Mother's Day (2 page)

“I’m going to go show Mommy.”

Miranda walked over to the mirror and looked at herself, fingering the necklace. Would anyone ever call
her
Mommy? How she missed those days of naïve arrogance before the fertility treatments when she believed it was all in her control. She remembered the first time they’d made love without any contraception – the exhilaration she’d felt at doing something that had been forbidden for so long. It felt reckless and she was anything but reckless. She was surprised and disappointed when she got her period but not concerned. Never concerned. All three of her sisters had gotten pregnant as soon as their husbands glanced their way. Why should she be different? When the months turned into six, a kernel of fear nestled in her gut. Surely their timing was just off. She was only thirty-four. She didn’t know then that the female reproductive system hadn’t kept pace with the female social evolution. She didn’t think she needed a specialist – she just needed to get serious. Off she went to procure an ovulation kit and to inform Daniel to be prepared to make love on demand. Twelve kits later and she knew it was time to throw her denial in the trash along with the cardboard box. Then she lost another year trying less invasive therapies. She wouldn’t accept that she would indeed need the whole nine yards – in vitro fertilization.

“What are you doing in here all by yourself? Come join the party.”

“Hi Mom, Happy Mother’s Day.” She kissed her on the cheek.

Her mother looked closely at her face, squinting. “You look a bit tired, dear. Everything alright?” She pushed Miranda’s hair from her forehead with a gentle hand.

Miranda felt herself tense up. She wasn’t going to have this discussion today. No matter how she felt, it
was
Mother’s Day and she would not fight with her.

“I’m fine, Mom. Shall we go in with the others?”

As soon as they were in the living room, Daniel came to her rescue.

“I’ve been looking for you. Let’s go get something to drink.”

She put her hand in his and gave it a grateful squeeze.

She glanced over at two of her sisters in close conversation across the room. They were whispering and looking very serious.

“I’m going to go see what’s going on,” she told Daniel.

Was that worry on his face? Did he know something she didn’t?

“Let’s get something to drink first.”

He looked over at the girls.

Her stomach tensed. “Why? What’s going on?”

He put his arm around her. “Let’s go sit down.”

Miranda looked back and forth from her sisters to her husband. She couldn’t deal with this right now.

“I think I’ll just go and get some air.”

She walked outside into the garden and sat down on the glider. She rested her hands on the back of her head and breathed deeply. It was a beautiful day; she was surrounded by family who loved her, yet she had never felt more alone. When had she become this person? How had her natural desire to start a family, to have a child of her own, turned into this obsession – a force all its own? She hardly recognized her own thoughts anymore. She couldn’t see a pregnant woman without feeling resentful.
Why her and not me?
Every baby allocated to someone else seemed to be one denied to her. She knew it was crazy. Their good fortune wasn’t causing her misfortune. But it didn’t change the way she felt. She couldn’t even be around her friends anymore. All they seemed to do was complain about motherhood. They were tired. They had no time for themselves. Their husbands didn’t know how hard it was to be a stay-at-home mom. She wanted to slap them, to scream: “You don’t know how lucky you are. You don’t deserve it.” But she kept her mouth shut, seething at their ungratefulness. The last straw had been last week when they were all having lunch. After the usual pleasantries they got into more serious conversation.

“I think I’m pregnant again,” Tilly confided to the group.

Cynthia, Miranda’s best friend and only confidante in the group, shot Miranda a look that said
I’m sorry
.

“That’s wonderful,” Susan said.

Tilly took a long swallow from her iced tea. “Yes, but it’s a bit soon after Bryce.”

Miranda could feel the blood rising to her face.

“I don’t know if I’m going to keep it,” Tilly blurted out.

Miranda’s mouth dropped open.

“What do you mean?” She couldn’t help herself.

Tilly turned toward her.

“Well, I’m just not sure it’s fair to Bryce. He’s only one. I think it’s better if we wait.”

Miranda stood up. “I have to go.” She frowned at Tilly. “I hope you come to realize what a blessing a baby is and how lucky you are. I don’t understand how you can be so cavalier about dispensing with it as if it were just an inconvenience.”

Tilly’s face contorted into an angry snarl and she began to respond until Cynthia silenced her with a sharp look and a hand on her arm.

Everyone was staring at her as if she had lost her mind.

“I’ll walk you out.” Cynthia put her arm on her back.

That’s when Miranda knew she had turned into someone else. Her outrage at the injustice consumed her. She was incapable of viewing anything without seeing it through the lens of her personal struggle.

She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes.
What was she going to do?
A light hand on her shoulder made her look up.

“Aunt Sophie.” She smiled.

“Mind if I join you? It was getting a bit stuffy in there.” She gave Miranda one of her trademark winks.

“Not at all. I was just out here feeling sorry for myself.”

They began to glide back and forth, companionably, comfortable with the silence between them.

“I was wondering…” Aunt Sophie looked at her. “I was wondering if you could come over and take some photos.”

Miranda was surprised. “Of course. What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t have many of Ce Ce and me. You know – she went through that teenage camera-shy stage and then she was off to college. I’d like to get some mother-daughter shots while I can.”

Miranda nodded. “What a lovely idea. I’d be happy to.” She sighed. “Ce Ce is so lucky to have you.”

Sophie turned to Miranda.

“I’m sorry that you’re suffering so.”

Miranda’s eyes welled up.

Sophie continued. “It isn’t fair. You
should
be a mother. If anyone deserves to have a child, you do. And what beautiful children you and Daniel would have.”

“Thank you. Thank you for not trying to make me feel better with empty platitudes and well-meant advice.”

“They do mean well, you know.” Sophie said.

“I know. But they don’t understand.” Miranda looked down the hill to the group of young children chasing each other around the sliding board. “We were supposed to have three by now. How arrogant we were. All planned out – one at thirty-four, one at thirty-six, and then if I wasn’t too exhausted, another at thirty-eight. What a joke. Now I’d do anything for just one.” She shook her head. “What is that expression – we make plans and God laughs?”

Sophie squeezed her hand. “We’re all guilty of that, sweetheart. How else can we live?”

Miranda sighed. “If I had only known, I wouldn’t have wasted those first five years. Would have tried right away. But I was too interested in my selfish plans. Save money, take our trips.” She put her head in her hands. “If only I’d known.”

Sophie was quiet. She took both of her niece’s hands in her own.

“You have to stop this.” Her voice was kind. “There is nothing to be gained by looking back. You spent those years building a foundation for your marriage. You chose Daniel for a reason – to build a life with
him.
You were right to do those things. And besides, the truth is, it you don’t know that it would have made any difference.”

Miranda shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Oh my dear Miranda. It’s not easy, but keep the faith. Things will work out one way or another. I believe in you.”

Miranda looked at the familiar face that she had loved so long.

“You always have. Even as a little girl I felt like you understood me.” She sighed. “Much more than my own mother.”

“Don’t be too hard on her, Randi. She loves you. We’re all limited by our capabilities. She wants to be there for you. I don’t think she knows how.”

Miranda wiped a tear from her face.

“I feel like I’m failing her. When I look at her, all I see is the question in her eyes and the shimmer leave when she realizes I’m still not pregnant.”

Sophie leaned back and looked up at the canopy covering the seat.

“I would venture to say she feels as though she’s failed you.” She looked at Miranda. “Honey, you are
not
a failure. Your body is not performing the way you need and that feels like a terrible betrayal. It
is
a terrible betrayal.” Her voice caught. “ But your body is not you.” She put her hand on Miranda’s cheek. “
You
are you. Be kind to yourself.”

She rose and walked into the house without another word.

Miranda continued to glide and thought about what her aunt had said. She did feel betrayed. She realized with dread that she was not only angry with her body – she hated it. How was she to expect it to create life when she despised it? She wasn’t foolish enough to think that a heavy dose of self-love was going to fix her fertility issues. But her current attitude couldn’t be helping either. She ran her hands up and down her arms. She thought about the support groups she had attended. Those women had been so angry and bitter. She hadn’t thought she was anything like them. She was exactly like them.

Her sisters were coming. She braced herself for what she imagined they had to tell her. Sarah was probably pregnant again. That must be why she hadn’t called Miranda lately.

“Hey,” Sarah called over.

“Hey. What’s going on?”

They each took a seat, one on each side of her.

Elaine looked at Sarah and nodded her head.

“We’ve got something to tell you.”

Miranda nodded.

“I think I can guess.” She turned to Sarah. “You’re pregnant.”

A look of confusion passed over Sarah’s face and she looked at Elaine again. “Um, no.”

Elaine put her arm around Miranda.

“It’s Aunt Sophie.”

Miranda’s blood ran cold.

“What?” It came out as a whisper.

Elaine shook her head and looked down at the ground.

“She doesn’t have much time.”

“No. No. No.” She couldn’t stop saying it. She stood up and walked in circles, her fists tight balls.

“Can’t they do anything? I thought it was under control?”

They shook their heads in unison.

Miranda ran into the house. Where was she? How could she have just sat there and pretended that nothing was wrong? The blood pounded in her ears and she brushed past her mother in a frantic attempt to find Sophie.

Her aunt was in the den chatting with her Daniel. They were alone.

“We need to talk.”

Sophie dropped the mask and her eyes filled with regret.

Daniel stood without a word and left. He shut the door behind him.

“Miranda, please sit.”

She didn’t move. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She wiped the wetness from her cheek with the back of her hand. “You just let me go on and on about my problems, and the whole time you knew.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

Sophie rose and put her arms around her.

Miranda stood rigidly. She wasn’t ready to forgive her yet.

Sophie didn’t let her go. “Darling, I was going to tell you. But not today. You didn’t need it today.” She spoke softly.

Miranda returned her aunt’s embrace and clung to her. Her body shook as she sobbed. Sophie let her get it all out. Finally, Miranda took a deep breath and pulled back. She sat down on the sofa and Sophie joined her.

“How long have you known?”

“It’s not important.”

Miranda struggled to find the right words. “What am I going to do without you? What are we all going to do without you?” She thought about her cousin Ce Ce. She was still a child, only 18. It must be so difficult for her. She couldn’t imagine having to go back to college in another state knowing that your mother was at home dying.

Sophie winced and laid a hand on her side, her teeth clenched.

She’s in pain, Miranda realized with agonizing clarity.

“I’ve been so selfish. You must think I’m horrible.”

Sophie shook her head.

“No Miranda, I don’t. We’re all selfish.” She squeezed Miranda’s hand. “Live your truth.”

Miranda tried to smile but when she met her aunt’s eyes her lips began to tremble again.

“Don’t write me off yet. I’m still here.” Another wink.

Miranda nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow. It’s supposed to be another lovely day. We’ll take some pictures by the water.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Miranda found Daniel. “Ready?”

When they reached the car he looked at Miranda before getting in.

“You okay?”

She tried to speak but was too overcome with grief.

She stared out the window while he drove home. The tears came again. Why Aunt Sophie? Where was the fairness in that? She couldn’t imagine a world without her beautiful and kind aunt. Too soon she would be only a memory. How much time had Miranda squandered by focusing only on the life she wished to create and ignoring the ones around her? An hour ago, the worst scenario she could envision was that her sister was pregnant again. What was wrong with her?
“Be kind to yourself.”
Aunt Sophie’s words echoed in her ears. She hadn’t been kind to anyone – least of all herself. Maybe she
had
been selfish and insensitive, but she wasn’t a terrible person – just a human being who had allowed the limitations of her body to define her. She placed her hands on her stomach.
Don’t write me off yet.