When she crossed the threshold onto the street, relief soaked her like a spring downpour. After years of planning on Ephraim, after years of believing she loved him, to finally let him go was the most liberating feeling she’d ever known. She exhaled every bad feeling lodged in her heart. The breath turned into a sigh. The sigh became a shout from deep in her soul. Her voice rang through the crisp air and soared to the sky as she threw out her hands and twirled in the empty snow-covered street. Daisy twitched her ears and nodded in Miriam’s direction.
Miriam held the reins and ran her hand along Daisy’s neck. The filly was lost to her, and Daisy was old. What would she do when she could not ride Daisy anymore? Did Seth still own the colt?
Without warning, thoughts of Seth rushed into the empty place in her heart and almost knocked her over. She felt as if she were falling from a tall building as her stomach rose to her throat and then her new, bright world crashed at her feet.
How could she have been so blind?
As sure as the sun would peek over the trees on a bright summer morning, she loved Seth Lambright. Why had she not noticed the way he crept into her thoughts and set up a permanent camp in her heart? A thrill of anticipation traveled up her spine. She loved him!
She loved his expression when he was deep in thought, mulling over her problems as if they were his own, gifting her with wisdom and solace. She cherished his rare smile and the way he guarded his heart from grief. She saw the boy—frightened, vulnerable, determined—who had grown into a man who wanted to fix everybody and everything, to make the whole world happy and just and right. And full of love.
Her struggles with Ephraim had torn her heart from its true home. Could she ever hope to return?
“I think I love you.”
He’d tried to tell her.
He loved her once. Had he given up on her?
The oppressive sadness returned as abruptly as it had left her.
Seth had sent the filly to Matthew Eicher’s stables so he wouldn’t be forced to see Miriam. Even when they were together, he might as well have been a stranger. He didn’t even want to be her friend.
Laura had returned his quilt without his knowledge, but in the end, he didn’t want it back.
If you reject the gift, you reject the giver.
Standing next to Daisy, Miriam leaned her forehead against the saddle. She had lost what she really wanted in pursuit of an illusion. An hour ago, she believed she couldn’t feel any lower. Now she had fallen into a hole so deep there was no light at the bottom.
Tears trickled down her face. She willed herself to restrain them, to keep them in check while she stood in the middle of the street where anyone could see her. Ephraim would scold her for her pathetic childishness. Seth would put an arm around her and take her home.
At the memory of Seth’s kindness, the rebellious tears would not be suppressed. Her body shook with emotion as a raspy sob broke from her throat. Once her defenses were breached, she couldn’t stop the grief. Standing with her head on Daisy’s saddle, she released gut-splitting, jaw-aching sobs into the air. The sky swallowed them up and did not answer back.
Miriam turned the buggy up Seth’s lane. The sky glowed brilliant blue. Not the icy blue when winter tightened its grip on the trees and air, but a bright azure usually reserved for a rare day in June. The stable and pastures spread before her, covered with deep, blindingly white snow. Drifts crowded around the fence posts and sparkled in the rising sun like a meadow of diamonds.
Miriam had awakened early this morning, even before Mamm, to bake two full pans of the cinnamon rolls she had let rise overnight. With the rolls in the cookstove, she hitched up the buggy so it would be ready as soon as the rolls were. She wanted them to be hot when she delivered them. Nothing pleased the senses like the smell of a hot cinnamon roll drizzled with cream cheese frosting and dripping with butter and cinnamon.
She needed every advantage she could get.
Mamm had appeared in the kitchen as Miriam pulled the sweet rolls from the stove.
“The thought!” she had exclaimed. “Leaving your family on Christmas morning. What about the presents? What about breakfast?”
“I must do this, Mamm. I can’t live another day with this pressing on me. I can’t breathe for the sorrow.”
Mamm had given her a firm embrace. “Then, go. Go. No one should live without love.” She squeezed tighter. “May the gute Lord go with you.”
Miriam pulled the reins and set the brake on the buggy. Smoke curled from the chimney of Seth’s cozy clapboard house. A grin fought through her distress. He had even hung a wreath on the door. For a no-nonsense man like Seth, it was an uncharacteristically festive touch.
With her heart pounding wildly, Miriam found it well nigh impossible to breathe. She panted her way to his door with an overflowing basket in one hand and a gift box in the other. The box, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a cherry-red ribbon, carried all her hopes. If Seth did not want it, she would be crushed.
A stampede ensued inside as soon as she knocked on the door. Nothing excited a child like a visitor.
Still in their nightclothes, Priscilla, Joshua, and Jacob stood in the hallway and stared at Miriam with wide eyes and open mouths. Joshua slid his hand into Priscilla’s.
Miriam didn’t expect the tears that sprang to her eyes. “I have missed you all so much.”
She heard his voice from the kitchen. The low richness sent a tingle of anticipation down her spine.
“Who is it?”
Joshua shifted his weight and frowned uncomfortably. “I am not supposed to say it,” he called back.
“Invite them in so they don’t freeze on our doorstep.”
Joshua looked at Miriam as if he didn’t quite know what to do. “Do you want to come in?”
Miriam nodded and stepped into the long hallway, closing the door behind her. The wooden floors glowed a warm, caramel brown. She looked into the sitting room and down the hallway. Completely bare. No furniture or rugs of any kind.
“Nice to have a visitor on Christmas morning,” Seth said as he appeared from the kitchen, a towel draped in his hands. He froze to solid ice when he saw her, his slate gaze riveted to hers. “Miriam.”
How could a voice hold both hope and despair at the same time?
At the sight of Seth, so handsome he put Ephraim Neuenschwander to shame, her heart doubled its efforts and pounded violently against her chest. She was sure the echo could be heard throughout the empty house.
“I—I brought presents,” she said as everyone stared at her with the intensity of a cat stalking a mouse.
A breathless second passed before Jacob sidled close and slipped his arms around her waist. She steadied her box and basket while giving Jacob an awkward pat with her arms full.
“I knew you would come back,” Jacob said. “I told Seth, but he didn’t believe me. What is in the basket? It smells good.”
Miriam knelt down, placed the box on the floor, and pulled the cloth away from the cinnamon rolls.
Jacob sat close to the basket and breathed in. A smile of delight spread over his face. “Can we have one?”
Joshua, his manner still guarded, put a hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “Seth is making us pancakes and bacon.”
Seth broke his silence but didn’t move from his spot at the edge of the kitchen. “Like as not, they taste better than what I am making.”
Joshua pursed his lips, making him look much older than his ten years. “We should eat Seth’s breakfast.”
Miriam ignored the twinge of pain that Joshua had not meant to deliver. Another rejected gift. It didn’t bode well for her visit.
A lump lodged in her throat and made it difficult to speak. “These rolls can be eaten anytime you want. I wouldn’t want to ruin the special Christmas breakfast you have planned.” She reached into the basket for four small packages. “I brought something for each of you, if you like. But I thought Laura would be here.”
Seth had grown roots where he stood. “She comes in later today.”
Miriam handed the first box to Jacob, who seemed the only person unsuspicious of her presence. “This is for you.”
Jacob’s face lit up before he turned to Seth. Seth gave him a curt nod, permission enough to open the present. Jacob lifted the lid of the box to reveal the shiny silver whistle she had picked out at the market. Jacob gasped with excitement. “Denki, Miriam. I always wanted a whistle so Seth and Joshua can hear me when I am out in the pasture.”
“Only blow it outside,” she said. “And not in Joshua’s ear.”
He grinned and nodded enthusiastically.
Miriam held up a crinkly package and willed Priscilla to come to her. Scilla cracked a smile and extended her hand. Miriam nervously bit her lip as she opened her present. Had she remembered that Seth said he would give Scilla a new doll for Christmas?
“Oooh,” said Priscilla as she let the paper fall to the ground. She held the miniature quilt up to the light of the window.
Miriam hadn’t had time to design a complicated pattern, just a single pinwheel in the center, tied instead of quilted. Pink and white twirled nicely together on the top.
“Pink is my favorite color,” Scilla said.
“Lady Dancing loves her quilt. I thought you might want one for your doll.”
Priscilla’s face fell. “I don’t have a doll.”
Miriam glanced at Seth. He melted long enough to give her a wink.
“Come summertime, I can make a doll out of a hollyhock,” Priscilla said.
“Gute, then this quilt will be ready for her.”
Miriam picked up Joshua’s box. He stood with his arms folded, surveying his siblings’ gifts. Did he think that if he showed any openness to Miriam, it would be an affront to Seth?
“I would be honored if you would accept this,” she said.
He hesitated and then took the present from her hand. He tore the paper casually, as if he couldn’t care less what was inside. From his box, he pulled out a smaller wooden box rounded at the top and covered with netting.
“It’s a bug catcher,” Miriam said, in case he had trouble guessing. “You can put bugs in here and watch them. My brother used to fill his with fireflies.”
The corners of Joshua’s lips curled up. “Denki. I like bugs.”
“I know,” Miriam said.
Jacob pointed to the box. “Is that big present for Seth?”
Miriam’s pulse, which had slowed to a gallop, raced away from her at the very mention of Seth’s name. She picked up the box and stood. “Jah, it is.”
He hadn’t taken his gaze from her face since he came into the hall. Her eyes met his, and she recognized a mixture of confusion and resignation. He came toward her slowly, the towel wadded in his fist like a lifeline.
“You didn’t need to bring me a present.”
She held it out to him. “It is something to make your life easier.”
The first time she had given him the quilt, she had made him smile when she said that. This time he drew back in alarm, as if perfectly remembering that entire exchange.
He whipped the towel over his shoulder and took the box as if she were giving him poison. After untying the bow, he handed the lid to Joshua. He looked into the box and the hard line of his mouth told her everything she didn’t want to know. “Miriam…I—I am sorry, but I told you not to give this back.”
Why did she feel so empty when a million pieces of her shattered heart filled her chest? The tears stung her eyes, but neither Seth nor his siblings would see her cry. She would spare herself the humiliation.
“I hoped you might want it,” she said, unable to speak above a whisper.
She recognized the concern in his eyes. Always so noble, always trying to make things easy for her. “It’s not a matter of wanting, Miriam. I can never have what I truly want.”
Her shattered heart made a tiny flutter.
“What do you truly want?”
He took a deep breath and bowed his head in surrender. “You know perfectly well what I want, Miriam Bontrager. This quilt is a reminder of my loss. I am sorry to make you unhappy, but I don’t want to be tortured with what might have been.” He motioned to Jacob’s whistle and Priscilla’s new quilt. “These gifts, these gestures only hurt my family. It is unfair to make us grow fond of you, only to lose you.”
Compared to the despair of moments ago, renewed hope almost stole her breath. Surely Seth could see her heart hammering on her rib cage in an attempt to get out of her chest.
Priscilla, Joshua, and Jacob stood like statues, staring at their brother and Miriam. If Seth’s distress had not been so great and her feelings so tender, the children’s expressions would have made her smile. They were witnesses to the unveiling of her heart.
“Will you do me a favor, Seth? It is an enormous favor, but since we are such close friends, I hope—”
His eyes turned stormy. “You have not been listening. I cannot help you.”
“You have not heard my favor.”
“It does not matter.”
She laid a gentle hand over his work-calloused fingers still wrapped around the quilt box. “Will you marry me?”
If she had blown a puff of air at him, it would have knocked him over. Surprise leaped into his eyes, followed closely by a warm glow brighter than the snow outside.
“What does Ephraim think about that?” he murmured, never letting his gaze stray from her face.
“He sees that I am in love with someone who is not him.”
One side of his mouth twitched in amusement. “I can live with that.”
Unable to resist his deliciously snug embrace, she took the quilt box from him and handed it to Joshua. Then she threw her arms around Seth and planted a kiss right on his mouth. He jerked backward in surprise before coming to his senses, or losing them, wrapping his arms firmly around her waist and kissing her with so much warmth, she thought she might melt.
Jacob’s squeal was so shrill, the dogs within a hundred miles could hear him.
The kiss didn’t last near long enough, but long enough indeed to make Miriam’s legs turn to jelly and her pulse to set a new speed record.
Seth pulled away from her and took a step back. His breath was shallow and ragged as he steadied himself with the stair railing. “Oh sis yuscht! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” The unrestrained joy in his face caused her thumping heart to skip six beats.
With the children’s attention still riveted, she tucked herself into his arms again. “I have been so blind and foolish and insensitive. Please forgive me for causing you pain.”
He squeezed her tightly. She could feel his heart keeping pace with hers. “Hold your horses. You tell me your faults and think I will jump at the chance to marry you? Shouldn’t you hide your bad qualities until after the wedding?”
“You already know my bad qualities. You even point them out to me on occasion.”
Seth winced. “You had to bring that up, didn’t you?”
She never, ever wanted to let go of him. “Will you please quit stalling and tell me you’ll marry me?”
“Maybe I am not looking to marry. I have three children to raise.”
Miriam let her mouth fall open in mock indignation. “I proposed in front of your brothers and sister. The least you can do is say yes for all my trouble.”
Priscilla looked genuinely worried at Seth’s teasing resistance.
Jacob clasped his hands together and jumped up and down. “Seth,” he whined, “you have to marry her. You love her more than horses, remember?”
With an enchanting smile, Seth nodded to Jacob and nudged Miriam away to arm’s length. Keeping hold of her upper arms, he said, “The man must do the asking.”
Laughter bubbled up from deep inside her. “I have waited and waited for you to find the courage.”
Seth raised an eyebrow and a playful growl came from his throat.
Miriam pretended to ignore his protest. “I decided that if you were so timid, I must do the asking myself.”
His eyes danced. “You will be happy to know that I have found my courage.”
Miriam’s heart swelled to fill the universe as Seth got down on one knee and clung to both of her hands.
“Miriam, I love you with every part of my being. My life means nothing without you. I will be the happiest man in the world if you agree to marry me.”
Miriam looked up to the ceiling as if considering his question.
“Say yes,” Priscilla whispered, her sweet face turned eagerly to Miriam.
She wouldn’t have believed that such happiness was possible if she hadn’t been living it at this very moment. “I love you, Seth. And I will marry you.”
The boys and Priscilla screamed in elation and bounced up and down the hall and hugged each other while Seth rose to his feet and slid his arms around Miriam.
“But remember, I asked first,” she said.
His lips were within an inch of hers. “I’ll never forget.” He found her mouth and kissed her until she couldn’t remember which way was up. She had to peek to make sure they weren’t floating off the ground.
They were called back to reality by Joshua, who cleared his throat when their kiss had gone on long enough. Seth pulled his face away but kept a firm hold on her. Gute thing. She thought she might topple over.
Joshua folded his arms and looked at Miriam and Seth as if they were two misbehaving children. “What is going on here?”
Seth planted a swift, decisive, blissful kiss on her lips. “Would you like to stay for breakfast, Mrs. Lambright?”