Hey!
Just the one, Dagne said, and put the stem on the table, picked up the chalice, and went into the kitchen.
What are you doing? Rachel called after her.
Cleaning this and adding purified water! she called back, and appeared a moment later with the chalice in hand, the water magically purified, apparently. Anxiously motioning for Rachel to stand, she said, The first spell was to find the guy. But you need one to .see the guy. I mean, you cant really do anything if you dont know who it is, right?
Dagne
Dagne thrust the alstromeria at her. Tear the petals into small pieces and put them in the water, she said, and then say this before you drink it in one gulp
With the petals?
You drank dirt, Rachel. Surely you can drink a flower. Tear them up, then say: In the night I sleep and there shall I glean, he who steals my heart from his image in my dreams .
Her wine buzz was definitely wearing off, and Rachel shook her head. The first one was better. Simple, to the point. This one isnt even proper English. And besides, I think youre going overboard.
But theyre different spells.
I dont care. The first one will do the trick and I dont want to drink flowers.
Come on , Rachel!
No. This is stupid and I am not going to glean anything from my dreams!
Yes, you are. I already put a dream spell on you. Do it, Dagne said, thrusting the flower stem at her.
Make me, Rachel shot back, folding her arms across her middle.
Dagne groaned to the ceiling. Thanks a lot, Rachel! Thanks a whole helluva lot! This is my first real attempt at beneficial magic and you are screwing everything up! Would it kill you to try a spell? Would it kill you to help me out?
Oh puh-leez , the drama queen had arrived! Fine , Rachel snapped, and snatched the flower and the chalice, and ripped the petals of the alstromeria apart, put them in the water, and picked up the chalice, holding it before her. In a stage voice worthy of a Tony Award, she said dramatically, In the night I sleep and there shall I dream
Glean ! Shall I glean ! Dagne corrected her. Start over!
Could you be just a little bossier? In the night I sleep and there shall I GLEAN, she repeated loudly and clearly, he who steals my heart from his image in my dreams. She tossed the water and the alstromeria petals down her throat, slapped down the chalice.
Dagne indicated she had a part of a flower on her lip; Rachel brushed it off and said, That may have been the dumbest thing Ive ever done. And that is saying a lot.
Have another glass of wine, Dagne said blithely.
After that, she needed one.
Actually, they both had another glass of wine, and Rachel talked Dagne into showing her a pagan ritual dance. In spite of Dagnes best efforts to remain true to her newfound beliefs, they both dissolved into a pile of giggles in the middle of her living room floor.
At that point, they decided double fudge brownies were definitely in order.
When Dagne finally went home, Rachel was feeling lighter and happier than she had since her return from New
York. She brushed her teeth, put on her favorite flannel pajamas, and crawled into bed with a romance novel about Sir Adam Percy, an English knight.
And that night, Rachel had an extremely vivid dream of said knight, who, incidentally, looked a lot like Colin Farrell, rode a mean horse, and was very much in love with her
THE next morning, Rachel awoke with an uncharacteristically enthusiastic mind-set about her new diet and exercise program. She showered, donned the requisite spandex for the gym, and checked her horoscope. People who respect your power are in short supply. You may need to step up
Not exactly the auspicious beginning she was looking for, so she checked the other water signs, Pisces and Scorpio (Focus on accepting your faults; recent financial risks might not get the return you hoped for) , and gave up on that idea, and checked her e-mail instead. There were two.
Subject: Grandpas Irregularity
From: Lillian Stanton lt; [email protected] gt;
To: Rachel Ellen Lear lt; [email protected] gt;
Hi Little Angel! This is your grandma. Is it cold in Providence yet it was 90 degrees yesterday and I
damn near had a heatstroke working in the garden. Your grandpa hasnt been regular in two weeks and if something doesnt unplug that pipe I might kill him. You aint never seen him so grumpy but I remember at Blue Cross you told me about some natural something I could give him to help loosen him up. What was the name of it again? Thanks, angel. Luv U. Grandma. P.S. I almost forgot I am sending you this seaweed diet from the Internet because I know how much you like things like seaweed.
Rachel quickly dispatched a response to Grandma that did not invite any discussion about Grandpas problem, nor did she correct Grandmas misinterpretation that a seaweed wrap was edible. The next e-mail was from her oldest sister, Robin.
Subject: Hey
From: lt; rmanning70(@)earthlink.net gt;
To: Rach lt; [email protected] gt;
Yo, whassup dawg? Ha HAAA. Coming home for Christmas? Hope so. Listen, remember that night out at Blue Cross when we drank the bottle of tequila and you tried to explain the theory behind the universe or something equally boring, and Bee and I were laughing at you? Not to be confused with all the other times weve laughed at you, but the tequila night in particular. One thing you said sorta stuck with methe tantric sex thing, remember? I was just wondering if theres a website or a video or someplace like that where inquiring minds could go nose around, some people in Houston might be interested.
Subject Re: Hey
FROM: lt; [email protected] gt;
To: lt; [email protected];
-
Hi Robbie. Dear God, could there be trouble in PAR-ADISE? Didnt you say once that you Had the best sex life of any woman under the sun? WHAT HAP-PENED??? So what, you have a baby and the spark is suddenly gone? As in kaput, snuffed out, drowned? Ill look around and see if there is a website, but most of what I was TRYING to tell you came from books. Im amazed anything stuck with you at all after all the tequila you drank. So why dont you and Jake just make a date for the library some evening? You may be delighted and titillated by what you find there.
Rachel, who thinks its funny you need a little spice in the boudoir.
That was all her mail, and as nothing earth-shattering was happening in Texas, she grabbed her gym bag and made for the kitchen and a bottle of water before heading out.
She stuffed the bottled water into her gym bag, hoisted it onto her shoulder, and started for the back door and instantly noticed the brownies from last night staring up at her from the breakfast bar, screaming her name. No, really, they were screaming, Rachel, Rachel, youre going to the gym anyway, so whats one brownie ?
The brownies had a point. Surely shed burn off any brownie calories in the first half hour. In fact, she could do the power Yogilates class to be extra sure which really gave her license to eat two brownies, didnt it?
She managed to escape the kitchen before a third brownie jumped into her hand, and she paused at the back door, peering furtively out the little window to make sure her next-door neighbors werent outside engaged in their obsessive-compulsive disorder behavior of excessive yard work. This was not something she was exaggeratingthere really was something seriously wrong with the Valicielos. As in, Mr. Valicielo spent most afternoons trimming somethingshrubs, grass, trees, even their ridiculously tiny dog. And when he ran out of things to trim, he mowed a new pattern in the lawncrisscrosses, checkerboards, gridirons.
Likewise, Mrs. Valicielo was forever on her foam rubber knee pads, her enormous butt high in the air while she weeded the garden, although it was hard to see how a weed could possibly even root, much less bare its ugly head, as vigilant as she was with her trowel.
The Valicielos were so obsessed with that yard that when the elm in Rachels backyard succumbed to root rot, and fell over, landing squarely on top of the Valicieloss chain-link fence, she knew it was big trouble.
Yep, Mr. Valicielo was over within the hour, anxiously gripping and ungripping his gardening hat as he inquired as to when she might have the tree removed.
As soon as I can, Mr. Valicielo, she said. I dont have the money just now.
Aha, he said, and looked at the tree laid across his fence again, wincing. But it will ruin the fence Theres gotta be something you can do.
Rachel looked at the tree. I guess I could try and move it, she said, and the two of them did indeed try to move it. But they at last gave in and stood there, hands on hips, huffing with the exertion of having tried to move a tree that seemed much larger on its side than when it was standing up. I wont leave it, I promise, she had wheezed. Ill have it moved just as soon as I get paid.
Mr. Valicielo had looked at her like he thought that was a load of crap.
With good reason, as it turned out. It had been three weeks now, and Rachel still didnt have the money to have the tree removed. So shed adopted the attitude of hide and watch, and when she was certain the Valicielos werent around, shed make a mad dash for her VW Beetle, tear out of the driveway as if she was fleeing the scene of a murder, and burn rubber all the way down Slater Avenue.
The only problem with her approach was that the Valicielos were just as determined to casually run into her and badger her about that tree. On more than one occasion, Mr. Valicielo had chased her down the drive and into the street.
Fortunately, this morning there was no sign of them, so Rachel tiptoed out to the yellow convertible Beetle, fired her up, and raced backward out of the drive. As she backed onto Slater Avenue, she noticed that while shed been busy hiding, her neighbors (Welcome to Our House ! a plaque on their door read, Tony and Ermaline Valicielo) had added two new plastic deer to accompany the five-hundred-head herd, the plastic giant frog, and the pinwheels on their perfectly manicured and festive lawn.
Rachel hit the gas and sped down the street, just in case one of them was looking out the window.
A quarter of an hour later, she bounced into the gym, carrying her extra-large cafe au lait. Lori, the gal at the desk, almost choked on her tomato juice when she saw Rachel. God, I thought you had, like, died or something! she exclaimed loudly.
Rachel laughed as she signed in.
No, seriously, I thought I heard that! Lori insisted.
All right already, so shed missed a few weeks at the gym. Ive been out of town.
For a whole year ?
That was so stupid. It hadnt been more than ten months, max, Rachel thought as she proceeded down the hall.
Her power Yogilates instructorwho had been Rachels yoga instructor ten months agoseemed a little confused, too, when she came into the studio. Her face scrunched up as she stared at Rachel. Diane, right?
Rachel. Im in your yoga class?
The instructor blinked. I havent taught yoga in like a year , she said.
Well pardon her, was she the only one in Providence to have ever taken a little time off from the fitness program? Why didnt they just run something over to the paper and announce it had been A YEAR since Tubby Rachel Lear had been to the gym?
She walked to the very back corner of the room, where no one could possibly get in behind her, and rolled out her mat.
The class started out great. She remembered the moves and was feeling very rejuvenated. And then the power part began, and she was quickly so dizzy from not being able to breathe that her muscles felt like jelly. All she knew was that if the session didnt end soon, someone was going to have to call an ambulance.
When the session, at last, did end, one girl leaned over Rachelwho was lying on her mat, staring at the fluorescent lights above her. Are you all right? she asked, looking really concerned.
Fine, Rachel wheezed, catching her breath and sitting up, marveling at how sadly out of shape she was. Well, no more. Rachel Lear was a new person!
She headed for the gym and the stationary bikesjust a little something to get the juices flowing. Her pace was leisurely, and she set her monitor to random hills.
She hadnt even gotten off the flat part and into the hills before a woman in gym pants and cropped top that showed off her flat belly got on the bike beside her. She looked impossibly bored as she punched some control buttons on the panel and began to cycle.
Rachel could not help noticing that when the woman leaned over, her stomach did not make little rolls. It was perfectly flat.
Gawd, she hated that woman.
Hated her so bad that in a fit of zealous bigotry, she punched in-zone training plus and began to pedal furiously, too. And in the space of maybe a minute, she was huffing like an old woman, sweat was trickling down between her breasts and over her roll and into the waistband of her spandex yoga pants, which now seemed ridiculously tight and unforgiving.
She glanced at the woman from the corner of her eyewho was on the same setting, but doing five million rpms faster than Rachel, and hadnt even broken a sweat.
Rachel suddenly stopped pedaling. Whew! she said, to signal to anyone who might be watching that she had just finished her ride through the Rocky Mountains, and swung off the bike like she did it every day.
It was nothing short of a miracle that her legs actually held her up and she didnt collapse into an enormous pile of sticky jelly goo. Rachel mopped her forehead and saunteredwell, lurched, anywayto the weight machines.
A full two hours after shed entered the gym, and after several hundred pounds of lifting and squatting in various humiliating forms and fashions, still sweating and her hair going in five thousand directions in spite of the two tight coils she had wound it into, Rachel made her way out to the parking lot, Frankenstein style, one hand on the stitch in her side while images of steaming baths and candles danced in her minds eye.
As she staggered to her car (she would have to have parked in the very last slot on the very last row), she noticed that the coffeehouse next to the gym had filled to capacity with people who had nothing better to do on such a wet and dreary day. The place was so full that as she neared the end of the parking lot, she saw that someone had parked behind her, blocking her in. Dammit !