Monsters of Men (13 page)

“That’s not quite how it works, Todd. They won’t be interested in talking to you if they think they’re in a position of strength. Why would they want peace if they’re certain they can annihilate us?”

“But–”

“Don’t worry, Todd. I know this war. I know how to
win
this war. You show your enemy you can beat him and then you can have any kind of peace you want.”

I start to say something back but I’m finally too tired to argue. I can’t remember the last time I slept neither.

“You know something, Todd?” the Mayor says to me. “I could swear your Noise is a bit quieter.”

And–

I
AM THE
C
IRCLE AND THE
C
IRCLE IS ME.

He sends into my head again, with that same lightness, that same floating feeling–

That same feeling that makes my Noise disappear–

The feeling I didn’t tell Viola about–

(cuz it makes the screaming of the war disappear, too, makes it so I don’t gotta see all the dying over and over–)

(and is there something else there, too?)

(a low
hum
behind the lightness–)

“You stay outta my head,” I say. “I told you if you tried to control me, I’d–

“I’m not in your head, Todd,” he says. “That’s the beauty of it. It’s all you. Practise it. It’s a gift.”

“I don’t want no gift from you.”

“I’m sure that’s the case entirely,” he says, still smiling.

“Mr President?” It’s Mr Tate interrupting again.

“Ah, yes, Captain,” the Mayor says. “Are the first spy reports in?”

“Not yet,” Mr Tate says. “We expect them just after dawn.”

“When they’ll tell us there’s limited movement to the north above the river, which is too wide for Spackle troops to cross, and to the south along the ridge of hills, which is too remote for the Spackle to use effectively.” The Mayor looks back up to the hill. “No, they’ll attack us from there. Of that I have no doubt.”

“That’s not why I’ve come, sir,” Mr Tate says, and he holds up an armful of folded cloth. “It took a while to find in the wreckage of the cathedral, but it’s surprisingly unsullied.”

“Excellent, Captain,” the Mayor says, taking the cloth from him, real pleasure in his voice. “Most excellent indeed.”

“What is it?” I ask.

With a snap of his hands, the Mayor unfurls the cloth and holds it up. It’s a smart-looking jacket and matching trousers.

“My general’s uniform,” he says.

Mr Tate and me and all the soldiers nearby at their campfires watch as he takes off his blood- and dust-stained regular jacket and puts on a perfectly-fitted dark blue one with a gold stripe running down each sleeve. He smoothes it with his palms and looks back up at me, that amused twinkle still in his eye.

“Let the battle for peace commence.”

{VIOLA}

Acorn and I go back up the road and across through the square, the distant sky getting a pink tinge as dawn approaches.

I watched Todd as I left until I could no longer see him. I’m worried about him, worried about his Noise. Even when I left, it still had the strange blurriness to it, where it was hard to see details but was still just
vivid
with feelings–

(–even
those
feelings, the ones that were there for a minute before he got embarrassed, the physical feelings, the ones without words, the ones concentrated right on my skin, of how he wanted to touch it more, those feelings that made me want to–)

–and I wonder again if he’s in the same shock as Angharrad, if what he saw in battle was so bad, it somehow made him unable to even
see
it, even in his Noise, and my heart just breaks at the thought of it–

Another reason for no more war.

I pull the coat Simone gave me tighter. It’s cold and I’m shivering, but I can also feel myself sweating, which I know from my healer training means I have a fever. I pull up my left sleeve and look underneath the bandage. The skin around the band is still angry and red.

And now there are red streaks from it reaching down to my wrist.

Streaks that I know mean infection. Bad infection.

Infection that’s not being knocked back by the bandage.

I pull the sleeve back down and try not to think about it. Try not to think that I didn’t tell Todd how bad it was either.

Because I’ve still got to find Mistress Coyle.

“Well,” I say to Acorn. “She’s always talking about the ocean. I wonder if it’s really as far away as she–”

I jump as the comm beeps suddenly in my pocket.

“Todd?” I say, answering it immediately.

But it’s Simone.

“You’d better come straight back here,”
she says.

“Why?” I say, alarmed. “What’s happened?”

“I’ve found your Answer.”

Before

(THE RETURN)

The sun is about to rise as I take some food from the cookfires. Members of the Land watch as I collect a pan and fill it with stew. Their voices are open – they could hardly be closed and still be members of the Land – so I can hear them discussing me, their thoughts spreading one to the other, forming one opinion, then a contrary one and back again, all so fast I can barely follow it.

And then they come to a decision. One of the Land rises to her feet to offer me a large bone spoon so that I do not merely have to drink the stew from the bowl, and behind her I can hear the Land’s voices, their
voice
, offering it to me in friendship.

I reach out to take it.

Thank you
, I say, in the language of the Burden–

And there it is again, the slight discomfort at the language I speak, the distaste at something so alien, so
individual
, so representative of something shameful. It is quickly bundled away and argued against in the swirling voice, but it was definitely there for an instant.

I do not take the spoon. I hear their voices calling after me in apology as I walk away, but I do not turn around. Instead, I walk to a path I have found and start my way up the rocky hill by the side of the road.

The Land has mostly made its camp along the flat of the road, but I see others on the hillside as I climb, others from areas where the Land lives in mountains and who are more comfortable on the steepness. Likewise down below, there are those from where the Land lives near rivers who sleep in quickly made boats.

But then, the Land is all one, is it not? The Land has no
others
, it has no
they
or
those
.

There is only one Land.

And I am the one who stands outside it.

I reach a point where the hill becomes so steep I have to pull myself up. I see an outcropping where I can sit and look at the Land below me, much as the Land can look over the lip of the hill and see the Clearing.

A place where I can be alone.

I should not be alone.

My one in particular should be here with me, eating our meals together as the dawn slowly brightens, fighting off sleep, waiting for the next phase of the war side by side.

But my one in particular is not here.

Because my one in particular was killed by the Clearing as the Burden were first rounded up from back gardens and basements, from locked rooms and servant’s quarters. My one in particular and I were kept in a garden shed, and when the shed door was opened that night, my one in particular fought. Fought for me. Fought to keep them from taking me.

And was brought down by a heavy blade.

I was dragged away making the inadequate clicking sound the Clearing left us with after forcing us to take its “cure”, a sound that said
nothing
of what it was like to be torn from my one in particular and thrown into a gathered band of the Burden, who had to hold me down to keep me from running back to the shed.

To keep me from being cut down myself.

I hated the Burden for that. Hated them for not letting me die there and then, when my grief was not quite enough to kill me on its own. Hated them for the way they–

For the way
we
accepted our fates, the way we went where we were told, ate what we were told, slept where we were told. In all that time, we fought back once, only once. Against the Knife and the other one with him, the loud one who was bigger but seemed younger. We fought when the Knife’s friend strapped a band around one of our necks for pure, cruel fun.

For a moment, in silence, the Burden understood each other again. For a moment we were truly one again, connected.

Not alone.

And we fought.

And some of us died.

And we did not fight again.

Not when a group of the Clearing returned with rifles and blades. Not when they lined us up and began to kill us. Shooting us, hacking at us, making that high stuttering sound they call
laughing
. Killing the old and the young, mothers and babies, fathers and sons. If we tried to resist, we were killed. If we did not resist, we were killed. If we tried to run, we were killed. If we did not run, we were killed.

One after the other after the other after the other.

With no way to share our fear. No way to coordinate and try to protect ourselves. No way to be comforted as we died.

And so we died alone. Every one of us.

Everyone but one.

Everyone but 1017.

Before the killing began, they looked at our bands until they found me, and they dragged me to a wall and made me watch. Watch as the clicks of the Burden grew fewer and fewer, as the grass grew stickier with our blood, as at last I was the only Burden left alive on this entire world.

And then they clubbed me on the head and I awoke in a pile of bodies with faces that I recognized, hands that had touched mine in comfort, mouths that had shared their food, eyes that had tried to share their terror.

I woke up, alone among the dead, and they pressed on me, suffocated me.

And then the Knife was there.

Is here now–

Is pulling me from the bodies of the Burden–

And we tumble to the ground and I fall away from him–

We stare at each other, our breaths making clouds in the cold–

His voice is open wide with pain and horror at what he sees–

The pain and horror he always feels–

The pain and horror that always threatens to topple him over–

But never does.

“Yer
alive
,” he says, and he is so
relieved
, so
happy
, to see me in the middle of all that death where I am alone and alone and alone for ever, he is so happy that I vow to kill him–

And then he asks me about his own one in particular–

Asking if, among all the killing of my own kind, I have seen one of
his
–

And my vow becomes unbreakable–

I show him I will kill him–

In the weakness of my returning voice, I show him I will kill him–

And I will–

I will do it now, I will do it
right now
–

You are safe
, says a voice–

I am on my feet, my fists swinging in panic.

They are caught easily by the Sky in his larger hands, and as I pull back from the shock of the dream, I nearly topple off the outcropping. He has to catch me again, but his hand grabs the band and I cry out as he pulls me upright, his voice instantly surrounding the pain in mine, wrapping it away, lessening it, holding it until the fire in my arm calms down.

It remains so painful?
the Sky asks gently in the language of the Burden.

I am breathing heavily, from the surprise of being woken, from the surprise of finding the Sky near me, from the surprise of the pain.
It does
, is all I can show for the moment.