Authors: Keren Hughes
***
As we climbed into bed that night, Drake’s shoulders slumped for the first time all day. I wondered what could be bothering him. We’d had a good day, no arguments or anything going wrong. I moved up behind him on my knees on the mattress.
Face in his hands, resting his arms on his knees, Drake was keeping something in and I wanted him to let his guard down. He didn’t talk about feelings, he hadn’t been brought up in a very tactile family. The rest of his family only hugged or kissed you on birthdays and Christmas, although they were different with Ayden. He was their first grandchild and that brought something out in them that we didn’t see often. They were a loving family in their own way, they just didn’t wear their hearts on their sleeve like I did. It was an adjustment having to get used to how they were and slowly teaching Drake that he could be more tactile with me. Thankfully by the time Ayden came into the world, Drake found it easier to show his love, but still locked up his other feelings somewhere inside him.
“Drake, baby, tell me what’s wrong,” I pleaded softly.
A sigh was all I heard from him. I hung my head, still not knowing how to get him to open up after all these years together.
“I just want to forget,” he finally whispered.
“Forget what?” I wrapped my arms around him and sat by his side.
“My Dad…he…died yesterday.”
My world came crashing down around me. God only knows how Drake was feeling. He’d known about this since the previous day and hadn’t said a word. We’d spent Ayden’s birthday as we had planned instead of going to visit Lynne, Drake’s mom. I couldn’t understand. How could Dennis be dead?
“My mother said it was a heart attack and that the doctor said he wouldn’t have suffered. She found him in the shower in the morning. She didn’t want any of us to go round, needed her space to come to terms with it. I felt it best to at least let Ayden have his birthday the way we’d planned. It would have been a lot to cancel at the last minute.”
I couldn’t speak. Part of me wanted to comfort my husband after the death of the man he looked up to. The other part of me was mad as hell that he hadn’t told me sooner. How could he have found that out yesterday and not let me know immediately? Even if he’d wanted Ayden to have a good birthday, he still could have told me. After all, Dennis had been like a father to me to after I was estranged from my family. The Andersons had all been like family to me since I had met them. They treated me as a second daughter. Meghan, their daughter, was somewhat of a bitch to me at first, thinking I was some snooty cow and we butted heads. But when she got to know me, we had a great bond. I was guessing she hadn’t texted or called me about it because she thought Drake would tell me or because he had asked her not to mention it. Either way I was pissed off.
I snapped out of my own thoughts and nestled my head on Drake’s shoulder. For the first time since I’d known him, I heard him begin to softly cry.
A Few Days Later…
I still couldn’t believe that Drake had kept his father’s death a secret for the entire day of Ayden’s birthday, but I understood why he’d done it. He had wanted his son to have a good birthday—but he could’ve told me and I would’ve been there to help him shoulder the burden—he’d rather have kept us both in the dark to give us one day of happiness before the sadness of Dennis’ passing set in. Drake had shouldered the burden alone and it had been eating him up inside. Now it was time for Dennis’ funeral. Ayden had been inconsolable in my arms since we’d told him what had happened. Many people would argue he was too young to attend a funeral, but he was his grandad and we felt he should be given chance to say goodbye. It was going to be a day to celebrate Dennis’ life, not mourn his death.
It was Dennis’ last wish in his will that everyone attending was to wear any colour except black and that anyone wearing black would be given something bright at the doors of the church, a bright pink scarf or something like that, to put on before entering.
Ayden, Drake, and I got ready at home and as I looked at my husband, I saw the weight of the world pressing down on him. Without a doubt, Dennis had been someone Drake admired, respected, and loved deeply. We all did. He was a man in a million.
I held out the picture from my twelve week scan and Dennis took it with a look of joy in his eyes. He looked at the picture of the child he would get to call his grandson or granddaughter and the biggest smile overtook his face.
I had been scared to tell Lynne and Dennis that I was pregnant. It wasn’t Drake’s child, after all. I wasn’t sure how they’d take the news, but I needn’t have worried, they were as excited as we were. Drake and I had been friends at work before I had got pregnant and I didn’t know how he felt about me other than friendship until one day we went out and things went from friendship to relationship in the blink of an eye. He hadn’t cared one bit that I was pregnant with someone else’s child. He knew what he was taking on and that we came as a package deal. Both of us knew he would make a great father to this baby, knowing that the biological father wasn’t on the scene and never would be—a choice the biological father, Oliver, had made himself. The Denham family didn’t care about me or the baby I was carrying, but that was them all over. However, looking at Dennis’ face, I knew he and the Anderson family cared about us both.
Days later, Lynne had thrown me a baby shower, a little early maybe, but she was just so excited. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. The whole family was there and they all supported the fact that their son and brother was going to be a daddy. They had bought us so many things for the baby and I cried at the generosity and love I felt from them. Dennis had hugged me tight and said “Welcome to the family.” This made me cry and smile at the same time. For the first time in a long time, I felt something amazing—acceptance.
“Mommy, can you tie my tie now?” a tiny voice asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Of course, baby,” I replied as I took hold of his blue tie and put it around his neck. He wore a grey suit, complete with waistcoat. He’d picked it himself, saying that Grandad would be pleased with his choice. He’d chosen a sky blue tie to represent the football team his Grandad had supported and to go with the bright theme of the day.
“I hope Grandad can see me today,” Ayden said as I finished tying the knot.
“I’m sure he can, little man,” I said, my voice cracking slightly.
Ayden pulled on his suit jacket and turned towards Drake. He strode across the room and took Drake’s hand in his.
“Grandad wouldn’t want us to be sad, Daddy. Nanny told me so. He’d want us to be smiling, and if he can see you, he’ll be disappointed you aren’t smiling.”
My heart melted at the grown up attitude exuding from my little boy. He was old for his years, that was for sure.
“I know, buddy,” Drake answered in a sombre voice. It broke my heart to hear the sadness in his voice and see it written across his face.
“So smile, Daddy. Grandad is watching you to make sure you smile.”
I had to smile at my boy’s courage. He was hurting deep inside too, but he was smiling because that was what Dennis would have wanted.
Looking at Drake, he looked so handsome in his suit. It was navy blue, hardly the bright colours his Dad had requested, but he wore a tie that matched Ayden’s, a tie that was currently sitting askew. I walked towards him and reached out to straighten it for him.
Once we were all ready, we walked downstairs, locked the house behind us, and set off for Lynne’s house where we were meeting her, Meghan, Jack, Leanne, and Taylor.
Upon arriving, we were greeted by Leanne, who was making coffee for everyone. Drake’s sister-in-law was a royal pain in the butt, a diva, prima donna, drama queen—there were so many names for her that we’d need a month to get through them—but she was also a kind-hearted person who I had come to like in time. I’d instantly liked Jack, Drake’s brother, but there was something about Leanne that nobody liked. Dennis and Lynne said things about her when she wasn’t around, they told me what she was really like. But in time, we had all come to accept her, flaws and all.
Lynne and Meghan were sat with Jack and Taylor in the conservatory. Jack and Leanne had Taylor a year after Ayden had arrived. The boys adored each other, always playing games together. Christmases in the Anderson household were the best since the two boys had come along. Christmas was always a big affair for the family. Lynne was awake and cooking from about 6 a.m. Dennis would watch Christmas films—he was banned from helping in the kitchen. Drake, Ayden, and I would arrive and I would put an apron on to give Lynne a hand. Then Jack, Leanne, and Taylor would arrive and the house would get really noisy. Meghan would get there about 10 a.m. and Lynne would break open the wine—the only day of the year we drank before noon was Christmas Day. We’d all open our presents, then as the kids played, Lynne and I would serve dinner.
I looked at the girls—Meghan was dressed in soft pink chiffon, Lynne wore a floral print dress that Dennis had given her as an anniversary present, and Leanne wore a simple green shift dress. We all looked like we were going to anything but a funeral—I guess that was Dennis’ aim—but then I’ve always thought that funerals aren’t just to mourn the dead, they are also to celebrate the life that they lived. Jack and Taylor wore suits and blue ties like Drake and Ayden to pay homage to Birmingham City Football Club, the team Dennis had spent a long time supporting. Looking at the family surrounding me, I couldn’t help but smile. Yes, this was a day of great sadness, but we had all come together to pay tribute to Dennis’ life. A life that had been filled with a lot of love and happiness.
***
After a beautiful service, we all gathered back at the Anderson home for the wake. Lynne was doing her best to keep smiling, but if you looked closely, you could see that her façade was close to crumbling. I went to her and whispered in her ear before taking her arm and gently leading her towards the stairs. She went up before me and walked into her bedroom.
“Get some rest,” I said gently as Lynne sat on the edge of her bed. “You’re tired and you’ve had a hard day.”
“I can’t just walk away from everyone gathered here,” she replied, her voice full of sorrow and heartbreak.
“You can, just get your head down for an hour, I’ll come and get you in a little while, I promise.”
We could all see that it was both a physically and mentally draining day for the woman who had spent over forty years by Dennis’ side. We knew she wouldn’t rest unless pushed, so I had been the one to convince her. She was a stubborn woman, but even she knew how tired she was.
“Okay,” she whispered as she lay her head on the pillow and pulled her legs up to her in a sort of foetal position.
I went back downstairs and opened another bottle of wine. I walked round and topped up people’s glasses before sitting down outside on the patio and pouring myself another large glass. I looked at the boys playing in the garden and put my feet up on the garden chair. I lay back and shielded my eyes from the sun that was smiling down upon us.
The rest of the day was spent reminiscing and telling stories about Dennis. We laughed, we cried, and we did what families do best, we supported each other.
Later that night, we got a taxi home. Both Drake and I had consumed too much alcohol to drive and would pick the car up in the morning. Drake had drank considerably more than I had, more than even he normally would, but who could blame him when he was lost in grief?
Putting Ayden to bed, I tucked him in and gently stroked his head, his silky blond hair running through my fingers. I turned on his night light and crept quietly from his room.
By the time I got to bed, Drake was gently snoring, curled up on his side. I brushed my teeth and got in bed beside him. Looking at his profile, my mouth curled up into a bittersweet smile. It had been a difficult day and this handsome man beside me had pretended to be so strong for everyone else. Gazing upon him in sleep, he looked relaxed and calm, something I knew he was not.
***
The next morning, I woke before my boys and went downstairs to make breakfast.
Frying bacon in the pan, the radio on quietly in the background, I felt sadness wash over me. Sundays were normally family days. The tradition was that while I had a lie-in, Drake and Ayden would go to the shops for a newspaper and a magazine, then when I woke, we would go to Lynne and Dennis’ for a Sunday roast. Sundays would never be the same now and it made me wonder how we would go on. We couldn’t stay away from the rest of the family, but I knew Drake would feel some unease now that his Dad wasn’t around.
Little footsteps on the stairs alerted me to Ayden’s presence.
“Hey, Mommy,” he said as he sat at the kitchen island ready for breakfast.
“Hey, sweetheart, sleep well?” I asked as I poured him a glass of orange juice.
“I had a dream that Grandad was still here,” he replied in a quiet voice. “We were playing catch in the back garden at his house.”
“That’s nice, baby. Do you want to go and wake Daddy for breakfast?” I didn’t know what to say to Ayden about his dream, maybe nothing needed saying. I didn’t want him to stop talking about Dennis just because he was no longer around. I wanted him to remember how much his Grandad loved him.
“Sure,” he said, scrambling down from the stool to go and wake Drake.
A few minutes later, both of my boys were in the kitchen sat at the island, waiting for me to serve them a full cooked breakfast. I smiled tenderly at Drake, who gave me a small smile of his own. After dishing up, I sat with them at the island and we tucked into our food. The silence in the room was deafening. I had turned the radio off while Ayden was waking Drake, but I was suddenly wishing I hadn’t.
I watched Drake toy with his fork, not really eating much. I caught his gaze and he started to eat, probably more for show than out of hunger. When they had cleared their plates, I placed them in the dishwasher and told Ayden to go and get dressed.
Looking at my broken husband, seeing that he was trying to keep it all in, I moved towards him and enveloped him in my arms. I snuggled in to him and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to sit on his lap. He buried his head in the crook of my neck and it was then that I felt soft tears soak my pyjama top. Tears fell down my own cheeks and I wiped them away with the back of my hand while Drake wasn’t looking. My strong husband was falling apart and now I needed to be the strong one. I could do that. I could be the one to pick up the pieces. I would do anything for that man, anything at all. He owned me, body, heart, soul, and mind. My heart ached from seeing him in such a state. More than anything, I wanted to take away his pain. I made a silent promise then that I would be there to catch him when he fell. I would have the strength to carry on and be there when he needed me.