Murder at the High School Reunion (3 page)

I was so worn out and starved that I didn’t do much
the rest of the day except eat and sleep. Of course some people say that’s all
I do anyway. They don’t realize how much reading I do.

I was hoping for a return back to mundaneness, but
that wasn’t going to happen. In some ways, the next day was worse, because the
next day I had to do something I dreaded each time it happened. Not only did I
have to walk despite all the aches and pains I had in places that I didn’t know
existed, but it was the day when I had to drag myself in for my every-six-month
physical, listen to Doc complain about the sorry shape I was in, and then
convince him to pass me again. Only this time it was different. This time Doc
was more obstinate than I was.

“Cy, do you realize that you’ve gained weight?”

“Your scales must be off.”

“Nope, and they’re the same scales I use each time I
need to check your weight or weigh some livestock. Only this time, instead of
the much-too-heavy three-hundred-three pounds you usually weigh, you weigh in
at three-eleven. Cy, that’s just too much. I’m not going to pass you.”

“Oh, come on, Doc.”

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, Cy. I’ll give you two
weeks to get down to two-hundred-ninety-nine pounds. Until then, you’re not to
do any work. And I guess you’ve heard about those two missing people from the
high school reunion. Most people think they’re dead. Cy, if we find the bodies
and you don’t have the weight off yet, you’re off the case. Use Lou as a
measuring stick. It took him forever, but see how much better he looks now. Do
you want him to have to solve a case without you? Maybe George will have to
help him. And I understand that some people have been telling Heather she ought
to put in a request for a transfer to homicide when you and Lou retire. What if
she and Lou decide to team up because you’re not in shape to handle the work?”

“Doc, I’ve been doing this work for over thirty
years!”

“And you’re getting older. If you don’t get the weight
off and get your body in better shape, you might not be with us much longer. I
don’t want to attend your funeral, Cy. Now, do what I tell you. I’ll see you in
two weeks.”

“But, Doc.”

“I’ll see you in two weeks. In the meantime, change
your eating habits and start exercising. You know what to do. Now, do it.”

“So, Doc, did you put your five dollars in the pot,
the one about when they find those dead bodies?”

“I did. I have next Tuesday.”

“There are so many people in on this thing the best I
could get is the Tuesday two weeks after you. Lou’s got the day after me.”

“Well, maybe if one of you wins, you’ll have enough
time to get your weight off and solve the case.”

I mumbled something in response and walked out of
Doc’s office a defeated man. I knew he meant business this time. I didn’t know
which would be tougher, exercising or changing my eating habits, but I knew I
had to do both of them, and I had to start that day, not the next.

+++

I’d gone alone for my physical. Lou was at his place,
doing other things. That meant that I could go ahead and plan my attack. I
wasn’t sure whether to tell Lou or not, but I’d thought of this scenario many
times. If it ever came to my having to do some type of exercise, I knew what my
choice would be.

I’d weighed my options. Going walking or jogging in my
neighborhood wasn’t an option. I lived next-door to the world’s worst neighbor,
Heloise Humphert. She was always hitting on me, wanting me to co-habitate. If I
left the house, she and that rat of hers would follow me, and even headphones
wouldn’t save me from that grating voice of hers. So, walking in my
neighborhood was out. So was walking at the mall. What if someone saw me, knew
that I was a cop? Imagine if someone started spreading the rumor that some cop
was in such sorry shape that all the old people were passing him. They might
start asking for my job, saying it belongs to someone younger, someone in
better shape. Well, it probably does, but right now there’s no one in Hilldale
qualified to do what I’ve done for many years. So, walking at the mall was out.
For the same reason, as well as the fact that I’m not sure I could live through
all that exercise, was joining a gym. That’s not for me.

There was only one route for me to go, exercising
inside my home. I’d break any exercise bike, and I couldn’t stand hopping up on
a treadmill and going nowhere. No, exercise would have to be fun. I’d either
buy a Wii, Wii Fit Plus, and some of the Wii sports games, and/or a dance game,
or some video I could pause or turn off and on until I could keep up with those
doing the same exercises. I had to choose, Wii Fit Plus or Richard Simmons and
Sweatin’
To The Oldies?
I wasn’t sure if I could stand looking at Richard Simmons.

I wouldn’t waste any time. I’d go to the mall, buy
some kind of system, and hire someone under the age of thirty to hook it up for
me.

+++

I called Lou, made some excuse as to why I couldn’t
meet him for lunch that day, and then headed for the mall to seek out some
expert about what I might need to get Doc off my back. I spent fifteen minutes
listening to some guy who might not have been old enough to vote. Since he
seemed to know all about the Wii, I listened to him and took his advice.

I arrived home and called, Mark, my yard boy, to see
if he would come over and hook up my system for me. I swore him to secrecy. He
arrived and had everything up and going in no time at all. He insisted on
staying and helping me design my own Mii, the cartoon character which would be
me on the screen. I was treading on dangerous ground. I’m sure Lou has a Mii
for his system, but I didn’t want any of the guys downtown asking to see my
Mii. I could imagine what George, or Frank, the medical examiner, would have to
say about that.

Mark wanted to make sure I could navigate my system,
so he inserted the discs for first Wii Sports, then Wii Sports Resort, and
walked me through some of the games. The next thirty minutes went by quickly.

Next, Mark slid in the disc for the Wii Fit Plus. I
found my Mii, and it was time for me to weigh. Mark turned his head while I
listened to some cartoon character tell me I was obese. I already knew that. I
wanted someone to tell me how proud it was of me for mounting that stupid
board. I noticed that the Wii showed me that I weighed three pounds less than
Doc’s scale said I did. More than likely, Doc’s scale is a little heavy, but it
could be that I lost a little weight on my trip to the mall, or it was a
delayed reaction to my trek through the wilderness.

I was already vaguely familiar with the Wii and the
Wii Fit, and the Wii Fit Plus is an updated version of the original Wii Fit,
with a few more bells and whistles. I got conned into trying the original at
Lou’s apartment one time, in front of our dates, Betty and Thelma Lou. I
remembered that it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. But this time was
different. This time I knew that I couldn’t get by doing only one exercise, and
doing it only one time. Doc meant business.

I thanked Mark for his help and paid him for his time.
He didn’t want to take my money, but I convinced him that he’d saved me days of
frustration. I watched Mark walk out the door and down the steps. I made sure
that no one was hiding in the bushes and then walked over to begin my pain and
agony. As I mounted the board, I focused on seeing the look on Doc’s face when
I weighed in two weeks.

Mark told me that the Basic Step exercise would be one
of the easier ones to start with. All I had to do was step up onto and back off
of the board without stubbing my toe, while trying to do this in rhythm. I did
four repetitions before I was sure I was dying. After a break until I could
breathe normally again, I mounted the board a second time. I tried hula
hooping, basic stepping, and something else. One of them twice. I wanted to
weigh, to see if I’d gotten down to two-ninety-nine. I wasn’t sure if I could
live through a second workout on the Wii Fit.

It was then that I remembered I can lose weight easier
by watching what I eat, rather than sweating it off. It was time to go to the
computer to see what I could Google about weight loss. Three hours later, I was
a changed man. Changed because I wasn’t quite as confused as
before
I
got on the computer. Actually, I studied several ways to lose weight and
decided to follow what made the most sense to me. I learned how much to eat,
and what to eat. I thought I was going to have to eat some kind of foul-tasting
cereal and foods that didn’t look like food. Instead, I found out I could eat
bacon and eggs for breakfast, just not the whole larder.

I ran across a formula that told me how much I could
eat and still lose weight. I could begin by eating twenty-four-hundred calories
a day and still lose weight. After I’d lost a considerable amount of weight, I
might have to cut back a little.

I studied to find out how much meat to eat at one
meal, which was considerably less than I was used to eating. I read that if I
ate the right percentage of protein each day, it would satisfy my hunger, and
keep me from being hungry all the time and pigging out like I had been used to
doing at every meal. I learned that sugar, soft drinks, and processed foods
were my biggest enemies. Did that mean I had to wave goodbye to those two
desserts I ate at every meal? I figured it did. I also learned that there were
books and calculators that would let me know how many of each thing was in
every food. I even learned that there were websites I could go to to find out
how many calories and grams of fat there were in foods at chain restaurants. I
hadn’t been in the habit of eating at chain restaurants, but this was good to
know, anyway.

I got so engrossed in studying nutrition and ways to
lose weight that by the time I looked at my watch, it was 5:00. There was no way I could avoid Lou the rest of my life. It was time to call him, to let him in
on my secret.

“Lou, it’s Cy.”

“It’s about time you called me.”

“Lou, I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, no! You’ve got cancer.”

“Not unless you know something I don’t.”

“So, you have to have open heart surgery.”

“Have you been talking to someone?”

“Actually, I have. I called Doc. I knew your physical
was today, and you canceled lunch on me, so I called him to see what’s wrong
with you.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He wouldn’t tell me anything. You know that
doctor-patient confidentiality thing. So, I guess you’ll have to tell me.
What’ve you got?”

“I got a Wii, Lou.”

“Cy, I think we’ve got a bad connection. It sounded
like you said you have a Wii. All kidding aside, what’s wrong with you?”

“Well, I was a little out of breath after ten
minutes.”

“You mean you, the guy who swore never to get near a
Wii again, the guy who didn’t want me to talk about Wiiing, went out and bought
a Wii. Did you lose a bet, or take up drinking?”

“Neither. I went to see Doc. He told me that I’d
gained eight pounds, and if I don’t lose twelve pounds in two weeks I’m
through, and you’ll be working with Heather.”

“He did, huh? So, how’d you like to go out and pig out
at our favorite buffet tonight?”

“Not funny.”

“I thought it was. Okay, you win. I’ll settle for
seeing Heather after hours.”

“What about Thelma Lou?”

“Okay, I’ll see one of them on the days we don’t have
to solve someone’s murder, and the other one at night. How’s that?”

The silence on my end told Lou that I was serious
about losing weight, and then going after Heather, who was almost one hundred
years my junior.

“Cy, this is a big moment. I’ll tell you how big. Why
don’t I come over to your place?”

“Could you wait a while? Heather’s on her way over
now.”

“In your dreams. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.
I’ll become your trainer and make a new man out of you.”

I hung up, quite surprised. Lou never backed his red,
1957 Chevy out of driveway for anything other than an emergency or a double
date. He preferred riding shotgun, unless we were taking Betty and Thelma Lou
out to eat. Thelma Lou was his love interest and had been for a while. Betty
and I were merely company for each other. I was still in love with my Eunice,
who died of cancer many years ago, and Betty still loved Hugh, who died a few
years ago.

+++

Lou came popping in ten minutes later, a smile all
over his face.

“So, Cy, let me show you how to make a Mii.”

“I already have a Mii.”

“I mean your likeness for the Wii.”

“I mean that, too.”

“I should’ve known. There’s no way you could hook this
up yourself, so whoever hooked it up for you showed you how to use it, and
created a Mii for you.”

“You think you’re so smart.”

“So, who did it, Mark, your yard boy?”

“How’d you know it was Mark?”

“Well, I didn’t think you’d invite your next-door
neighbor over, and surely you wouldn’t let anyone else on the force know you
bought a Wii. And you don’t know anyone else.”

“What about the people at church?”

“You wouldn’t know which one to ask. Say, Cy, when did
you get a computer?”

“I’ve had that a while. I can Google, too.”

“What’s Google?”

“Lou, you teach me about Wiiing and I’ll teach you how
to use a computer. You need to buy one, you know. It’s time for you to come out
of the dark ages.”

I showed Lou my plan of attack, what I planned to eat.
He thought it looked better than the stuff he was eating, but since he’d lost
almost fifty pounds, he wasn’t sure whether to change or not.

After we discussed food for a while, Lou and I Wiied.
Old Smart Aleck twisted and turned, stepped on and stepped off my board for
twenty minutes. I could do only ten minutes. Of course Lou needed to create a
Mii before he started. After a while we ordered pizza, a thin-crust veggie one,
and both of us ate only two pieces. I wasn’t sure how Rosie would react the
next morning when Lou and I showed up at the Blue Moon and I ordered two eggs,
two pieces of bacon, broccoli, and a medium-size green apple. At least the Blue
Moon wouldn’t continue to be a temptation. The next day, Friday, would be the
last day the Blue Moon would be open for a while, and maybe the last time
period. We’d eat breakfast there, linger a while, and then Lou and I would head
to the grocery. It would be hard learning how to cook. I usually ate out or
opened a package or a can of something. I assumed I would curtail eating out,
and packaged and canned foods were some of the biggest no-noes on my new menu
plan.

+++

I went to the grocery after we left the Blue Moon. Lou
helped me, so I managed to find everything in a little over four hours. We
unloaded my purchases into the refrigerator and my pantry. I was tired, so we
went out for lunch and dinner. I’d already decided that it would be easier to
begin my new diet with breakfast.

The next morning, I opted for a couple of hardboiled
eggs, two pieces of bacon, a cup of broccoli, and a pear. I thought I could
figure out how to prepare the pear. I even had an idea on the broccoli and the
bacon, but I had no idea about the eggs. Oh, I knew I needed to put them in
water and boil them. I just didn’t know how long to cook them. While I didn’t
know how to fix them, I knew someone at Google would, so I rushed to the
computer. It was a good thing I did.  My guess was to stick the eggs in boiling
water and let them boil on high for three minutes. Google, on the other hand,
recommended that I add them to cold water, bring the eggs to a boil on medium
heat in a covered pan, then turn the burner down to simmer and let them simmer
for fourteen minutes. Google even told me how to extract said eggs from the
shell without losing half my egg or eating some of the shell. Believe it or
not, I managed to do that without much of a problem. Still, all of this work
was harder than telling Rosie what I wanted to eat each morning.