Mr. Darcy's Promise (34 page)

*****

To Elizabeth’s disappointment, Mr. Darcy ended up being quite the gentleman and made no attempts to kiss her again. Although her thoughts about having a normal honeymoon were fleeting last night, she was quite relieved that it did not happen. She wasn’t quite sure why she felt reserved; in fact, there were times when she wished he would be more assertive, take her in his strong arms and whisk her off to his room–– but most of the time she feared the unknown. She was unsure about altering the relationship they currently had. What they had built was beyond companionship, beyond friendship, and beyond her hopes. She feared that becoming his wife— in every sense of the word— might alter what she had learned to value so much. Her mind would tell her his kindness would carry over into the bedroom, but her heart would scream at her not to change a thing between them. One moment she would anticipate the change— usually after he touched her and made her body react the way it always did— but the next she worried that he would change once they were together as man and wife.

Most the time she could convince herself her fears were irrational, but this afternoon, as they neared Netherfield, her fears were allowed to run free. Would Jane notice the changes in her relationship with Mr. Darcy? Or worse, would she ask her about what it was like to be married in an attempt to lessen her own jitters? Elizabeth did not know if she could handle admitting to the absence of intimacy. She was ashamed of it for a reason that she could identify. Perhaps it was because she had never heard of a marriage without physical intimacy. Perhaps it was because everyone assumed it was a normal marriage, and she felt like she was deceiving all of those around her.

Elizabeth may have worried that Jane would notice too much, but she quickly realized that a good deal of her anxiety lay in the possibility that Mr. Bingley would notice too little. She doubted Mr. Darcy would have revealed any such thing before they left, and she doubted Jane told Bingley the circumstances surrounding their marriage. She closed her eyes and focused on the fact that Bingley was unaware of the uniquely precarious relationship William and she shared. Her stomach tightened into knots as her fears continued to multiply. Her palms were sweating and she felt short of breath. How could she remedy the problem?

Mr. Darcy had watched Elizabeth grow increasingly anxious over the last two hours. She had shifted her weight, fidgeted unceasingly, wrung her hands, avoided eye contact, and audibly sighed over and over again. The severity of her obvious discomfort only worsened as they entered Hertfordshire. He couldn’t imagine what was bothering her. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head. He wanted so much to help her, but he did not know what was wrong. He felt helpless in watching her distress worsen. He reached for her restless hands, but the m
oment he touched her, she jumped. He withdrew his fingers and put them in his own lap.

Elizabeth cast her eyes down to the ground, embarrassed she had flinched from his touch. “I am sorry. I was just distracted and was not expecting you to reach for my hand. It surprised me; that is all.” She reached over and brushed his hand for good measure.

Darcy knew that was not all. He couldn’t remember her flinching at his touch in quite some time. “If you do not tell me what is bothering you, I think I might just break a promise I made to you.” He watched as her head snapped up, looking quite startled.
I had scared her? Why?
Her anxiety must be severe indeed if she couldn’t tell he was teasing her. “I meant it when I said that I would not assume what your feelings and thoughts were, and I promised I would not do that. Please Elizabeth, tell me what is wrong. What did you think I meant?”

Elizabeth did not know what she had thought. Her mind had been so preoccupied thinking about how he had yet to take her to his bed that she hadn’t registered the humor in his words. She knew nothing could be humorous in the state she was in. “Forgive me. It appears I did not hear what you said,” she lied. She had indeed heard him, and her imagination was sensitive at best.

“Please tell me what is bothering you. Is it seeing your family again? Is it worry about the situation with Wickham? Because, I assure you, I will find him and put a stop to his threats.”

Elizabeth gazed out at the familiar countryside. She knew she was only a few miles from Netherfield. She took a deep breath to drink in the smell of the place she once called home.
Once. Not now. The thought surprised her. She was with William now, and Pemberley was home. As she looked at him, recognizing the depth of the worry in his eyes, she reminded herself that the relationship she did have with him was fragile. She was just as committed to strengthening it as she had been committed to being a good wife. Her mind offered her an ironic reminder that a good wife did not withhold secrets from her husband. She examined his face. She did not want to hurt him, but she was not ready to change the relationship quite yet. She wanted to feel a more natural progression of affection before they shared a room. “I was just wondering . . .” She stumbled on her words. “I was just wondering what Bingley’s plans were for sleeping arrangements.” Some part of her was astonished that she had the strength to say it so openly. She turned her head away from his, but not before she saw the awareness in his eyes.

She has been worrying about where she will sleep?
He could not believe that the question of where Bingley would put them was one that he hadn’t thought about until that moment. Bingley had plenty of spare rooms, but her worry about Bingley’s assumptions was not an incorrect one. Of course Bingley would assume they would prefer to share a bed, being newly married as they were. How could this not have occurred to him before now? He had no such problem on the road because the inns always had two rooms. She had never had to express such anxiety before because she did not have anyone but himself making those decisions, and God knew he was fully aware of the precarious relationship. Now Bingley would be making such a decision, and most likely it would be wrongly made. He could see now why she was so distressed.

To admit that they required two guest rooms meant admitting to their unique relationship, and this was something that Darcy did not wish Bingley to know. He hadn’t told anyone, not even his valet (although he was sure Martin suspected something) and he was not about to start telling Bingley. He watched Elizabeth’s eyes gloss over and saw her blink the tears away.
Dash it! Of all the situations to be confronted with!
If he did not take Bingley aside and explain a few things, then Elizabeth would be pushed into something he promised he would not do. He had promised her that physical intimacy would not happen until she wished for it, and his realization of her anxiety hit him hard in the chest. She was still not ready. He certainly had not expected to share a bed that night, but he had hoped that her feelings had changed. He had even imagined that she would come to him and express her changed feelings. There was no easy way out of the situation. But there was truly only one way to solve the dilemma. He would not go back on his promise to Elizabeth. She needed to know she could trust him. He took a deep breath. “Elizabeth, I will take Bingley aside and make sure he knows we need two rooms.”

“Thank you
, William, I wish I could explain more . . .” She was relieved that she didn’t have to explain more.

He was the one to look away then. His chest hurt like it had been crushed. She still needed more time. How could he have let his imagination run wild last night? His weakness there underscored the hurt he felt at knowing she did not want him that way fully yet. He ached to smother her with kisses and convince her of his love. She had seemed to enjoy those and had responded quite positively to them. She had even asked him to kiss her on the ride from Pemberley. He once again said a silent prayer, asking for more self-control and patience. Then he said another silent prayer that he would have the courage to speak to Bingley. His third silent prayer asked that
Elizabeth’s feelings would change. At the end of that prayer he added,
soon
. These three prayers were simple and to the point. He opened his heart to the Lord and prayed for that which he needed most. He needed to trust that she would eventually come around. There was more and more evidence of progress being made, but he was not a perfect man. He did not have the emotional or physical strength of ten men. He thought he had been a patient man before he met Elizabeth, but he had been nearly driven to madness at the restraint he had to exercise in her presence. He recommitted himself to be stronger than he had been, kinder than he had been, gentler than he had been, and more chaste in his thoughts than he had been. It was obvious that letting his imagination run free was more dangerous than anything he had done in his life thus far. She needed more from him, and he would just have to find the strength to give it to her.

Soon,
he prayed again.

*****

Jane was, of course, invited over for dinner at Netherfield and the men and the ladies were separated as was custom afterwards. It was so good to see Jane and witness the obvious love between her and Bingley. Elizabeth had planned to visit Longbourn tomorrow morning to see all her family while Mr. Darcy did his business with Wickham, but for now she could use the time she had to catch up with Jane. Elizabeth and Jane sat close to each other, discussing Jane’s engagement and the two kisses Jane and Bingley had already. Elizabeth laughed inside thinking that she had been married for about five weeks and had only shared two kisses with her husband. Their conversation kept them confined to a corner of the room, talking in hushed tones, nearly forgetting that Miss Bingley was still in the room.

“Where
is my brother and Mr. Darcy? It is not like them to be gone so long! I wanted to show Mr. Darcy the new piano piece I have been working on,” Miss Bingley said exasperatedly.

Jane turned and spoke up, “They have been gone quite a while now, have they not? Do not worry, my dear Caroline. I am sure that they are just distracted by a billiards game. Ever since Mr. and Mrs. Hurst left he has not had anyone to play with.” The sisters had lost track of time as they caught up and hadn’t realized how long the men had been gone.

All night, Elizabeth couldn’t help but notice Miss Bingley’s attentions to her husband. Before the dinner, she kept trying to engage him in conversation while excluding Elizabeth. She even went so far to turn her back to Elizabeth as she spoke to him. The dinner seating arrangements, which she knew Miss Bingley had made, put Miss Bingley between her brother and Mr. Darcy, leaving Elizabeth down the table and across from Jane and Mr. Bingley. Elizabeth had assumed that Miss Bingley’s infatuation with winning Mr. Darcy’s ten thousand pounds a year would end after his marriage. Apparently she was wrong. She was somewhat perturbed that Miss Bingley would be so open with such attentions, but then she dismissed it because, in the long run, Miss Bingley didn’t matter to Elizabeth. She had never desired her good opinion and wouldn’t start doing so now. After all, it was still very evident that Mr. Darcy was doing everything besides outright rudeness to dissuade her.

“They simply cannot play billiards that long and leave us waiting for them! It has been nearly an hour and a half! I am going to see what is so distracting.” With a huff, Miss Bingley left the room in search of the men.

Jane watched her leave and then whipped her head around to look at Elizabeth, “So? You seem quite happy now. Are you glad he married you? Is it just wonderful to be married? Oh, Lizzy, I cannot wait! Less than a month and I shall be as happy as you two are! I knew you would learn to love him. I can just tell. How did it happen? Was it something he did or said? When did you fall in love?”

Elizabeth laughed. “Jane, Jane, stop! I insist! I cannot even begin to tell you one answer if you ask three more questions before I have a chance to speak!” Jane sighed and put her hands in her lap and just patiently smiled, but Elizabeth knew from experience that her sister would not be content until she had her answers. “If you insist, I shall tell you. It has not been easy; we have had our stormy moments but yes, I think we are in love now. At least I know I love him. I am fairly certain that he returns the feelings, but he still has not actually declared himself. I cannot fix the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. You asked when I fell in love? Well, I was in the middle before I knew I had begun. One moment I was nervous around him, the next I was nervous without him. There were times that I could see clearly, and others where my mind and heart would battle trying to make sense of what I was feeling. It has seemed so quick, but yet time feels like it is at a standstill as well. I do not know how to describe it, but I love William so much my heart jumps out of my chest every time he smiles.”

Jane sighed, clasped her hands at her chest, and leaned back against the chaise. “I still get goosebumps when he puts my arm in his.”

Elizabeth teased, “And when has my husband put your arm in his?”

Jane looked alarmed, “Not Mr. Darcy, Mr. Bingley! I was talking about Charles!”

Elizabeth let out a laugh. “I know, Jane! I was only teasing. Have we been apart so long that you have forgotten how I love to tease?” She heard the men enter the room.

“Yes, my wife does know how to tease.” Mr. Darcy said as he walked their way. He bumped into a table and hit his knee. Elizabeth was surprised to hear him curse under his breath. “Excuse me, I am afraid I was not quite the gentleman there. My apologies.”

Elizabeth studied her husband’s gait, realizing after a moment that he had been drinking in their time apart. His feet seemed to shuffle slightly and as he walked, he reached for objects to support him. She stood up and walked over to him. He reached out to her and draped his heavy arm around her shoulders. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. She led him to the couch and helped him sit down before she evaluated Bingley. He seemed to be standing upright and walking normally. So it was just her husband who was well into his cups? They were somewhat by themselves so she asked him quietly, “Are you well? I have never seen you act so.”