Never Been Ready (18 page)

"Yeah." I smiled. "I think I do want to talk about it."

Over coffee and chocolate chip muffins, I finally told my best friend about my real childhood, the one that I'd hidden from her for so many years. We cried together, and she held my hand. When she asked why I'd never told her, I honestly didn't have an answer.

"I don't know, Clare. I've always been so strong, so independent. I guess a part of me thought telling someone, acknowledging it, would be admitting weakness. So, I learned how to avoid it for the most part. My childhood and teen years became a sick game of learning cues and signs of my father's drunken states so that I knew when to scatter or not come home at all."

"I just wish I had known, so we could have done something, Leah. We could have taken you away and adopted you for real. You know my mother and father would have done that in an instant. Hell, I think they even tried at one point. Had they known that, it would have been a lot easier."

"I know, and I love your parents more than I could ever put into words, but I'm stubborn as hell."

She gave me that no-shit look.

I continued, "But in the beginning, I was scared. I was scared it wouldn't work, then I'd be stuck with him anyway, and he'd be even angrier. Later on, I just figured I was almost free anyway, and I thought I could manage a few more years of dodge and weave."

She jumped from her seat and pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you, Leah. Never forget that. You are my sister, best friend, and partner in crime. Don't ever shut me out. Do you understand?"

I nodded against her shoulder, letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks. "I understand, Clare Bear."

"Good, because finding a new best friend would be really hard work, and I'm just too lazy for that," she said through sniffles. "Besides, you were with me when I bought my first vibrator. A bond like that is deep and unbreakable."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The sobs and laughs mingled together as we held each other in her kitchen.

She pulled back and looked at me with devilish green eyes. "So, what's up with you and Declan? Because what I saw last night was anything but casual."

I sighed as I sat back in my chair, resuming the demolishment of my muffin. "I have no fucking clue. One minute, we're super casual, and the next, we've blown past all other stages and landed on super intense. He makes me feel things I am too scared to admit. Loving him could complete me or destroy me. If I were to give myself to him and he left like Daniel, I don't think I'd ever recover."

"You know Declan is not Daniel, right?"

"No, he's not. He's a famous super-hot actor. That doesn't make it any better." I snorted.

"Daniel was a dillhole, plain and simple. When someone loves you, he stays —even when things get hard. When Ethan got sick and we all gathered together to take care of him, Daniel bailed. That shows you right there that he wasn't in it for the long haul. You can't assume Declan would do the same."

"You can't assume he wouldn't."

"Pessimistic much?" she asked.

"I like my glass half-empty, thank you very much."

"Well, I just don't want you to walk away from what could be the best thing of your life. Don't run away from love just because you've been hurt before."

"Love? I didn't say I loved him," I deflected. "Besides, isn't it a bit early for that?"

"Someone very wise once told me that there's no time restriction on love," she said with a wink.

"Very slick, using my own words against me. That's kind of evil."

"I learned from the best."

~Declan~

I'd been driving by Leah's father's house every day for the last week, making sure he didn't come back. The bastard didn't even bother closing up the house. He'd just hit the road, leaving the house wide-open to anyone who might pass by, including me. I'd gone in yesterday just to make sure he wasn't still there. I was being paranoid, but before I told Leah, I wanted to be sure he was gone —for good.

Could I guarantee he would never come back?
No.
The smartest thing would have been to file charges and have him arrested, but after that night of holding a battered and bruised Leah in my arms, I knew she would never make it through a trial against her father. It would be too much. It would have been too public with too many people asking questions. She could barely open up to Clare and me. How could we ask her to open up to an entire courtroom about the events that had haunted her for the last twenty years? I knew she would, and I knew she could if needed. Leah could do anything. She was stronger than anyone I'd ever met, but if I could keep her from pain, I would, no matter what it cost.

When I was sure the house was empty and he wasn't coming back, I told Leah I had somewhere to take her, something to tell her. She looked at me nervously and nodded.

Shit, did she think I was breaking up with her? Could we technically break up?
I didn't even know what to call our relationship. We'd never put a title on it. That needed to be fixed. She was mine, and that fact needed to be made public.

When we pulled up to the curb, her head snapped over to me, her eyes filled with panic. "What are we doing here?"

Placing my hand on hers, I wove our fingers together before saying, "Do you trust me?"

She silently nodded, and I brought our joined hands to my lips before kissing each of her fingers.

"Then, you have nothing to worry about. Come on."

We made our way up the driveway, hand in hand, my heart beating hard in my chest.

What if this wasn't what she wanted? What if, in some small recess of her heart, she loved this man, and I'd just sent him away?

Sweat broke out across my brow, and I suddenly began second-guessing my decision, hoping I hadn't just destroyed the one good thing that had come my way before it'd even had a chance to start. We reached the front door, and I took a step forward. I grabbed the handle and ushered us in. I'd had a cleaning crew come in a few days after he left. I didn't want her to come back to a dingy house. There were enough memories here without the stench of alcohol and stale food to add to the mix. Pine-Sol and Windex now perfumed the air instead.

"What the hell? You cleaned?"

"No...well, yes. But that's not why we're here."

We walked through the kitchen and into the living room, the spot I assumed was where Leah's father usually was when she visited. When she didn't see him, she turned and looked at the vacant dinette and bar stools.

"Where is he?" she asked cautiously.

"Gone."

"Gone? What do you mean?"

"Well, he's not dead, if that's what you're wondering. At least, I don't think he is. But he's never coming back here, Leah. I made sure of that. You are free."

Tears brimmed her eyes, and she looked around the house again before circling back to me.

"But how? I don't understand. Are you sure? Did you do something illegal?" she asked, throwing out questions left and right.

"It doesn't matter how. Yes, I'm sure. And no, you're not getting rid of me that easily. No pending arrests," I said with a smirk.

"Shit. I'm going to cry again. Why do I cry so much around you?"

"I don't know, but I'll hold you every time you do."

She came into my arms then. It felt like I was whole, like my missing half was settling into place, and I knew I'd found exactly where I was supposed to be.

"Why, Declan? Why would you do this?"

I pulled back, knowing it was now or never. My heart raced. This time, it was for another reason. I still didn't know how she felt, and putting myself out there with no guarantee was the scariest moment of my life. It was scarier than when I'd asked Heather to move to Hollywood with me, and she'd said no. It was scarier than when I'd auditioned for my first movie and thought I'd throw up from the stress, and it was scarier than walking into Leah's bedroom and seeing her face covered in bruises.

"I love you, Leah Morgan. Since the moment I got off that plane, everything I do has been for you. You are so much more than you think you are, and I see you —all of you. You can push all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. I want every piece of you. No games, no going back. I —"

"Shut the hell up," Leah said.

She pulled my head down, so our lips could meet in a frenzied, passionate kiss.

"You better not hurt me, Hotshot, because everything you just said...I feel for you plus half a million other feelings I can't put into words. I love you even though you're arrogant and cocky and —"

"Shut the hell up," I mocked.

I kissed her again, and then laughter filled the air as I lifted her and spun us in the middle of her childhood home.

"Thank you," she said as I still held her in my arms.

"For what?"

Her eyes met mine, and she paused. "For everything. But mostly, for this —for giving me one perfect, happy memory in the midst of hell."

Seeing her joyous face in the middle of what was once her prison growing up made me want to replace every terrible memory in her life with something better.

~Leah~

I wiped the fog off the bathroom mirror that had accumulated during my shower. I stared at my reflection with a towel wrapped around my hair and body. My bruises and cuts had healed, and I was back to looking like me. Thanks to the miracles of makeup, I had been able to cover up most of the evidence, so no one had noticed at work. I was opening up, but that didn't mean I wanted the entire world to know every sordid detail of my life. I didn't mind talking to Trish about my new hot man-candy and how Clare and my family were doing, but I wasn't about to open up and bleed out all my secrets.

I pulled the towel off my head, letting my long blonde hair tumble down my back. It had been years since I'd let someone cut it more than an inch or two, and now, it was halfway down my back. It was naturally wavy and on the thick side. Being this long made it hard to maintain, but I just loved it. It made me feel so feminine and girlie. After noticing Declan's heated glances while watching me as I would brush and then braid it at night, I didn't think I'd ever cut it again.

"Declan James said he loves me," I said out loud to my reflection.

Just saying it brought a smile to my lips, and butterflies took flight in my belly. I touched my lips, remembering the kiss we'd shared in my father's house.
Well, his old house.
I couldn't believe he was gone. I'd spent so many years taking care of him, and now, it was all behind me. Like Declan had said, I was free.

I still remembered the years in college when I would work two jobs, so I could bring my father groceries, feeling guilty that he might starve if he didn't eat. I'd live on ramen for weeks just to keep him fed. He always blamed me for him getting fired from every job he'd worked, but we'd both known the real reason he couldn't hold down a job. Being drunk all the time didn't exactly fly with the bosses.

"Did I hear you talking to yourself in here?" Declan asked, peeking his head in the bathroom door.

He looked gorgeous in pajama bottoms and nothing else. His broad chest was bare and so delectable, displaying that tattoo I'd grown to love. I licked my lips as my eyes traveled down his body, loving the way his hips dipped perfectly into a V before disappearing under his flannelled waistband.

His lips upturned into a cocky grin as he sauntered into the bathroom before coming up behind me. His hands wrapped around my hips as his body pressed against me. I could feel him, eager and ready, against my ass.

"Seeing you look at me like that makes me hard...really fucking hard," he said, pulling our bodies tighter together to further emphasize his point.

A low moan rose up my throat as he ran his hands up my arms. I savored the feel of his bare skin touching mine.

"Turn around," he commanded, his voice rough and sexy.

I did as I had been instructed. I slowly turned in his arms until we were face-to-face. His eyes had lost all hint of joking, and now, they were full of fire, transforming into the intense flecked green they became when he was turned-on.

"I think it's about time we lose this," he said.

My towel slowly slid down to the floor, exposing my naked body completely to him. He grinned slightly, taking an appreciative look at what he'd just unwrapped.

"Mine, all mine. I'm so fucking lucky," he said softly.

He took my lips in a searing kiss that left me breathless. I pulled back to see he was still sporting his cocky grin that I'd come to adore. He grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me onto the counter, sitting my ass right on the cold granite. I yelped in protest, and he laughed.

"Spread those beautiful legs wide for me, Leah, until one leg is on each side of the counter. Show me just how flexible my yoga-loving girlfriend is."

The man had told me he loved me, but hearing him call me his girlfriend reduced me to a love-struck teenage girl. I was mush, an absolute puddle of Declan-love goo. I lifted my legs, anchoring a foot on each side of the counter, with my knees bent. For support, I leaned back and let my hands rest on the countertop behind me. I was spread-eagle on my bathroom counter, and Declan looked like he'd just won the fucking lotto.