“Have you tried to think about all the happy memories with your family? You need to keep those alive and on the forefront of your mind,” Jeanine said kindly.
“I try…so hard, but even the happy ones make me feel heartache because I go back to thinking of how I lost them and how I can’t have any new memories.” I inhaled deeply. “It crushes me like a tidal wave, and then I feel regret and hate and shame,” I mumbled off the last few words, losing myself to my emotions.
“Why do you feel regret, hate, and shame?”
This part was the hardest. To admit it to myself was one thing, but to voice it out loud would be entirely different. “I feel regret for not stopping or swerving. I wish that I had driven slower, so we could have been in a different place at a different time.” I faltered before continuing. I had to make myself express the feelings I had never revealed to anyone, but it was time to get it out. “I feel hatred for the man who crossed the median and forever changed my life. He took my family away, leaving me all alone…and I feel ashamed of myself for feeling that way toward someone.”
Jeanine and Kyle both sat in silence for a moment, absorbing my words.
“Hate can be a powerful emotion, Lily. It can be stronger than forgiveness if you let it.”
“That’s what I fear,” I admitted for the first time. “I want to forgive…but I can’t,” I whispered.
“Can’t…or maybe you’re not ready?” she asked carefully.
I was quiet for a moment, going over my thoughts in the privacy of my mind. “I’m hoping for the latter,” I answered honestly.
“Well then, let’s keep working on moving forward.” Jeanine paused. “By the tone of your voice when you referred to the other driver, it sounds as though you knew him personally. Is that a correct assumption?”
I did not like the direction of where this conversation was going. Avoidance was easier. My body stiffened as I debated my response. With his arm still over my shoulders, Kyle’s hand moved up and down my arm, stroking softly, and he placed his other hand on my thigh in a supportive gesture. His eyes silently expressed that if I didn’t answer now, we’d be having this discussion in the near future.
I decided to get it over with. “Yes,” I confessed.
“I see.” She paused again. “I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and feelings about him, and then we’ll talk about it more in our next session.”
“Okay,” I agreed, not sure if I would actually elaborate on my feelings concerning that topic. That was something I had
never
spoken to anyone about. Those were very disturbing thoughts that plagued only my mind.
“So, how did you feel at the graves? Did you feel better when you finally visited them?”
I took another deep breath. The bad news just kept coming like sharp knives, one at a time. It was hard to see the light with so much negativity. “Yes, in part, but that changed.”
“Changed how?” she probed.
Tears streamed freely down my face. I didn’t want to accept the truth, a truth I had known nothing about. “I found out that my sister, Annie, was pregnant when she died,” I choked out.
I must have stunned Jeanine because she was silent for a short time. I tilted my head to the side, so I could discreetly wipe away my tears.
“You…you found that out just this last Sunday?” She couldn’t hide her own astonishment.
I closed my eyes. “Yes.”
“Oh, Lily,” she said compassionately, “I’m so sorry. How do you feel about that?”
“A bit betrayed that I wasn’t told by my sister or my aunt. I also feel so very hurt that I took another life…a life that never had the chance to begin.”
“
Lily…
”
Jeanine spoke with tenderness and understanding. “That was not your fault. The accident report more than proves that it was one hundred percent the other driver’s fault. But I completely understand the shock and heartache you feel from the additional loss. May I ask how you are just now finding this out?”
“My aunt never told me. She wanted to, but she hesitated because I was already too emotional. Then, I left, and she didn’t want to tell me over the phone. On Sunday, I read it on the tombstone.” I closed my eyes, recollecting the way each word was carved into the stone. “Annie Marie Tidsdale and unborn child.”
“And what happened with your aunt after you found out?”
“I haven’t talked to her yet.” I shook my head, knowing that a conversation with Aunt Lucie was coming soon. “But I plan to.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Talking through it will help you and your aunt. You both need closure in order to move onward with your relationship.”
I nodded, not sure on my feelings about talking with my aunt.
“Well, Lily, I think you’re doing great. I know it seems rough, but you’re taking steps in the right direction. I’ll be in touch soon. Keep your head up, sweetie.”
We said our good-byes, and I exited the session. I lowered the top of my laptop to close it, and then I set it off to the side of the couch. I immediately turned to snuggle into Kyle’s chest. I felt a little better after talking with Jeanine. It had felt good to vent, and our conversations seemed to help me let go of my negative feelings. I liked that Jeanine had not tried to push too hard either. I was okay with steps, and so was she.
My phone beeped, and I saw a text from Brooke.
Hey, lady, check your email! Need you to review some excerpts from your last book for marketing and return some other quick paperwork. Also, send me a few teasers from the book you’re working on now. ;) Hope your visit is going well. *hugs*
I sent a quick text back.
Okay, I’ll get on it soon. Visit is so-so. I’ll tell you more later. Miss you!
She replied immediately.
Miss you, too! And stay strong! Call me if you need to talk. *bigger hugs*
I shut my phone and cuddled back into Kyle’s arms. He brought me closer against his body and kissed my forehead.
“Hey, you. How are you doing?” he asked.
I took a deep breath, taking in his scent that I loved so much. Just the smell of him could calm my raging nerves. “I’m alright. I’m trying to process all my thoughts that are running wild in my mind.”
Kyle was quiet for a few minutes. Breaking the silence, he finally asked in a low tone, “Who was the other driver, Lily?”
I stared blankly at him for a moment. His direct question caught me off guard. I should have known he’d still want to talk about it even though he’d heard my explanation to Jeanine.
“It was Ted’s brother, Peter,” I whispered.
Kyle’s eyes widened. “Your parents’ close friend, Ted?”
I looked down at my hands as I folded them in my lap. “Yes.”
“Wow,” Kyle breathed, stunned.
I glanced back up at him. “Yes, I was shocked, too. Living in a small town made it even worse. Ted, Jane, A.J., and Meg were really kind and sincere about it, but it was still awkward afterward. We were all grieving. Everyone in my family along with Ted and Jane wondered how I’d survived…when everyone else had died on impact. I suffered through many injuries, but I still survived.”
Kyle kept his eyes on mine. He patiently waited for me to elaborate as he held my hands in his, caressing them reassuringly.
“Peter had left a local bar, and he was on his way home. His blood alcohol level was well over the limit. He fell asleep behind the wheel and then crossed over the median into our lane. Time was against me,” I said quietly. “There just wasn’t enough time to react. I couldn’t avoid hitting him.”
“I’m so sorry, Lily,” Kyle said in a soothing tone.
“During the following days, everyone wanted to comfort me. I felt like I couldn’t mourn. I had so many people surrounding me when I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to smile or be polite. I wanted to kick and scream and cry because the people I wanted the most weren’t here anymore.”
The room filled with silence as heartache radiated throughout every part of my heart and soul. My hands trembled in between Kyle’s as I leaned into him. This was the very thing I’d desperately wanted to avoid. Talking about specific details wasn’t making it any better. It was just putting it all in the forefront of my mind, crushing me all over again, and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.
“I want to go home,” I stated, just above a whisper.
Kyle eyed me thoughtfully. “What about the rest of the things to do here? I thought you wanted to finish,” he said gently.
I huffed, exasperated. “I know. I have one more room to sort through, and then I need to talk to Aunt Lucie. After that, we’re leaving.” I was not sure how much more I could handle.
He kissed my cheek. “Whatever you want, Lily. Just say the word, and we’re gone. We can always come back when you’re ready. No one said you had to sort it all out in one week.”
“I know.” I sighed. “But I want it to be done. I can’t move on with my life with all these gray areas.” I leaned up and kissed him on the lips. “But I have to go review some things for Brooke now and then email her back. I might be a few hours.”
“Okay, I’ll come and get you when it’s time for dinner. I have some work to do myself.”
“Sounds good.” I looked up at him and smiled. “And thank you.” I gave him another kiss on his lips, lingering for a moment, before I stood. “See you in a bit.”
I grabbed my laptop and went up to my bedroom to catch up on my emails. It was a bit surreal to be working in my old bedroom, but I quickly got into my groove. Brooke had sent me an email to verify my deadline for the second novel, and I replied with my updated time frame. I was very confident I would be done on time if not sooner.
I wrote out a synopsis with plots and character development to give them an overview of the book. I was not one hundred percent positive on the outcome, but at this point, I was pretty sure of the direction I was leaning toward. But a writer’s mind could change at any moment. Until it was on paper, nothing was definite.
Choosing teasers from a book was always difficult for me. I wanted to give readers awesome parts to draw their attention, but I did not want to give away too much and spoil the surprise. I would usually pick out too many scenes, and Brooke would have to rein me in.
I chuckled, thinking of some of our previous conversations about teasers. After reviewing what I suggested, she would huff about it, telling me I needed more, less, or something different altogether. I laughed out loud as I chose one of my steamy sex scenes to send to her, just to rile her up a bit with my newly discovered, unfiltered side that seemed to shine on paper.
My mood lightened tremendously as I lost myself in my work for a few hours. I reread my novel to check for errors or inconsistencies. It was a good breather from the reality of my life over the past several days. I loved revisiting my stories. My characters seemed so realistic to me. With a joke here or a phrase there, it was odd how I could see a part of myself in my work. It was probably because I would spend hours upon hours letting them flow freely in my mind.
I jotted down a couple of notes in my massive notebook that was full of storylines or dialogue, including names and info about my characters. It was how I kept it all straight in my head. To others, it probably looked like a train wreck, but to me, it was organized as it should be.
I was just about to send off my last email when Kyle knocked softly on the door. I turned to see him leaning on the door frame.
“I was checking to see if you were done yet,” he said.
“I am sending my last email, and then I’m finished.” I saved my document and attached it to the email. After sending it, I shut down my laptop.
I walked over to Kyle and stopped in front of him. “After we eat, I thought I would work on Annie’s room,” I said quietly, trying to hide the dread I was feeling. I wanted to avoid that last bedroom, but I knew I could not run from it.
Kyle shook his head. “Not today, Lily,” he said softly.
I wanted to agree with him, but I knew I needed to complete the last bedroom. “I want to finish. I need this to be done and over with.” My voice wavered.
“Tomorrow.” His tone was final. Kyle extended his arm, and his thumb gently gripped my chin and tipped my head up until our eyes met. “I can’t stand the sadness in your eyes anymore today, Lily. I need it to just be me and you, and so do you,” he said.
“Okay,” I surrendered. I was too drained to put up a fight anyway.
Maybe he’s right after all.
“Thank you.” He seemed relieved. He grazed my cheeks with his knuckles before kissing me tenderly. “Ready?”
“Yes.”
He twined my hand with his and led me down the stairs. We walked into the kitchen, and I noticed there was no food out.
“I thought we were eating?” I asked, confused.
“We are,” he replied nonchalantly.
“We aren’t eating here?” My voice was skeptical. The sun was beginning to set. I was tired, and I was ready for my PJs. Not to mention, I was a mess and too emotionally drained to go out in public.
“We are going on a date.”
“A date?” I screeched. “But I’m a mess. I’m not even dressed for a date.”
He grinned at me before turning around and rummaging in a backpack that I hadn’t even noticed was on the counter. He pulled out a hoodie that matched the Army shirt he had on. “Here. You’ll need this. And you look beautiful the way you are.”
He put the hoodie over my head and tucked my arms into the sleeves. I could not stifle my laugh as he dressed me.
He took a small step back, and his eyes roamed up and down my body, glazing over. “Fuck.”
I gave him a questioning look. “What?” I asked nervously.
“You look fucking hot in my clothes, especially my hoodie.” He shook his head. “It’s distracting.”
I snorted.
Now you know how I feel every day.
His whole body had a way of sidetracking me anytime he was in close proximity to me.
When he pulled out another hoodie and tugged it over his head, it was my turn to gape at him.
Damn! He looks hot even in a hoodie! It should be a sin to look like that.
The black hoodie contrasted against Kyle’s skin tone perfectly. His hair was still tousled from lying in my bed earlier. I wanted to reach up and run my fingers through it. My eyes dropped to his unshaven face, and desire bloomed within me. I yearned to feel him beneath my hands.