Mrs. Lieutenant: A Sharon Gold Novel (36 page)

"I am. I'm leaving Nelson."

"Now?"

Wendy tosses her head. "You know how I'm
driving home with Kim?"

They worked this out together after they all
offered to drive back with Kim. Wendy's the obvious choice. Her
parents live not that far from Kim's sister. They will come get
Wendy and take her to the airport near their home so she can fly
back to Louisville.

"I'm not coming back."

Sharon waits as Wendy stares at the pond
scum.

"I love Nelson. I just can't stand to be with
him until right before he goes to Vietnam. I wouldn't know how to
say good-bye."

"Have you told Nelson?"

Wendy shakes her head.

"When are you going to tell him?"

"I'll write him a letter as soon as I get
home."

Sharon stares at Wendy, then glances at the
newspaper with its ominous headlines.

In her mind Sharon sees Bonnie Morgen in her
wedding gown pause at the top of the red carpet so that she can be
admired by the 300 wedding guests. On her left Sharon's parents
smile. Are they imagining Sharon in Bonnie's place? On her right
Robert sits erect, his eyes straight ahead. He has been quiet ever
since they took their seats in the ballroom of the Ambassador
Hotel.

This whole past school year he has not
repeated his offer of marriage. It's almost as if he has decided
not to ask her to make such a tremendous commitment. And after
several months he still has heard nothing from the army about his
request for a branch transfer from infantry to MI – a transfer
request based on the army correspondence course in psychological
warfare he took and his master’s degree in communications to be
awarded this month.

The rabbi recites the marriage ceremony as
Bonnie and Neil stand together under the
chupah
, the
marriage canopy. The white satin gown's train trails down the red
carpet, a road leading to marriage.

Sharon reaches over and takes Robert's hand.
Is he thinking that Kenneth never had the chance to marry? To
pledge himself to another for life no matter how long – or how
short – that life is?

Sharon feels her heart flutter. Is she being
selfish in refusing to marry Robert before he goes into the army?
Couldn't marriage help Robert through this difficult duty he's
convinced he must do? And, if he goes to Vietnam, wouldn't marriage
give him something to stay alive for: his wife waiting for him back
home. Would having a wife back home have helped Kenneth to
survive?

Now Bonnie turns to face Neil as he recites
the ancient marriage formula while placing a ring on her left
pointer finger: "
Harai at mekudeshet lee, b'ta-ba-at zu, k'dat
Mosheh v'Yisrael
.
" Bonnie repeats the words in English:
"Be sanctified to me with this ring in accordance with the law of
Moses and Israel."

In accordance with the law of Moses and
Israel, Sharon repeats to herself.

Jews faced death from so many people over
hundreds of years – the Crusaders, the Inquisition, Cossack-led
pogroms, the Nazis’ gas chambers – with rituals that affirmed the
celebration of life – continuing to marry and have children in the
face of the most terrible survival odds. Aren’t Robert’s odds
somewhat better?

Sharon's hand in Robert's shakes as she
whispers in his ear: "Robert, I'll marry you now if you still want
me to. Before you go into the army."

Sharon turns to face Wendy. “None of us ever
talk about Vietnam to each other. It's as if we all believe that if
we don't talk about it then the war doesn't exist."

Wendy nods.

"Let me tell you something. I wasn't going to
marry Robert until after he finished his time in the army. I was
against the war – still am. I didn't want to be connected even by
marriage to the war machine. And, if I'm truthful, I didn't want to
face being a widow."

"What changed your mind?"

"Partly Robert's friend Kenneth. He ... he
was killed in Vietnam." Sharon chokes back a sob. "I eventually
realized how selfish I was. If I loved Robert, then I should
treasure every day with him. My politics – and my own fears – were
not as important as my love for Robert. Finally I said yes."

Sharon looks at Wendy.

"Do you understand what I'm saying? You owe
it to Nelson and yourself to have every day you can together. And,
God forbid anything happens, you'll be the survivor. You'll have to
live with yourself. You don't want to have deserted your husband
when he needed you most."

Wendy's tears irrigate their clasped hands.
"I’ll come back," she says.

**

Thirty minutes later Sharon turns off the
engine in her apartment parking lot after driving Wendy home.
Sharon feels queasy. It’s an awesome responsibility to give people
advice on life and death issues.

She remembers, before the wedding ceremony,
the rabbi in the privacy of the synagogue building's lounge
instructing Robert to lift her veil. As Robert raises the short
piece of tulle attached to Sharon's bridal headdress, uncovering
her face, the rabbi says, "You have now had the opportunity to
ensure that the bride is the one you intended." Sharon and Robert
both smile.

"This custom comes from the story in the
Bible where Jacob thought he was marrying Rachel and instead was
given her older sister Leah," the rabbi says. "Now we let the groom
check that he has the right wife."

The rabbi lowers the veil back in place.
"Sharon," he says, "why don't you wait here for a few minutes? I'll
get everyone in their places and then someone will come for
you."

Robert squeezes her hand and follows the
rabbi out of the room. She is all alone.

Except for the memorial plaques on the room's
walls. The English and Hebrew names of the deceased synagogue
members commemorated on these metal plaques. Sharon's finger traces
the raised lettering of one name.

The two little girls play bride dress-up with
their mothers’ old white tablecloths. "I'll be your maid of honor
and you'll be mine," Sharon lisps between two missing front teeth.
She twirls around to glimpse her make-believe dress train in the
full-length mirror.

"Silly," her playmate says. "One of us will
have to be the matron of honor. We can't both be maids of
honor."

“
Receptions are commonplace in the Army and need
not be thought of as a bore, but anticipated with pleasure if you
are self-assured and know what to do.”
Mrs.
Lieutenant
booklet

Two days later Kim places the picture frame
in her suitcase, the glass not yet replaced. Perhaps it never will
be.

This last suitcase she adds to the packed
car. Then she sits in the empty apartment with Squeaky in his cage
at her feet. She's ready.

It's wonderful of Wendy to drive home to
North Carolina with her. Sharon and Donna also offered to come, but
one is enough. And it makes sense for that one to be Wendy. Her
parents live nearby and she can visit with them before returning to
Louisville.

At first Kim worried about Jim's parents'
reaction to Wendy. Then she realized she is free to do what she
wants. No foster parents, no jealous husband.

She may still not like all blacks, Puerto
Ricans, and Jews, but she likes Wendy, Donna, and Sharon. They are
her friends.

Sharon worked so hard not to bring Kim to the
hospital when she swallowed the pills. Sharon didn't want to
blemish Jim's army career. Now Jim has no career and Kim ended up
at the hospital anyway.

Sharon has told Kim over and over again that
what happened is not her fault. "Kim, you didn't cause Jim's death.
A flaw in Jim's personality killed him."

By running away from the convenience store
Kim avoided the questions of the MPs. This time she couldn't run
away. Flanked by Sharon and Robert, Kim answered their questions.
"Why did your husband have a gun with him? Why did he threaten the
black MP?"

Robert arranged for Jim's body to be shipped
back home. He also worked with army officials on the paperwork for
Kim's widow benefits. If Jim's parents give her nothing because
there's no will, she won't be penniless. Robert disposed of Jim's
army uniforms and offered to pack the rest of Jim's stuff. She
wanted to do that herself – something she could do for Jim.

Susanna and Bill and the children stopped by
the apartment to offer their condolences. Bill stood in her living
room holding Billy. "I'm terribly sorry about your husband," he
said. "You should be all right with your army dependent
benefits."

How many letters had he written home for men
killed under his command in Vietnam? How many times had he told
parents or wives that their son or husband died defending their
country? And how many times here in the States had he been the one
sent to deliver in person the terrible news, the news that no one
could ever take back?

Bill couldn't offer her the comforting words
that Jim died for his country. Except, of course, in a strange way
he had.

She didn't cry because Susanna cried for both
of them. Between sobs Susanna burst out the information that the
army would provide a hearing aid for Patty. Under the army's rules
for medical benefits for dependents, Patty wasn't entitled to
speech therapy until she started school at age five!

"We have to wait two more years, two more
years of Patty not speakin' right! I feel so terrible. She could
have had a hearin' aid sooner and she probably would be talkin'
better right now."

Kim hugged the little girl good-bye. Poor
Patty – a child who had both parents and yet had been treated no
better than an orphan.

As Kim watches through the living room
window, the three women drive into the parking lot. It’s a
momentous day for them – today Robert and Jerry declare going
voluntary indefinite; Nelson will not as he will apply for a
Regular Army post. Jim also would not have declared voluntary
indefinite. He would have ...

Kim forces herself to go out the door to meet
the others – Sharon in the lead, Wendy with a small suitcase in one
hand, and Donna back to her old self.

Kim couldn’t hang on to her husband – she
knew it was a fragile relationship – yet for the first time in her
life she has friends. Real friends who care about her.

"I'm sorry I won't be here for the play," Kim
says to Sharon as she reaches the women.

Sharon eyes Squeaky in his cage in Kim's
hand. "I'm thinking of calling off the whole thing. There’re only
two of us. And I'm not sure it's such a good idea."

"Don't call it off,” Kim says. “We worked so
hard. Ask someone else to help out."

"I don't know who to ask."

Wendy shifts her suitcase from one hand to
the other. "How about I reconsider – and take Kim’s part? I'll be
back in time for the luncheon."

"I don't want to get you in trouble with
Nelson," Sharon says.

Wendy smiles. "Leave Nelson to me."

Sharon places her hand on Kim's arm. "Before
you go," she says, "I have a confession to make to all of you."

Sharon looks at Wendy and Donna, then her
eyes return to Kim. "I seem confident, sure of who I am. It's true
that on the outside I've probably had an easier life growing up
than any of you. Yet we all have our secrets."

She glances down at her feet, then her eyes
return to Kim's face. "When I was 12 years old I vowed that I would
no longer share my secret thoughts with anyone."

"What made you do such a thing?" Donna
asks.

"It was my penance for something terrible I
did – I caused the deaths of four people."

"How!" Wendy gasps.

Sharon hesitates. "Tracy Fein was my best
friend. We had a secret club – just two members. Every Sunday
afternoon we met at my house. One Sunday Tracy didn't want to meet.
She called me on the phone:

"'My family is going shopping for new living
room furniture, Sharon. I want to go with them.'"

"'And miss our meeting?'"

"'Just this once.'"

"We took an oath. We pledged that we'd meet
every Sunday afternoon. Besides, we have new business to discuss.
My parents gave me some extra record money and we have to decide
which record to buy. You have to come over.'"

"'I'll ask my parents to drop me off on their
way to the furniture store.'"

"Tracy's family drove out of their way that
day to drop her off. On their detour to my house ... the brakes on
a five-ton truck failed and the truck slammed into them. Their car
didn't have seat belts. They were all killed – her parents, her
younger brother, Tracy." Tears stream down Sharon's face. "If I
hadn't insisted – demanded – that Tracy come over, she and her
family would be alive."

Kim wraps her arms around Sharon. Wendy and
Donna move closer.

Sharon pulls away. "That's when I resolved
not to replace Tracy's friendship. I've had friends since then, but
I've never shared the closeness I had with Tracy." She uses the
back of her hands to wipe her eyes.

"I just wanted you all to know what you mean
to me. I'm trusting you with my deepest secret."

Kim wipes the tears out of her own eyes. How
can she tell Sharon what it means to her, a defenseless orphan,
that someone as strong and self-confident as Sharon should also be
vulnerable? She hugs Sharon. "Thank you" is all Kim says.

Donna and Wendy also hug Sharon. "You weren't
responsible for their deaths," Wendy says. "They could have all
been killed on the direct way to the furniture store. If it was
their time to go …"

Sharon shakes her head, staring at the
ground. "That's too easy an out."

"Sharon," Donna says. Sharon raises her head.
"I've told you before, you can't blame yourself for things in the
past you can't change. You have to move on."