Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) (19 page)

Was invited to a baby shower and checked out the registry. All this expensive organic baby bedding and stuff from Restoration Hardware. Don't they realize it all just gets covered in shit and barfed on??

Last night at church, my three-year-old stood up and at the top of his lungs yelled, “We paid! Can we go now?”

I can't get rid of this damn kangaroo pouch on my stomach. Screw it. I'm just going to make it a flesh-pocket and start hiding things in there . . . like money, or weed, or little naked men that I can make dance on command.

Two weeks ago I drank too much and ended up emailing my kid's teacher a picture via Facebook. I'm pretending it didn't happen but he keeps staring at my chest at pickup time.

Every night, after supper, I hide in the bathtub and eat a Little Debbie snack.

Last week, I was caught eating Nutella from the jar. Not wanting to share, I told my kids it was poop. They, in turn, told every single one of their friends that I eat poop from a jar. Whatever. I'd do it again.

Behind all the messy rooms, horrible folding of laundry, lack of cooking skills, inability to control my toddler's tantrums, total lack of interest in crafts, and wine-drinking coping, lies the best mom ever. Really. I swear.

This book would not exist without the help and guidance of the following people . . .

My husband, Jeff Smokler. None of this would be possible without you.

My mom, Kathy Epstein. There is simply no better mother.

And the rest of my wonderful family, both immediate and extended. Thank you for your unwavering enthusiasm and excitement. I love you all.

The incredible team at Simon & Schuster, most of all: Lauren McKenna, for taking a chance and having faith in me; Karen Kosztolnyik, for being the most encouraging and awesome editor I could have asked for; and Jennifer Robinson, for putting up with me so beautifully.

Lisa Leshne, the best literary agent in the world.

My Scary Mommy Community Managers, who keep the message boards and Confessional alive and thriving: Samantha
Angoletta, Charisse Oates, Cris Salas, Love Barnett, and Mikki Caplan-Zaple. And Lily Read, for her always wise virtual ears.

Finally, the Scary Mommy community, for sharing your stories, your children, and your lives with me. Scary Mommy became the amazing and inspiring place it now is because of
you
. You have my eternal gratitude.

JILL SMOKLER
is a
New York Times
bestselling author whose candor has made her an unlikely hero among a new generation of women. She holds a degree in graphic design and psychology from Washington University in St. Louis and is married to her college sweetheart, Jeff. They are parents to a daughter and two sons and live in Baltimore, Maryland.

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JACKET ILLUSTRATION BY ANNE HIGGINS

AUTHOR PHOTOGRAPH BY JOHN WAIRE

COPYRIGHT © 2013 SIMON & SCHUSTER

ALSO BY JILL SMOKLER

Confessions of a Scary Mommy

Gallery Books

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Copyright © 2013 by Jill Smokler

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Gallery Books hardcover edition April 2013

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Illustrations by Amy Saidens

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file.

ISBN 978–1–4767–2834–6

ISBN 978–1–4767–2838–4(ebook)