Momentary Marriage (28 page)

“When I’m at the office,” he said, his hands working at the hooks of her bra, “I think about you. About how perfectly your breasts fit into my hands.”

Discarding her restricting lingerie, he suited his actions to his words, his thumbs brushing over her taut nipples. “How perfect you are. You feel…so good.”

Kelsey sank back to sit on the edge of the bed.

From his position, kneeling before her, he bent forward, his tongue flicking over one puckered crest and then the other. “There are no words in any language I know to describe how you taste. So sweet and so hot.”

Tugging her up from the bed again, he skimmed her panties down her legs, still that erotic stroke of his hands on her, the smoothing of her bottom. He steadied her as she stepped out of the last scrap of her clothing.

On the floor before her, he was fully clothed. Too fully clothed. She reached for his tie and loosened it. Distracted by the brush of his fingers over her belly, the tug of his teeth nipping gently at her breast, she persevered, opening his shirt, pushing off his jacket. Soon he was before her, his torso bared in the half-light from the window.

Not a man who worked with his hands, he still stripped down beautifully, his body warm and muscled. She ran her palms over him, over his shoulders and biceps, the flat planes of his chest.

Jared cupped her buttocks in both hands and pulled her against his body, her naked breasts against his bare chest, his strong arms encircling her. Nestling her face into the crook of his shoulder, she licked him, tasting salt and man.

There were still his pants to lose. Sliding her hands down his chest, she loosened his belt, unzipped him and pushed his trousers down. Returning the favor, she reached around and cupped him through his briefs, drawing them together tightly, his arousal hard through the thin cotton knit.

He held her in his arms, his hands brushing at her back, tracing her spine, skating to the hollow of her back, to the flare of her hips. Moving against him, her breasts against his chest, her mouth on his neck, his shoulder, his earlobe, she did her level best to incite the beast.

Jared made her long, made her yearn. Made every touch precious, every moment golden. She wanted him so badly her hands were shaking as she pulled on his briefs.

Stepping back from her, he shed his one remaining barrier and came to her where she stood by the bed. He urged her back on the bed, smoothing his hand down her belly to tangle in the curls between her legs.

She moaned, unable to stop the breathless, betraying sound. Tantalizing, teasing, he stroked her, his mouth on hers, his scent surrounding her. The tight coil of wanting brightened inside her till she could hear the harshness of her breath in her throat, but she held back. Next to her, his face was planes and angles in the shadowed light, harsh intensity in his expression, taut and rapt.

Stroking a hand along his thigh, Kelsey cupped him. Hot and aroused, he stilled at her touch and then began moving against her hand, slowly thrusting as if he couldn’t help himself.

Never before had she been so aware of having power with a man, of having the means to send him over the edge with the slightest squeeze of her fingers or flick of her tongue. Her body next to his, her heart wide open, she leaned forward, stroking the full length of him. Somehow in this darkened room, their breath mingled, their souls as entangled as their bodies, they’d forged a link, a reflection of the merging of their lives.

“Don’t!” he said, the word breathless with effort. “I need to be inside you, all wet and welcomed.”

Rolling over on his back, Jared urged her to mount him, straddling his rock hard, glistening arousal. Her hands at his shoulders, Kelsey lowered herself onto him, inch by wondrous inch, till he was sheathed in her, tight and perfect.

Beneath her splayed hands, his chest rose with each breath, his heart thundered. Rising and rocking on him, Kelsey gave herself over to sensation. Stroke after stroke a ripple of pleasure. Her head rolled back, her body locked with his intimately.

Together, locked together. Bound in ecstasy, they found the sun.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Her period was a week overdue.

Kelsey stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, grateful Jared had an early meeting. She was alone in the apartment, but she still couldn’t bring herself to open the box that held the pregnancy test.

Anxiety roiled in her stomach like acid. It was as if her fears had come true.

She was never late. Her first period had dawned in the summer of her twelfth year and had come since then as regularly as the cycles of the moon. Now, she was on the pill which made for even more consistency. She knew to the day when she should have started.

But just over three weeks ago she’d been sick, she remembered. Jared had taken care of her so wonderfully. She hadn’t worried about anything, had only basked in his care. Too busy being amazed at his sweetness despite his annoyance with her, she hadn’t even thought to take her pill that day or to double up the next.

Kelsey dropped the pregnancy test on the counter next to the sink and slumped into the vanity chair. Staring sightlessly into the mirror, she remembered the day after she’d been sick.

They’d made love three times. Hungry, satiating sex. She’d found herself crying afterwards, filled with a sense of connection she couldn’t explain.

In the weeks since, she’d craved his touch, ignoring her confusing emotions, but aching to kiss him, hold him. Needing, thirsting for physical union.

Wasn’t ovulation supposed to do that to women? She’d read a theory once that claimed the hormones connected with ovulation prompted women to want sex. A dirty trick of evolution to continue the species, some expert said.

She buried her face in her trembling hands. It couldn’t be. She couldn’t be pregnant. Despite the longing that little Amelia had triggered inside her, it wasn’t time to have a child, was surely the worst time. As much as she’d always wanted a family and children to nurture, this wasn’t the way she wanted it to happen. Children should be planned, eagerly anticipated.

Babies needed families. Loving parents like Amelia’s. People who had a chance of staying together.

With everything between she and Jared, the possibility of her actually becoming pregnant while on the pill seemed unreal. Maybe she was imagining the whole thing. Maybe she’d miscounted somehow, mixed up her pill packets. Since misplacing them on their honeymoon, she’d taken to always having two packets on hand—if only to keep herself from doing something really stupid like getting “accidentally” pregnant on purpose.

Opening her eyes as a low moan escaped her, she looked at the pregnancy test. It sat on the countertop, undeniably real.

She’d counted and recounted, checked and rechecked. She was late and she’d never been late. Certainly not this late.

Fear, dread and panic battled in her chest. This couldn’t be. She wasn’t ready for it, couldn’t do the job right. In her dreams of motherhood, she’d felt stronger, had planned all the particulars.

Except the father. That part had never been clear. If love didn’t bind a man to a woman, how could she rely on his love for their child?

Either her own father hadn’t ever loved her and Amy or had lost that emotion early in their lives.

What kind of father would Jared make?

Involuntarily, she remembered him rolling on the grass with his niece. Remembered him holding the baby at the hospital two nights ago. What would he be like with their child? Her treacherous imagination supplied an immediate answer.

Jared holding a small, pink baby, it’s face scrunched up in a squall as he rocked, his voice low and soothing.

Jared tickling tiny pink toes, blowing bubbles on a small tummy. A baby with his dark eyes, laughing with joy.

She could instantly envision him walking confidently down the street, a pink diaper bag over one arm, their infant cradled in the other. The man did everything with assurance. He’d parent no differently.

Kelsey sobbed suddenly, the sound echoing in the bathroom. A baby would tie her to him forever. He’d never be like her father, never abandon his child and its mother to the world. No matter where she went or what she did, a child would link them together irrevocably.

Leaning her head on her crossed arms, she cried heavily, impervious to the cold tile counter top beneath her arms.

She
wanted
to be tied to him. Wanted to secure him to her forever. That was why their lovemaking had taken on a tender, earth-shattering flavor. The realization only made her cry harder.

She loved Jared, really loved him. Those few relationships in her past that she’d thought had been based on love had felt nothing like this. Somehow, she’d always managed to keep herself a little apart, never really at risk. Always heart-whole until now.

Sobs wrenched her body as though each was torn from her. She’d never been so frightened in all her life, never felt more alone.

Nothing lasted. No one knew that better than she. Friends were more constant than lovers and even friends sometimes drifted away.

This marriage had come with an expiration date and no love at all. It was designed to fail, based only on necessity and lust. How could she have let herself fall in love with him?

Kelsey straightened, staring at her tear-ravaged reflection in bitter recognition. This was new. Never before had she felt this kind of yearning. Never had she known with certainty that she wasn’t whole without him.

All those times she’d thought she was in love, she’d just been playing a game, always keeping some part of herself back. Always planning for the day she didn’t want to come back to it. Watching out not to care too much.

But Jared had slipped under her guard. Before she’d known it, he’d captured her heart.

And he’d done it with so little intent. The man enjoyed having sex with her…and he wouldn’t mind her having a child or two for him.

He’d never claimed love, never asked for it from her.

She stood up jerkily, grabbing the pregnancy test off the counter. She couldn’t face it, couldn’t deal with this now.

Walking quickly into the kitchen, she shoved the box into the trash, making sure she covered it.

If she didn’t use the test, didn’t know for sure, maybe she could wish the situation away for another few hours, another day or so.

Dressing quickly, Kelsey refused to think about anything. Instead, she sped up her routine, hurrying to get out of the apartment. She needed the distraction of work, people around her.

She couldn’t do this, couldn’t let herself feel this horrible certainty of doom. Being pregnant now would be bad enough, but loving him--that was the kicker.

Loving Jared meant losing her heart forever. Meant slipping into a tormented world of battered emotion. The world in which her mother lived.

The last few weeks, last few days, had been heaven. Laughing and talking together. Making love till she wept in his arms. How could she survive losing him? When it all came crashing down and the divorce lawyers stepped in, what would be left of her?

Leaving the apartment, she fled to the street, rode the subway to work and forced herself to think of the job. She had to proof the art for the bank campaign. It was already overdue. There was a concept meeting at ten. Later, there was a photo shoot to be personally supervised.

Somehow, she’d make it. She had to.

But nothing seemed right. She got off the elevator and hurried to her office, waiting for the familiarity of the routine and the place to soothe her jumpy nerves.

An hour later, she still couldn’t shake the panic in her stomach. She was
fine,
she reminded herself over and over. Today was no different than a hundred days before.

Except that she loved Jared. Had lost her heart to him irrevocably.

Forcing herself to function, she couldn’t still her incoherent, fragmented thoughts. Couldn’t gather her distracted focus. One minute she conferred with her boss, the next she sat at her desk imagining divorce proceedings, imagined sending her child away every other weekend. Unless Jared was like her father, having no interest in his child. Perhaps she’d been wrong about that.

No. He’d be more likely to demand joint custody. Then she’d send her child away every other week.

The pencil in Kelsey’s hand snapped.

What would it be like to see Jared every week, loving him, knowing he didn’t love her? There would be other women. With a man like Jared, that was certain.

Nausea hit her like a freight train. Kelsey bolted up from her desk and ran for the restroom, barely making it in time.

Throwing up, she could only be grateful no one else was there to hear her. As she wiped her face a few minutes later with shaking hands, Kelsey bit back a sob.

She had become her mother. A woman buffeted by love. Ever hopeful, always hurt. How had she let this happen when she knew the dangers better than anyone?

How many times had she promised herself she wouldn’t end up this way?

Kelsey dried her hands and left the restroom, walking back to her office with a determined step. She had to regain her perspective, had to recover her armor.

Sitting down at her desk, she pulled a proof sheet in front of her, knowing she couldn’t continue living with Jared. She had to get away now while there was still some possibility of recapturing her equilibrium.