“It isn’t right!”
You shouldn’t be arguing with him. You should be getting the hell out of here!
my mind reasoned
.
“What’s wrong with kissing a beautiful girl?”
I don’t feel beautiful right now. I feel cheap and dirty
. “But I-I belong to Will!” I argued, as I swatted his hand away and tried to get up, but he eased me back down.
Coach T shook his head and smiled. “You don’t belong to anyone, Mel. You’re your own person.” His hand swept up my leg to rest on my thigh. “And I love you.”
“N-No…you can’t. You’re married.”
“So? It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“But I love Will.”
He snorted. “Will’s just a boy. What does he know? You deserve a man to teach you about love not some fumbling kid.” I continued trying to push his hand away, as his breath hovered over my ear, “Better yet, you need
me
to teach you about love.”
I stared into his eyes. My voice became a small whisper. “Please, don’t say that.”
“Melanie, surely you realized how much I’ve wanted you?”
Slowly, I shook my head.
“What about at Christmas when I kissed you under the mistletoe?”
I cringed as I thought back to that night. Will had invited me to his house when his parents were having a party. We stayed upstairs most of the night, watching movies and talking, fooling around a little. When I’d gone downstairs to get something to drink, Coach T had pinned me against the kitchen door and kissed me under the mistletoe. His reeking breath told me how drunk he was, so I’d tried to brush it off as nothing. Somehow it had stayed in the back of my mind.
“But you were drunk,” I argued feebly.
“Maybe I was, but I wasn’t too drunk to want you.”
Like in a movie, the world crawled by in nightmarish slow motion. Coach T’s weight smothered me, pressing me down on the futon. A voice began screaming inside of me as I clawed against him. “NO! No, please. Please don’t do this!”
His breath scorched down my neck, hot with desire—the same desire that pushed against my thigh. “Just let me love you—let me love you like I’ve wanted to for so long, Melanie.”
I shook my head. Like a captured fish on a hook, I flailed beneath him. Then as bits and pieces of my clothing were stripped away, I slowly stopped fighting. Fear gripped me like I had never experienced before in my life.
It stunned and paralyzed me.
In just a matter of seconds, I became a quadriplegic. Even though my brain screamed at my arms and legs to fight, the only thing I could move was my eyelids. But I clamped them shut, deluding myself that if I couldn’t see what was going on, then it wasn’t really happening.
Then I detached. I floated above myself, spiriting away from the pain that ripped through me. I was no longer in the room with Coach T moving frantically inside me. Faintly, I could hear the roar of the crowd in my ears, and the rubber smell of the basketball filled my nostrils. Happiness engulfed me.
I was on the court, and I was a star. I made basket after basket. Even three pointers flew gracefully through the air to swoosh almost effortlessly through the goal. Elation filled me as points for my team racked up on the red glow of the scoreboard. As I sprinted up and down the court, I never grew tired, nor did I ever grow faint of breath. Gazing into the stands, I saw my parents as they clapped, screamed out my name, and waved their pom-poms. The crowd rose to their feet and applauded me while my teammates patted my back and hugged me.
But more than the adulation of the fans, the love of my family, and the support of my team, it was Heaven.
And I was safe.
But that moment was fleeting, and I was sucked back into reality. It was over, and Coach T was pulling away from me. I still didn’t open my eyes, even as the silent tears dripped off my cheeks.
The seconds ticked agonizingly by. I heard him straightening his clothes. Then he cleared his throat. “Jesus, Mel, I-I’m sorry.”
My only reply was to involuntarily begin shaking. “I didn’t know you were a…” he trailed off. His words pierced my heart with the double-edged sword of his actions. “I just assumed you and Will had been together.” He gingerly touched my bare back, and I winced. “I would have taken it slower if I’d known that.”
I choked off a sob. He wasn’t even sorry that’d he… raped me—just that he’d taken my virginity. Finally, I opened my eyes. Without realizing it, I’d rolled away from him. I clutched my knees to my chest, trying to cover myself. I felt my t-shirt wadded beneath me. Left only with my sports bra on, I didn’t know what had happened to my shorts and underwear.
“Mel, I am sorry.”
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. So, I merely nodded. After all, speaking seemed foreign to me. I feared if I opened my mouth, the sobs that had built up inside me and lodged in my throat would come spewing out. Something deep within me thought they might never stop.
“I hope you can forgive me.”
I refused to meet his gaze.
“I crossed the line. It won’t ever happen again, I swear. I’ve got problems at home, Mel. I’m in therapy, and I’ll get this sorted out. I swear,” he pleaded.
I didn’t want his apologies or his excuses. I just wanted out of there. I wanted to crawl under my covers and die of the pain and humiliation.
When I still didn’t respond, he exhaled noisily. “You know, telling someone about this won’t do any good.”
My gaze snapped to his. “What?” I croaked.
“It’s just a no-win situation for either of us. If you go to the authorities, I’m screwed. But so are you.”
Horrified, I continued to stare at him. “How?”
“Because of Will.”
And with that, Coach T silenced any thoughts I might have had of reporting him. So, I finally gave him the words he was so desperate for. “I won’t tell anyone. Ever.”
My traitorous words echoed off my ears as I came back to myself on the shower floor. A knock at the door caused me to jump. It was my mom. “Melanie, are you all right? You’ve been in there an awfully long time.”
Speak, Melanie
, a voice commanded within me. It should’ve been easy. I’d been doing it since I was barely a year old. But it seemed impossible. We’d even taught our two black Labs, Scout and Jem, to do it, so why couldn’t I?
“Melanie?”
I dug my nails into my forearm until tears stung my eyes. The pain caused my voice to break through the levels of my consciousness. “I’m fine, Mom. Just a few more minutes, okay? The water feels really good on my head.” The lie tumbled easily from my lips—far more easily than the truth ever would.
“Okay, but don’t stay too much longer.” She paused, and then I heard her laughter. “Will says you’re going to turn into a shriveled prune.”
At the mention of Will, bitter tears streaked down my face. Oh God, was I really not going to tell what had happened? Deep down, I knew what I should do. I’d seen enough television programs to know I should’ve come straight in and told my mom. I should have been carted off to the hospital where some stranger would poke and prod me with a rape kit, making me die a thousand deaths under the scratchy white sheet pulled up to my chin.
Then if I survived that degradation, I’d have to relive the experience itself over and over again as I told my story to investigators, maybe even as I testified at trial. In my mind, I could see a courtroom full of spectators, eagerly leaning forward in their seats to digest the juicy details.
No, no, no!
I couldn’t bear that.
What about my parents? The mere thought made me tremble. I imagined the expressions that would appear on their faces—the horror, the agony, the guilt, maybe even the shame. What would news like this to do them? They’d always sworn to protect me no matter what. They’d feel like failures. Plus, I’d always been the least trouble out of my siblings. The one my parents could always depend on to stay out of trouble, therefore saving them face. But if I admitted this, then I would become the pitied child that all my parents’ friends gossiped about. “Did you hear about Joe and Suzanne’s daughter being raped? Yeah, it’s torn them all apart.”
I couldn’t bear that.
Then once again my thoughts went to Will—the love of my life. The only guy who’d ever given me the time of day. The only guy I’d ever dated and kissed and fooled around with. The only guy I could ever imagine being with until death do us part. The guy who sat in my room right now doing an essay for me just so I wouldn’t lose a measly ten points.
Not only would Will’s father be carted off to jail, but Coach T would lose his job. He’d never coach or teach ever again. Even though anger burned within me for Coach T, the fact remained I was in love with his son. If I told the world my boyfriend’s father raped me, our relationship would crumble. Will’s seemingly perfect life would be shattered, and in some horrible and warped way, I would be the cause of it.
I couldn’t bear that.
I silently lifted my eyes to the Heavens. I shook my head. I’d been a believer all my life. I’d gone to church religiously—I’d even been played Mary twice in our Christmas pageants.
But I wasn’t Mary anymore. I was a defiled and perverse version of my former self, the “Old Melanie”. Tentatively, I stood up in the shower. Then in some weird out-of-body experience I started bathing like nothing had happened.
While lathering my head, I felt the large knot forming under my skin. There was also a ragged cut along my hairline, and when I rinsed my hair, there was blood in the water, even though I’d been as gentle as I could. And then I realized it wasn’t from my head.
More blood loss…more loss of innocence…more evidence of what I’d lost on the futon. I shivered despite the scalding water.
Once again, I raised tear stained eyes to the ceiling. “How am I going to do this?” I murmured. Silence reverberated back at me. I don’t know what I expected. Did I expect God to speak to me and tell me how to lie to the world?
When I got out of the shower, I didn’t bother drying my hair. I threw on my Newton Lady Grizzlies Basketball t-shirt and my sweatpants. I opened the door to find Will hard at work. The sight of him bent over the laptop with papers scattered everywhere made my chest burn.
“Hey,” I said softly.
He swiveled around in my rolling chair. “Hey, beautiful!”
For a brief instant, I didn’t see him. All I saw was Coach T spinning around in his chair like he had earlier tonight.
Stop it, Melanie!
I bit my lip and played with the drawstring on my pants. “Um, I’m sorry about being a bitch earlier.”
Will shook his head. “Nah, it’s okay. You’ve had a shitty night. And I was being a douchebag about sex.”
A chill went through me, and I shuddered. Will came over to stand beside me. “You shouldn’t be standing here with your hair wet in the middle of winter. Isn’t it enough you got bonked in the head tonight? You don’t need to get sick on top of that.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.” I could feel the intensity of his stare on me. Finally, I brought my eyes to his.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
He smiled and pulled me into his arms. My eyes closed as I was overwhelmed by the security of his embrace. No one made me feel like Will. He was like home...like my parents. I didn’t want anything to ever come between us. It was a desperate feeling—one that caused a sob to build in my throat.
Will must have felt the emotions coursing through me because he whispered into my ear, “Babe, I’m here. You’re all right, and I’m all right.”
My eyelids fluttered open, and I smiled at him. “We’re all right.”
Will grinned. “That’s right.” He kissed the top of my head and glanced over at the desk. “But we’re not going to be all right if we don’t get your essay finished.”
Reluctantly, I let my arms fall from him. He sat down and then spun back around in the chair. “Okay, so we’re supposed to be looking for occult symbolism in
Macbeth
. Now I used…”
His voice trailed off as I eased down on the bed. My head still throbbed, and I didn’t want to think about Macbeth. I just wanted to go to sleep….sleep would be an escape.
I grabbed the throw off the bottom of my bed and wrapped it around me. It wasn’t long before its warmth and the soothing sound of Will’s voice lulled me to sleep.
The next thing I knew I heard his soft laughter in my ear. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty, I finished your essay.”
I drowsily opened my eyes to see Will’s grinning face above me. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah, just be glad you dozed off before I realized it. Your mom freaked out thinking you might have a concussion. She was about ready to check your pupils, but I told her you weren’t totally out.”
“How come?”
“Cause you were kinda crazy while you slept.”
My face burned. “I-I was.”
Will nodded. “Yeah, from the noises you were making, it must’ve been some dream.” He smiled down at me. “I sure hope I was in it.”
I gazed up into his eyes so full of love, and I shook my head. “More like a nightmare I guess.”
He kissed me gently. “I’m here for you. No one’s gonna hurt you. I’ll kick some boogey man’s ass.”