the stairs and knocked on his door before losing what little nerve she had. The door opened and there was John. Jeans and a dark polo shirt. Confusion crossed his face, but cleared off for a smile when he focused on her. “Kara.”

“Morning, John. Have a few minutes?”

He stepped back. “I have all the time you need. Coffee? Or something for breakfast?”

Coffee scented the air and she was tempted, but no. That would only prolong the visit. And food was the last thing her churning stomach could handle. “Thanks, but no. I don’t have much time.”

“Lot of work to do at the farm today?”

“Yes.” She swallowed as she walked in the house she hadn’t stepped foot in for years. “With the big opening this weekend, I’m trying to get a stock on a variety of jams to sell.”

“I guess that’s why I’ve had a hard time catching you. I stopped by your mom’s house a couple times. Left some notes. Stopped by last night after the grocery store, but you never came home.” He walked through his home, toward the kitchen and she followed.

Which was fine. She’d rather sit on a hard wooden chair than sink into a comfortable couch. “Sorry, I found the notes. I haven’t been at the house much. I get up early so I can start canning. Easy process, but takes time. I’m not home until late.”

She turned her gaze away from him as she stepped in his kitchen. The once pale blue walls were now white. Countertops had been changed from old tile tops to sparkling cream granite. John had bought the fixer-upper with plans to make it his own. He’d always had magazines of houses in the floorboard of his truck. His dad owned a construction company and the detailed routing on the cabinets and matching island spoke of the years John had spent working with him.

She pulled out a light brown wooden kitchen chair and sank on the seat while trying not to hide under the table. She pushed her hands in her lap to keep from grabbing the newspaper to keep her grounded.

“Not that I’m disappointed, but what brings you by this morning?” He sipped his coffee, pushed the newspaper aside. It was all so familiar. Before she’d just been here a little bit. He hadn’t had the house long before she ran. In that time, he’d been making plans for
their
future. Now it was damn near creepy remembering back to those times.

“We didn’t get to talk. The other night. We danced and we were supposed to talk.”

“Your bodyguard interrupted us.”

Her brows rose before she could catch them. “My bodyguard?”

He only grinned. “Wade. I figured with you being a little older now, he wouldn’t be such a problem.”

“I didn’t realize he had been a problem before.” Other than that one time when Wade had broken John’s nose. Anytime she’d run across Wade, she’d only noticed him staring. So she’d upped the stakes to get him to interact. Apparently he’d been stepping in the whole time.

He shrugged. “I didn’t bring it up. Thought he was jealous or something. The other night I figured out that he sees you as a little sister and he’s just watching out for you.”

Right. Kara figured it was best not to mention Wade further. There was very little she understood about her relationship with the Chesters, but Wade seeing her as a sister was definitely not an option. She tapped the table with her thumbs. “Speaking of the past, that’s what I wanted to talk about.”

“Kara.” He reached across the table and covered her twitching thumbs. “I’m sorry.”

She blinked. “You’re sorry?”

“For scaring you. I should have realized that we weren’t in the same place. You’d just gotten out of high school. I’d been out three years. You were seeing your life in front of you and I was ready to settle down. I should have given you more time.”

The idea of bashing her head on the table grew stronger with each word he spoke. A common need when she was with him, it seemed. What a mess, but she refused to take the easy way out. If she nodded along, that wouldn’t solve her problem. John would still be interested. And she simply wouldn’t be. There was nothing she could do about chemistry. The truth would have to come out eventually. Time to suck it up. “When we were together, I didn’t know how you were feeling about me. I wouldn’t have led you on like I did.”

He smiled. “Exactly. That’s what I’m saying.”

“No.” She shook her head and sat back in her chair, pulling her hands out from under his. “I’m afraid you don’t understand. I called you that first time because you weren’t known for settling down.”

The corner of his mouth turned up as though he’d been given a big compliment. And maybe he thought so. She interlaced her fingers. “I was just looking for a good time because...”
Because I wanted to be the life of the party and make Wade Chester jealous.
The fact that y’all were buddies all but guaranteed I’d get Wade’s attention fast.
She looked at John and found herself unable to finish that sentence as she wanted. John had these soft eyes. Blond hair that was a bit too long. A simple boyish charm on him, even now as he looked at her.

Could she deliver that last sentence and watch as he realized everything he thought he knew had been wrong? Her mistake had caused enough pain, there was no need to put him through more. The guilt of how she’d led John on would always be her cross to bear and she would deal with that on her own. She didn’t deserve his forgiveness and she wasn’t going to ask for it. “I was just looking for a good time because I was young. Like you said. Just out of high school and I hadn’t experienced much. I hate more than anything that my actions misled you.”

“And now?”

Above all, this had to come out delicately. She probably should have rehearsed this. “And now you’re a great friend, John, but nothing more.”

John sat back in his chair, his head tilted to the side as he stared at her. “He’ll never want you, you know.”

She frowned. “Who?”

“Wade.”

She sat up straight at that. “My relationship with Wade, and Whitney for that matter, is complicated. I don’t know anything about where we stand other than as business associates.”

He chuckled. It was low and quiet as he shook his head. “I’m trying to be honest with you. He’s not going to see you the way you look at him, how you’ve always looked at him, Kara.”

Her eyes went wide.

He sat back now too, leaned to the side and propped an elbow on the back of his chair. “I knew back then you wanted Wade. Hell, it was on your face every time you looked at him. Everybody knew, except Wade. When you came to me that day, I thought you’d let him go. Now I see that you haven’t ever, have you? You’re a little sister to him. He told me that a few nights ago at the bar.” He frowned. “Will you ever be able to let him go and realize...other options?”

She licked her lips, wanting this over and ended and out of here. “If I could go back, I would do it all differently. I can’t. But I do know how I feel about you. You are a great guy, John. Sweet, kind and one day you’re going to meet a girl who will be very lucky to have you.”

“But not you.”

She shook her head. “But not me. I don’t think you know the real me and I don’t think you’d like her very much.”

He checked his watch and stood. “That’s for me to decide.”

She wouldn’t worry about commenting on that. Last thing she wanted was to go into detail why he wouldn’t like her. That she’d only accepted his touch in hopes it’d get Wade’s attention. She shook. “I know you have to get to work. Thanks for talking this morning.”

Ever polite, he smiled. “I’m glad you came.”

He walked her to the door and she started back home with a half-heavy heart, half-lightened one. She wasn’t sure if she hadn’t taken the coward’s way out, but if it spared John a lot of anger and confusion, so be it. Kara would be a coward.

She slipped in her car and headed to Chester Farms. Seeing the wide-open spaces of the growing fields and the warm home always seemed to wrap her in a hug when pulling in the drive. Just something with this place. The scenery, the smells. It all spoke of home even though it wasn’t hers. Perhaps it was because she’d spent so much time here. Or because she was raised like another daughter to the Chesters. Some people had vacation homes. Kara had a spare down the street.

She parked in the shady spot behind Whitney’s car and the hum of the tractor pulled her attention. Another weekend picking was coming, and mowing was always needed. That, and he was still testing whatever radiator thing he’d built. She glanced at the house and headed away from it and toward Wade.

Some good had come out of this morning. With John thinking Wade was acting as an older brother figure, there was a possibility the friendship she’d wrecked was repairable. If Wade wanted it. She didn’t know what all John had said about her all those years ago. It could have been horribly descriptive, or vague and Wade over-read into it. John had been correct in thinking Wade saw her as a sister back then. He did for a long time and maybe that’s what swayed Wade’s opinion of John. If John had been speaking of Whitney, she would expect no less out of Wade.

The only hard part of repairing this friendship was the possibility of seeing John more. But she would suck it up and live with the choices she’d made.

Wade was cutting halfway across another row of grass as she neared and the tractor engine died down and cut off. The silence screamed loud without the whining noise. Only a handful of birds chirped through the stillness and over the heavy thud of her heart.

The door to the air-conditioned cab opened and he stepped down as she approached. His brow was pulled down. Worry creased across his forehead. “Something wrong?”

“I talked to John this morning.”

He cupped her shoulders. “Everything go okay?”

“As well as it can, I guess. Not like I had planned.”

“Did he do something?”

“No, no, of course not. I sat there at that table looking at him. He’s this nice guy and I couldn’t disillusion him that I had only been looking for a good time and that was it. I couldn’t tell him what had motivated me and make him question every girl who comes along the rest of his life. He deserves to be happy and I deserve to carry the guilt of it.”

“Kara.”

She didn’t want to hear his warnings or listen to his brief lectures to let it all go. If it was as simple as that, she wouldn’t have gone to John in the first place. “It’s fine. It really is. I feel like a big fat coward, but it seemed like the best idea.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty. Not over him.”

She sighed, her guilt weighed heavier. “I know you’re put off with him, but he really is a good guy. He thinks y’all’s problem is you were playing the overprotective brother role. I think if you wanted, he’d be happy to grab a beer with you.”

He cursed. “Only if I get the chance to piss in his beer first. I told you, Kara, you were not the reason for us splitting apart.”

“So you said, but if I hadn’t been with him at all, he wouldn’t have been talking about me and you wouldn’t have overheard him.”

“It doesn’t matter. And it’s not just the way he talked about you, but the way he treated you too. He knew better and knew what people were saying and he kept on.” He stepped in a cupped her cheeks. “I promise you, he’s no friend to me and you shouldn’t carry this guilt around.”

She gave a one-shoulder shrug. Easy for him to say. He hadn’t lived with the knowledge she had. He wasn’t there between her and John when she’d encouraged every last touch. Had John refused and offered to take her somewhere else? No, but she hadn’t been shy by his actions either. “I just wanted you to know that option was there.”

“And I don’t want it, so don’t worry over it.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is.” His thumbs stroked along her cheeks. “It wasn’t just what he said that night. Hell, Kara, whatever your reasonings, he never should have treated you like he did. He shouldn’t have...been all over you as much as he was in public. I don’t think I’m a prude, but some things are best not done in a crowded place. John was older, he knew better and still he did nothing about it. He’s a jackass.”