Mother's Story (33 page)

Polly paced the kitchen floor.

‘So how was the weekend? Did you guys catch up, get good sleep?'

‘Something like that. The place was beautiful and the food was great.' Matthew avoided eye contact.

Polly picked up a new black and white framed photo of Lilly. ‘She is so beautiful! Look at her little nose, Paz! I've loved seeing her today. She has really grown.'

‘Think someone's getting broody.' Matthew winked at his friend.

‘Hey, she's pushing on an open door. I think when the time is right it'll happen for us and it will be such a gift.'

‘I want one just like this! She's so good and so gorgeous!' Polly squeaked.

‘And she's a great little sleeper. It certainly makes things easier.' Matthew hesitated, smiled a little and filled the kettle.

Polly knew that nothing was easy, not for Jessica. ‘How's she doing?' she asked, her voice quieter.

Matthew pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. ‘Not… err… Not great.'

‘Is she still taking her medication?' Topaz asked.

‘She says she is.' Matthew gave the honest answer; he wasn't sure what was going on. Jessica had hardly spoken to him in the past week, most of which she had spent in bed with the curtains closed.

‘And what about counselling, is that still happening?' Paz prompted.

Matthew shook his head. ‘She doesn't want to see anyone. Which makes things hard. I'm worried about her. I know it's a dip she's going through – losing the baby has hit her hard – but she won't talk about it and of course it sent her hormones haywire again.' He sighed. ‘We need to give her time, I know that, but I can't watch her like a hawk every minute, that'll send us both crazy. Even crazier.' He smirked.

‘Is she interested in Lilly?'

‘No. Not really.' Matthew busied himself with the gathering of mugs and the making of coffee. ‘Not at all, in fact. I do everything for her and Jess is happy to let me. Her mum and dad pop over when they can, but it's not a good situation, not good at all.'

‘Well, Lilly certainly looks happy,' Polly interjected.

‘Yep. It's funny. She's being an angel, almost like she knows she has to be.'

‘Can I go up and see her?' Polly asked.

‘Yes, of course.' Matthew nodded. ‘She might be sleeping.'

Topaz smiled at his wife as she left the room. ‘I'm worried about you, Matt.'

Matthew scanned the cluttered work surface and turned to his friend. ‘Shall we go and sit down?'

The two men picked up their cups of coffee and made their way into the sitting room. The dishes could wait.

‘So, come on, how are you doing?'

‘Truthfully?' Matthew paused. ‘I don't know how much more I can take.' This was the first time he had shared this with anyone other than his wife. He exhaled. ‘The weekend was a complete disaster. I'm hoping that when she's fully rested—'

‘How much sleep do you think she needs?'

‘I know what you're saying, Paz. But it's difficult. I lost it a bit when we were away and she's kind of closed me out since then. I didn't mean to and I regret it, but we rowed and I said some things… I don't want to push her, I want to support her and I think there is a fine line.'

‘I agree with you, Matt, but leaving her to stew under the duvet is not going to help her. Not going to help anyone. It's not addressing anything. The problem won't just go away.'

‘What do you suggest?'

‘You won't like what I suggest.' Topaz looked serious.

‘Try me.'

Polly knocked on the bedroom door as she pushed it open. The window needed opening. The room smelt of stale air and a body in need of a shower. Jessica lay very still on her side of the bed. Polly crept in and sat on the flattened side of the duvet.

‘Hey, bud. I just came up to let you know that you are back to being Mrs Boring, in case you were wondering, and yet again, if I could choose a more exciting and engaging best friend, I definitely would.' Polly lay on her back with her head on Matthew's pillow and crossed her legs at the ankle.

Jessica felt the springs fold under Polly's weight. She could hear her friend's breathing. She wanted Polly to go away. She was in no mood for her humour or her company.

‘I know you are awake,' Polly said. ‘I can tell because you are being extra quiet and not moving. Don't forget how often I've bunked in with you over the years. So, because you are my best friend whether I like it or not, I'm going to ignore your silence and chat anyway. Like I used to when we shared a tent at Guide camp and you wanted to sleep and I wanted to chat.' Polly cleared her throat. ‘So I think Matthew is a bit worried about you, doll. We all are, because we love you. We love you very much.'

Jessica blinked rapidly and pushed her face further into the pillow.

‘Paz and Matt are downstairs putting the world to rights. Lilly is zonked out. She's been so funny today.'

Jessica screwed her eyes shut. The last thing she needed was an update on what everyone was doing. As ever, she hated the fact that they were all talking about her. All talking about her and not to her. Having to listen to Polly, who sounded happy, caused bile to rise in her throat, which threatened to choke her. It took all of her strength not to shout at her friend that she should enjoy this bit, make the most of every second before a child came along to spoil it.

‘I'm sorry about the baby, Jess. I really, really am. You were doing so well, this is just a bump in the road. And you will bounce back out the other side, I know you will.' Polly sighed. ‘And the good news is, I've found you a cleaner! A great girl called Paula; she lives near here. She could come in for a couple of mornings and run the hoover over or help with the ironing, whatever. I shall leave her card on the fridge in case you want to call her, okay? Okay.'

Polly sat in silence for a minute more. ‘I bought you a present. I'll pop it on your bedside cabinet and you can look at it later if you feel up to it.' She stood up and placed her gift by the lamp and a half-empty glass of water. ‘I'll leave you now, Jess, let you sleep. But when you're ready to talk, just shout and I'll be here like a shot. I love you. Don't ever forget that.' She patted her friend's still form and walked towards the door.

Jessica opened her eyes and lifted her head; on her cabinet was a beautiful red leather notebook.

‘One more thing,' Polly said before closing the door behind her. ‘You can't stay up here forever. You need to make a plan. A plan that gets you out of this room and allows you to start living your life. I'll help you if you like, we all will. But it needs to happen and it needs to happen soon. We miss you.'

Polly made her way back downstairs, where Matthew and Topaz were mid conversation.

‘That's not going to happen, Paz! No way am I sending her away.' Matthew's tone was sharp.

‘Well, if you change your mind, I have the details.'

Matthew wrinkled his nose and swallowed. He gave a small nod in acknowledgement.

‘She's sleeping,' Polly lied, preferring this to the fact that her best friend had just ignored her. ‘Maybe another week in Majorca is in order?'

‘Christ, Poll, that can't be the bloody solution. We'd be bankrupted by childcare and flights within three months!'

‘I know it's not practical. I'm just trying to think of how to fix things.'

‘We all are.' Topaz looked at Matthew and smiled.

The doorbell rang, once, twice and a third time.

‘Who the hell…?' Matthew jumped up and sprinted to the front door, relieved that Lilly hadn't stirred.

‘Maaate!' Jake shouted as he leant on the doorframe, his eyes glazed, hair mussed and shirt buttons undone to reveal his pale, hairless chest. He swayed a little as he held up the thin plastic strip off which hung four cans of Stella Artois. ‘Sunday night is brewski night!' He staggered forward as if to enter the house, but Matthew raised his arm to block him.

‘Not now, Jake. It's not a good time.' Matthew looked at his unshaven friend and felt a flicker of anger.

‘Come on, Deano! Bit of Eurosport, couple of cold tins – where's my wingman? Hey? Where's my boy gone?' The alcoholic fumes wafted off him.

Lilly started crying. Matthew sighed. ‘I've got to go, Jake.' He gestured towards the sitting room.

‘That's not your job, mate. That's women's work! Let Jess sort her out. No point having a dog and barking yourself, isn't that what they say?'

Topaz appeared in the hallway. ‘Hey, Jake.' He nodded in the direction of the stairs. ‘Sorry, Matt, Lilly's crying, do you want us to go up? Or…'

‘It's okay, I'll go.' Matthew looked flustered.

Jake stared down the hallway. ‘Hey, veggie bonkers hippy bloke! I see how it is. What we all doing in there, chanting around a joss stick?' He raised his arms and tried to wave his hands, dropping his beers in the process. One dented can started spraying golden foam all over the path. Lilly's cries increased in volume, quickly followed by her calling from the top of the stairs.

‘Not tonight, Jake.' Matthew turned and headed up the stairs to quiet Lilly.

‘You playing mummy, are you, Toe-Paz? Helping with the baby? Are you living in the “now”?' He used his fingers to draw speech marks in the air and chuckled.

Topaz stepped forward and in the blink of an eye had bunched Jake's shirt under his throat. The muscles in his broad forearm corded and his jaw was set. It caught Jake by surprise. He tried to draw breath as his face turned pink.

Topaz's voice was quiet, calm. ‘I have tried to like you, Jake. I have tried really hard. I make it my policy to try and like everyone. But you're an arsehole. If you ever talk to me again, even one word, I will hurt you. Properly hurt you. Do you understand?'

‘C… c… an't breathe!'

Topaz released his grip and watched as Jake fell against the wall, gasping and reaching for something solid.

‘I'll let you off with those two, but no more. Got it?'

Jake nodded.

‘Good.' Very calmly, Topaz closed the front door.

‘Was that Jakey?' Polly asked as her husband came back into the room.

‘Yes.' Topaz smiled.

‘Aww, how is he?' she asked.

‘He's grand, Polly. Really grand.'

Jessica could hear Jake's voice coming from downstairs and then Polly and Paz chatting and Matt coming upstairs to see Lilly. She closed her eyes in an attempt to shut out what she had heard earlier, but it echoed in her head. ‘You won't like what I suggest,' Topaz had said. And Matt, her Matt, who once said he would love her forever had said, ‘Try me.' Jessica knew that they had all had enough of her. They were trying to get rid of her. She felt a rush of bitter, bitter disappointment followed by utter, utter hopelessness. Polly was right about needing a plan but she would need it sooner than she thought.

25th July, 2015

What I
do
remember is that I knew October the fourteenth was the day. I hadn't planned it as such, but if I'm being honest, I knew it was coming and that thought sustained me. Like an appointment marked on the calendar with a big red cross, a beacon, it shone at me in the early hours while I scrabbled with half-closed lids to locate the tap, kettle, bottle and milk for mixing. And even if the date wasn't something to look forward to exactly, it still had a calming effect, knowing that afterwards I would be able to breathe properly for the first time in… I don't know how long.

I was obsessed with sleep because I was tired. Not just tired, not the run-of-the-mill sleepiness that you feel at the end of the day when you stretch, yawn and long for your bed, hoping the alarm isn't set too early. No, this was a bone-deep fatigue that meant I could hardly think straight. Words and thoughts tumbled inside my head, knotting together in random formations that slowed me down as I tried to decipher them. I stared at people I knew, willing their names to come to me before I embarrassed us both. Tears leaked from my eyes, but I wasn't actually crying – there were no fractured breaths, no sobs, none of that. It was as if my soul was weeping. As if my sadness and my exhaustion were indivisible. I didn't recognise myself, which was scary in itself. My eyes looked sunken, skull-like, the sockets wide and the half-moon crescents the colour of purple bruises against my pale, jutting cheekbones.

In the supermarket that morning, I chatted idly to a girl, or rather she chatted to me. ‘I'm knackered,
so
tired…' she said as she scanned my pasta and a four-pack of loo roll. I laughed out loud, snorted a derisory, sneering chuckle. I wanted to put my face an inch from hers and speak through gritted teeth, saying, ‘You don't know tired! You have no idea of what real tiredness is! You think staying out late and working a full day makes you tired? Just wait, just you wait…' But of course I didn't because it wasn't her fault. She didn't know. No one knows until they are in it and then it is too late.

I walked back from the shops, initially with a bit of a spring in my step. It was nice to be out in the fresh air. And then I thought about going back inside the house and it made me feel quite desolate. If there had been a way to avoid walking through the front door, I would have taken it. I cried as I rounded the corner. There were times when it was a relief to cry out loud because often I thought I was crying and actually I was just staring ahead in silence, crying on the inside. That was the worst feeling in the world. My hair was irritating me – greasy and grubby, it hung lankly against my skin and I thought how much easier it would be if I didn't have any hair at all.

Jessica pulled the band from her hair and felt her greasy locks cling to her face. It irritated her beyond belief. Putting the key in the lock, she dumped the shopping on the kitchen table and looked in on Lilly, who was in front of the TV, exactly where she had left her. ‘I'm back now.' She sniffed up her tears and smiled briefly at the little girl.