Nets and Lies (19 page)

“When? It’s been over a week, Mel, and it’s still the hottest gossip at school. Now that the newspapers leaked the fact there’s physical evidence, people are really believing it about Jordan. And when the trial starts.” He closed his eyes and moaned. “Jesus, what will it be like then?”

My heart ached for Will. I wished there was somewhere we could escape. Somewhere far, far away from the scandal and the issues and problems that bogged us down. Maybe a tropical island where no one knew us. An island with crystal blue water and white sandy beaches. Somewhere we could be alone together. A place to drown our troubles in each other’s kisses.

Without stopping to think anymore, I brought my lips to his. At first, he didn’t kiss me back, but when I wrapped my arms around his neck, his lips became eager against mine.

The past week had been a living hell, and I wanted nothing more but for an escape. But then there was also a burning need crackling within me—one that shocked and revolted me. I wanted to erase any memories I had of Coach T raping me, and there was only one way to do that.

I straddled Will’s hips and pushed him back against the couch. He jerked his lips from mine. “Mel, what are you doing?”

I stared into his eyes—cloudy with combustive mix of grief and longing. “I-I want to be with you.”

Will’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you kidding me?
Now
?”

Warmth filled my cheeks as I ducked my head and nodded. When I finally dared to meet his gaze, he was staring at me. “Don’t you want to?” I whispered.

A ragged breath escaped his chest. “Of course
I
want to. But the question is after all the shit that’s gone down this week, are you sure you want to?”

The truth was I needed this to happen now more than ever before. I needed to be the normal girl who slept with her high school boyfriend, not a rape victim. More than anything, sex was
my
decision this time, and I controlled whether it happened or it didn’t. No one was forcing me to do anything, and it was empowering.

I picked at the rose pattern on my throw and refused to answer him. He took my hand in his. “Mel, I want to be with you more than anything in the world, but I want to know that we’re doing this for the right reasons.”

My heart beat erratically in my chest. “I love you so much, Will. I just want something good to happen with all this craziness around us.”

He stared at me for a moment before he finally smiled. “I love you, too,” he murmured. Then he kissed me, and he didn’t argue or question me anymore. I slid off his lap and then stood up from the couch, pulling him up beside me. Hand and hand we walked up the stairs.

Part of me tingled with excitement. This was it. I was finally going to be with Will. We were going to make love for the first time—after all this time.

But the voices of doubt mocked me.
What do you think you’re doing? You can’t give yourself to him—you’ve already been had! And by his father.

I reached the landing of the stairs and squeezed my eyes shut, desperately battling the raging war in my mind.
If I’m with Will, it can erase the past. Our love is powerful enough to take the rape away
. I truly believed I could delude myself into accepting he was my first—that what happened in Coach T’s office was false. Yes, once we were together, it would change.

Will walked on ahead of me into the bedroom. I shut and locked the door behind us. I knew we had enough time. It would be hours before my parents got back home.

He waited for me in the center of the room. I took slow steps over to him. He drew me into his arms, kissing me lightly on the lips. His kisses then trailed across my cheek.

“Don’t be nervous,” he murmured, as his lips grazed my ear.

“I’m not,” I lied. But it was impossible not to be. I wasn’t just making love with him—I was using the moment to drown out the past.

Will’s lips briefly met mine before his tongue swept inside my mouth. I ran my fingers through his hair. He sat me down at the edge of the bed. I glanced up at him shyly as I pulled his shirt out of his jeans. He raised his arms as I whisked his shirt away. He brought my hand to his bare chest. “I love you with all my heart, Melanie Reeves, and one day, I’m going to marry you.”

I couldn’t help giggling. “I’m already going to sleep with you, Will, so don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep!”

He shook his head. “I really mean it. I don’t care if they say we’re too young and don’t know what we’re doing. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Tears stung my eyes. “You really want to marry me?”

“If I had a ring, I’d get on one knee right now!” he assured me, with a grin.

“I’d say yes,” I whispered.

He kissed me. “I’m glad to hear it.” Then he eased me onto my back. The moment I felt his weight on me, I began to panic. I tore my lips from his, desperate for air. Will took it as an invitation and began kissing down my neck. I closed my eyes and tried focusing on the sensation of his hands under my shirt.

But when his hand snaked down to the button of my jeans, my throat started to close up. A prickly sensation needled its way over my body before lodging in my chest. This wasn’t right. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. All the pleasure and anticipation washed away, and a stone cold reality crashed down on me.

With my eyes pinched shut, I willed the feeling to go away. I tried running my fingers through his hair again. But it didn’t help. Then I brought my hands to his bare chest, but as my hand touched his skin, something flickered in my mind—slow at first like glimmering images on a pond. Then it charged full force like a train.

It wasn’t Will on top of me anymore with his hands roaming over my body, seeking what I had for so long denied him. It was Coach T. I heard his voice in my ear,
“Will’s just a boy. What does he know? You need a man to teach you about love…you need me to teach you!”

And then I shattered.

“No, no, no!” I screamed. Pounding against Will’s chest, I flailed and writhed out of his grasp the way I had wanted to with Coach T.

“Mel, what’s wrong?” Will asked.

I didn’t answer him. Instead, I slid out from under him and then raced into the bathroom. I heaved the entire contents of my stomach into the toilet. Over and over I threw up until there was nothing left in me. When I finished, I collapsed onto the floor.

Will was by my side. “Are you all right?”

My body shook and convulsed all over. He squatted down beside me. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you to do this. I’m sorry, Mel. I’m so freakin’ sorry.”
He tenderly pushed my hair out of my face. That tiny, insignificant gesture sent me over the edge. I began weeping. Hard, guttural sobs that shook my body.

Will wrapped me in his arms. His voice hovered over my ear. “Is this because of what’s happened with my dad?”

“Oh God, Will. I can’t,” I moaned.

“Yes, you can. I love you, and you can tell me anything.”

“Not this!”

Will shook his head.

“It’ll destroy us,” I whispered.

“No, it won’t. Nothing can destroy us, remember?” He grabbed my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. “I love you more than life itself. Nothing you say or do is gonna change that!”

“I was…” I gulped. Flashes of what occurred in Coach T’s office flickered in my mind. “He hurt me,” I whispered.

“What? Who hurt you?” Will pressed.

“What Jordan said about me…it’s true.”

Will’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Wait, they said you were raped.”

I nodded weakly.

His dark eyes widened as his mouth fell open in disbelief. He could only stare at me for a few moments. “I…But why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was so ashamed that I couldn’t tell anyone. I locked it away somewhere deep inside of me until we started making out…then it all came back.”

Finally, it hit him. The one question he hadn’t asked. But by the expression forming on his face, he already knew the answer. “Who was it?” he questioned, his voice choked off by emotion.

“It’s so awful. I can’t!” I cried.

Will grabbed me by the shoulders, tears pooling in his dark eyes. “Tell me!” he demanded. Before I had the chance to open my mouth, he shouted, “Say it, dammit!”

Finally, I whispered, “Your dad.”

The moment the words left my lips, I regretted them. I didn’t have to tell him who it was. I could’ve lied and said it was some stranger, a serial rapist targeting young girls. I’d lied to myself for long enough about what happened. What would it hurt to keep it in?

I wished it more than anything when Will pulled away from me. The horror in his eyes broke me. I didn’t know what it meant to have a nervous breakdown. I’d heard people jokingly exaggerate that they’d had one. Until that moment on my bathroom floor, I had no concept.

Then the frayed strands of my sanity that I’d fought so hard to keep together snapped in two, and I started to free fall into chaos.

First, I screamed.

I screamed and I screamed until I was hoarse. Then my screams turned over to cries of agony. Pain, both physical and emotional, consumed me. Will tried to console me, but it was useless. He panicked and called my parents.

When they heard my sobs in the background, they told him to call the paramedics. So he did. By the time they arrived, I was spent of emotions. Instead, I lay motionless on the floor. They were a hazy blur of blue uniforms and soft voices. I could hear them calling my name from far off—like I was under the surface of water. But I couldn’t muster the strength to reply. I heard crying behind me. It must’ve been Will because one of the paramedics said, “Don’t worry, son, we’re gonna take good care of her.”

Then I felt myself floating upwards as they put me on a gurney. I rattled and shook as they pulled me out of the house. The flashing lights hurt my eyes. But then a needle pierced my vein, bringing liquid peace to my soul.

It was just another
Friday afternoon. But in a way, it was special. It marked one week down at my new school. One week and counting of the new and improved Jordan Marie Solano.

Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I liked St. Catherine’s. No tension or sexual pressure hung in the air. All of that was reserved for outside of school. Within the building, it was just three hundred girls focused on their education.

It really was freeing. I went to school with no makeup and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I mean, there was no one I had to impress—no one to dress up for, to slink around like a sex kitten for. Nope, just the nuns.

And I liked it that way.

The day Carson beat me up in the locker room, I officially swore off men. They’d caused too much trouble in my life—not to mention the fact I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps. Basically, I went to school, did my homework, and worked.

So far, I had no contact with anyone from the Newton world. I desperately wanted to hear from Tara, but she would never return my phone calls. I knew from the newspapers that Coach T was out on bail awaiting the trial. Dread filled me at the thoughts of to running into him again. Not that I worried about what he might do if he saw me. Instead, I worried about my reaction. It had been two weeks of slowly weaning myself off him. Two weeks of telling myself every day I no longer loved him. Two weeks of each day realizing what a fool I’d been.