Captain Janeway stood by B'Elanna Torres' side, watching
as the lieutenant scrolled through schematics of the
weapons circuitry. Something was keeping the phaser arrays
offline, but so far the entire Engineering crew had been
stumped by the problem. Voyager had been forced to return
to the planetary nebula, the only part of space where they
could buy some time in safety. The Kazon ship didn't seem
to have pursued them into the murky gases this time, and
Janeway hoped they'd be able to get the weapons repaired
without having to evade the Kazon. The next time she
emerged from the swirling gases of the nebula, she wanted
to have the full power of Voyager's arsenal at her command.
B'Elanna's face was smudged and her eyes were hollow. She
hadn't slept since the Kazon attack, and every muscle in
her body ached with tension, but she was determined to get
them weapons again. "It's something in the plasma
distribution manifold," she told Janeway. "The EPS flow
regulators are functioning perfectly, but when energy is
released into the manifold, it isn't getting into the
prefire chambers in the right sequence. If we try to use
the phasers, we could end up with a backfire explosion."
"Have you tried recalibrating the magnetic conduits and
switching gates?" "Several times. And I've run a diagnostic
on the command processor, just to make sure the glitch
isn't in the computer. Now we're remachining the nadion
injectors, in case there's an undetected burr in the
valving assembly."
B'Elanna looked over at Janeway.
"I'm going to get to the bottom of this, Captain,"
she promised.
"I know you will. Keep me posted."
B'Elanna turned again to the schematics, and Janeway
headed again for the bridge. Her shoulders ached with
tension, and she kneaded first the right, then the left,
trying to unloose the tightly knotted muscles. When the
weapons were ready, she had to be at her best.
"WOULD YOU CARE FOR ANOTHER BROWNIE, LIELITENANT7"
Gretchen Janeway smiled at her guest as she held the plate
in front of him. Kathryn smiled as she saw Justin hold up a
fending hand against the platter of rich desserts. He'd
already had two, in addition to several helpings of corn
stew and tomato salad.
"Thank you, ma'am, but I won't be able to eat for several
days as it is. I must say, I don't think I've ever tasted a
meat like that."
"Mother cooks from scratch, Justin. We almost never had
replicated food when we were growing up."
This from Phoebe, now twenty-three and still in school,
studying fine arts, painting, and generally enjoying life.
She was a beautiful young woman, with a mass of dark, curly
hair and her father's clear, gray eyes, and a personality
that might have come from an alien planet. From this family
of steadfast, responsible workers had emerged a free
spirit, an irrepressibly buoyant individual who blew
through life like a whirlwind, radiating energy and
enthusiasm.
Edward Janeway sat at the head of the table, listening to
the banter with amusement. Kathryn was ecstatic that he was
here; he had actually canceled an important conference in
order to meet the man he suspected would become his son-in-law.
"The girls didn't particularly appreciate it at the time,"
he offered. "Everyone they knew had replicated food, and
they found their mother's cooking distasteful."
"Not all of it," said Kathryn. "I always liked the
brownies." She turned to her mother. "Is there any coffee
made?"
"You drink too much coffee," said her mother gently. "It's
my only vice," Kathryn retorted, rising. "Would anyone else
like some?"
No one did, and Kathryn went into the kitchen to pour
herself a cup. As she did, a warm presence lifted itself
from the floor and rubbed against her legs. It was Blanca,
Phoebe's dog, a fluffy Samoyed mix, belly noticeably
swollen with pregnancy.
Kathryn leaned down and took the gentle face in her hands,
nuzzling Blanca's cheek. "You shouldn't be banished to the
kitchen, girl," she murmured.
"Come out and be with us." She poured herself coffee and
held the door open for the fluffy white dog.
"Hello, mamma," squealed Phoebe, spreading her hands wide
to welcome the dog to her.
Blanca waddled obediently toward her and laid her chin on
Phoebe's knee. Phoebe scratched her head as she prattled
on. "She's due in three weeks. The vet says there are four
pups, two male, two female. I want to give you and Justin
one as a wedding present. You'll have your pick of the
litter."
"Phoebe, how sweet. I'd love to have one of Blanca's
babies." Kathryn was genuinely pleased. She had been 219
trying to develop a closeness with Phoebe that had eluded
them when they were younger and seemed to be in constant
conflict. The offer of a puppy was interpreted by Kathryn
to be a welcoming gesture on Phoebe's part. She turned to
Justin. "What do you think? Male or female?" But she saw
hesitancy on Justin's face, and suddenly felt something
unpleasant flutter in her stomach.
"I guess . . . either one. But how do you imagine we can
have a dog, with both of us spending so much time in
space?"
"I can take care of it when you're both gone,"
answered Phoebe practically. "Maybe Justin should get the
chance to decide whether he even wants a dog," suggested
Gretchen amiably, and Kathryn realized it had never even
occurred to her to ask.
She'd assumed that everyone liked dogs. But she realized
that Justin was looking uncomfortable and a bit
embarrassed. "I've never had a pet," he acknowledged. "When
I was growing up, it was all we could do to feed the
family. Giving food to an animal was unheard of. I've just
. . . never gotten used to the idea of living with a . . .
a furry creature."
Phoebe was staring at him as though he were mad, an
uncomfortable silence fell on the group, and Kathryn jumped
in to appease. "It's my fault, I should have asked you. I
just didn't think . . ."
"Who would have imagined anyone could fall in love with
Kathryn and not like dogs?" queried Phoebe, clearly
irritated. "Never mind, I'll give you a pair of
candlesticks or something."
Edward rose and gestured to Justin. "Would you come into
my study for a few moments, Lieutenant?
I've got some schematics for a test vessel I'd like you to
look at."
"Yes, sir." Justin rose, face somewhat flushed, and 220
followed Edward out of the room, looking neither at Phoebe
nor Kathryn. When they had gone, Kathryn turned on Phoebe.
"How could you do that? Embarrass him in front of
everyone? Phoebe, that's so rude."
"How can you think about marrying someone who doesn't like
dogs? Maybe you've learned something important tonight, and
you have me to thank." Kathryn was furious. Why had she
thought Phoebe had changed?
She was as stubborn and self-involved as ever.
"Maybe someday you'll grow up, Phoebe, and learn that in a
relationship, the other person's needs are at least as
important as yours."
"If I have to have a relationship like that, I just won't
have one. I won't change who I am just to accommodate
someone else."
"Girls," interjected Gretchen, "please don't blow this out
of proportion. You can settle your argument doing the
dishes. Just like when you were little."
And she left the room. Kathryn turned back to Phoebe,
unable to quell the anger she felt.
"1 want you to apologize to him for the way you behaved."
"I certainly won't. You're making an issue out of nothing."
For a brief second, Kathryn realized that might be so,
but a fierce protectiveness of Justin had risen in her, and
she couldn't stop herself. What did Phoebe know of him? How
he'd grown up, how he'd lived, how he'd made something of
himself single-handedly? "What right do you have to judge
him-over a dog, for heaven's sake? He's an extraordinary
man, and he's going to be your brother-inlaw."
Phoebe dug her heels in, unwilling to back down, and
Kathryn realized they were locked in an ageless pattern,
one they'd played out a thousand times or more. Would it
always be this way between them? Why was Phoebe so
stubborn, so willful? Couldn't she ever yield a point?
"I'll do the dishes, Phoebe. I'd really rather do them
alone." "Fine. I'm taking Blanca and going back to school."
"All right."
"All right."
And Phoebe was gone, leaving Kathryn shaking and angry,
but not sorry she'd stood up for her husband-to-be.
"You have to say something to her. You're the only one
she'll ever listen to, and she has to realize how rude she
was."
She was with her father in his study after Justin had
left, the study where she had spent some of the most golden
moments of her childhood. Memories of those times flooded
over Kathryn now, producing both joy and pain: she wished
for a moment she were a tiny girl again, back in that
shadowed past when she knew Daddy loved her, before the
Cardassians caused so much trouble and made him spend all
his time dealing with them. It was urgent that he support
her now, that he take her side and reprimand Phoebe, who
was so clearly in the wrong.
But it didn't seem to be working that way. Her father
listened carefully, neutrally, to her, but didn't quite see
things the way she wanted. "Phoebe has a capricious
personality and often says things that sound worse than she
intends them. You mustn't let yourself get drawn into
unnecessary turmoil because of it." "How can you say that?
The way she behaved-it was awful.
Cruel." "I was with Justin for almost an hour after that.
He didn't seem particularly upset."
"You don't know him. He'd never let anyone know he 222
was upset. He handles things without inflicting them on
others-which is more than can be said of Phoebe."
Edward ran his hand through his hair (hair that was
thinning, Kathryn noted, and flecked with gray; when had
that happened?) and took a breath. "I don't want to take
sides on this, Kathryn. You and Phoebe have to work out
your relationship. You're both adults now and I can't
reprimand her as though she were a little girl. This is
your issue, not mine." Kathryn stared at him. She felt
betrayed, bereft. Old pain bubbled up in her.
"You're taking her side, just like always. She's your pet,
she has been since she was born. And because you let her
get away with everything, she's turned into a thoughtless,
ill-mannered brat."
"Kathryn, I want to drop this. I'm sorry you're so
aggravated, but I think it will look a lot different in the
morning." He reached for the schematics on his desk. "Let's
move on to pleasanter subjects. I've spent a very
worthwhile hour with Justin, going over these plans, and
I'm quite taken with him. He's smart, sensible-and he's
tough." His eyes flickered with humor in an attempt to
bring levity to the situation. "He'll need that, to be
married to you."
But his words pierced her like a stiletto plunging to the
bone. Is that what he thought of her? Someone so difficult
that a mate required strength in order to endure her? She
heard her voice quaver a little as she tried to answer.
"He's a very special man, Dad. He's hard to get to know,
but once you do, you'll see how remarkable he is."
She realized her father was staring at her with concern,
then felt stinging in her eyes. Tears were overflowing the
lids, and she swiped at them in embarrassment. "Kathryn-what is it?"
She started to make an excuse, but when she took a breath,
it became a gulp of air that triggered a huge sob. And then
she broke down, weeping, racked by long, shuddering wails,
covering her face with her hands, crouching over in her
anguish, tears coating her face. Her father, stricken,
rushed to her and pulled her into his arms. He patted her
back and whispered, "There, there," over and over, a
helpless mantra against this unexpected and frightening
demonstration as Kathryn disgorged years of loss and pain:
the birthdays, the graduations he'd missed; the months-long
absences; his departure from her life-each of those wounds
poured from her in an expiation of mucus.
Presently, the sobs abated to an occasional gurgling
shudder, and gradually she regained control, able to
breathe only through her mouth, eyes swollen and nose
stopped. By then, they were sitting on his couch, her head
on his chest, where his shirtfront was now wet with her
tears, his arms still holding her firmly. He was stroking
her hair and making soothing sounds. It felt as good as
being four years old again.
When every gasp, every shudder, every sob had spent itself,
she pulled herself away and went to his desk to get a