Mosaic (27 page)

My voice was sharp. “I love Julian.”

He nodded, and looked down. “I know.”

As far as I was concerned, this conversation was over, but his voice stopped me right as I took my first step to go. “I also wanted to tell you it’s my last semester at Tulane. I’m leaving next year.”

“What? Where are you going?”

“Since I’ve decided to do pre-med, I talked to Dad about transferring to Vandy.”

I thought for a moment. “Where Casey is?”

Jack’s brow lined. “No. I mean, she started there, but she transferred over to Belmont freshman year. It’s better for music majors.” Shaking his head, he continued. “Anyway, Dad’s pretty happy about it. He always had his heart set on me going Ivy League.”

That memory was as fresh as everything that had happened today. “You’re right.”

“Vandy’s not technically the Ivy League, but it’s the Ivy League of the South.”

It all made sense then—why he kept fumbling around for me to stay, why he’d tried one last time. I wasn’t angry anymore, I was glad. This chapter was over, and I’d even gotten closure. It was more than I ever expected to get.

“I think that’s fantastic.” I reached out and caught his hand. “I’m so glad your dad’s supporting you in this.”

“He was actually surprised I didn’t know about my grandfather.” Jack shook his head and looked out at the water. “Sometimes I wonder what he thinks he did with us all those years. If he has his own version of events.”

Chewing my lip, I remembered how much his father used to drink, and I wondered the same thing.

“Try not to look at it that way. Things are getting so much better with him, don’t you think?”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to sound cold, but it’s hard for me to care.”

Pressing my lips together I nodded. “I understand that.” I also hoped that once he was happy, once everything was how it should be with him, his feelings might change.

“Can I have a hug?”

He frowned. “Are you serious?”

“I want to thank you.”

“For what?”

“What you said out there, what you said here, for trusting me, for giving me better memories of us together.” I reached out, awkwardly across the space between the pier and the boat, and he gave me a brief, friendly hug.

I quickly straightened and smiled. “It’s all turning out like it was supposed to, and you’re going to be happy. Trust me.”

He smiled then. “Take care of yourself.”

Anna’s Private Blog: Go to London

When I got back home, I went straight to the shower. Rachel was back when I got out, and she was collecting her things and packing an overnight bag.

“Hey!” I wrapped the towel around my wet hair. “What’s the news? How’s Brad?”

She stopped and gave me a relieved smile. “He’s going to be fine. They released him, but he needs someone there just to make sure nothing happens, he doesn’t lose consciousness or anything.”

“Oh, Rachel! I’m so glad!” I hopped over and pulled her into a hug. She hugged me back tightly.

“I’m sorry I asked you to help with the Jack thing. I know that’s an awkward situation for you.”

Waving my hand, I smiled. “It turned out to be a good thing, so no worries.”

Her brow lined. “I want to hear more about this, but I don’t want to leave Brad home alone too long.”

“Where’s his dad?”

“His buddy was still in town with the plane, and he managed to catch a ride back before he left.”

Nodding, I realized Mr. Brennan would’ve been carless otherwise. “Lucky break.”

“It was.” She pulled the strap over her shoulder. “Otherwise, Brad’s mom would’ve had to come get him. Well, let me take off, but we have a night at Fat Harry’s in our future.”

All the events of the last two days filled my head, and I grinned. “Yes, we do.”

I ate a quick breakfast, and around mid-morning, I sat down and called Julian. I tried Skyping first, but it only rang and rang with him never answering.

It was silly of me to think he’d be sitting at home waiting for me to call, so I grabbed my phone to send him a text.

I’m here, ready to talk. No more interruptions.

Sitting with my back against my bed, I waited. And waited.

I looked up at my ceiling, resting my head against the mattress. I lowered my legs and opened the photo-sharing app on my phone, scrolling through everybody’s party pix, double-tapping the ones I liked.

Still no answer.

You there?
I texted one more time, trying to imagine where he might be.

It was Saturday. He could be in the park, down by the shore, painting or… something. In a lab? Without his phone?

The pain in my throat grew tighter, and all I could think about were his last words. He felt like I wasn’t talking, like we were growing apart. The night before he’d texted something about a secret, and now he wasn’t talking.

The whole idea of it, of him being so angry again made my insides start wigging out. It felt like my heart and lungs and stomach were flailing and kicking like a little kid throwing a tantrum. I know that’s weird, but Julian was a part of me, and for him to try and pull away felt like he was pulling everything out of me with him.

I had to try again.

Sorry it’s later than I realized. Brad was just released. Rachel’s over with him.

What else could I text? He wanted me to talk… I hadn’t wanted to text this, but maybe it was a start?

She asked me to run an errand this morning. Jack has his boat, and they were going out. He wasn’t answering his phone, so she asked me to go and tell him about the accident.

I took a deep breath and waited. What happened next I’d planned to explain over Skype, where I could see his face and he could see mine. Where he could see my love for him in my eyes and not read these disembodied letters.

I know I promised never to be alone with him again, but I figured you’d understand because of what happened with Brad. I hope I was right. It was nothing, really.

Chewing my lip, I waited again. Minutes ticked by, and still no response.

I stared at the little blue bubbles containing all my words, and I wanted to scream, “Answer me!!!”

I hated these 700 miles between us so intensely, I wanted to slam my phone against the wall. I wasn’t sure I’d survive this silent treatment from him. What did he think I was hiding?

I slumped down onto my side, lying on the floor. Closing my eyes, I remembered something else he didn’t know.

Found out Friday—I’m accepted into JYA. Still having second thoughts. Even if we don’t get to see each other as much now, at least we still can.

The continued silence of my phone made me feel like I was going quietly insane. I felt like my room was a small prison, and I’d been forced into solitary confinement. Only, I wasn’t sure what crime I had committed, since the judge wouldn’t speak to me.

After a few more minutes of silence, I pushed off the floor and went to the kitchen. At least prisoners were allowed to eat. I boiled water on the stove and made myself a cup of dehydrated black bean soup. While I waited for it to thicken, I toasted a slice of bread and grabbed a Coke out of the fridge. The entire time, I watched my phone like it was a firecracker fixing to explode. Only it never did. Instead it was one of those duds where the wick either went out or got disconnected.

With a deep sigh, I carried my late lunch back to the living room and sat on the couch. I didn’t want to watch television. I didn’t want to read or go out. I didn’t want to do anything but hear from Julian.

Lunch finished, I lay on my side staring at the silent device. An hour had passed, and I knew he had seen my messages. There was no way he hadn’t. He wasn’t answering me, and I didn’t know why. I decided to try one last time.

Please talk to me.

Seconds passed and my phone buzzed. A little squeal leaped from my throat, and I flipped it over fast. Three short words ripped out my heart.

Go to London.

My brow lined as pain radiated all the way to my bones. Sliding back onto my side, I lay on the couch like a trauma victim. I couldn’t even cry. I didn’t know what to say. My eyes closed, and I saw myself screaming “No!” as he turned and walked away.

Anna’s Private Blog: Goodbye, New Orleans

My brain carried on the last few weeks of school as if it was completely disconnected from my broken heart. Maybe it had always been disconnected, because it sure seemed to lead me wrong most of the time when love was involved.

Brad continued to improve, but Rachel still stayed with him most of the time. In an effort to distract myself from the intense pain radiating from my hollow chest every minute of every day, I threw myself into final projects, film editing, reading, and writing. Until finally it was all done. I handed in my last assignment, ready to say goodbye for the summer.

Dr. Arati was my last class to meet, and she pulled me back to the one unresolved issue on my plate.

“We never had that chat about JYA.” Her posture was calm, experienced. “I need to send them your final decision this week.”

Julian’s last text echoed in my memory like some horrible death sentence. He still wasn’t talking to me, and I still hadn’t been able to get any answers. What had happened? How could he push me away so completely?

“My parents are really excited about it.” It was the only response I could give her. It was the truth. I hadn’t told anyone about me and Julian, but my parents knew I’d gotten the internship, and they were already working out the financial arrangements.

“But you’re not so excited?” She gave me a warm smile, her black eyes full of empathy.

“I’m not sure how I feel. I’m honored, of course, and I’m sure it would be an unforgettable experience.” My eyes dropped to her shoes.

“But?” She gently prodded.

For a few moments, I was silent. He had told me to go. It was the only thing he’d said to me in almost three weeks. My parents were beside themselves buying me all sorts of devices and gadgets. Apparently the wall outlets are completely different in Europe. In truth, nothing was stopping me from going except my destroyed heart.

“Anna, I know this can be a hard decision at your age. It can feel monumental—especially if you have someone special you’d be leaving behind.”

Lifting my chin, I made a decision then. “I’m sorry it took me so long to decide, but I’m going.”

My professor seemed taken aback, but she quickly recovered. “That’s wonderful. I’ll send Liam your answer today—right now—and we can start getting your paperwork sent over.”

Relief wasn’t what I felt. Resignation was closer to the emotion moving through my body. In the center of my chest was that hole where my heart had been. It continued to radiate misery through my stomach, but somehow, I felt like I wasn’t going to die if I just kept moving.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Arati.” I hugged my books and took a step toward the door. “I’m really so grateful for this opportunity.”

She smiled and gave me a hug. “Let me know if you have any questions or problems. I’m here as your adviser.”

* * *

Finally, I was back at home. All of my furniture and clothes had to be packed because Rachel was getting a new roommate, but it wasn’t an enormous amount of stuff. I’d only taken up half of a half of a duplex, which was as small as it sounded, and I’d never been much of a hoarder.

The most important thing I brought back with me was the painting hanging above my bed—me holding my hair back, surrounded by all shades of green waves. I took it off the wall and held it a few moments, studying the careful brush strokes, lightly touching the curling greens around my torso and head. Julian had painted it from memory, he said he’d painted it from feelings, and the thought of him creating it, capturing me on canvas stroke by stroke was the only thing that kept me going. He loved me then; he still loved me now. I was certain of it, and no matter how angry he was, I could make him see that.

Mom was giddy and emotional that I was “back in the nest” for a few weeks before I left for London mid-July. Dad just laughed at her and teased me about being a bird. Both wanted to know when Julian would be home from Savannah. I wanted to know as well, but since we’d stopped communicating, I had no clue.

The prospect of hanging around the house alone not knowing where he was or what he was doing was unbearable. Lucy and Robert hadn’t moved to Birmingham yet, so I shot her a text.

Back from college! Any chance we can meet up?

I was anxious to see her again before we all went in different directions, and even though she wasn’t staying at her dad’s anymore, she’d most likely know what was going on with her brother. She replied quickly.

Of course! Let’s do The Hangout tonight, dinner?

Meet you there at 8.

* * *