My Secret Life (83 page)

“You’re alone, are you going to run away like Miss
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?” — A lady known to both of us. — “Not with a married man.” — “Ah! she was foolish, for she might have seen him on the sly.” — “Oh! what a horrid suggestion.” — “Well — married men are safe flirts, they never tell.” — “No, they daren‘t,” said she, and smiled, whilst looking me full in the eyes again, and then colouring up. “I must go to Mamma, she’ll wonder where I’ve been.” — “No she won’t, she knows, and I guess.” — Laughing, off she went, I piddled, and went back to the guests.

Soon after I was walking with her and talking about the young lady, she wasn’t surprised, the girl was always flirting with him and had been caught reading objectionable books, and I asked Edith to describe them. — She’d be very sorry to do so. — “Oh — you’ve seen them then.” — No she hadn’t, she said in a startled manner, but knew she’d trapped herself — I harped on the subject. “If I lend you a book will you tell me if it’s objectionable or not?” She would, and wouldn’t tell her mother, nor show it. — “It’s all about love — undisguised love — and pictures some might call naughty — objectionable.” — “Oh, lend it me.” — “I’m frightened — if you’re found with it, it will be serious — if not, only you and I will know it, and oldish men know how to hold their tongues.” — “Do lend it me — no one shall see it.” “It’s all about lovers amusing themselves, — but I mustn’t lend it you.” — “Oh you’re joking I know, — but do lend it me.” — This is only a summary of a long conversation — for I was cautious, fearing she might be shy. Now she was wild to see the book, and must have guessed it was a baudy one. — “I can’t send it and can’t take it to you” (I didn’t visit them). — “I’ll meet you out.” — She’s game thought I, and concluded she’d have her avenue frictionized by the male apparatus. — Then she agreed to meet me two days after, she was going shopping without her mother.

The party was over, her mother had a carriage, and a seat in it was offered me — in the carriage in the dusk I squeezed her hand, she I thought returned it, I pressed my legs against hers and she didn’t move hers away — mine were between the two women. — I went on talking to Mamma and taking no notice of the daughter — Mamma asked me in when they alighted, but I declined, and as I handed Edith out pressed her hand saying, “I wish the swing had shown more.” — She only said “Thursday” and we parted.

I was at the place, but didn’t expect her. — Flirts with their cunts telling them they are neglected — as they do to spinsters approaching thirty — are sometimes after food, champagne, and suggestive gossip, apt to get lustful thrills, and listen to talk, and to say things which next day they regret — I took a
Fanny Hill
with me. — Punctual, there she was, saying she’d not expected
me.
“I’ve got the book, don’t be angry afterwards with me.” — “I won’t.” — “But I want a word with you first, get into a cab, for five minutes, we can’t talk in the street.” — Into a four wheeler we got, I told her more about the book, avoiding baudy words, that the pictures showed “people making love.” She put it into her pocket rapidly, I got a kiss, said, “Oh that swing, it’s made me want” and we parted naming a day to meet for her to return it. — Afterwards I thought of the risks and wondered at myself — for I’d no defined intentions. The pleasure of lending a real lady a baudy book was my delight — the idea of she and I reading books on sexualities in common — such of course would be the case — delighted me.

She met me and returned the book carefully sealed up. — “What do you think of it?” — “It’s disgraceful, you’d no business to lend me such a book.” — “You asked me.” — “I didn’t expect it was one like that. — What must you think of me?” — “Nothing, you’ve seen such before.” — “I’m sure I haven’t.” — This sham of hers went on a little time in the street. — “I won’t lend you any others.” — “Oh!” she said eagerly, “have you any more?” — I asked her to meet me somewhere where we could see them privately, but she wouldn’t answer, I got her into a cab, kissed her, and I tried a feel unsuccessfully. Would I assure her it was not so improper as the other — a precious transparent sham. — I told her it was not, but was baudier. She took it and another day returned it.

I was on reflexion staggered with what had occurred, so unlooked for, so unpremeditated. The secret baudiness of the affair, my perpetual wondering whether she’d had the doodle up her, kept up my excitement and the lady’s also, I suppose. She remarked that she could talk to me as a father, tho few fathers I apprehend have talked to daughters so. Within a few week I’d spoken of the pleasure of frigging and gamahuching and offered to instruct her. She said she didn’t believe it, but should wait till she was married, and so on. — She steadily refused to go to a house with me. Then I left town in the belief that she was a cunning bitch, who’d been fucked, frigged and gamahuched, was trying to entrap me into some compromising action, and resolved never to meet her again. For a couple of months abroad I was nearly chaste, and then returned to London.

In Spain. — Two very small juveniles. — At the bull ring. — The Count’s mistress tailed. — An immoral family. — Choice of two cunts and one rectum. — The young lass selected. — The young bugger rejected. — A little prick felt. — Soldiers’ women at Gib.
—
Groping at C*d*z. — H. ’s lascivity and confidences.
—
An evening with Camille and H*l*n, — A cuntal purse again.

[To abbreviate, I had retained nothing relating to two months abroad this summer, but on reading it before destroying the manuscript, decided to retain it; so interpolate it here.]

In the hot season, wrong for travelling, I went to Spain — indeed this year was pregnant with erotic novelties to me. In large towns I always found a bordel of some sort, and saw there native beauties, even if I did not tail them. My visits were generally in the evening. I saw some of the poorest, as well as the high priced “Mujeres mundanas.”

At M
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d
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d I saw two little girls in the street — they had been walking about in the day like ordinary children of the poor — so young that I took no notice of them. — That evening not thinking of amatory business, I saw the two, and fancied one looked invitingly at me. I turned round, they were looking back and one came back to me. — Was it their instinct that I needed a cunt and made them come after me? Certain it was that I had neither sensuous thoughts or sensations at the moment, but now came a rush of lust, a delicious feeling in my prick, a desire to see them naked, and I offered a small sum by show rather than by word, which was at once accepted. I only knew a few words of their language then, but in every country learn quickly, those which express the sexual organs, and their pleasure.

Off they went rapidly through several streets, till I had lost my way, and began to reflect when I found the quarter was a poor one. Under a huge archway of a shabby looking big house they turned, I found them waiting, they spoke and made signs, but I didn’t understand, half feared a trap, didn’t now feel sure they were punks — which was foolish — I might be robbed, murdered even, so hesitated. They went to a dimly lighted stone staircase, I didn’t stir, they came back, spoke, gesticulated — I was to follow them — then — no one being about — I stooped to feel the tallest one’s cunt. Quickly she lifted the only dress she had on, and opened her thighs for me to feel her cunt. — It was hairless. My prick then throbbed, and under its impulse I went up to a fourth or fifth floor, an old woman came out of a room, opened a door, nodded at me, the girls spoke to her, back she went, and in a second I was in a large desolate bedroom with scarcely an article of furniture.

I sat on a chair, felt both their tight little cunts, there was no virginity, made signs that I wanted them naked, and in a second both were so. — They scarcely had any clothing on, one only her frock, one had no stockings, both had no bonnets or head dress. — It was scorching hot weather. The bed looked so miserable that I wouldn’t lay down upon it, and put the taller of the two on to a large square heavy table which was in the centre of the room. — There was but one miserable tallow candle, and by its aid I looked well at the biggest girl’s cunt, which had plumpish lips and not a vestige of hair. Then I put the other one on the table, and found her cunt as bald. — Then one girl held out her hand for money, and I gave them what I promised — not quite eighteen pence English money — each looked at the other’s gift, seemed satisfied, and both got on to the wretched dirty creaking bed — then from their small stature, and the look of their cunts, I guessed they neither were more than twelve years old
—
I tried to ascertain that but couldn’t make myself understood.

Fear of disease came over me — taking up the candle, and out of my pocket a few pesetas, I managed to make known that I needed another light. The shorter girl, naked as she was, took the candle and money, and going across the landing to the old woman’s room, returned with a small oil lamp. Left in the dark excepting what light came into the room from the star-lighted heavens, and still half in fear, I felt my companion’s cunt, which civility she reciprocated by feeling for my cock. Directly the second light was brought she began to unbutton me. When it was visible, both girls handled it at the same time in a knowing way, smiling and speaking I know not what.

It wasn’t quite stiff, but soon became so as I felt their two bums during their investigation of my doodle. — Directly its rigidity was complete, the eldest threw herself again on the bed and opened her thighs, but the bed so disgusted me, that shaking my head I pointed to the table, whereon she mounted the table by the help of a chair, then I put the other girl by the side of her, and fetching the dirty bolster put it under their heads — they laughed and seemed to enjoy the position.

Fear of disease again came over me, so as well as I could, I tried to ask whether they were in health, and suppose they understood as both nodded and repeated “Bono — Bono.” — Then one held the candle at the other’s cunt, and my shrinking cock swelled up again, for the quim looked all right and inviting. The lass pulled open her quim lips wide for my inspection. Both now laughed loud as if it were a capital joke, then both sitting upon the table felt my machine again, and I their cunts with both my hands. — Then one snuffed the candle with her fingers, and wiped them on her hair.

Prudence still prevailed. — Shaking my head I replaced my truncheon, which seemed to annoy the lass at whose split I had actually for a moment pointed it. The one spoke of the “Senora” and I think was going to call her for testimony to their healthiness — “bono,” so very often being said, whilst the other officiously got hold of my tool and nodded her head. Then I thought to let her masturbate me, laying hold of her hand to indicate my wishes, she began at my tool. I sat down, she got off the table, and then I thought I’d frig
her.
Nothing loath, she sitting on my knee let me, the other silently watching the operation, which went on till my girl I suppose feeling the pleasure, interrupted me, and saying in Spanish, — “No, fuck me” — brisk as a flea she got on to the table again and placed herself there with thighs wide apart.

I’d got my prick now to fever heat — prudence adieu — next minute her cunt was stretched by my pego, and the randy little child spent as she received my injection. I could see it in her face, feel it in her cunt. The other girl stood quite close looking on at the operation.

There was no towel, and she with my libation trickling on to her thighs, ran naked across the landing to the old woman and fetched a dingy napkin. Cooler now, I looked at both their diminutive quims, one only I found had little black hairs just showing on the motte. I guessed and understood them to be thirteen years old, perhaps younger, for hair grows early on the cunts of southerners. Both I’m sure had had plenty of fucking. The one I hadn’t tailed then sat on the pot on the table, and I made her piddle. Not knowing my way back I asked them to show me the way. The old woman appeared as I was leaving and I gave her a trifle, I suppose for the room. The girls went ahead of me, an empty cab appeared and giving the girls a tip I got into it, naming the street in which my hotel was.

Some days after at S
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v
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e when leaving the bull ring, I saw a handsomely dressed, middle-size woman, exquisitely beautiful, come out. Two or three Spanish gentlemen were with her all talking and gesticulating good humouredly. Money was exchanged, and I guessed they were settling bets. She seemed excited and delighted, parted with them, and not finding a conveyance, which seemed to annoy her much, stood fanning herself and hailing every vehicle. I had one and stopped the driver, fascinated by her beauty, feeling sure she was a Cyprian and lust then began to tingle my pego. I felt such a passionate desire to possess her, that reckless of consequences, no knowing more than a few words of the language, I made a sign that a seat was at her service. — The next minute she was sitting beside me.

Then was the difficulty. — She spoke — I shook my head. — She laughed, spoke more, I intimated I didn’t understand. — “Holy Virgin” she said tapped me with her fan, told the coachman something and off he drove rapidly, — she chattering to me all the way — I trying to make myself understood. The chariot stopped on the outskirts not far from the ring at a decent looking house. By that time I had reflected, and after helping her down, bowed and was going away tho my prick was erect. But she laid hold of my arm and pointed to the house, making at the same time a movement of her mouth as if kissing. — It was irresistible and I followed her to a suite of rooms on the first floor.