Authors: Dan Gutman

Mr. Burke Is Berserk! (7 page)

Both of them grabbed the phones off their belt loops and started punching in numbers frantically. Then they pointed their phones at each other and waited for one of them to ring.

“I know what you're thinkin',” Mr. Klutz said. “Did you punch in seven numbers or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kinda lost track myself. But you've gotta ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

And then Mr. Klutz's cell phone started playing “The Hokey Pokey.”

“Noooooooooooooooooooo!”
he shouted.

“Ha-ha! Nice try, Klutz!” Mayor Hubble said, blowing on his phone. “Better luck next time. Now all the gold and gilver is
mine
. Adios, amigos! I must skedaddle.”

The mayor got into his limo with his secret service agents and drove away.

For a few seconds nobody said anything. We were all in shock. Then Mr. Macky stepped forward.

“Dagnabbit!” he shouted. “That scallywag done vamoosed with our gold and gilver! If ah git mah hands on him, Ah'm a-gonna stretch that no-good outlaw's neck! Come on, fellers! We'll head 'im off at the pass! Who's with me?”

“No thanks,” said Mrs. Roopy. “I've had enough violence for the day.”

“Violence is not the answer,” said Miss Laney.
^*

“You can't solve problems with violence,” said Mr. Granite.

Why is everybody always talking about violins?

“What in tarnation!” shouted Mr. Macky. “Ain't you cowpokes gonna help me chase down that varmint?”

Mr. Burke didn't look worried. He was leaning against the fence and picking his teeth with a toothpick.

“Hold your horses, pardner,” he said. “Let the old coot go.”

“Let him go?” asked Mr. Macky. “Why? What about the gilver?”

“Gilver?” said Mr. Burke. “Ain't no such thing as gilver. Ah made that stuff up. Gilver is just shiny pieces of glass I scattered around the playground.”

“What about the gold?” asked Mr. Macky.

“Painted rocks,” said Mr. Burke. “They ain't worth a plugged nickel.”

“So you planned all this, Mr. Burke?” asked Mr. Klutz. “Why?”

“Oh, Ah figgered the mayor don't care a lick 'bout balancin' no budget,” he said. “He just wants to get rid of stuff he don't like: art, music, teachers, schools. So Ah planted that gold and gilver in the playground. Ah figgered it was only a matter of time before that greedy bunko artist would try to snatch it. The cops'll pick him up soon enough.”

Well, that's pretty much what happened. The police tracked Mayor Hubble down and took him to jail. Maybe he'll be there for the rest of his life. Maybe we'll raise enough money to bring back the art and music programs. Maybe all the men will shave their beards and stop saying “Yee-ha.” Maybe everybody will stop talking about violins. Maybe they'll turn the water fountains back on and put toilet paper in the bathrooms again. Maybe we'll get the monkey bars back from Rent-A-Monkey Bars. Maybe the teachers will get to keep the hot tub that isn't in the teachers' lounge. Maybe Mr. Klutz and Mr. Burke will fight on the seesaws. Maybe I'll become a principal and toast marshmallows. Maybe cannibal zombies will come out of the Underground Railroad and eat our brains. Maybe there will be a TV channel that shows nothing but stuff being blown up all day long. Maybe they'll be able to fill the big hole in the playground.

But it won't be easy, pardner!

About the
Authors

Dan Gutman
has written many weird
books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and
two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at
www.dangutman.com.

Jim Paillot
lives in Arizona (another
weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn't that weird? You can
visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

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www.AuthorTracker.com
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Copyright

Mr. Burke Is Berserk!

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gutman, Dan.

Mr. Burke is berserk! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot.â1st ed.

p. cm.â(My weirder school ; #4)

ISBN 978-0-06-196923-2 (lib. bdg.)âISBN 978-0-06-196922-5 (pbk. bdg.)

EPub Edition Â© JANUARY 2012 ISBN 9780062101976

[1. Buried treasureâFiction. 2. GoldâFiction. 3. SchoolsâFiction. 4. Humorous stories.] I. Paillot, Jim, ill. II. Title.